I don’t want to lose my friend!!!!

[jxllison]

I had a fight a week ago and my friend had fallen out with me about it. I was out with her and another close friend and saw a girl I didn’t like. I was very drunk and approached the girl I didn’t like we exchanged some words and I ended up hitting her. I got another innocent girl involved. I am a completely different person when I am drunk and often I black out. I regret the situation so much and it’s not the type of person I want to be.

Before this happened we were having a really good time at the park, everyone was drinking and having fun. This isn’t the first time I’ve ruined a night out by getting too drunk and also I’ve had a fight before that the same friend has witnessed.
we spoke the next day, I was a mess and told her how sorry I was and that I didn’t want to fall out about it. She is one of my closest friends, we normally FaceTime everyday and speak about anything. We trust each-other strongly and laugh all the time about stupid things. She is one of my best friends and she’s a good friend at that.
When we spoke the next day I said ‘we are still friends right’ and she said she needs to think about it, she said ‘if I can’t go out drinking with you what’s the point of being friends’. We always say ‘love you’ at the end of our calls but she didn’t say it back, we joke about it all the time as I don’t let her leave until she says it, she sometimes doesn’t say it to wind me up but then she rings me back, this time she just didn’t say it and just said bye. It’s a little thing but it does mean a lot.
I just don’t want this friendship to end, I have always been there for her and been a good trustworthy friend, like I said we laugh all the time. She hasn’t messaged me since that FaceTime call, I messaged her to say happy Easter and we spoke briefly about a boy that messaged me, but she hasn’t reached out since she ignored my happy Easter message.
I also haven’t reached out to her as I don’t want to be needy and beg for a friendship. It would be a real shame for us to fall out. I know I fucked up and got black out drunk and embarrassed her in front of people, but I didn’t hurt her, she wasn’t friends with the girls involved either. I don’t want to be like that and start fights but she knew how awful I felt after and hasn’t contacted me since - I do feel a bit disappointed that she hasn’t messaged me... if any of my close friends got into a fight or got too drunk etc, I would still be there friend and support them? Yes it’s happened a few times but friends are supposed to stick by eachother aren’t they?
I feel like a lot of it comes down to her image and how I make her look, she cares a lot about being popular and liked. Maybe she doesn’t want me to be associated with me and that’s hard to deal with. People still like me I just have a few enemies right now.
I’ve beaten myself up a lot and cried constantly about what I did, I don’t want to play the victim and feel sorry for myself bcos I know I am massively in the wrong, but I just don’t need my friends to make me feel even worst.
I don’t know what to do, should I reach out to her and see how she feels about me? Or should I leave her to contact me?

We also work together and will be back to work on the 14th, I don’t think it’d be awkward as there’s a lot of people at work. But I want to know where I stand with her. I don’t know man.

*Your not you're

I think you've blown it for now OP.
Your unpredictability scares her.
Your violence scares her.
You black out? You could turn on her easily. You could do anything to jeopardise her safety, your safety.

She doesn't want to be a part of that anymore and you must respect that.

Stop drinking. Tell her you're stopping drinking. Prove it. If it takes months or even years, that's what you must do.

You sound hard work. Good nights out are few and far between and people so look forward to them. She must dread them with you around and if this pandemic has taught us anything, good times are to be cherished, not dreaded.

You are a liability. This is the truth, however hurtful it is for you to hear it.

Another week until a school starts...

I'd love to know where you went to get so drunk with your friends during lockdown.

I get you feel bad OP, you will feel better eventually.

But drunk people that blackout or get aggressive are literally the worst.

Drinking makes people think they are funny and hilarious and most the time they are bloody annoying. You have a problem with alcohol and at 21 you need to address it now before it becomes something that seriously affects your future relationships and ultimately your life.

Give up completely, realise you are not someone that can handle a couple of drinks and then stop. Alcohol is not that important. Friendships are far more worthwhile.

If you said you had quit drinking and won't drink again, do you think your friend would see there could be a future again for your friendship?

I used to constantly embarrass myself when out drinking OP. Because I’m an alcoholic. My life and relationships improved immeasurably when I got sober. Please give it some thought. There is so much relief in not constantly feeling ashamed and embarrassed about the way you have behaved.

Honestly op. I really wouldn't want to be associated with someone like you. I'd be afraid that people would think that I was like your or ok with your behaviour.I think I'd accept that this friendship is over..

Oh god @jxllison I just read your other thread and my heart's breaking for you. It's very very clear that you are one of those people that just can't and shouldn't drink. You're only 21 so you can definitely turn this around. Please talk to someone about your experiences when drinking and please get help not to drink.

Just to add, based on your other thread, you aren’t a slut or whatever else you’ve been called. You can have sex with whoever you like, but be safe, be responsible!

You know what, you're an adult and you need to start acting like one. You physically attack people when drunk? That is disgusting and that has to stop immediately. Stop thinking about the effect it has on your friend and what you think she thinks of you and how she likes to see herself.
OP the problem is you. Think about how the person you hit felt. And continues to feel. You're right about not wanting to make yourself out like the victim. Because you're not. The person you hurt is your victim. If anything, carry on the way you are and you'll eventually get taken down a peg by someone else and you won't enjoy it.
You're so young, get your shit together before you fuck up your freedom.
Take a long hard look at yourself, sober.
Your past actions are unacceptable. Your future actions are yours to choose. Make the right choice, for yourself.

I wouldn’t want to be friends either

I think you need to give your friend some space, op. It was clearly an intense night and however she feels about you now, she clearly doesn't want to deal with an emotionally intense fall out.

Give her space and see how things are when you return to work. You can ask if you can both talk about it once you've seen how she is with you, but don't lay all your guilt and emotions down at her feet, you'll push her away.

I wonder if you'd benefit from cbt/counselling? It seems to me that you would benefit from some help in learning how to better manage your emotions - both when alcohol is involved and when it isn't.

You need to take control of your behaviour because otherwise you might end up lashing out and there will be serious consequences.

Be honest with yourself and look at your relationship with alcohol and with other people.

Do you think you might have a problem with alcohol?
Do you offload a lot of emotion and problems on your friends? Could your friendships be a bit one sided?
How's your mental health?

I can’t help thinking that if your friend doesn’t see the point in a friendship where you can’t go out drinking, you need another friend.

I think that’s the hardest part, all your friends are linked to this way of socialising.

Find your nearest AA group, ask the organiser for some advice. I’ve no idea if meetings have been going ahead, but you need someone to show you a pathway through this mess.

Honestly, I’d go to the GP and tell them everything from the last thread, and this one, and ask them how to get help.

You will be dead in 10 years if you carry on like this.

@CirqueDeMorgue

Oh, so you're projecting. OP said she had a 'fight' which indicates there was violence on both sides.

Op also said she was the one who approached the other girl to yell at her because she didn't like her.
My moneys is on op doing all the aggressing and the other girl probably simply tried to defend herself. I wouldn't stand there prone if some drunk knobber came at me!

OP there's an alcohol section on here. There's also professional organisations like AA, SMART recovery or addiction services.

Perhaps you need to see your GP and be referred to counselling? How have you got on since then? I'd give your friend some space at present.

Love, I've been in a similar situation and it's awful. It feels like it 'wasn't you', but it was. I got through to my friends by explaining how fully I understood what I did was wrong, that I recognised the problem and was taking steps to handle it (I have a set number of drinks I'm allowed and then swap to soft drinks, they know the number and can call me out if I get another).

It took a lot of apologies, but mostly showing them that I have made decisions to never act in that way again - even if it was out of my control.

You are NOT a bad person. You are a person who did a shitty thing but who can limit the possibility of doing it again. It's OK. But make changes.

People have piled on you here and I know you were already feeling a lot of shame and guilt and didn't need that. But you can progress and move on. You just need a plan of action.

@CorianderBee

Love, I've been in a similar situation and it's awful. It feels like it 'wasn't you', but it was. I got through to my friends by explaining how fully I understood what I did was wrong, that I recognised the problem and was taking steps to handle it (I have a set number of drinks I'm allowed and then swap to soft drinks, they know the number and can call me out if I get another).

It took a lot of apologies, but mostly showing them that I have made decisions to never act in that way again - even if it was out of my control.

You are NOT a bad person. You are a person who did a shitty thing but who can limit the possibility of doing it again. It's OK. But make changes.

People have piled on you here and I know you were already feeling a lot of shame and guilt and didn't need that. But you can progress and move on. You just need a plan of action.

Thank you

I joined MN to reply to this thread. I have a 21 year old daughter, if she were behaving like this I would be seriously worried and heartbroken. I want to check you are ok. Why are you drinking so much at 21? What's going on with you. Are you safe at home? Are you in any danger? I'm really worried about you. Please respond lovely. Let's try and help you instead of making you feel worse. X

OP I think that you sound very different sober. I agree that you should get some support but making you feel worse probably isn’t the way to encourage that. Your friend saying that there is no point in being friends with you if you can’t go drinking means new friends may be in order.

OP, what are your options for having a bit of a new start?

Have you been to uni? Would it be a possibility for you to go?

It seems like you're a bit stuck with a friendship group that revolves around drinking and you unfortunately keep ending up unsafe and sometimes exploited, and then feeling horrible about yourself afterwards.

It might be good for you to get out of the area and give yourself a chance to make different sorts of friends? You would need to address the alcohol issue and get some counselling to help rebuild your self-worth, otherwise you're likely to repeat a pattern. You're only 21, you can be whoever you want to be.

You need to learn from your mistakes. Stop drinking, prove you can be a good friend sober. You could have been arrested for assault, lost your job etc. You need professional help. Have you spoken to your family fir help ?

You to stop drinking and get some new friends

Maybe she's fed up not being able to relax on a night out and having to clear up the mess afterwards and deal with the drama.

It sounds like you have a problem with alcohol of you can't just have a couple of drinks and go home. That needs addressing and you need to show her you recognise there's a problem and you're working on it before you can hope to heal your friendship.

Sounds to me like she was looking for an excuse to cut you off. You're only 21, you have a lot of growing up to do. I was a nightmare at 21. Use this as experience and move on

I would suggest leaving your friend alone. She sounds more mature so probably wants to distance herself from this behaviour.

Get yourself from help/someone to talk to about your behaviour.

Then maybe when you’ve got a better handle on your relationship with alcohol; you can work on rebuilding your relationships.

@Quaverscrisps thank you so much, I am safe and not in any danger. I didn’t think I had a drinking problem but I clearly do. I have a habit of taking things too far when I’m drunk and never know when to stop. I black out and go crazy. I definitely want to change my life and turn things around. I don’t really know why I drink so much, for some reason I feel like I need a drink to have fun when I go out, part of it is probably to with anxiety of some sort X