How to stop DP taking me for granted and encourage him to make more effort

[BurbageBrook]

Not a massively sensitive issue but NC anyway, long term member here.

I have a DP who is in many ways really lovely but we are still in the 1st couple of years of our relationship and I worry he is starting to take me for granted already. I do think he is going to propose this year and I want to say yes, he is in many ways my dream man. But lately I feel really under-appreciated. I've talked to him about it and I end up almost apologising for saying it, because he gets all sad and doesn't really get it. But I just feel he could be doing more and being more grateful for what I do. I don't think he pulls his weight equally in the house - he's not too bad, but I do way more. To be fair, maybe I need to do less to give him a chance to do it (I can be a little bit of a clean freak) but yeah...
Also, I think it's just the little things as well. So like, I make him a tea every morning. He has never, ever woken up before me and made me a coffee first, or even learned how to make cafetiere coffee which is what I drink. He does cook for me, that element of evening cooking is probably about equal. He doesn't really plan dates for us very much any more (outside of lockdown) or even walks or things - I feel like I'm always the one suggesting it. We've lived together around a year. It's all really small niggly things really - he is always there with a hug and he's very sweet and emotionally supportive and affectionate, but I think he could just be giving more here. Am I being unreasonable? And if not, how can I get him to 'get it' and give more? Or is that not possible without a more selfless partner?

Men think they are really clever picking bins. Jokes on them after you have a baby. Those bins are heavy and wet and nasty! 🤣

There's a book called "How not to hate your husband after kids" that you might find has some helpful tips you can use now.

Ex: if he takes a task he does the whole thing- the mental load of making sure he has the supplies/ puts it away etc.

Hi, I sound a bit like your partner, I hate having set plans and like to go with the flow and see what happens.
My ex was quite proactive and a planner (liked to plan holidays etc months ahead and would get really upset if her plans didn’t work out).
And this caused lots of friction if we missed something or couldn’t make a trip, whereas I would just look for something else to do.

If you’re partner is now living in your home 100% then of course it’s fair to divide up the housework etc equally , but you cannot “train” someone to be different, they are who are.

Towards the end of marriage I couldn’t stand my Ex as she had to plan out every aspect of our lives, for me that just sucked the joy from the relationship (for me),

I'm a planner but Covid has put a new spin on this, I think. There are all these new rules and capacity is limited everywhere. So it would be particularly annoying at the moment to be married to a free and easy type because you'd miss out/have to do things at their busiest/have to queue a lot.

Speaking as someone 20 years into this, the third option other than lowering your (already low, sorry!) standards or giving up, is to outsource what you can and harden your heart: don't run round after someone who wouldn't do the same for you. Ask yourself: if I don't do X, who will be most inconvenienced? If it's not you, try not to care.

The problem when DC come along of course is you don't want them to be uncomfortable or miss out.

@category12

And I feel his dominant one is physical affection and he does the others a lot less.

Physical affection, uh-huh? Conveniently easy and fun. I don't think my eyes could roll any harder.

How about not lowering your expectations? You'll end up lowering them so far he'll still crawl under the bar.

it is not too much to ask to expect a partner to be able to make you your favourite drink, nor for him to use his brain occasionally rather than slopey-shoulder everything to you and blink endearingly about he loves you but is incapable of considering you and gosh there's housework? How mystifying? When did that happen?

I bet he can plan nights out and trips with his mates.

+1. And tbh, it's a warning signal imo when an OP talks about how they should maybe lower their standards, when it comes to housework in particular. Nine times out of ten, their partner (conveniently) 'doesn't see mess' or 'doesn't know what to do and needs to be told, and would have helped if only they had been asked '.

OP, there have been so many threads here over the years about this very issue. And posters who will say, 'oh we share things equally, I do the cleaning, cooking, and all child related stuff as well as working full time. He does the bins...'

Don't fall for that. It's as old as time. And gets even older when there are children to be looked after, into the bargain.

That’s a good point about taking on the whole mental load of a task. It doesn’t help that he doesn’t drive. So e.g. if he goes goes to the supermarket I still need to give him a lift back if it’s a big shop.
That’s interesting @JustAnotherOldMan. The thing is I don’t need every weekend to be planned out. It’s just it would be so great if the occasional weekend he was the one who suggested what we should do. To be honest I also wouldn’t mind if it was spontaneous but I feel if I never suggested anything we’d never do anything, planned or otherwise. Except the gym, which he will suggest, but that’s because it’s his main hobby.

Thanks @Phineyj really good point about putting me first. I’ve done that today by not offering him a lift back from the train station, which i normally would do, which is daft when he could just get the bus. I give too much for sure. In terms of plans or even doing stuff I know we can’t do much right now but this was also an issue before.
Really good advice @CharityDingle. I do want to stay with him and I will if things improve but I need to have a bit of a word with myself here.

@BurbageBrook

That’s a good point about taking on the whole mental load of a task. It doesn’t help that he doesn’t drive. So e.g. if he goes goes to the supermarket I still need to give him a lift back if it’s a big shop. That’s interesting *@JustAnotherOldMan*. The thing is I don’t need every weekend to be planned out. It’s just it would be so great if the occasional weekend he was the one who suggested what we should do. To be honest I also wouldn’t mind if it was spontaneous but I feel if I never suggested anything we’d never do anything, planned or otherwise. Except the gym, which he will suggest, but that’s because it’s his main hobby.

Its like he is living his life without any reference to you at all. You are just convenient for sex, have a house, a car and do all the chores . Why do you have such a low opinion of relationships OP ?

The driving thing is an example actually of how he doesn’t have much get up and go in general. That is another thing that worries me personality wise and a difference between us.

Yes, I have noticed this play out with a friend. Her OH doesn't drive (actually he can but chooses not to and he's never converted his foreign licence to a UK one). So it's "easier" for her to do the food shop, drive the kids about, drive to where they're going for the day...

Yeah. He does keep saying he’s going to learn, but I think I want to see him taking a proactive choice to actually have lessons. It bothers me but I try not to let it. Think you’ve put your finger on why it’s annoying! On the other hand he used to live in a city where driving was not really necessary and he moved out to live in my more rural area. So maybe he will learn now it’s more necessary..

Hmmm he's going down in my estimation the more you reveal about your life to be honest. He's almost 30 and doesn't drive? Not even learning at the moment? Letting you do all the driving and ferry him about is a long way from my suggestion of meeting in the middle. You need some who can take care of you in a crisis and vice versa. An equal partner. He could be that guy but he does need to want to step up and actually do it.

Your standards aren't too high at all. He leaves a greasy frying pan congealing in the kitchen all day while he's at home! It would take five minutes to wash. I'm not very houseproud but that is disgusting. Now imagine having a baby, coming down after zero sleep to a sink stacked with pots, grease all over the kitchen, crumbs everywhere. No, just no.

Saying he got you a present and then eating / drinking it is symptomatic of him thinking words are enough, he doesn't have to follow through with the actions. "Yes, I'll wash up after work", "I'll mow the lawn", "I've bought you a gift... oh whoops, well, it's the thought that counts!". It's not asking for much to expect a man to be a functional adult who takes care of the house he lives in. This one sounds beyond passive. Do you really want to be his drill sergeant for the rest of your lives?

It's nice that he's emotionally supportive, but to be honest, so are dogs, and at least a dog wouldn't let you down constantly.

I would suggest couples councilling if you really want to make this work. I could have written your posts, I’ve been there and come out the other side divorced in my early 30s. You need to work together to understand how you both think and see things in the home and life. He clearly has some positive qualities but you do need more than what he is offering. I did go to couple councilling with my other half but it was too late - I was at the resentment stage like others have written here and broken by it all. I used to love running the home, plan our holidays etc but we both worked an equal amount yet it got left to me - my standards were to high etc... they’re not. I also learned about love languages at councilling but it was all too late for us. Honestly, if you want this to work go to councilling now and this will help you communicate going forward.

You can do better than him. A lot better. Doesn't drive, no assets, doesn't take the initiative, doesn't pull his weight in the house, fuck me, you can do better than that.

nice that he's emotionally supportive, but to be honest, so are dogs, and at least a dog wouldn't let you down constantly.

This made me laugh out loud sorry OP 😬 as I was just thinking well my cat is physically affectionate !

Thank you for the comments because the harsh words are actually helping me, as we are talking about this in half an hour when he gets back. I need to hold onto some of my anger and the sense that I deserve better effort and treatment - @LittlestBoho you really have hit the nail on the head here.

If you want to have a kid, you’re 30 and are fannying about waiting for your boyfriend to change who is quite clearly telling you who he is, start functioning on a basic level as an adult, and maintain that, for life? You’ve repeatedly said you won’t dump him, so have a look at the threads posted here every day by women who reproduce with males like this, see what’s ahead. You still have time to find a better man, cock is abundant, and date for years before reproducing, to really know the guy before wrecking a relationship with a kid.
You said the boyfriend is ‘fixable’, presumably he’s frantically figuring out how to function as a adult, all by himself and not getting you to ‘just tell him’, or write out little lists, that would be a bare minimum base level start. And he needs an eye test, if he can’t see dirt, he must have dangerously bad eyesight. Unless....he thinks it’s his penis that causes this mysterious blind spot. Cliche after cliche after cliche with these guys.

I don't know @Carbara, maybe I am fussy, but I went on so many dates in the 2 years I was single before meeting him and barely met a single guy i liked. So i guess it feels special in itself that I've even managed to fall in love with someone. I don't want to throw it away over housework without giving him a chance to change and improve it first although I appreciate that this can become a big issue.
I do agree with what you're saying but I can't throw love away over something like this if he's willing to change.
On the other hand... if he doesn't, yes, I agree.

Sorry OP. I thought PP were being a bit harsh on him but the more you share the more I get the ick on your behalf.

He's moved into your house and you're basically carrying on as before ie organising all bills, utilities, planning the cleaning etc. As you say you're the "house manager" but now you're doing it all for 2 people not 1. You're the only driver. And he can't even work a cafetiere?

Please say he's paying you rent? How long have you been living together?

It’s a lot to change, you’re wanting a bare minimum functioning man, and he has so far, refused, or half assed it a bit, for a while, seen that you tolerate that, and carried on his merry way, not filling his manly man brain with silly women thoughts about running a house (sarcasm), He needs to be taking the initiative, by himself, and changing who is fundamentally is as a person, permanently. I’m guessing he won’t bother his arse. If he does half ass it, it’ll all revert back to normal once you choose to bring a kid into it. Literally every single day here, there’s thread after thread after thread, all identical, from women who’ve bred with these identikit sub standard, low value males. Wehh, my life is hell, boyfriend won’t ‘help’ with the baby, wehhh, I mean, he did fuck all before he impregnated me but I thought he would magically change, wehhhh’

Yes, please be very firm with him. He's not adulting properly. He's like your genial teenaged son at the moment. You drive him around, arrange fun activities for him, ask him repeatedly to clean up after himself... This stuff breeds resentment.

My ex was similar, he had no za-za-zoom at all. He never planned days out, nights out, events, holidays. He just hitched his trailer to me and was happy to lie back and be dragged through life. I couldn't stand him by the end, and he cooked and cleaned regularly so wasn't even as useless as your DP.

I had a feeling there was more to it. And was right. Indeed, Carbara, but like legions before, the OP won't listen. Every single day there's a woman who's latched onto a male like this, 'love' and all that shit, and then realise it's not love when you're stuck holding hte baby and carrying the can for it all.

He is sounding worse and worse.
You wouldn't be throwing away a relationship because of housework; instead you are making an intelligent decision about suitability of a life partner.
This man is not a partner. He's a man child.

Literally every single day here, there’s thread after thread after thread, all identical, from women who’ve bred with these identikit sub standard, low value males. Wehh, my life is hell, boyfriend won’t ‘help’ with the baby, wehhh, I mean, he did fuck all before he impregnated me but I thought he would magically change, wehhhh’

Exactly, and sometimes I wonder why any of us waste our time warning these women. They never fucking listen, and just make excuse after excuse, ignoring the massive red flags that are waving right in front of their face.

Op, who you see now is who he is. He is not going to be changing. Ffs, please take the blinders off.

I don't subscribe to the LTB view in this case as I don't think it's come to that yet, but people don't change that much and if the things you mention really bug you now, it's very likely they will not only continue to do so, but intensify further down the line, especially when children are involved.

I found out my now DH was extremely untidy the first time I visited him at his home. It amused me then, but many years on it's still a bone of contention in our marriage. He does try. He has blitzes where he thoroughly cleans up. He knows my views - he's heard them often enough, about cleaning up as you go along but he doesn't do much of that. Our teen DC, who have received a lot of parenting from him (as he has worked from home for years, has been around for them) are just the same. It drives me crazy.

On the other hand he always plans our holidays, he sorts all the car and building stuff. He has done as much parenting, if not more, than me. He has attended school meetings and appointments etc. I take on the overview of our finances but he rings companies for me to haggle over renewal quotes etc, etc.

Equality in a relationship doesn't mean you have to both do the same jobs. But you do both need to contribute to the relationship. DH isn't perfect, nor am I. Our relationship isn't either, but it does generally work overall .

BTW an ex bf lived at my house for a few months before I was married (for logistical, rather than romantic reasons). He annoyed me by being more particular over the washing up etc than me.