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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He shared private pictures online

607 replies

feelingexposed · 08/04/2021 15:32

Hello, I am actually very embarrassed to post this but needed to know if its happened to others and get some advice.

My husband has been taking pictures of me in private for years, sometimes sneaky ones other times he asks me to let him. As you can imagine i am in various stages of dressed in them, usually not at all. I didnt like it but let it slide because I thought all hubbies do that kind of thing.

This was okay until last week, some stranger messaged me on FB and was saying pervy comments and then sent me a picture of myself, fully nude asleep. I flipped out big time and asked him where he got it. Apparently he got it on an image sharing site when men share pics of their wives. I blocked the person and rang my husband immediately. He was really panicked and told me the whole story.

For the past 2 years he has been sharing my pictures on forums and websites specifically for unaware wives, he says he really enjoys it and it helps him de-stress and get off. He then said he has never shared my details and gave me a fake name (as if that made it okay). We have been trying to have a child for a number of years now and he claims it helps him manage his EJs. He said he never meant to hurt me and he is really sorry i found out.

What on earth do I do now? hundreds of men have seen these pictures and I love my husband so its really hard to make any decisions or talk to him right now. AIBU or is this justified? he has never cheated or anything like that.

Help

OP posts:
Tinkling · 08/04/2021 21:03

Very brave OP. Lots of love and best wishes

BeatBox6 · 08/04/2021 21:03

I used to say that about my ex. Different circumstances to the OPs, but that feeling does eventually fade the longer you're apart and when you learn to value yourself.

Glad to see she's leaving him but a bit worried about him not being reported and OP claiming she still loves him and always will

GNCQ · 08/04/2021 21:05

I hope you are still reading OP.

It is a huge and serious situation you have found yourself in.

I implore you to please reconsider your decision not to involve the police.

Take my word he will not be put in prison and end up behind bars over this. That simply won't happen.
It will be a "first offense" and treated lightly, but it should lead to him being on the sex offenders register.

Future partners need to be able to check the register. I believe it's Clair's Law (if I remember correctly) that enables the name of former abusers to be disclosed to future partners, this may be in connection with violent offenders only but either way being on the sex offenders register is something future partners really need to know.

So please. Reconsider telling the police. Ask for a female officer when you present your evidence.

PurpleMustang · 08/04/2021 21:05

EVERYTHING he has said is bullshit. From it being temporary, a destresser for him. And it is a crime. He sees you as his property and an object. Have my first LTB, in fact run. Run, the hills are that way........

Bzzzzzbumblebee · 08/04/2021 21:06

As he has taken the pictures for 10 years it can’t have been the recent stress of TTC. He is using that as an excuse.

Also, he has shown you 1 account, there are probably more. This is where the police can help.

Have you thought what you will say to family/friends? If you don’t want to tell the truth (you have done nothing to be ashamed of but it is a normal reaction) how will you explain asking him to leave? He might be friendly now but divorce brings out the worst in people and if you don’t give a reason he will and it won’t be flattering to you.

MumUndone · 08/04/2021 21:08

Complete and utter violation of trust. I'm sorry OP, this is hideous.

SappysCurry · 08/04/2021 21:09

This doesn’t compute though ? Have you been TTC for ten years ? Otherwise what’s his excuse ? has he been ‘stress relieving ‘ for TEN years?
It’s lies - he’s a dangerous person, good that you have told him to go and you need to report this as he will only get worse if not stopped now, it’s been going on for ten years now

GNCQ · 08/04/2021 21:12

Yeah sorry to be harsh but it's no wonder you can't conceive, seeing as his sperm is

RosieCockle · 08/04/2021 21:12

Christ Almighty. I've read some bad shit on here but this is the worst. PLEASE speak to the police. This is just excruciatingly awful. He's a criminal. "Destress?" Really? I would laugh if this wasn't a serious criminal sexual offence. I hope you are ok xxx

GNCQ · 08/04/2021 21:13

All going elsewhere - eg into a tissue when you're sleeping

MadeForThis · 08/04/2021 21:14

Don't feel like you need to protect him. He can face the consequences of his actions. It's his fault if he is prosecuted not yours.

You will need support to deal with this. You haven't processed it yet. The big picture still has to hit you. Who may have seen this, what is still out there, it's identifiable.

He has shown you one website that deletes the pictures. Others might not. Hard copies will exist.

Dealing with this will be complex and traumatic.

If you had been raped you would turn to family and friends for support. He has abused you in a very public way. Don't protect him. He didn't protect you.

TownTalkJewels · 08/04/2021 21:14

Just wanted to say I really feel for you OP. This is a heart breaking story.

Get yourself a good counsellor so you have someone to talk through these feelings with. I agree with the other posters who’ve said you don’t have much of a choice here, although I’m not usually one to jump on the leave-him bandwagon. You’ve made the right decision to leave, well done.

Monr0e · 08/04/2021 21:27

So it's been for the whole 10 years not just 2?

OP I'm so sorry, this is a massive shock, please just take care of yourself. I know you don't want to tell anyone but I hope you are able to get some support from family and friends to get through this.

Deathgrip · 08/04/2021 21:29

I’m sure there must be organisations who help support victims through revenge porn situations - I realise this is a little different but they will be dealing with lots of the same issues. You are definitely going to need someone to help you process this and if I were your friend I would really want to support you. Please reach out to someone you know and trust.

butterrcup · 08/04/2021 21:36

I would phone the police if i found out people had naked pictures of me asleep which my husband had put on the internet. That is completely unforgivable. I wouldn't give a shit if they had been a perfect partner until then! I would absolutely mortified! Especially with the circumstances of how you found out! What the hell. I couldn't live with someone knowing they had done that. Not only that but could if this person has found your facebook, you don't have your place of work on there do you? That would be my biggest concern!

Onthedunes · 08/04/2021 21:38

Please think about going to the police, I know you say you love him and don't want him prosecuted by what happens when he does this to someone else.
He will have faced no consequenses.

He will do it again.

Honeyroar · 08/04/2021 21:40

If a stranger had broken into his laptop and shared your photos you’d be going crazy and would’ve definitely called the police...

DianaT1969 · 08/04/2021 21:40

A complete violation. Do you know the #MeToo campaign OP? The current backlash against misogyny and rapey culture being highlighted right now? All through that period your husband thought he owned you like a piece of meat. He circulated your image for other men's wank fodder. He circulated your face so that your employers, friends and family can see it. Your future children could have seen it. Nothing you do will get those images out of the public arena now.
He should go to prison and never be allowed to have a relationship with a woman or child again.

ThrowingAShellstrop · 08/04/2021 21:40

OP. You don’t have to do anything right now. Whilst he’s gone, make copies of everything you’ve found, find bank statements, ID etc and make copies of that too. Look after yourself and give yourself space to think this through. You sound like an intelligent, capable woman. You can do what’s right, be kind to yourself Flowers

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 08/04/2021 21:40

Criminal offence. Go to the police and divorce immediately.

DianaT1969 · 08/04/2021 21:42

Another thing - when you do leave this man 'you love' ('cos there's so much to love about him, right?) expect him to punish you by releasing more revenge porn.
Who needs an enemy when you've got a husband like this?

cakebythepound1234 · 08/04/2021 21:42

This is so awful, I feel for you OP. There is no coming back from this, so I'm pleased to hear you are leaving him.
I totally understand why you don't want to go to the police or make it known what happened to you, but if this is what he has done while married to you and apparently in love with you, what is he capable of doing to you or images of you when you are going through a divorce? I really think you should reconsider going to the police - even if you don't want to see him punished you need to protect your future self from any recriminations from him. If you go to the police now then perhaps that will prevent him from violating you again.

EarthSight · 08/04/2021 21:46

Well done for taking the decision to divorce him.

However, I do urge you to tell the police. This will be an easy case for them because there's no way he can delete everything without a trace. If he's done it to you, I think he'll do it again to another poor unsuspecting woman in future. He's only sorry he got caught and I really think the poluce should be made aware of him.

If he didn't want the police after him, he shouldn't have been posting naked photos of you online. Simple.

Shoxfordian · 08/04/2021 21:47

He’s destroyed your trust and it’s completely inexcusable. Please reconsider going to the police

Replays · 08/04/2021 21:51

I've only read the first few pages and all of the OPs, so apologies if someone's already said this.

What's he's done is utterly horrific abd I totally understand why you wouldn't want anyone knowing. But the shame is on him, not you.

But if it were me, I would blackmail him with the threat of the police unless he turned every penny and property over to me and then get a divorce. Illegal too but hey he's utter scum and you would get to start over and he would be spared a criminal conviction.

I hope you leave him whatever happens. What a disgusting individual.

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