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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He shared private pictures online

607 replies

feelingexposed · 08/04/2021 15:32

Hello, I am actually very embarrassed to post this but needed to know if its happened to others and get some advice.

My husband has been taking pictures of me in private for years, sometimes sneaky ones other times he asks me to let him. As you can imagine i am in various stages of dressed in them, usually not at all. I didnt like it but let it slide because I thought all hubbies do that kind of thing.

This was okay until last week, some stranger messaged me on FB and was saying pervy comments and then sent me a picture of myself, fully nude asleep. I flipped out big time and asked him where he got it. Apparently he got it on an image sharing site when men share pics of their wives. I blocked the person and rang my husband immediately. He was really panicked and told me the whole story.

For the past 2 years he has been sharing my pictures on forums and websites specifically for unaware wives, he says he really enjoys it and it helps him de-stress and get off. He then said he has never shared my details and gave me a fake name (as if that made it okay). We have been trying to have a child for a number of years now and he claims it helps him manage his EJs. He said he never meant to hurt me and he is really sorry i found out.

What on earth do I do now? hundreds of men have seen these pictures and I love my husband so its really hard to make any decisions or talk to him right now. AIBU or is this justified? he has never cheated or anything like that.

Help

OP posts:
TristantheTyrannosaurus · 08/04/2021 16:36

You can be found. You were found. NONE of these photos are temporary. NONE of them. He's not perfect. I'm so sorry, but you've been living a lie. He's a sex offender and a criminal. He will continue to do this, hence the 'sneaky' photos. He puts his kink first.

nitsandwormsdodger · 08/04/2021 16:36

The excuse about infertility is bollocks lots of men face infertile problems without endangering their wives
That's just thrown your face so you feel sorry for him

NotATomato · 08/04/2021 16:36

You’ll never trust him again.

Ki0612 · 08/04/2021 16:37

This is horrifying. How can you possibly believe a word he says after this abuse.

FoxgloveBee · 08/04/2021 16:37

This is the worst thing I've ever read in MN.

BrimfulOfBaba · 08/04/2021 16:39

@feelingexposed In our 10 years together this is the only bad thing he has done, he has been perfect and loving in every other way. He keeps saying that the stress of not being able to conceive is what started this because he felt his "sperm was failing and somehow having other men cm for me helped".*

The only bad thing he has done, is a complete lack of care about your consent and dignity. That is really awful OP. Did he care that your friends, family, colleagues, neighbours might have seen? He is the one who put you at risk of being contacted by a random perve.

I really really hope this isn't real, but if it is, please speak to a friend or family member for support. I'm assuming you don't want them to know because you don't want them to think badly of him. This is him manipulating you - making you think maybe it's ok because the pictures disappear. I think you know they don't. They could very easily be screenshotted and shared on the dark web, so not something you can find on a reverse search. Please reach out to someone.

RandomMess · 08/04/2021 16:39

Sadly I think this will be an addiction for him that he can't/won't give up.

Motnight · 08/04/2021 16:40

What sort of photo have you on your Facebook profile, Op? It's incredibly worrying that people know who you are. Are you sure that your husband's telling the truth about changing your name?

As others have said your photos are now out there forever, you have no control over that.

Ninkanink · 08/04/2021 16:40

Also, you are embarrassed about this?? Why the hell should you be embarrassed about it?! It’s categorically not your shame to carry!

He paid for your master’s degree so it’s a fair trade for him to prostitute your body and violate your privacy without your consent? Listen to yourself, fgs! I am livid on your behalf and you need to get angry with him too!

Insomnia5 · 08/04/2021 16:40

Your husband is a sex offender. He belongs on a register

thewreckofthehesperus · 08/04/2021 16:41

I'm sorry OP but once something is online it is out there and neither he nor you have control over them and where they go. Watermarks can be removed, images can be screenshot and saved or quickly snapped from a screen on a camera phone.

This has already happened as you have been reverse image searched and found on FB, he has actually put you in danger here. For your own safety you need to go to the police and speak to someone to see what can be done to limit the damage he has done. There are depts that deal with revenge porn etc and can help/advise you. Try not to feel embarrassed, the shame should be his alone and I'm sure they're used to dealing with victims like this.

I'm sure right now you're emotionally raw but this is serious and you can't ignore it, please put yourself first and do what you need to do to protect yourself. You need support and help, this is not minor!

I would also suggest that similar to an adulterer he is only admitting to what he thinks he can get away with. Just because he has shown you one site he was using doesn't mean that was the ONLY site he was using.

Quite frankly I would ask him to leave as you need to get your head together. I would start counselling (on my own to help deal with this) I know it's hard to believe that he's capable of this but he is not the man you thought he was, can you really imagine spending the rest of your life worrying when falling asleep about what your partner could be doing to you? If you were to continue TTC and had a daughter is this the man you'd want to be raising her?

ChaToilLeam · 08/04/2021 16:41

He is abusive and a criminal. Divorce him, take him to the cleaners, have him prosecuted.

How can you ever trust this man again, or trust him around children? He has betrayed your trust in an appalling way. What a selfish, weak, hideous man.

Giantrooster · 08/04/2021 16:42

Please please let this not be real.

Nobody has this few boundaries. And his excuse that it is helping him while trying to conceive, he sure knows how to push your buttons.

The only advice you will get is leave this perverted, abusive, gross person 🤮🤮🤮.

Find your boundaries masters paid or not and report him.

StrapOnSallyChasedMeDownTheAli · 08/04/2021 16:43

@Motnight

What sort of photo have you on your Facebook profile, Op? It's incredibly worrying that people know who you are. Are you sure that your husband's telling the truth about changing your name?

As others have said your photos are now out there forever, you have no control over that.

And now someone knows your real name it is likely that they will be sharing that info and trying to find out more about you/ where you are etc. It'll only be a matter of time before someone that knows you sees those images. Scary Sad
Neighneigh · 08/04/2021 16:43

In the calmest, but strongest terms....tell him he has to leave your house tonight. Get him away from you. He isn't who you thought he was. And please, please ring the police, he's put you in a dangerous situation and absolutely has to be stopped. Keep photos or screen grabs of everything you can find.

fallfallfall · 08/04/2021 16:43

He has groomed you and has you believing this is normal. It’s neither normal or temporary. His excuse is lame, but you know this.

longtompot · 08/04/2021 16:43

My husband has been taking pictures of me in private for years, sometimes sneaky ones other times he asks me to let him. As you can imagine i am in various stages of dressed in them, usually not at all. I didnt like it but let it slide because I thought all hubbies do that kind of thing

In our 10 years together this is the only bad thing he has done, he has been perfect and loving in every other way. He keeps saying that the stress of not being able to conceive is what started this because he felt his "sperm was failing and somehow having other men c*m for me helped".

He has been doing something you don't like for 10 years, by taking photos of you when you feel vulnerable, and hasn't stopped. I don't know why you think he will stop uploading photos of you. Even if he does stop uploading your photo, will he stop going on to look at other people's wives in similarly vulnerable positions? He gets off on doing something someone doesn't like.

I would not stay with my husband if he ever did this. This is unforgivable. If you do stay with him, would you really trust him? Could you sleep well at night, or would you be worried he might be taking a photo of you? You are meant to trust the person you have chosen to spend your life with. He has betrayed this trust.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2021 16:45

You are married to a sexual predator.

That's it.

FireflyRainbow · 08/04/2021 16:45

OP you can't have a baby with him now can you. Because of what he has done I would be really concerned about the child. Don't be embarrassed, it is all him. Don't let him make you think this is normal behaviour, it's a crime.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 08/04/2021 16:46

This knocks me sick. Leave and report him to the police. I don't say that lightly.

The one man you are supposed to trust has been sharing indecent images of you online without your consent.

I could never be naked anywhere near him again. He's vile and so so disrespectful. Please don't have children with him!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/04/2021 16:49

I would not want to distress you further than you already are but it is highly probable your images are on multiple porn sites. You also need to report him to the police; this is a crime for which he should receive a custodial sentence. Do not protect him out of some misguided loyalty to him, out of some feeling that you owe him a relationship or for supporting you through your masters degree.

Re your comment:-
"I know what he did was really evil but I don't know if i can throw away 10 years and start again"

Your above comment is an example of the sunk costs fallacy and what he did to you was really evil too. I would not want to distress you further than you already are but it is highly probable your images are on multiple porn sites. You also need to report him to the police; this is a crime for which he should receive a custodial sentence. Do not protect him out of some misguided loyalty to him.

Do not get bogged down in the sunken costs fallacy here because that basically causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions. Remaining at all with him now for whatever reason will be a poor relationship decision on your part.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”

This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

Wallywobbles · 08/04/2021 16:50

You need the police because they'll do a better job than you and your morally questionable husband of tracing and removing the images. To reduce your current and future employers, clients, kids etc etc etc seeing them for the rest of your life.

Whether you stay with him or not you need help sorting this shit show out.

Is there someone you really really trust who you could share this info with because you seem to have had a bit of an outrage bypass. This is appalling behavior. If he'd just murdered the one person in 10 years would that be ok too?

Isthisit22 · 08/04/2021 16:51

He is a sex offender.

Taking pictures of you without your knowledge is absolutely disputable, criminal behaviour.

He will never stop. Please leave him

Ohpulltheotherone · 08/04/2021 16:51

fucking hell Op.

Your husband is a sexual predator.

This is not only immoral but highly illegal. It’s downright disgraceful.

I feel so so so sorry for you that you are in any way considering letting him get away with it.

He’s a sexual offender ffs. There is no way a respectful, typical guy does this. These are the actions of someone totally fucking perverted. Everyone has kinks and fantasies which other people might find questionable - that is not the issue - the issue is the question of consent. He might like the idea of posting anonymous photos of you and might fantasise about it (kinda strange to most ppl but each to their own) but to actually DO IT without your explicit consent is highly abusive and fucking illegal.

Do not have a baby with this person, he’s a fucking sexual predator

Thisgirlcando · 08/04/2021 16:52

If you accept this and stay with him it will create more blurred lines. He knows you haven’t approved but he will have got away with it so where will he go next with it?

I don’t want to sound nasty but your standards sound really low. You deserve better than this. He hasn’t thrown funding your masters back..... good! That doesn’t make him an exceptional husband, it means that in this one area he is reasonable, I’m guessing your masters was to increase earning potential, helping you both in future.