How to stop DP taking me for granted and encourage him to make more effort

[BurbageBrook]

Not a massively sensitive issue but NC anyway, long term member here.

I have a DP who is in many ways really lovely but we are still in the 1st couple of years of our relationship and I worry he is starting to take me for granted already. I do think he is going to propose this year and I want to say yes, he is in many ways my dream man. But lately I feel really under-appreciated. I've talked to him about it and I end up almost apologising for saying it, because he gets all sad and doesn't really get it. But I just feel he could be doing more and being more grateful for what I do. I don't think he pulls his weight equally in the house - he's not too bad, but I do way more. To be fair, maybe I need to do less to give him a chance to do it (I can be a little bit of a clean freak) but yeah...
Also, I think it's just the little things as well. So like, I make him a tea every morning. He has never, ever woken up before me and made me a coffee first, or even learned how to make cafetiere coffee which is what I drink. He does cook for me, that element of evening cooking is probably about equal. He doesn't really plan dates for us very much any more (outside of lockdown) or even walks or things - I feel like I'm always the one suggesting it. We've lived together around a year. It's all really small niggly things really - he is always there with a hug and he's very sweet and emotionally supportive and affectionate, but I think he could just be giving more here. Am I being unreasonable? And if not, how can I get him to 'get it' and give more? Or is that not possible without a more selfless partner?

Oh, here's how they go, too. IF they bother to still work after the kids come along, they do FA because 'I'm working'. Your mat leave becomes Maid of All Work and Wet Nurse Leave.

The more foolish don't go back to work because the ickle manchild just can't pull his weight and she can't cope working FT and doing 100% of everything else - utter financial suicide.

The most foolish of all allow the manchild to become a SAHP, which for this type of person means worse than a glorified babysitter. He does utter FA. But she can't leave because then she becomes the NRP and has to pay maintenance.

Every day. Literally every single day there are threads featuring non-functioning adults like this.

Perhaps even more because so, so many unwise people moved the chap in because of lockdown.

Healthy love between two adults is respect for themselves and each other, maturity of themselves and between each other. Anything else is dysfunctional and downright parasitic.

But again, there are none so blind as those who won't see.

If you get married, he'll be entitled to half your house.

Oh, the hobbies! It's never playing chess, Lego, DIY and making useful things with such men. It's always something that requires periods of time outside the home, and these magically become more involved once kids come along. Amazing, that.

As for the non-driving thing. My 22-year-old niece won't date a man who doesn't drive.

By the time I got to your age, any man whose room, flat or car (yes, I wouldn't see one who didn't have one) was 'grotty' I dumped.

No excuses for 'Poor dear just didn't know, his house was a mess, his mum didn't teach him.'

No one taught me shit. Funny how I learned on my own. Didn't even have internet. So I figured, if I could be adult enough to behave like one, then there was no way I'd take on an adult who wasn't interested in behaving like one, too.

@Fairydustrust

If you get married, he'll be entitled to half your house.

Yep, despite any promises of how he's going to save for another one you'll buy together.

It's right up there with how he's always 'going to learn' to drive but has never bothered to book a lesson, his theory test, much less any of the rest.

He's just a loveable scruff.

Who used to give him a lift from the supermarket before you came along, OP? Let me guess, he lived on takeaways and ready meals before he found you, he just needed a surrogate Mum, complete with his tea in the morning, to come along and fix him.

I do think he is going to propose this year and I want to say yes, he is in many ways my dream man.

Please get a dose of reality and read up on the suggestions for books here.

I'd propose to you, too, if I was him. In exchange for a few vows (which I can break) and behaving like a cute dog I get: a life manager for life, all the niggly shit in my life handled well by someone else for free, huge financial benefit, a nanny/housekeeper/lover/admin assistant all in one, a driver.

And this is your dream man that you need to hang round waiting for him to propose?

I'm ever stunned by how many young, intelligent, confident, financially secure adult females are willing to shed their agency in life, financial security, etc in a flash for a crumb of Disney-goes-to-Hollywood fantasy.

It's sad.

Always found the less I give the more I get (from men). Googled and it's a "thing".

I have discussed it with him, he's said that he almost thinks he'd find it hard to think about my needs to the extent that I think about his. So he sort of thinks i'm abnormally giving and selfless. I really don't think I am though. I just wish he would 'give more'

You’ve had some sound advice already @BurbageBrook but the above really stood out for me.

It’s not that you have different love languages or too high expectations. It’s that he has told you he would (does) find it hard to think of your needs as much as you think of his.

I would also bet he would find it hard to think of your needs above his own, which is crucial in long lasting relationships. No one should be a martyr but there are times when putting the other person first is the right or necessary thing to do. Especially when kids come along.

He may be great at responding when you are visibly in need or tell him directly but he will never pre empt anything because it won’t occur to him that he should.

He may abide by a rota but it won’t be because he understands that it’s an important balance in your relationship, but because it saves him earache.
And he will half ass it - the greasy pan shows you that.

However lovely he is 95% of the rest of the time right now, the 5% that upsets you will grow. Add in kids and rough times and it will grow rapidly.

As another poster brilliantly put it - women are not rehab centres for men. You have told him how you feel and what you’d like from him before. He’s ignored it.

You’ve had the ‘I appreciate you’ spiel today because even he has realised that getting you a gift which he and his mates then tucked into was a neon sign saying ‘selfish prick’.

95% of the time he makes me happy. It's just this 5% where I stop and think, what are you actually bringing to my life to make it easier here, besides emotional support and loving me?

I'm curious as to how you can split this into such exact percentages. Of course he can make you happy if he's a nice guy and good lover.

Alas, real life isn't a fairytale and relationships are about more than He Loves Me So.

You're providing the home and the life management. It's all so easy and seamless for him. He doesn't have to make an effort for anything. But, a man with some 'go' in him would make an effort anyway.

He sounds lovely as a date/casual, just not as a lifepartner. No gumption.

Once you have a child you will have a rude awakening. Babies eat your time, and they create work. On top of that, you'll have your DP to facilitate.

As you're staying with him it's an idea to envisage all that and how you'll make it work.

what person is perfect and doesn't have faults
Well. My OH for one.
I don't mean that he's objectively perfect. But here's the thing, his imperfections are either much the same as mine, or they don't bother me. And I do know I can absolutely rely on him. He might be young at heart but he's 100% an adult. If I had a stroke and ended up in a wheelchair tomorrow I know he would sort out everything that needed to be done.

Your chap, as PPs have said, sounds more like a pet. Lovely, affectionate.
But the risk of committing to him when you have niggles is that one day, you'lll meet someone lovely, affectionate... and with drive, initiative, maturity, the ability to shoulder responsibility.

The sort of bloke who is living with Mum ... Because she's dying of cancer and he's looking after her (and every month he pops over to the flat he owns and has rented out, to do little repairs and keep an eye on the tenants).
He coaches his nephew's soccer team. He's studying for a Master's in his spare time. And you think, this is the man I want to be grandfather of my grandchildren. And he won't be "perfect" either. Maybe he will be a bit funny looking. Have an inexplicable love for Boney M or chilli flavoured sardines. But you will never ever feel 95% about him.

The other thing is - your current chap surely deserves to be loved and thought of as "enough". Maybe by someone who has a different outlook, different priorities and needs.

I'm not saying "break up now!". Just ... never get married, or even engaged, unless both of you feel you're getting the better end of the bargain.

My ex was similar, he had no za-za-zoom at all. He never planned days out, nights out, events, holidays. He just hitched his trailer to me and was happy to lie back and be dragged through life. I couldn't stand him by the end, and he cooked and cleaned regularly so wasn't even as useless as your DP.

The above sounds a bit like my marriage, if I did ever suggest we did this or that, it would get short thrift as It didn’t fit in with with her preferences, I was just sick of the joyless bitch in the end, never again

I can't believe how many people are calling him an awful partner...he sounds absolutely fine to me! I was with someone who basically did no housework and then would criticise me if I left the mop bucket out after cleaning the entire house while they watched TV!

I mean, who honestly cares if he doesn't make you coffee in the morning? That would not even register to me as a problem. If you want that, ask him. He might think you prefer to decide yourself when you want one. It seems a bit passive aggressive to hold this against him.

The holiday thing...I honestly think this is most men. I have NEVER had a partner who pulled their weight in holiday planning. I have always had to do almost everything, and tbh I didn't really mind. I'd much sooner have control over it than someone else making decisions. I'm the fussy one regarding accommodation and meals, so if it suits me fine to sort it myself.

@Rozziie

I can't believe how many people are calling him an awful partner...he sounds absolutely fine to me! I was with someone who basically did no housework and then would criticise me if I left the mop bucket out after cleaning the entire house while they watched TV!

I mean, who honestly cares if he doesn't make you coffee in the morning? That would not even register to me as a problem. If you want that, ask him. He might think you prefer to decide yourself when you want one. It seems a bit passive aggressive to hold this against him.

The holiday thing...I honestly think this is most men. I have NEVER had a partner who pulled their weight in holiday planning. I have always had to do almost everything, and tbh I didn't really mind. I'd much sooner have control over it than someone else making decisions. I'm the fussy one regarding accommodation and meals, so if it suits me fine to sort it myself.

Are you still with that person?

But you can find someone lacking (IN YOUR OPINION) and replace them with someone who you find less lacking (IN YOUR OPINION). Or just decide to be alone. It might do you both a favour tbh. I have resented someone for being a lacklustre waster in a relationship. I have also been on the end of someone resenting me because they wanted to control me. Both relationships I finished because...well you don't have to stay in a relationship that isn't working in 2021. That is what the beauty of the modern age is. If you want to find someone you are better with or you prefer to sack off compromise, you can.

@CharityDingle no I'm not. It was so bad that I chose to walk away and be alone rather than deal with that. OP's situation doesn't sound anything nearly as bad as this. She's with a bloke who is very laid back, leaves his dishes in the sink until after work (honestly, this is perfectly reasonable...I do this and am not a slob!) and isn't super proactive about chores. In my opinion this is not a reason to leave someone who is otherwise kind and supportive. It doesn't sound like she'd be happier alone.

Thanks for the advice this weekend everyone. We had a long talk this weekend, he admits he is less naturally thoughtful/proactive than me with doing things for me, and his 'love language' is definitely more on the words of affirmation/physical touch side. I also had a bit of a reflection on what he does do, and realised that he spends every evening with me, always invites me to the gym with him, massages my feet whenever I want etc, prioritises me over his friends (this weekend's visit to his friend was very unusual) - even if he's not the one to make plans usually, buy me gifts much etc. The present thing does sound like it was a genuine misunderstanding and he meant that the 'present' was that he would save me an equal share, which he did. He also says he's going to book driving lessons now lockdown is over. He's been very apologetic for not putting me first or being quite as thoughtful as he could have been lately. He's going to set a 2 weekly reminder in his phone to plan a date, even if that just means being the one to ask me what i want to do. He says he'll do all the cooking and washing up in the week, to counteract the cleaning/wiping stuff down/laundry etc I am always doing, which I think is more than fair. (I like cooking so am happy to still do weekend stuff.) And he says he'll never leave the pan congealing with oil on the side again! So, if all this happens, I'll be happy, and i believe him that it will. I think I've just been suppressing my feelings and needs a lot and now I've got really upset with him (I told him this is giving me doubts about the relationship.) So we'll see what happens but I definitely want to give him a chance and it's not an LTB situation. But I am glad he's listening to me and I will make sure he does make the changes before I even think about marrying him!!
Thanks again everyone

Yep, he'll give you a few tokens, won't get up off his arse and learn to drive of his own initiative, 'love language', yep.

Those are great words and promises, op. Hopefully he will follow through.
But this... He's going to set a 2 weekly reminder in his phone to plan a date, even if that just means being the one to ask me what i want to do. is still shit. Every two weeks HE will remind YOU to arrange a date. Might make more sense to take turns to arrange the dates.

He's going to set a 2 weekly reminder in his phone to plan a date, even if that just means being the one to ask me what i want to do.

Yeah, that stuck out to me, too. Rachel. Big of him.

You've brought it up with him several times and he doesn't get it. If you have kids with him, you will end up doing everything and becoming very resentful.
I'd end it and find someone who respects you when you talk about your needs.

Sounds like a good talk, hope it works out for you

Well I think he means he'll check do I want to do a hike, or a fancy dinner, type of date. And then he'll plan it. That's all I meant by asking me first for my opinion sometimes! The reminder in his phone was just him admitting that he is naturally not good at remembering these things.

I've never got angry and upset with him before like I did yesterday so I do think my message has hit home. Like I say, if he doesn't change his attitudes/behaviour, then I'll think again.

I was upset this weekend and it had all built up but I think I have made it sound maybe a little worse than it really is. I see it as a teething issue that we will sort out rather than a complete dealbreaker as long as it does change. I have my own faults/flaws too!

thanks @JustAnotherOldMan me too

he is naturally not good at remembering these things

How does he cope at work?

I know I sound cynical and I am cynical, OP, partly because this is a scenario that comes up over and over again, on MN. He can promise the sun, moon and stars, but only time will tell if there's any depth to his promises.

I hope that things work out well for you.

Don't get pregnant in the next 6 - 12 months.