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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He shared private pictures online

607 replies

feelingexposed · 08/04/2021 15:32

Hello, I am actually very embarrassed to post this but needed to know if its happened to others and get some advice.

My husband has been taking pictures of me in private for years, sometimes sneaky ones other times he asks me to let him. As you can imagine i am in various stages of dressed in them, usually not at all. I didnt like it but let it slide because I thought all hubbies do that kind of thing.

This was okay until last week, some stranger messaged me on FB and was saying pervy comments and then sent me a picture of myself, fully nude asleep. I flipped out big time and asked him where he got it. Apparently he got it on an image sharing site when men share pics of their wives. I blocked the person and rang my husband immediately. He was really panicked and told me the whole story.

For the past 2 years he has been sharing my pictures on forums and websites specifically for unaware wives, he says he really enjoys it and it helps him de-stress and get off. He then said he has never shared my details and gave me a fake name (as if that made it okay). We have been trying to have a child for a number of years now and he claims it helps him manage his EJs. He said he never meant to hurt me and he is really sorry i found out.

What on earth do I do now? hundreds of men have seen these pictures and I love my husband so its really hard to make any decisions or talk to him right now. AIBU or is this justified? he has never cheated or anything like that.

Help

OP posts:
TheWaif · 08/04/2021 17:16

Get all the proof you can. Don't tell him you're considering reporting it.

Insomnia5 · 08/04/2021 17:17

I can’t believe there are people who would actually accept this.

I can’t really imagine anything creepier than a man taking secret photos of his naked wife whilst she’s unconscious, and then posting them online for men to wank over. I wonder if he’s making any money from sharing your photos?

NiceTwin · 08/04/2021 17:17

Oh gosh, this is possibly the worst thing I have read on here.

What an utter low life!! I don't think it is something I could forgive. Has he been making money out of the images?

Sorry, I haven't RTFT but what is an EJ?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/04/2021 17:18

I didnt like it but let it slide because I thought all hubbies do that kind of thing

Truly awful.

glitterfarts · 08/04/2021 17:19

You are married to a pervert. A rapey one who gets off on sexual things against your consent.

He belongs in jail. Call the police.

OnlyTheLangOfTheTitberg · 08/04/2021 17:19

Assuming this is real, OP your husband hasn’t done “this one bad thing”.

Every single time he’s taken a photo of you without your consent, he’s done a series of bad things. Every individual photo is proof of him choosing to disrespect you, violate you, put you in danger, over and over again. For years, by your own admission.

I don’t think I’ve ever said this in seriousness before in my 13 or 14 years on MN, but...LTB.

parsnipsnotsprouts · 08/04/2021 17:20

Horrifying. Please listen to what people are telling you here

lolacola77 · 08/04/2021 17:21

This is horrific. Get as much proof as you can then go to the police. This is sexual abuse. Thank god you haven't already got children. Please leave!

MiddayMadDog · 08/04/2021 17:22

The disrespect for you here is appalling. It is a complete violation of you in the most intimate way. And a complete destruction of trust.

I just couldn't get past this.

Sakurami · 08/04/2021 17:22

I would go straight to the police. And without a shadow of a doubt I would leave him. I wouldn't be able to look at him again never mind stay with him.

Dervel · 08/04/2021 17:23

First of all you can spoof an IP address, and I sincerely hope he scrubbed EXIF data from any pictures he may have taken with a phone (it records the geo location data and allows people to see where the photo was taken). This could put you at very real physical risk OP.

Also beware the sunk cost fallacy, just because you have given this man 10 years of your life does not mean 1 second more is a wise investment those years are gone, there is no getting them back. He is a sex offender, pure and simple. For him to get to a place where he could do this to you he essentially views you as an object, and not a person. Sociopaths can be very skilled manipulators and it sounds like he has you right where he wants you in terms of lifestyle and the outward appearance your relationship puts to the world.

However something you posted stuck out, you articulated he took photos of you and you didn’t really like it. Either you didn’t feel comfortable with really addressing it with him or you did and he pushed the boundary anyway. I’m really really sorry OP, but he’s groomed you. I cannot stress this enough but do NOT have children with this man. He may be functional enough to project a bullshit “perfect relationship” to the world, but bringing children into this dynamic would be toxic, and please don’t fall into the trap of thinking you can protect any future offspring from the toxicity, because actually the damage done to you their mother WILL damage them.

I wish you strength and I am so so sorry about all this, no one deserves this.

Flappityflippers1 · 08/04/2021 17:23

Absolutely LTB territory - my DH would be out on his arse immediately if he ever did anything like that.

I don’t envy your relationship at all btw. I don’t think your friends and family would either if they knew.

Such a violation Sad

Itlod1982 · 08/04/2021 17:24

I would 100% go straight to police.

If for some absolutely crazy reason you stay with him, DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM!!!!

PatrickBatemann · 08/04/2021 17:24

I'm not one to usually say this, but i'd go to the police.

tuttifuckinfruity · 08/04/2021 17:24

What are "EJ's"?

Not that it makes any difference, really. This is awful.

Leavemealone2 · 08/04/2021 17:27

Oh my god this is awful. I couldn’t forgive this. And I would call the police!

Naunet · 08/04/2021 17:27

This is so wrong, I’d be disgusted with him and consider reporting him to the police. So fucking what if it helps him “de-stress”, you’re not his property. How dare he?

Deathgrip · 08/04/2021 17:27

In our 10 years together this is the only bad thing he has done, he has been perfect and loving in every other way. He keeps saying that the stress of not being able to conceive is what started this because he felt his "sperm was failing and somehow having other men cm for me helped".*

I absolutely GUARANTEE you that this isn’t the only thing he’s ever done, it’s just the one you know about (which you wouldn’t have done if that man hadn’t messaged you) and he’s emotionally manipulating you into feeling sorry for him when he has completely betrayed you and committed sexual crimes of which you are the victim.

I don't know what to do, apart from this one thing we have had a perfect live together to the envy of all our friends, I also really relay on him financial and he founded my masters. At no point has he ever thrown that in my face. I know what he did was really evil but I don't know if i can throw away 10 years and start again sad

Yes you fucking can OP. I did it, you can too. You say he takes sneaky photos of you - be honest with yourself about your sex life because in my experience you will have long been accepting things that you don’t want, and talking yourself into believing that you do want them or that all men do them.

But even if is the only thing, it’s one of the worst “only things” he could ever have done.

BullOx · 08/04/2021 17:32

In our 10 years together this is the only bad thing he has done...

That you’ve caught him out on.

Itlod1982 · 08/04/2021 17:32

You mentioned you weren't comfortable letting him take photos of you when he did it with your knowledge.

I think he's been grooming you for years!

What else does he expect you to do sexually that you just go along with even when you don't want to?

I don't know how he could even say that this was to do with his sperm and he thought that other men c*mming from looking at your pics would help. If he believes this he needs to be sectioned. However, I suspect he knows how ridiculous this is but is trying to come up with an excuse to get sympathy. Absolute BS

TakeYourFinalPosition · 08/04/2021 17:33

puts the viewers IP address as a watermark on the image to prevent resharing.

You can remove filters and watermarks from images in microseconds.

The fact is that someone who had been on a site that your husband posted naked photos of you on did find them. And they recognised you. So they were either obsessive enough to be constantly searching for you using images he’d put up, or you crossed paths somewhere with your new profile photo, and they recognised you.

The guy who messaged you won’t be the only person who recognises you... and not coming up on a selection of reverse image search sites means nothing at all.

He’s still massively downplaying what he’s done. It’s not fixable. It’s not controllable at all. You’ll never know who saw them, or hasn’t seen them, and it’d have likely impacted on your career in some areas, rightly or wrongly.

I know this is hurting, and I know you want to cling to some normality, but the absolute least he could do is stop trying to pull the wool over your eyes.

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/04/2021 17:33

I'm sorry op

He's also put you in danger of being stalked or worse
This is a massive invasion of privacy
And his excuses are bollocks
He's sorry you found out wow he gets better and better

pallisers · 08/04/2021 17:34

well if you stay with him, you'll never sleep easy again.

That perfect life you thought you had never existed - your husband was actually pimping you out without your knowledge and consent and putting you in danger.

But if it did exist, it is over now.

Happylittlethoughts · 08/04/2021 17:35

I could tell by your tone from the beginning you were not looking at this as others do from outside. You are desperate to move past or mitigate the worst effects of this issue to save your marriage/life you had from being destroyed. Your world could be destroyed and you dont want that, even above the reality of what has happened to you.
I could hear it in your voice.
As I said before though, the 99% of nice doesn't matter- the 1% of this man who perpetrated this crime on you is too awful.
Women(and men) live in marriages where they know there are huge problems like infidelity, emotional or physical abuse, rape, paedophilia and other horrors. I guess some can't see a way to being free, or find a way to make it acceptable to maintain their life.
I think you deserve better. I wish you did OP.

TheWaif · 08/04/2021 17:36

Yes, he's absolutely put you in danger of being stalked/raped. If people have found your Facebook that's a short step from finding your address.