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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What's the issue here? Him or me?

132 replies

Likeohmygod · 08/04/2021 22:27

I get enraged at my dp all the time because he says words wrong..words that he previously got right, I correct him gently time and time again and he doesn't get it..then I get enraged and will walk off when he keeps getting it wrong. He says more and more stuff wrong all the time. His sentences are are jumbled. He's says he's not clever but he is..just not with basic reception level grammar. It's his first and only language.
People literally take the piss out of him for the way he talks and sometimes I even have to translate to people what he's trying to say.
Why is he like this?

And before anyone says, I know I'm wrong to get angry, I've spent years calmly trying to help with how he speaks but nothing changes and now I resent it that my dc learn how to construct sentences but he can't do that same. My dc are copying the way he speaks and I want them away from him as they do extremely well at school.

I have no patience for this anymore. I want him to try to speak properly. Its not accent or dialogue or slang..he'll literally say things like "I end up walking to the shop" instead of ended. Then the week after there's a new word he's saying incorrectly. This morning he said " I eat too much this mornign" instead of ate. What's going on with him?

OP posts:
MissHemsworth · 09/04/2021 07:33

Hi OP, my DH is a little like this. His issue is 100% down to laziness. He can't be bothered to think of the right word so he uses a substitute that doesn't make sense. Ie. He'll call the washing basket 'the green pot' and HE gets enraged because I'm clueless about what he's actually talking about. He also uses a lot of Americanisms which I frequently have to correct him on because I don't want the kids copying him. I also could not have a conversation with him but that simply came down to him believing I wasn't worthy of his time/effort and would mean he has to stop staring at his phone.

However, a lot of people on here saying it could be medical with your DH so may be worth getting checked out.

I just wanted to let you know that I understand how infuriating it can be. With no communication in a relationship what else is there.

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2021 07:45

Op, to enable people to help you, can you reorder these words in the order you think is correct?

“I can't understand why is he going that way*

Likeohmygod · 09/04/2021 07:49

Yes I do stick up for him.
It does sound like maybe it's verbal dyspraxia. He needs to get checked out.
I wanted to leave him years ago by the way, not over this, but because he doesn't engage with me at all and i feel alone. I get so excited when someone comes over to our home as I know I'll get to have a proper conversation. It's so refreshing.

OP posts:
Likeohmygod · 09/04/2021 07:52

Ok I get it I am the issue not him.
I was never like this years ago. I used to be kind and supportive but I'm worn down and I feel like the only adult in the house.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/04/2021 07:55

Op does that mean you can’t rearrange them? Do you think it’s possible he doesn’t engage because he gets told he uses the wrong words?

noblegreenk · 09/04/2021 08:01

I think YABU but I can understand why you're frustrated. My DH is similar to yours. He comes out with wrong words and sayings all the time. Things like, catch 20/20 instead of catch 22. Or he'll get similar soubding words mixed up, like component and opponent. It makes me cringe so much, especially when we're in company. Occasionally I do correct him (depending on the situation) but I often just let it go. My husband is the first person to say he's not very bright but he's certainly not stupid and has a very good job. Language just isn't his forte and everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. As long as your husband is a good man, what right have you got to nitpick and make him feel crap about himself?

HerMammy · 09/04/2021 08:02

Your example of his comment watching the football looks fine to me. Sounds like you’ve fixated on this as the reason to dislike him, you’re coming across as a bully and tbf borderline abusive, just go if you hate him.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 09/04/2021 08:13

Sounds like he has a speech and language issue.
Also sounds like you dislike him intensely. Did you ever find his word jumbling endearing?
The thing that most endears us is often the thing that most drives us mad a few years in. At first my husband’s bumbling was cute, a kind of foil to his high powered executive side. Now I think his flapping around ineffectually when faced with any practical or household issue is absolute twattery and I hate him for it.
Marriage counselling? Or make plans to leave Sad

DorisLessingsCat · 09/04/2021 08:20

I cannot understand the issue and my husband is the same. He gets names mixed up all the time. E.g. he'll call the freezer the fridge, his spelling and grammar is atrocious "I et the cheese". He also has a Walsall accent and doesn't say his H's.

I suspect he's undiagnosed dyslexic or has some other language processing problem. He's highly intelligent but failed English O level twice.

We've been married nearly 16 years. Our daughter speaks beautifully. Our friends don't notice or accept it as part of him. He's very much an adult. Why does this quirk of your husband's grate on you so much?

DorisLessingsCat · 09/04/2021 08:33

@Likeohmygod

Ok I get it I am the issue not him. I was never like this years ago. I used to be kind and supportive but I'm worn down and I feel like the only adult in the house.

How is he not an adult? Can you expand on this?

Ploughingthrough · 09/04/2021 08:36

Has he ever lived in another English speaking country? I live in a country where English is the main language, but their idioms are pretty different ie 'which way do you want to go by?' and 'how many you want?' and loads of others, they speak English but the idiomatic way of speaking English has the words in a different order or missing some of the connectives.
It is going to be very hard to change the speech patterns of a 36 year old, I'm not sure how a GP could help. Why do you feel like he's not an adult because of it?

Ploughingthrough · 09/04/2021 08:38

@Bluntness100

Op, to enable people to help you, can you reorder these words in the order you think is correct?

“I can't understand why is he going that way*

I guess 'I can't understand why he is going that way' would be correct.
Likeohmygod · 09/04/2021 08:44

@GoodbyePorpoiseSpit

I think I may have found it endearing yes. But he gets worse and worse and it winds me up.
Another example.. he said to the cat " you're getting big and big" meaning bigger and bigger of course.
A year ago he would've said it properly.
It just does my head in.

OP posts:
BrimFullOfAsher · 09/04/2021 08:51

...whereas I take years literally to connect with someone.

Interesting use of 'literally' there OP 🤔

Likeohmygod · 09/04/2021 09:06

It does LITERALLY take me years though. My best friend sat next to me for 2 years at work before I built a friendship with her, so yes, literally years. It's like that with a lot of my friendships, I take a long time to let my wall down and trust people.

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 09/04/2021 09:17

Why on earth did you choose to have three children by a man you are contemptuous of??

Likeohmygod · 09/04/2021 09:33

I didnt always feel this way about him.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 09/04/2021 09:41

You do know that you’re own grammar and diction are far from perfect?
Just leave, you sound ridiculous and resentful and completely without any empathy, god help the poor man if he does have a health issue.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/04/2021 09:54

When he cannot make himself understood with others and when people take the mick, is it really that they cannot understand, or are they doing it for effect because they don't like him, or are taking the piss? Men do take the piss out of each other far more than women. If you didn't jump in and 'translate', what would happen? Would he be able to make himself understood?

A lot of people are very imprecise with language because they're just not interested, weren't taught thoroughly at school and don't give mental space to learning and remembering words and grammar. All those millions of people who confuse bought and brought, specific and pacific, etc and ect, stick apostrophes in plurals, write chester draws and so on. All perfectly easy to understand though.

Ease of recall diminishes with age. From about the mid-30s onwards I think. Even in my 40s I notice it. The more articulate a person is, the easier it is for them to 'talk around' the word they can't find, fluently. Someone with a smaller vocabulary, less facility with language, or who is just more tired or distracted, will stumble or say the wrong word.

Your husband's grammatical slips seem different though, it isn't vocabulary that he's losing. Is it possible that he is saying the words in full in his head and doesn't notice that he doesn't pronounce it all out loud? In your cat and football examples, he was effectively talking to himself, speaking his inner monologue out loud, so maybe he wasn't monitoring his own speech or trying to make himself understood. 'I eat too much this morning' could be the same. He's musing on what happened earlier by imagining himself back in that situation, rather than giving you a journalistic report of what happened. Maybe he's just quite detached from you (and others), a bit lost in his inner world and talking to himself most of the time?

Fun as it is to speculate, you're never going to know unless he sees a doctor. Only he can decide to do that.

You need to adopt tactics to help yourself, I think. Make a distinction between active conversation, when you're really talking with each other and passive narrative. Model good speech for your DCs, talk with them and read with them, rather than correcting him. Children learn by copying, not by being told. Far better for them to learn to try to comprehend people who don't speak perfect English than learn to nitpick and mock. When they learn languages at school, they'll be the ones struggling with basic skills. Taking for granted that others will listen with a desire to understand, will give them the confidence to speak and improve.

I do understand how little things can really grate. I'm sure we all do. Surely they grate most when there isn't much good stuff going on in the relationship and least when everything else is strong?

You sound quite fixated on this issue, so that it's no longer a small thing for you. You need to decide whether that's because it's become symbolic of a dead relationship, or whether it's just the dripping tap you can't turn off but could learn to ignore.

HopingForOurRainbowBaby · 09/04/2021 10:00

I have always had speech issues, right from a young age. I always knew in my head what I wanted to say but the words would come out jumbled unless I was reading them from a book or something. I also talk really fast which doesn't help. 5 years ago I had a significant brain injury which left me with memory loss, weakness down my left side and my speech ten times worse than it used to be. Even now 5 years down the line I can forget things in seconds and during the times I am tired or stressed I have to force sentences out and think and process each word first. Sometimes it works other times it doesn't and I would be heartbroken to think people were taking the piss out of me or weren't very supportive because of it

Diverseopinions · 09/04/2021 10:35

What influences are impacting his use of language? Is he working in close proximity with a mate who might say, ' It's getting big and big!'?

He has used a question.as a statement: ' I can't understand why is he going that way.' As:
'I can't understand him. Why is he going THAT way?', it would be grammatically correct.
As other posters have said, for people for whom English is an additional language, such patterns and inversions are common. Has he picked up certain patterns at work?

Is English the first language for both of you? Have you noticed dialect features or idiosyncrasies in the way his relatives speak? Instead of being cross, transfer the energy into working out if this could be a medical problem, or if you believe that the evidence suggests that his misspeaking is getting worse.

Regarding the children, I think you are stressing because you are seeing progress as a linear thing: 'x,y and z will lead to success'. Development and self-actualisation is less rigid.
Children will pick up all sorts of idiom from schoolmates and will learn how to differentiate between standard English for essays and conversational idiom.
You are putting yourself under pressure by thinking you are responsible for every outcome that happens to those kids, and you have to get everything exactly right, or you won't be helping them. You may make yourself over- anxious if you aspire to control everything that you can .

Bumpsadaisie · 09/04/2021 11:02

Reading this thread has left me feeling quite confused and I wonder if that has some meaning.

I think there's a lot of confusion about what's wrong with the relationship, who it is that has "issues" and it is hard to get a sense of what rally might be going on here.

I don't think your DHs way of speaking is the sole problem here.

You sound very lonely OP and very angry and also sounds like you find it hard to get close to people. I wonder if trying to think more about those things might be more of a way forward than focusing on the speech issue.

Not to say the speech issue isn't concerning - and is worrying that he won't inhabit any concern for himself over it and get checked out. But you can't force it ... all you can do is your own stuff.

SleepySundays · 09/04/2021 11:19

When the sound of your dp’s breathing sets your teeth on edge it’s time to leave. When you get to the stage of constant irritation it signals the end. I remember even the way my ex breathed annoyed me by the end!
It’s all I could focus on ( very nasally and loud) . Sometimes these are just symptoms of built up resentment and loss of love.

StarsonaString · 09/04/2021 11:30

There are several things going on here which are all interrelated.

  1. You have anger issues.
  2. He has irritating speech patterns.
  3. As a couple, you do not have good communication or intimacy which leaves you (and likely him) unhappy.

You are likely finding him more annoying now than you used to because you have fallen out of love. I have had this toward the end of relationships where I get really annoyed by innocuous things. Once you reach the stage of contempt for your other half, the relationship is dead.

What would your options on separation be? Can you set out your feelings to him in a letter which gives him time to compose a response?

BrilliantBetty · 09/04/2021 11:46

My DH is a respected professional and says 'bless me' after sneezing.
It makes me cringe, I have told him so many times that this isn't the saying, it's 'bless you' or 'excuse me'. No need to even say anything really.. but for the love of god stop saying bless me.
I have sympathy, OP.
Hope he's ok though.

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