He shared private pictures online

[feelingexposed]

Hello, I am actually very embarrassed to post this but needed to know if its happened to others and get some advice.

My husband has been taking pictures of me in private for years, sometimes sneaky ones other times he asks me to let him. As you can imagine i am in various stages of dressed in them, usually not at all. I didnt like it but let it slide because I thought all hubbies do that kind of thing.

This was okay until last week, some stranger messaged me on FB and was saying pervy comments and then sent me a picture of myself, fully nude asleep. I flipped out big time and asked him where he got it. Apparently he got it on an image sharing site when men share pics of their wives. I blocked the person and rang my husband immediately. He was really panicked and told me the whole story.

For the past 2 years he has been sharing my pictures on forums and websites specifically for unaware wives, he says he really enjoys it and it helps him de-stress and get off. He then said he has never shared my details and gave me a fake name (as if that made it okay). We have been trying to have a child for a number of years now and he claims it helps him manage his EJs. He said he never meant to hurt me and he is really sorry i found out.

What on earth do I do now? hundreds of men have seen these pictures and I love my husband so its really hard to make any decisions or talk to him right now. AIBU or is this justified? he has never cheated or anything like that.

Help

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP. What an appalling invasion of privacy from the person who is meant to be closest to you. And I can’t imagine the shock of being contacted like that either.
I would definitely get advice from somewhere like the police to see what action you can take. I don’t think I could personally have children or a future with someone like this, no matter their excuse, but that’s your decision to make.
Don’t let him undermine your reaction or try to make excuses though. You have every right to be hurt and upset (I mean, stronger words needed really!!)

Imagine he shared pictures of you pregnant, growing his child, for other vile men to wank over.

I am so incensed on your behalf. A stranger, found you on FaceBook because your husband posted a picture of you - taken without your consent - on a website that has been set up specifically for that behaviour? I would find every device that he has, smash it to pieces, run said bits through hottest washing machine cycle and then make him eat it.

This obviously wouldn’t solve issue because pics are out there forever but would make me feel better as I kicked his arse out of the door.

What an effing wan@£ - a random stranger has found you on the internet; how can you be confident he can’t find you in real life?

I am so disgusted - I know if it had happened to me I would get police / legal advice.

So sorry OP but how could you trust this absolute tosser with anything in the future?

I'm genuinely concerned that you don't want to throw this relationship away.

OP, you say this is the ONLY bad thing he has done in ten years...first of all, this is not one thing, this is lying over a long period and repeatedly doing something illegal which violates and compromises you. You don't see to have much self-esteem from the way you're talking about his behaviour.

Second, you found out about this one thing but what else is he doing and hiding from you? This is not the only thing, he is a serial liar and has zero respect for you.

If you allow this behaviour with no repercussions at all for him, how much worse is his behaviour going to get in the future?

He already threw your relationship away, he's just waiting to see if you're agreeable to being treated like a worthless thing that's there for his pleasure and amusement only. You aren't making a choice to throw ten years of a relationship away, he did that for you. The only choice you are making is deciding what you are worth in this world and whether you actually deserve this kind of behaviour from your partner.

Don't have children with him ffs. What if you had a daughter? I would never trust him, ever. He is a criminal. Every single one of those photos could have easily been saved and re shared in all sorts of dodgy dark Web sites. He does not love you, someone that loved you would not violate you like that. Only last night there was a programme on how womens lives have been devastated by this kind of shit, even to the point of suicide He is not a good man, far from it. He needs to face the consequences with the police.

In our 10 years together this is the only bad thing he has done, he has been perfect and loving in every other way. He keeps saying that the stress of not being able to conceive is what started this because he felt his "sperm was failing and somehow having other men cm for me helped".*

Op .... please please don't do this. Please. This could be the only bad thing he does in his entire life and he would still be a twisted, disgusting abusivr criminal.

You deserve BETTER THAN THIS. Do not let him worm his way out of this because the way out is scary.

You are not in for an easy time of it for a while, it will be difficult, but you cannot stay in this relationship, and bring children into it! He is twisted. This is not normal and it cannot be excused by difficulties conceiving.

He has shown you who he is, now LISTEN TO HIM AND LEAVE

I'm sorry that you're going through this, but I would tell him that you need some time to think.

Download an app on your phone that records phone conversations, then call him.
Say you want to discuss this before you return home. You want to know what he was thinking, how long this has been going on? Why? Tell him how upset you are.

When he's incriminated himself enough, tell him you'll be coming home.

Then go straight to the police station. Report him. Ask them if they can remove him from your home. You have been sexually assaulted. You are not safe with him around, this much has been proven by his actions.

Then get a divorce from this vile vile man.

I am so so sorry. Its also possible that these pictures will end up as adverts on hook up and fetish sites.
Please do not let him trivialise this situation. What he has done is the biggest breach of trust that I feel could be committed in a relationship

I've read about that sperm competition thing before, but can't recall where - we've been ttc no.2 for years OP - there is a scientific explanation for it - again, can't recall the terminology used, but he's obviously read it somewhere too.
The wrongs here are: he should have asked your permission and he then should have pixalated out your face.

In our 10 years together this is the only bad thing he has done, he has been perfect and loving in every other way. He keeps saying that the stress of not being able to conceive is what started this because he felt his "sperm was failing and somehow having other men cm for me helped".

I don't know what to do, apart from this one thing we have had a perfect live together to the envy of all our friends, I also really relay on him financial and he founded my masters. At no point has he ever thrown that in my face. I know what he did was really evil but I don't know if i can throw away 10 years and start again :(*

It's not a perfect life. He has violated you. Do you honestly want your future children to have a dad who could do this to women? Is this who you want to bring up children with? He didn't do it to help you in conceiving, he's trying to talk you round. He did it because doing things to women against their will turns him on.

Completely unforgivable. There is no excuse in the world that would justify this. Worse than cheating.

Websites specifically for "unaware wives"? That means your lack of consent was part of the turn on for your husband. Presumably he got off on seeing other posters wives, explicitly without their personal consent, too.

This is seriously abusive, and has put you in a dangerous position where you could be stalked or blackmailed. I don't think there's any coming back from that.

This is also a sex offence. Do you want your children to have a sex offender as a dad? His behaviours may get worse, they may not. Why risk it?

"He keeps saying that the stress of not being able to conceive is what started this because he felt his "sperm was failing and somehow having other men c*m for me helped".

What an absolute arsehole.

He's vile and a sex pervert. He's probably been doing this for years. How long has he been taking pictures of you? That's how long he's been sharing them... probably longer if he's taking them when you sleep. He's broken the law - can you not see that?

Forget having a baby with this man - you can never trust him again, let alone allow him within spiting distance of you.

This is so utterly grim.

This relationship has to be over. He has broken your trust, broken the law, made you identifiable for someone to be able to contact you, potentially put you at risk of harm, risk of blackmail, risk of these images being shared with family, friends and employers. He's violated your body, shown how little he values you, and how little he cares about your consent. If you forgive this, where do you draw the line?

I see this as far far worse than cheating. It's abusive and shows he has zero respect for you. I absolutely could not move past this.

Report it to the police and kick him out. He doesn’t love you if he’s resorting to this. He has no respect for you and you can do better. There are good men out there.

puts the viewers IP address as a watermark on the image to prevent resharing.

You realise there are apps out there that can remove watermarks, right?! Never used them myself but I have heard of them.

I can't even comment on that creepy update.
His boundaries are so off I would be thinking he's dangerous.

Is there anyway you can spend some time away from him? Just to get some perspective? What he did was abusive. It's possible to start again. Especially after something like this.

OP, my love. This isn't right. You are not throwing away 10 years, and you'll soon come to realise that it's not just one thing he's done wrong, this will reach into every aspect of your life : trust, respect, intimacy, self esteem.

Whether the photos are permanent or temporary is a distraction, he's using it to gas light you.

You need support, this a trauma and you'll have a gauntlet of emotions to come.

Please consider talking to someone. I had a therapist from The Laurel Centre help me after discovering my H is a porn/sex addict, please consider talking to them. They saved my sanity.

This is entirely his issue, and the deep level of disrespect for you is really troubling - you can see that from the depth of feeling in this post.

I'd be filing for divorce and calling the police. This is one of the worst things I've ever read.

He’s been getting his kicks by looking at other women without their consent and enjoying other men getting off on your lack of consent.

How much worse does it have to be before you accept this isn’t a ‘perfect marriage’ or one worth hanging on to?

‘I thought all hubbies do that kind of thing’

Absolutely not.

Your husband sexually abused you and is watching other women being sexually abused. He gets off on the lack of consent. That is seriously disturbing, and more so that you want to stay with him.