What's the issue here? Him or me?

[Likeohmygod]

I get enraged at my dp all the time because he says words wrong..words that he previously got right, I correct him gently time and time again and he doesn't get it..then I get enraged and will walk off when he keeps getting it wrong. He says more and more stuff wrong all the time. His sentences are are jumbled. He's says he's not clever but he is..just not with basic reception level grammar. It's his first and only language.
People literally take the piss out of him for the way he talks and sometimes I even have to translate to people what he's trying to say.
Why is he like this?

And before anyone says, I know I'm wrong to get angry, I've spent years calmly trying to help with how he speaks but nothing changes and now I resent it that my dc learn how to construct sentences but he can't do that same. My dc are copying the way he speaks and I want them away from him as they do extremely well at school.

I have no patience for this anymore. I want him to try to speak properly. Its not accent or dialogue or slang..he'll literally say things like "I end up walking to the shop" instead of ended. Then the week after there's a new word he's saying incorrectly. This morning he said " I eat too much this mornign" instead of ate. What's going on with him?

Bless you said to someone else obviously

@BrilliantBetty

My DH is a respected professional and says 'bless me' after sneezing. It makes me cringe, I have told him so many times that this isn't the saying, it's 'bless you' or 'excuse me'. No need to even say anything really.. but for the love of god stop saying bless me. I have sympathy, OP. Hope he's ok though.

I say bless me 😲 I said it today in fact! Don’t I need to bless myself in case I have the plague , no one else says it these days to me 😆

You sound like the angriest woman in the world OP. This level of fury about minor word choices is bizarre, especially when your own posts have 'the wrong word order'
Like whereas I take years literally to connect with someone.. Surely it would be "whereas I take literally years"? Not that it even matters, we all understood what you meant, and what your partner meant with his football comment, it's just that your fixation on your partner's language is beyond irrational and well into the realms of crazy.

If you detest him so much then separate, but constantly criticising his word choice and complaining that he is making your kids sound stupid is cruel and demeaning. You say you're the only adult in the relationship but you're acting like a stroppy teenager embarrassed by how uncool their parent is.

I think you need some mental health support, your reaction is not normal.

Oh I definitely need some mental health support.

@Likeohmygod

Yes I do stick up for him. It does sound like maybe it's verbal dyspraxia. He needs to get checked out. I wanted to leave him years ago by the way, not over this, but because he doesn't engage with me at all and i feel alone. I get so excited when someone comes over to our home as I know I'll get to have a proper conversation. It's so refreshing.

Buried four pages in... this is the OP's real problem.

The speech thing is a non-issue. Your over-reaction to it, which you know doesn't show you in a good light, is because you don't love him or even like him any more.

@gannett you don't know how hard I've tried.
Even with the dc he is reckless. He will fling them into the air and then almost drop them. He'll let them play out near the road on their own. Then when I explain why I wasn't a good idea then he will agree but he does these things time and time again.
So yes it is like having an additional child.
I cant count on him for anything.

He might have dysphasia and you banging on all the fucking while is making him tired, stressed and nervous.

Try to remember he is a human being.

Well there's a whole lot more going on here isn't there.

You're stuck in a life where you're practically invisible to the other adult in your home. Yet he creates all sorts of stress for you. You're not good at connecting with other people and have no-one to talk to day to day, so find it hard to see a way out of your current situation.

This is mostly about you and ways you can learn to connect and communicate better and find more satisfaction in life.

Well if he bothered to try to find it what it is then I could help him couldn't I.

Lottie you are probably right that I need to work on myself. I have plenty of friends it's not about that though. It's that the adult I live with seems like a child and so I feel alone.
It is a me issue not a him issue.
All the responses I'm getting are right. I'm not surprised or offended by them. Although I do appreciate the pps who have understood why i feel the way I do whether that's right or wrong.

I think I've just had enough.

This is horrible. What is the poor bloke meant to do? He has a conversation with you and you get so angry with him that you need to leave the situation, then he doesn’t have a proper conversation with you and you’re enraged about that. It sounds like you’re the one who needs to get themselves checked.

My DP has atrocious spoken grammar. “He weren’t doing anything”, “we was going to the shops” etc. It’s almost like part of his regional accent as he always says “I ain’t done owt today” etc. When he writes essays, his grammar is impeccable. Even if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t care. This is such a weird thing to get so angry about and I think, to be honest, that it’s really not on AT ALL for you to be so constantly critical. I really really feel for your DH.

@HopingForOurRainbowBaby
I'm sorry for what you've been through.

My dp hasn't had the same issue so it's different. Fwiw I don't take the piss out of him

I'll answer questions I've answered before but keep getting asked.

English is his first language.
There is no accent or dialogue difference between him and I. We grew up 3 streets away from each other.
His siblings speech is fine.

Oh and his written grammar is as bad as his spoken grammar.
I write out his emails for him (at his request! ) I've never ever said anything to him about how he writes. The writing would actually not bother me at all. I try to encourage him to write his own emails and I could check them IF he wanted me to but he just hands me his phone whenever he had an email he needs to reply to

I suppose there are two aspects to this:

• whether there's a medical reason or if he is neurodivergent, in which case assessment may help in many ways,
• whether you actually still love him and want to be with him

None of us can guess what the truth of either thing is.

Although, it seems like you may be leaning towards not wanting to be with him anymore and that this thread is you trying to hash out your feelings.

I do feel for you, op, I know you're being honest about feelings that you find as unpleasant as anyone. Is this the only reason you're feeling hostile to him or are there other issues at play?

You need to take time to work out whether you'd feel differently if he did get medically assessed and whether a potential diagnosis would make a difference for you, or not.

Then I think you might find the answers you seem to be looking for.

I have felt similar feelings of really struggling to listen to my husband when he talks - he tends to talk very loudly and uses the “F” word almost in every sentence! He can’t talk about anything without bringing in “F..ing” this or “F..ing” that, even when it’s general conversation and he’s not angry about anything.

I am the opposite as I like to speak as eloquently as I can (my work requires me to, as well as me wanting to). I feel like we are true opposites in this regard.

He tends to talk “at” people, not aware of whether they are interested or not which made a friend of mine question whether he was in the Aspergers spectrum.

I realised that it was me who had become very sensitive to his ways of communicating (we’ve known each other for 24 years and it had never been a problem until recently) and it was me who had to change the way I viewed him. He’s also fairly illiterate (I have to read any correspondence for him and help him with any writing).

It was just strange for me that all of this hadn’t been an issue previously but was recently added to the list of doubts I had about him !

Good luck !

There is nothing wrong with your husband, nothing at all. You just don’t like him. Life is too short to make each other miserable. Separate before you start getting the rage about how often he breathes...

OP are you familiar with the Bitch Eating Crackers syndrome? When you hate someone, everything they do pisses you off, no matter how innocuous.

abbythompsontherapy.com/2017/10/23/bitch-eating-crackers-syndrome/

This sounds a LOT like that.

Tbh OP I actually understand your frustration and unless you live with it I'm sure others would say its unkind.

My ex constantly called the female budgie a HE and a parrot, despite many many times me telling him otherwise. He would say stupid things like sangwich instead of sandwiche, he would say world wise instead of worldwide, say while awake instead of wide awake....and the list goes on.....its so frustrating when you keep correcting them and they continue to do it wrong.

I would have to read letters and write emails etc for him...he had no problems it was just laziness and I really think he played on it to get out of doing his own life admin. I also used to worry that my ds would pick up on all this and it was actually so time consuming.

So I just wanted to say I'm with you on it. Its frustrating, it does get you angry and it can pick away at you over time.

lack of literacy and language skills at school so he learnt to avoid it and continues to avoid it perhaps. He has someone to "enable" him by doing admin for him facilitating what he needs done. if he were in the education system it would be picked up. If he is not prepared research or find the issue then step back from provision you are making for him,

Maybe you are now making him anxious which is making the situation worse. I am not sure why this winds you up so much. Accept him for who he is or walk away, getting enraged is completely over the top

@Likeohmygod

Also I don't know if this is connected but I cant have a conversation with him..I try all the time as I'm so damn lonely but its like talking to a brick wall..he will grunt or nod his head but its never a two way conversation. Its like he cannot engage. He's not stupid, he's very skilled at what he does and he can build a rapport with people in seconds whereas I take years literally to connect with someone. But conversations with me and people he's known for years are one sided. It's like he gives up with us.

Maybe years of being bullied about the way he speaks has taken its toll and he just can't even be bothered anymore. Classic wearing people down on your part. In the end the just stop engaging all together.

How hard is it to phone his gp and make an appointment for him? And drive him there so he bloody well goes.

Of course he should do it himself but rather than cut myself up with rage for years and years and potentially let any health problem that could be causing his speech problem to grow, I'd just get it done for him.

First thing Monday, call the surgery and see what they say.

That being said, it sounds like you should leave him. Life is too short to spend with someone that drives you mental.

As others have pointed out, it sounds like there's a lot going on here. There's far more to unpick than his speech patterns however it might be easier to deal with step by step.

Rather than just moan at him every time he opens his mouth or let him avoid doing anything about it I think you need to make it clear to him that you are struggling with this on a relationship-breaking level. Apologise for nitpicking his speech but explain that you are concerned that this is part of a bigger, wider problem and if he doesn't join with you to examine and tackle it together then you don't really see the point of staying together. Basically tell him that if he doesn't seek help and support at a professional level - with you holding his hand, of course, then you will probably leave him. It won't be easy to explain that you are considering leaving someone for using the wrong tense in a short sentence, as that's how it could sound if you're not careful, but you have to make it clear to him that you are on the edge and need help too.

If he wants to help you save this marriage he has to make an effort. If he doesn't want to, well then it's obviously over anyway.

For what it's worth, it does sound like there could be something neurodivergent going on here and he will surely find his own life easier and more fulfilling if it's dealt with and supported - aphasia, dyspraxia, verbal apraxia, Aspergers etc. I don't know because I'm not an expert but there is surely something.

I cant have a conversation with him..I try all the time as I'm so damn lonely but its like talking to a brick wall..he will grunt or nod his head but its never a two way conversation. Its like he cannot engage

He's probably scared to get his head bitten off!

@Bluntness100

The fact you think his foot ball comment was worded in the wrong order indicates you are the one who has an issue with language and not him, but you don’t understand it’s you.

There is nothing wrong with what he said and the words are in the correct order. However you cannot see that. You thought he worded it incorrectly.

I would explore the potential it’s your language capabilities which are declining. I mean that gently but from your examples and posts it would appear he is not the one with the language issues.

It WAS worded in the wrong order. This is such a bizarre comment, along with the follow-up post asking OP to reorder the words.

"I can't understand why is he going that way"

The OP had already specified that he said it without a pause before you asked her to reorder it, so it's not that she had left out the punctuation in "I can't understand. Why is he going that way?" (and it would be clunky and odd anyway to use "can't" instead of "don't" there). It's just not correct.

@CrispsnDips

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from and not judging me.