How to stop DP taking me for granted and encourage him to make more effort

[BurbageBrook]

Not a massively sensitive issue but NC anyway, long term member here.

I have a DP who is in many ways really lovely but we are still in the 1st couple of years of our relationship and I worry he is starting to take me for granted already. I do think he is going to propose this year and I want to say yes, he is in many ways my dream man. But lately I feel really under-appreciated. I've talked to him about it and I end up almost apologising for saying it, because he gets all sad and doesn't really get it. But I just feel he could be doing more and being more grateful for what I do. I don't think he pulls his weight equally in the house - he's not too bad, but I do way more. To be fair, maybe I need to do less to give him a chance to do it (I can be a little bit of a clean freak) but yeah...
Also, I think it's just the little things as well. So like, I make him a tea every morning. He has never, ever woken up before me and made me a coffee first, or even learned how to make cafetiere coffee which is what I drink. He does cook for me, that element of evening cooking is probably about equal. He doesn't really plan dates for us very much any more (outside of lockdown) or even walks or things - I feel like I'm always the one suggesting it. We've lived together around a year. It's all really small niggly things really - he is always there with a hug and he's very sweet and emotionally supportive and affectionate, but I think he could just be giving more here. Am I being unreasonable? And if not, how can I get him to 'get it' and give more? Or is that not possible without a more selfless partner?

Women are also not rehab centres for badly raised men. You were not put on this earth to fix others and you cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship.

Split everything so it’s routine and clear cut.

So tell him you’ll organise two surprise weekends away and he can organise two surprise weekends away also.

He can do all the cooking and laundry and you’ll do all the clearing up and floors. He’s in charge of the upstairs loo and you’re in charge of the downstairs loo. Then do not do his tasks. Let laundry sit there and let the upstairs loo get shitty. Do not rescue him

He moved into your house too and you're making him tea. Stop doing that as of now!. It sounds like he has it made because you are all too accommodating and he is taking full advantage of you. He is really neither partner let alone DH material here.

He has lived alone, but his flat was pretty grotty/dirty in my opinion - then again, his parents' house (while tidy) is not the cleanest, so I think maybe we have just grown up with different standards. I'm getting some flak for not jumping straight to dumping him here, but I have experienced being single and dating around before I met him, and 95% of the time he makes me happy. It's just this 5% where I stop and think, what are you actually bringing to my life to make it easier here, besides emotional support and loving me? So I really appreciate the replies that are trying to help me redress the balance, i'll definitely take these practical strategies on board.

@Saltyslug that's a great idea.

@AttilaTheMeerkat reading about codependency online - definitely sounds like me!! I do wonder if with a less codependent woman he'd actually be better. I feel like maybe I put myself last so other people do too. Even when I lived with a housemate I felt like I put her first and worried about her feelings, more than the other way around. My parents divorced in recent years and my mum was a SAHP so did most of the housework. My dad wasn't particularly thoughtful, appreciative etc.... hmm!

BurbageBrook

You really do need to pay close attention to that inner voice of yours that is saying "hmmmm" re him. Anyway how did you arrive at a 95/5% split anyway?. Those are but arbitrary figures which are more likely than not wrong anyway particularly if you were to think about your relationship more.

Do read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie and have a read about codependency on line. This is also a good website to look at codauk.org/. Someone, most likely one of your parents here, taught you to be codependent and its a state that does you no favours in life.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did yours teach you?. It sounds like with this man now, you are with a not too dissimilar version of your dad. His needs were also not more important than your mother's either.

Speaking as the partner of a man who is exactly as you describe, I don't think any of this means he'll be a terrible father/ husband etc nor should you jump into dumping him but you do need to sit down with him and talk about what you need from him if your relationship is to continue successfully.
I did with mine. I sat and listed all the areas I needed him to 'step up' in. My main gripes with him were him never doing any laundry and him leaving clothes on the floor throughout the house. I also told him how much I hate being the only one to ever arrange anything for us to do. I stopped doing his laundry and if he left any clothes around I started throwing them in the garden. Didn't take him long to learn.
Since the chat he now (well, pre-Covid) makes the effort to book us a nice meal out once a month and during Covid has usually planned a walk/ takeout or something. He now notices when things need doing and does them. And he has always been a fantastic father to my children, that's something that has never been an issue.
Talk and be clear about how you feel. Nobody's perfect but communication is so important.
Oh and the only thing I can't get him to do is wake up before me and bring me a cup of tea but a nudge in the back and a 'Oi, go make me a brew' seems to work

How aboutnotlowering your expectations? You'll end up lowering them so far he'll still crawl under the bar.

This sums it up really.
You have been together 2 years and already you dont sound compatible.

Why are you ignoring how you feel?
You are ignoring your feelings and the red flags because you want him to be "The One"
He sounds way too comfortable and like you are bottom of his list.
He got you a present and then he and his friends ate/ drank it?
Any man can be nice, cuddly and say all the right things , actions speak louder than words.

Fast forward 2-3 years and you have married and have a baby.
Hes still dumping dishes in the sink, not doing his fair share and you are up all night with a baby .
Classic MN
In every case the signs are ignored.
I would be very wary about marrying him tbh
Whats his financial situation?
Sounds like you are a catch with a house and a small mortgage.
Your LL is doing things for him and his is sex?
What a surprise !

I guess i just know that usually I feel way happier now @AttilaTheMeerkat than i did before I met him. But then comes the worries about the future if he ends up treating me like the bottom of the list, like people have said... on the other hand, what person is perfect and doesn't have faults? I'll definitely order the book..
@celerysticks that's what i'll do too. Great advice.
@Templetreebalm I see your point. Financially I have a fair amount of equity in my house -- he's been saving to contribute to a deposit when we move, but even when he's saved I will still have 3x his deposit amount in equity. So yes I'm better off in terms of assets, though he earns more. But he doesn't seem in any way the kind of person who would ever take me for a ride financially. Although if we do move and buy together I should probably think about buying as tenants in common.

But he doesn't seem in any way the kind of person who would ever take me for a ride financially.
If you thought he was, you'd be silly to be with him, wouldn't you? No-one ever thinks "oh yes, my partner will totally screw me over if things fall apart between us, that's what I find so attractive about him". Protect yourself financially.

He's just told me he really appreciates everything I do and he's sorry if he hasn't been reciprocating enough, he'll work to change it, etc. But I just don't know if I believe it tbh. I'll give it a chance though.

@category12 you are right, good point

There’s are two separate issues here, firstly you have decided to take control of the domestic side of things by assuming responsibility for it. Don’t be a martyr! Talk about what needs doing and negotiate who is responsible for what.

Secondly, you are mismatched in your expectations with regards to displays of affections. Making him tea every morning is nice but it appears that it comes with a reciprocal string. Would I learn how to make coffee a certain way and wake up before a partner to serve it to them, probably not. Not because I’m thoughtless but that isn’t my way of showing my thoughtfulness and I’m not inclined to engage in tit for tat displays of thoughtfulness. If you want to make ‘thoughtful’ gestures, do them but if they come with a reciprocal string, then in my opinion that level of PA negates the ‘thoughtfulness’.

Talk about your expectations, this is an issue for you and it isn’t going away. Don’t make the mistake of thinking they will magically disappear or become less important to you but in the end, you either accept the differences or walk away. Resentment corrodes.

@AgentJohnson I think you're right, it seems I am being unreasonable about the coffee thing. He doesn't wake up as early as me, and to be fair, why should he change that at this point before we have kids.

But in terms of other stuff - planning weekends away, dates, even just being the person to suggest a walk. He has to make more of an effort with that stuff. I think he will if I make it explicit. And I'm going to stop doing his laundry.

I don’t think it’s an instant ltb but you do need to have a serious chat and tell him the things you would like him to do such as planning dates etc. After that, I would just leave it and see if anything changes, if it doesn’t then you know it’s not going to change. Don’t tell him more than once.

Decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you if he never plans a date or books a holiday or makes you a coffee

I think you need to be clear on your expectations. You are not his mum, he is an adult and should behave as such. What I found worked really well was turn about jobs. So one week one person shopped (and paid for the shopping), cooked all meals, did dishes - that was after review as we started out one cooks one does dishes and that didn't work! The other person did pets and gardens. Then swap for the next week. A week without having to think about what to eat was great!

Weekends, while one did laundry the other did vacuuming and bathroom. All jobs were done at the same time, so then we had all weekend free.

Outside jobs do not get you out of inside jobs. I despise housework and refuse to do everything. I actually prefer DIY and outdoor work, so if I had to be miserable cleaning, he had to be miserable too!

To do it though, you need to be accepting that one person's standard may not be yours.

Op. Read through the relationships board. It will open your eyes. Nb he won’t change.

He should be picking up half the housework, not just doing his own laundry. Get it sorted into more or less equal effort now, so it's habit and expectation, otherwise you'll be stuck with it which gets worse when you have children.

When dividing up housework, make sure you don't end up with all the shitty and repetitive jobs. He can work a loo brush (or whatever method you use, I know MN hates a loo brush ) as well as you can.

Cooking is one of those jobs where you generally get and give praise "thanks for the meal, ooh this is lovely, etc", so it's good to share that one.

OP I could have written this post a month ago! My DP (same age) sounds very similar in the respect that housework all used to fall to me - I do have incredibly high standards of cleanliness, however.

We've had many discussions about it, I admit I was carrying on through gritted teeth and wasn't open enough about how his lack of help around the house made me feel, so I've worked at being more honest with him about the importance of this to me.

Once I explained how much of a deal-breaker it was for me, and that I couldn't be in a relationship with him long-term the way things were, he finally pulled his act together and started being less of a slob. I've also worked on being so uptight as well, so we're currently meeting happily somewhere in the middle.

I'm sure it won't be plain sailing forever, and it'll remain a small bone of contention in the relationship, but for me it's a small sacrifice when he's so wonderful in every other respect.

And while it might not be reasonable to expect him to get up early specially to make you a coffee, it's not unreasonable for him to know how to make you one during the day.

Plus it's nice to be made breakfast in bed sometimes. It's also the classic kids' treat for mummy (even if you don't like crumbs in the bed). So if that's the sort of future you imagine and want to happen, you need to compare visions - and he should learn how to use a cafetiere .

It's OK to have expectations. It's not earthshaking demands. You're not demanding a golden platypus.

@silkpillowcases that’s really inspiring to read - hopefully mine makes the same effort. I’m going to hammer home how important it is- we have talked briefly today but we’ll get chance to talk properly later. I’m thinking maybe of saying he’s in charge of all cooking and washing up, unless I’m in the mood to cook, so maybe I’ll still cook at the weekends as I do enjoy it when I have more time. But I think he needs to take a large share of big jobs like that because he genuinely doesn’t see the small things like the bathroom needing wiping down etc. And it was the same in his flat which I could always tell he’d cleaned for me coming over but was definitely covered i a layer of dust...
you’re right @category12. I need a man who does know how to make me feel special in those little ways.

Oh and you are right about normally getting praise and appreciation for cooking but whatever I cook his response is the same - ‘thanks it’s really nice’ - whether I’ve done a ready marinated chicken or spent hours slaving over a curry. So I’m happy to pass the baton on the day to day cooking and washing up I think..

@BurbageBrook have you considered looking at this/proposing other ways he can support you? For example, my OH doesn't cook and because of this he'll get a couple of Deliveroos for us a week. Would your DP be able to organize and pay for a cleaner in lieu of cleaning, if he doesn't enjoy it?

@Ohpulltheotherone and @celerysticks both give great perspectives on this in my opinion. At 30yrs old and only a couple of years into your relationship you've both got lots to learn about each other and how to run your life together. You've got time to do but it will take both of you to meet in the middle. As everyone has said you can't change him but you can learn him and learn more about yourself. You sound lovely but you are in danger of martyring yourself. Try "More Than a Woman" by Caitlin Moran for a funny and thought provoking glimpse into what it's like being a middle aged woman, wife and mother in 2021 and what the next decade holds for you

Thanks guys, really good ideas. I’ll buy the book!