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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He shared private pictures online

607 replies

feelingexposed · 08/04/2021 15:32

Hello, I am actually very embarrassed to post this but needed to know if its happened to others and get some advice.

My husband has been taking pictures of me in private for years, sometimes sneaky ones other times he asks me to let him. As you can imagine i am in various stages of dressed in them, usually not at all. I didnt like it but let it slide because I thought all hubbies do that kind of thing.

This was okay until last week, some stranger messaged me on FB and was saying pervy comments and then sent me a picture of myself, fully nude asleep. I flipped out big time and asked him where he got it. Apparently he got it on an image sharing site when men share pics of their wives. I blocked the person and rang my husband immediately. He was really panicked and told me the whole story.

For the past 2 years he has been sharing my pictures on forums and websites specifically for unaware wives, he says he really enjoys it and it helps him de-stress and get off. He then said he has never shared my details and gave me a fake name (as if that made it okay). We have been trying to have a child for a number of years now and he claims it helps him manage his EJs. He said he never meant to hurt me and he is really sorry i found out.

What on earth do I do now? hundreds of men have seen these pictures and I love my husband so its really hard to make any decisions or talk to him right now. AIBU or is this justified? he has never cheated or anything like that.

Help

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 08/04/2021 19:48

It wasn't a perfect life was it. For years he's been doing something that you didn't want him to.

Butwasitherdriveway · 08/04/2021 19:49

The waif.

Oh I'm not sure what I hope.

I hope someone isn't having us on but I also don't actually want a human being to have gone through this....

MrMeSeeks · 08/04/2021 19:49

This is a crime.
Im so sorry op but ( i’m not sure i’ve ever said this) he would be fucking gone.
I’d be calling the police and he’d be gone.
There is no coming back from this.

‘Only bad thing he’s done’? Would you be saying this if this were a friend? A sibling? Im guessing not.
He’s a disgrace, a criminal, a pervert.
Is this REALLY what you want as a FATHER to your children? This is your role model?
Famtastic, let’s hope you don’t have sons, so he can learn daddy’s lessons Hmm
Let’s hope you don’t have daughters so she doesn’t think this is ok.
I wouldn't even have this thing breathing near me.
He doesn’t love you, i’m sorry, but no one who truly loves someone would do this to a person.

If you do nothing you’re telling him it’s ok to
Abuse you, and it’s not.

awesomekillick · 08/04/2021 19:50

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Livpool · 08/04/2021 19:54

Agree with PPs that this is one of the worst things I have ever read. I couldn't stay with him - he'd make my skin crawl

ForTheLoveOfWine · 08/04/2021 19:55

Please do not have a child with the horrible man

This might be the one things he’s done but it’s absolutely vile and I would never be able to look at him again

He’s only sorry he’s caught and now panicking in case you tell people....

Do not waste another 10 years with this horrible man

Dery · 08/04/2021 19:58

“Websites specifically for "unaware wives"? That means your lack of consent was part of the turn on for your husband. Presumably he got off on seeing other posters wives, explicitly without their personal consent, too.”

Not RTFT but OP - I think you must still be in shock because you are currently under-reacting. He has, without your knowledge, pimped you as wank fodder as have all those other horrible men pimped their trusting and unknowing wives. He thinks you’re a thing - a possession of his - not a person.

This surely should be sex offender register territory. You cannot contemplate having children with a sex offender.

Monr0e · 08/04/2021 19:59

He reduced you to wank fodder.

For strangers on the Internet. And got off on it.

Do you really want this man as the father of your daughters?

tortoiselover100 · 08/04/2021 20:01

What if your family and friends are these images? And people you work with it in your community? It's the same as revenge porn except his motive was his own sick perversions rather than directly to shame you. It has the same effect though.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 08/04/2021 20:02

Report him to the police, this is a crime and the website requires urgent investigation. Just think about all those other women on this site that are unaware & plastered naked online. This is beyond comprehension. Please do not accept his pathetic excuse of what caused him to expose you is such a deplorable way.

LimpLettice · 08/04/2021 20:04

OP I know this has come out of the blue but I'm a bit shocked by your reaction! What he has done is absolutely an assault, an abuse. Men like this escalate, looking for bigger wank highs all the time. I don't understand how, putting aside your feelings and the financial aspect, you could possibly feel safe to continue and have babies with this man? He is literally getting his masturbation thrills out of other men wanking over pictures of you sleeping? This is TERRIFYING. He's blaming stress and alleviating stress by giving your private images to strangers for their sexual use? Please tell me you can see he's a criminal deviant for doing this?

Itlod1982 · 08/04/2021 20:05

I'm still not convinced this is real BUT if it is you wed to report it. The police will take his laptop and phone etc and I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg. Who knows what else would be found??

tiredmum2468 · 08/04/2021 20:06

@feelingexposed
I'd phone the police and ask to speak to someone for advice
Then get everything sorted to leave

You deserve so much better than that xx

Panicmode1 · 08/04/2021 20:08

I have never ever said this before on here, but LTB. Now. And phone the police and report him.

That is one of the most egregious breaches of trust that I have ever seen on here. I would be in a solicitors office faster than the speed of light.

SappysCurry · 08/04/2021 20:10

Are there no depths low enough for some men these days? 🤮🤮🤮
Sorry OP he’s dangerous you need to get as far away from him as possible

MoreHairyThanScary · 08/04/2021 20:10

I feel for you op, I think you are conditioned in this relationship.

You didn't want him to take photos in the first place "but thought lo husbands did that", then he has pushed you further and further taking photos when you are asleep and now you find he has posted these online.

Where are your boundaries? What kind of relationship role models did you have to think this is in anyway acceptable? How would you ever be able to trust him again?

I think you need to make this real and talk to someone other than your husband who's minimising in the extreme, then plan next steps I'm guessing the police won't be involved but they should be ... what job does your husband have because if he has any responsibilities near vulnerable people you really really need to consider this as his level of acceptable and legal are massively off!

paradyning · 08/04/2021 20:14

What the actual fuck. I know it's really easy to say this but ltb. That's an unforgivable violation. And please get some support n real life. It doesn't matter that he funded your masters.

Original poster
feelingexposed · 08/04/2021 20:15

I'd like to say thank you to everyone who has replied to this. You have all made me realise that I am still in shock and not reacting correctly.

I have told him to stay at his mothers and I have made my mind up that we are stopping TTC and I am going to end the relationship and divorce him.

However I am currently not planning on telling anyone in my life, I don't think I can bare people knowing that my naked body is spread across hundreds of hard drives for perverts and some people even trying to find them. This also means I am not going to the police, he has broken all my trust but I don't think I will ever stop loving him and I don't want to see him in prison. I know a lot of people won't agree with this but this is my current thinking.

He has shown me all the pictures he had in his file and there was a lot. 10 years worth of our relationship and my body in very clear pictures and 90% with my full face as well. I will however be reporting the site, I spent 10 minutes on there earlier and it is not good reading. I really hope this doesn't happen to anyone else.

Thank you all again

OP posts:
Dery · 08/04/2021 20:15

“I feel for you op, I think you are conditioned in this relationship.

You didn't want him to take photos in the first place "but thought lo husbands did that", then he has pushed you further and further taking photos when you are asleep and now you find he has posted these online.

Where are your boundaries? What kind of relationship role models did you have to think this is in anyway acceptable? How would you ever be able to trust him again?”

This, too. All hubbies do NOT take naked photos of their wives. If you didn’t like it, you should have felt able to say no. Assuming this is all true, your H is a sexual predator with a vast sense of entitlement who regards you as a thing, not a human being in your own right. He has put you in great danger. Thank God you don’t have children. You need him gone.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 08/04/2021 20:15

@Itlod1982

I'm still not convinced this is real BUT if it is you wed to report it. The police will take his laptop and phone etc and I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg. Who knows what else would be found??
Do you really think this is a made up threat? Sorry I'm pretty new to MN & can't imagine why someone would fabricate such a horrific crime.
Dery · 08/04/2021 20:16

Cross-posted with your update, OP, so ignore my last. You’ve made the right decision. So sorry you’re having to go through something so painful and difficult.

Ninkanink · 08/04/2021 20:16

People troll with all kinds of shit here, unfortunately.

But it could just as well be true. This happens to women daily.

WisnaeMe · 08/04/2021 20:17

Bless you OP, this is a massive amount of information to digest.

Take your time and please reconsider contacting the Police.

Do not let him back into your home, or your life. 🌸

Ninkanink · 08/04/2021 20:21

Sorry crossposted with update.

You’re doing the right thing, @feelingexposed. I hope you manage to come out of the shock quickly. Keep strong.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 08/04/2021 20:22

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