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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He shared private pictures online

607 replies

feelingexposed · 08/04/2021 15:32

Hello, I am actually very embarrassed to post this but needed to know if its happened to others and get some advice.

My husband has been taking pictures of me in private for years, sometimes sneaky ones other times he asks me to let him. As you can imagine i am in various stages of dressed in them, usually not at all. I didnt like it but let it slide because I thought all hubbies do that kind of thing.

This was okay until last week, some stranger messaged me on FB and was saying pervy comments and then sent me a picture of myself, fully nude asleep. I flipped out big time and asked him where he got it. Apparently he got it on an image sharing site when men share pics of their wives. I blocked the person and rang my husband immediately. He was really panicked and told me the whole story.

For the past 2 years he has been sharing my pictures on forums and websites specifically for unaware wives, he says he really enjoys it and it helps him de-stress and get off. He then said he has never shared my details and gave me a fake name (as if that made it okay). We have been trying to have a child for a number of years now and he claims it helps him manage his EJs. He said he never meant to hurt me and he is really sorry i found out.

What on earth do I do now? hundreds of men have seen these pictures and I love my husband so its really hard to make any decisions or talk to him right now. AIBU or is this justified? he has never cheated or anything like that.

Help

OP posts:
Frustratedbeyondbelief · 08/04/2021 17:52

Hi OP - It sounds like you want to forgive him. There is nothing wrong with that. Forgiveness is in the gift of the giver. It will be an extremely unpopular view on here because no one besides you is living this experience with your exact set of circumstances.

Personally, If this happened to me I would be going to the police and divorcing him. However I am not you. I don't live your life.

Whatever you do make sure that all photos are removed. This is his job to do. After that - you need to see a professional therapist (which he needs to fund) to help you explore if you really are going to forgive and move on together OR if you are too scared to move on because of all the stuff that surrounds such a decision and help you find a way out.
No one gets to end your marriage but you or your husband. However staying after such a terrible betrayal needs to be because you choose to. Not because you feel there are no other options .

thenewduchessofhastings · 08/04/2021 17:52

I don't know why any of us are wasting our breath here;read OP's replies;she's not going to leave him and turn him in to the police as a sex offender.

I bet if she stayed in somewhere like a air b n b and the owner took unsolicited photos with a hidden camera of her in various states of undress and then put them online for other blokes to perv over she'd be straight onto the police but in this instance it's fine because the offender is her husband.

CuntyMcBollocks · 08/04/2021 17:53

That is abhorrent!! It's most definitely NOT something that husbands do, especially not in a normal, loving relationship. That would be classed as sexual abuse and you should report him. I'm so sorry this has been done to you Flowers

beginningoftheend · 08/04/2021 17:55

Flowers for you, a terrible shock.

There are loads of questions for you to think about and you don't have to decide anything today.

  • do you want to tell friends/family?
  • do you see it as one event or lots of individual events?
  • do you think he has told you everything?
  • do you want to tell the police?
  • could you possible really contemplate starting a family with this person?

I advise you speak to a specialist counsellor perhaps, this is a big deal.

The only thing I think you need to decide right now is not to keep trying to conceive just now.

More Flowers for you.

Queenie6655 · 08/04/2021 17:56

I'm so sad to read this

Please listen to others here

Poor you xxxxxx

Soulstirring · 08/04/2021 17:57

I don’t think I’ve ever said leave before. I’m very pragmatic and open minded but this, OP is not acceptable. This is a violation. Of everything. You, your privacy, your relationship, your safety and your sanity.

You can leave, you owe him nothing. Ten years is a long time but for over at least a quarter of this he has used you to ‘get off’ and for other men you would never dream of revealing yourself to, to ‘get off’ too.

And whilst you slept!!! This is bordering on rape to me. This is serious.

I’m sorry OP, you need a strength you don’t know you possess and an anger to do right by yourself. Stand tall and proud and take control of your life.

Cottonheadedninymuggins · 08/04/2021 17:57

I think that's exactly what he's relying on. That you'd be too embarrassed to tell other people and that means a few uncomfortable weeks till 'it's all forgotten about' and it goes back to normal.

Except it won't. Who knows when the next person may message or talk to you in the street or knock on your door because they think your fair game

Justcashnosweets · 08/04/2021 17:57

I actually can't believe that of all the excuses he could have given, he decided to say it was to 'de-stress'?!?! Fuck that!!! It is way beyond an abuse of trust, and into actual abuse territory. Get him kicked out and reported to the police. Horrible dirty bastard that he is. I'm so sorry. FlowersFlowers

EarthSight · 08/04/2021 17:57

@ConnieCaterpillar70

Surely this isn't real?
@ConnieCaterpillar70 I can believe it's totally real. Some abusive, fucked up men use this as a way to get off. It's related to voyeurism and upskirting. I'm sure there are whole sites dedicated to it.

For some of them, it's basically a form of revenge against their partners. They get off on the fact that their partners would be deeply upset and shamed if they found out, and the fact that they haven't given their consent.

Even if he was doing it to 'show her off ' to his little online buddies, her dignity, wants or consent was simply not part of the equation.

gallileofigaro · 08/04/2021 17:57

If you're going to stay with him you have to accept that the trust has gone regardless.

What else has he done or is he doing that you don't know about. If you'd not found out he'd still be doing it.

nimbuscloud · 08/04/2021 17:58

This is horrendous.

CarpeVitam · 08/04/2021 17:59

OMG! This has to be one of the worst things I've ever read on here!

Police OP, definitely.

Conditionconditioncondition · 08/04/2021 18:00

Erm I would be calling the police

Ninkanink · 08/04/2021 18:00

Flowers Flowers This must be absolutely devastating for you.

Wishing you strength.

Kelly345 · 08/04/2021 18:01

@feelingexposed

Hello, I am actually very embarrassed to post this but needed to know if its happened to others and get some advice.

My husband has been taking pictures of me in private for years, sometimes sneaky ones other times he asks me to let him. As you can imagine i am in various stages of dressed in them, usually not at all. I didnt like it but let it slide because I thought all hubbies do that kind of thing.

This was okay until last week, some stranger messaged me on FB and was saying pervy comments and then sent me a picture of myself, fully nude asleep. I flipped out big time and asked him where he got it. Apparently he got it on an image sharing site when men share pics of their wives. I blocked the person and rang my husband immediately. He was really panicked and told me the whole story.

For the past 2 years he has been sharing my pictures on forums and websites specifically for unaware wives, he says he really enjoys it and it helps him de-stress and get off. He then said he has never shared my details and gave me a fake name (as if that made it okay). We have been trying to have a child for a number of years now and he claims it helps him manage his EJs. He said he never meant to hurt me and he is really sorry i found out.

What on earth do I do now? hundreds of men have seen these pictures and I love my husband so its really hard to make any decisions or talk to him right now. AIBU or is this justified? he has never cheated or anything like that.

Help

Sorry you found out us not the same as sorry he did it. It means he's only sorry he got caught. You need to think about where that lack of remorse for your feelings leaves this relationship. Trying for a baby should be the very last thing you do after being treated this appallingly by someone who only feels sorry for himself.
hellcatspangle · 08/04/2021 18:01

If he gave you a fake name how did this person find you to send you the image?

Thisisnotwhatiwant · 08/04/2021 18:03

He’s sorry you found out... says it all.

Please consider what else he may have done that you haven’t found out about... yet!
How could you ever trust this man again? He’s doing this while you sleep. What happens if you have a child with this man and he takes photos of them and posts them online?

I’d get out as soon as you can... 10 years is nothing. You’d be living your life wondering what the hell he may be doing next.

mistermagpie · 08/04/2021 18:04

This is horrible, I think it's one of the worst things I've read on here and I've read some shocking stuff.

I'm not sure I understand how or why someone has found you on Facebook though, without your name. That seems odd - are you sure he hasn't shared even more information with people

First kick him out. Second, call the police.

He's not a good husband, a good friend to you or a good person. He would not be a good father either. Keep these in your mind when he is grovelling.

Tiredmum100 · 08/04/2021 18:05

Your husband is a disgusting excuse for a human being. You do sound as if you are going to stay with him and you are defending him. What he has done to you is abuse. As others have said he's also looking at images of other innocent women being violated. But that's ok? Its so sickening to read. I would leave my husband if he did this to me, and report him to the police. Do you not feel betrayed? The 10 years you've been together have been wonderful, yet he's abusing you, your trust, everything. What is one of these sick men find you in real life and assault you? Your husband gets off on a load of of dirty pigs wanking over you when you're unaware, sleeping and vulnerable? He sounds fucking vile. I am honestly horrified you haven't left him. How would he feel if someone did this to his mother, sister, or maybe daughter one day. How would he feel if you did it to him?

EarthSight · 08/04/2021 18:08

In our 10 years together this is the only bad thing he has done, he has been perfect and loving in every other way. He keeps saying that the stress of not being able to conceive is what started this because he felt his "sperm was failing and somehow having other men cm for me helped*

What a pathetic sob story he's given to explain his perfectly lucid lack of regard for your dignity and consent. I could never, ever get over that and would be absolutely distraught. Some of the people who use these sites are going to be very I.T savvy. Anyone can screenshot, edit the image the bit and then reshare. Your photoshop skills don't need to be particularly sophisticated to do it. It foesn' matter anyway. He was sharing naked photos of you with other men without your consent, sharing or no sharing.

Do you know how you can tell if you're in a fucked-up situation? It's when a therapist listens to something and they might be duty bound to call the police if they suspect that there's a crime has been commited or they have reasonable suspicion to think that a crime will be commited in future, as per their code of conduct. That's how they work in the NHS anyway.

With something like an affair and many other marital problems, you could sit down and work through therapy without that being a possibility. With something like this though, they might have no choice but to take matters further but I think they would probably let you know first of they were going to do that. If I were a therapist, I wouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 08/04/2021 18:09

@Ninkanink

Flowers Flowers This must be absolutely devastating for you.

Wishing you strength.

Indeed. Especially the way he's groomed the OP to accept this. Just awful! You poor thing! Flowers
sadonfriday · 08/04/2021 18:10

He’s a sexy offender. It doesn’t matter if he bought you a gold Ferrari, he is what he is

Itlod1982 · 08/04/2021 18:11

From OPs follow up posts she has no intention of leaving him never mind going to the police?
There's no anger or rage at all and she's already justifying his actions.

IF it's real (suspicious timing after the documentary on bbc 3 last night) then he's obviously be brainwashing and grooming her for years as she's actually questioning if his behaviour is ok!!!!

Soontobe60 · 08/04/2021 18:12

He’s breaking the law. This would be the end of my marriage.
What an absolute bastard

Skyla2005 · 08/04/2021 18:13

Go to the police right away. Divorce him that is a gross violation surely you can not be with him after this please value yourself more you should t even be posting what to do it is blatantly clear get to the police now and have him done for it

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