I don’t want to lose my friend!!!!

[jxllison]

I had a fight a week ago and my friend had fallen out with me about it. I was out with her and another close friend and saw a girl I didn’t like. I was very drunk and approached the girl I didn’t like we exchanged some words and I ended up hitting her. I got another innocent girl involved. I am a completely different person when I am drunk and often I black out. I regret the situation so much and it’s not the type of person I want to be.

Before this happened we were having a really good time at the park, everyone was drinking and having fun. This isn’t the first time I’ve ruined a night out by getting too drunk and also I’ve had a fight before that the same friend has witnessed.
we spoke the next day, I was a mess and told her how sorry I was and that I didn’t want to fall out about it. She is one of my closest friends, we normally FaceTime everyday and speak about anything. We trust each-other strongly and laugh all the time about stupid things. She is one of my best friends and she’s a good friend at that.
When we spoke the next day I said ‘we are still friends right’ and she said she needs to think about it, she said ‘if I can’t go out drinking with you what’s the point of being friends’. We always say ‘love you’ at the end of our calls but she didn’t say it back, we joke about it all the time as I don’t let her leave until she says it, she sometimes doesn’t say it to wind me up but then she rings me back, this time she just didn’t say it and just said bye. It’s a little thing but it does mean a lot.
I just don’t want this friendship to end, I have always been there for her and been a good trustworthy friend, like I said we laugh all the time. She hasn’t messaged me since that FaceTime call, I messaged her to say happy Easter and we spoke briefly about a boy that messaged me, but she hasn’t reached out since she ignored my happy Easter message.
I also haven’t reached out to her as I don’t want to be needy and beg for a friendship. It would be a real shame for us to fall out. I know I fucked up and got black out drunk and embarrassed her in front of people, but I didn’t hurt her, she wasn’t friends with the girls involved either. I don’t want to be like that and start fights but she knew how awful I felt after and hasn’t contacted me since - I do feel a bit disappointed that she hasn’t messaged me... if any of my close friends got into a fight or got too drunk etc, I would still be there friend and support them? Yes it’s happened a few times but friends are supposed to stick by eachother aren’t they?
I feel like a lot of it comes down to her image and how I make her look, she cares a lot about being popular and liked. Maybe she doesn’t want me to be associated with me and that’s hard to deal with. People still like me I just have a few enemies right now.
I’ve beaten myself up a lot and cried constantly about what I did, I don’t want to play the victim and feel sorry for myself bcos I know I am massively in the wrong, but I just don’t need my friends to make me feel even worst.
I don’t know what to do, should I reach out to her and see how she feels about me? Or should I leave her to contact me?

We also work together and will be back to work on the 14th, I don’t think it’d be awkward as there’s a lot of people at work. But I want to know where I stand with her. I don’t know man.

Quite surprised at the unsympathetic responses here. I've been where you are now OP, in my late teens & 20s - though I have never hit anyone! I have made myself ill, slept with people, fallen over, broken stuff, had drunken arguments with friends & strangers - all awful stuff no one wants from a night out. My reason to drink, when out with friends & at work functions, was crippling social anxiety. But once you start it's hard to read your body's signals to stop or slow down. It's a bit like overeating in that respect.

I do still drink but don't get drunk anymore. I have a limit I never cross. I have to alternate alcoholic drinks with soft drinks and I avoid drinks that can be consumed too quickly. I often volunteer to drive so I have an 'excuse' not to drink. I'll switch to soda water after I reach my limit.

It seems a bit contrary that your friends expect you to drink when you socialise but get angry when you lose control. I hope if you do decide to reduce your alcohol intake, or give it up altogether, they'd still welcome you and support you (assuming this breach isn't permanent).

I don't know if your friends will forgive you. I hope they do. But look at the bigger picture - you're doing something that is damaging you: both your health and your relationships. You should stop drinking. But stopping drinking is not easy. Drinking can be a huge part of our social interaction with others. People can be quick to criticise if you are an embarrassing drunk but also label you as boring to go out with if you don't drink.

There are dozens of books out there aimed at women who drink too much written by women who are where you are now. You are certainly not alone. The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober is meant to be a good one.

Good luck to you - I hope you turn this negative experience onto a positive change in your life.

Do you think that maybe losing this friendship, even if temporarily, might be a good thing for you? If you want to give up drinking you will need to avoid social situations that will put pressure on you to drink for a while. You could use this enforced break to work on getting your life back on track. Do you have any hobbies or interests to distract you from going out drinking? Use this as an opportunity to stop drinking.

You need to be strong and focus on becoming the person you want to be. You could end up in some really dire situations if you don’t stop drinking soon. You sound really lost, sad and angry but nobody can change that but you.

Download an app to help support you stopping - the Sober app for example and just take it one day at a time but start right now.

I feel sorry for you op. I behave strangely when I'm drunk too. I'm a nightmare. For that reason, I don't drink alcohol. I'm not addicted to it whatsoever. I just behave like a stupid person when I'm drunk. Your drinking is affecting your friendships and your life. You need to stop drinking alcohol. Give your friend some space, she was probably shocked and scared at your level of aggression and violence. If you do give up alcohol, tell your friend this. She'll probably be more forgiving if she knows you're taking precautions, to never behave like it again. If you do decide to carry on drinking, then don't complain about the consequences of your actions. It's never too late, to turn your life around. All the best op.

she said ‘if I can’t go out drinking with you what’s the point of being friends’

A real friend would be encouraging you to give up alcohol. She only wants a friendship with you if you can binge drink with her - time to get a new life with decent friends and no alcohol.

I’ve gone through alcohol problems and totally relate to the beer fear the next day and the shame that comes with it so here’s some .....

However......! Use this as a massive kick up your backside to wake you up!!
A good friend of ours was randomly punched in the face, just once, and it now in a coma for the past 2 years, he’ll never wake up and the person who did it will definitely be serving prison time.

You cannot carry on like this! Please sort yourself out and do not touch alcohol again, no matter how much the urge is , see the urge as pain that needs fixing inside you.

You repeatedly reference how sorry you are as though it absolves you of any blame or repercussions.

You need to change this mind set. Sorry changes nothing. The damage is done, who really cares how much you've cried or what kind of friend you are the rest of the time?

You assaulted a woman which is a criminal act. If I was her I would press charges. Loosing a good friend is the least of your worries.

@CirqueDeMorgue

She assaulted someone whilst drunk. That could have killed the other person or landed the OP in prison. How helpful is it to tell the OP anything other than she needs to stop drinking before someone gets seriously hurt or worse?

Ugh, here we go. Based on this response to me, anyone would think I had told OP to crack on and have another drink. Try harder, @TristantheTyrannosaurus.

For what? My brother was assaulted in such a way. By sheer luck he wasn't permanently brain damaged. But we're supposed to be asking the punk thug who did it if he's okay darling and what support we can provide to stop him being a violent drunk? Need to 'try harder' to be sympathetic to people who commit crimes that can result in someone's death or permanent injury because they get drunk? Right.

So PM here and ask if she's okay and support and all.

How's the person she assaulted? Wonder if she's okay.

Oh, so you're projecting. OP said she had a 'fight' which indicates there was violence on both sides.

@CirqueDeMorgue She actually says, I was out with her and another close friend and saw a girl I didn’t like. I was very drunk and approached the girl I didn’t like we exchanged some words and I ended up hitting her

@TheMayQueen

Are you the same person that posted that you apologised so should be forgiven?

You sound about 12 years old.

This. Haven't you started another thread already OP?

@CirqueDeMorgue

Oh, so you're projecting. OP said she had a 'fight' which indicates there was violence on both sides.

LOL. But you're not, assuming there was violence on both sides after she wrote 'I was out with her and another close friend and saw a girl I didn’t like. I was very drunk and approached the girl I didn’t like we exchanged some words and I ended up hitting her. I got another innocent girl involved.' But now it's a 'fight' that involved violence on both sides . And because everyone doesn't respond the way you think they should, they're projecting, awful people piling in, judgy, should be doing what you think is acceptable.

Again, go for it! Ask the OP if she's okay, what have you.

No one's a bad person for not doing so.

Another one here surprised when you said you was going back to work

I thought you was like 16 or something.

Grow up.

Why doesn’t your friend want to be friends with an aggressive alcoholic? Mmm.....let me think 🤔

OP, alcoholism is progressive.
It never gets better on it's own. You need to step back and know this and get help from AA or rehab.
You will be dead by the time you're 50 if you don't address it.
I'm so sorry, but I've seen this behaviour with alcohol and it just gets worse as you grow older.
I send you by best wishes for recovery. X

Blacking out is extreme and shocking and is not at at normal
It will be causing brain damage
Do you accept you have a problem with alcohol and need help ?

Addictions stop you from growing and developing so that could explain the v young out look here

@OP I’ve just read your thread from February. Please get help and support, this is no way to live

Just give her some space and leave her alone for now. If she comes back, she comes back, if not then you've lost her as a friend. This is the consequences of your actions and and you have to deal with that. She is entitled to decide not to be friends with someone who is potentially violent and shows her up in public. She won't want to be associated with you and that's fair enough. Stop drinking too. You're still young and you have time to turn things around and change your ways. I was not violent myself but I did stupid things at your age that I would not dream of doing now at 33 so I'll cut you some slack, but you have to take charge of your own lifestyle and change.

@jxllison you sound like you need some help with the drinking if you are different when you don't drink.

I'd find that very difficult If my friend did that;

As a side of tho drinking in the park is very immature anyway how old are you all? I remember drinking in the park as a 14-15 year old not as a grown woman.

The first step to getting on the right track is admitting there is a problem I'd speak to your local Alcoholics Anonymous group to get some support as they will understand this the best and once you start taking control you'll feel stronger to build bridges with people.

I hope you get things back on track tho x

You need to tackle this now OP, it's out of control.

You can't regulate your behaviour or manage your safety when you get blackout drunk.

Please at least start making some calls about this to get wheels in motion. See your GP to ask for help with your drinking - explain you are unable to regulate your intake yourself at the moment and want help, they can signpost you to services and as you're 21 there may be some programmes specifically for young people.

Today or tomorrow you could call these people and then let us know how you get on:

Drinkline, a free, confidential helpline for people who are concerned about their drinking, or someone else's. Call 0300 123 1110 (weekdays 9am–8pm, weekends 11am–4pm)

I'm sorry about what happened to you in February, you must stop putting yourself at risk of any further harm and you can't do that while you're drinking.

Don't wait for rock bottom.

Wow you both sound like teenagers. She wants to be popular and can't be your friend if you aren't able to go out drinking with her?! You get drunk in parks??
You need to get some help, and maybe some new friends who have other hobbies apart from getting drunk in a park

1- you need to get a handle on your drinking if you black out
2- I would never initiate a fight with anyone - even if I was black out drunk
3- you need to grow up, I honestly thought from your post you were 13/14 but then you mentioned work.
4- you sound like a nightmare, and a liability so I don’t blame her for not wanting to be your friend. I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror and grow up.

OP, I sympathise with you. You are young and trying to do right.

Alcohol (or too much of it) clearly doesn’t agree with you. And usually behaviour like this is deeply rooted. Maybe try and seek some counselling from a professional and focus on investing in yourself. There is not much you can do about your friend right now, and its definitely not okay to force a situation.

Work on you and be easy on yourself. We all make mistakes, and just need to learn from them.

I don't blame you're friend. You sound like hard work, I thought you were going to say you were about 15. Your behaviour is very immature. You need to stop drinking and grow up.