I don’t want to lose my friend!!!!

[jxllison]

I had a fight a week ago and my friend had fallen out with me about it. I was out with her and another close friend and saw a girl I didn’t like. I was very drunk and approached the girl I didn’t like we exchanged some words and I ended up hitting her. I got another innocent girl involved. I am a completely different person when I am drunk and often I black out. I regret the situation so much and it’s not the type of person I want to be.

Before this happened we were having a really good time at the park, everyone was drinking and having fun. This isn’t the first time I’ve ruined a night out by getting too drunk and also I’ve had a fight before that the same friend has witnessed.
we spoke the next day, I was a mess and told her how sorry I was and that I didn’t want to fall out about it. She is one of my closest friends, we normally FaceTime everyday and speak about anything. We trust each-other strongly and laugh all the time about stupid things. She is one of my best friends and she’s a good friend at that.
When we spoke the next day I said ‘we are still friends right’ and she said she needs to think about it, she said ‘if I can’t go out drinking with you what’s the point of being friends’. We always say ‘love you’ at the end of our calls but she didn’t say it back, we joke about it all the time as I don’t let her leave until she says it, she sometimes doesn’t say it to wind me up but then she rings me back, this time she just didn’t say it and just said bye. It’s a little thing but it does mean a lot.
I just don’t want this friendship to end, I have always been there for her and been a good trustworthy friend, like I said we laugh all the time. She hasn’t messaged me since that FaceTime call, I messaged her to say happy Easter and we spoke briefly about a boy that messaged me, but she hasn’t reached out since she ignored my happy Easter message.
I also haven’t reached out to her as I don’t want to be needy and beg for a friendship. It would be a real shame for us to fall out. I know I fucked up and got black out drunk and embarrassed her in front of people, but I didn’t hurt her, she wasn’t friends with the girls involved either. I don’t want to be like that and start fights but she knew how awful I felt after and hasn’t contacted me since - I do feel a bit disappointed that she hasn’t messaged me... if any of my close friends got into a fight or got too drunk etc, I would still be there friend and support them? Yes it’s happened a few times but friends are supposed to stick by eachother aren’t they?
I feel like a lot of it comes down to her image and how I make her look, she cares a lot about being popular and liked. Maybe she doesn’t want me to be associated with me and that’s hard to deal with. People still like me I just have a few enemies right now.
I’ve beaten myself up a lot and cried constantly about what I did, I don’t want to play the victim and feel sorry for myself bcos I know I am massively in the wrong, but I just don’t need my friends to make me feel even worst.
I don’t know what to do, should I reach out to her and see how she feels about me? Or should I leave her to contact me?

We also work together and will be back to work on the 14th, I don’t think it’d be awkward as there’s a lot of people at work. But I want to know where I stand with her. I don’t know man.

I suggest you give up drinking, it obviously makes you act like a twat.

Bloody hell what a lot of drama. Id cut you off too.

Advice for you: you're very young and have a lifetime ahead of you that can be as happy as you want. Or you can be an angry drunk with a criminal record and much reduced life options. So,
Stop drinking alcohol completely. It doesn't agree with you.
Find hobbies that don't revolve around alcohol and will lead you to meeting new friends.
Work in your fitness. Run, swim, cycle. Join a group to do it. Meet healthy friends.
Surround yourself with what you want to be.

OP - you’re way too casual about behaviour which is truly awful. There’s no self-reflection in your post. As PP said, if that’s how you behave when you drink, you have a problem with alcohol and you need to stop drinking. You’re trying to minimise but the fact that she didn’t know the people you attacked doesn’t make it okay.

No-one’s perfect and I, for one, have also made some pretty horrendous mistakes and had to pay some painful prices. And when you keep repeating the same serious mistake, the lessons become harder and more painful until you learn. So learn from this. Stop drinking. Do some work on yourself. If she sees you’re serious about never doing this again - and you don’t do it again - you may eventually get your friend back.

I think you need to respect her and give her, her space for a little while, maybe then after some time, I would send a message explaining how remorseful I felt and how much I miss/ love her etc, hopefully by then she will have calmed down and will have a clearer head.

However, in all honestly, I have been around people like you and they aren't fun to be around and you will seriously lose everyone if you carry on like acting like that.

I think your focus should be on yourself. Somehow in your post, you've made it out to seem as though your victim in this and you really aren't. Please allow the feelings your feeling right now (embarrassment and sadness) to change you into a better person who can deal with their emotions maturely.

OP, it's clear from your other thread where you describe getting drunk and having sex with someone in a car, and having the film of you being circulated that you have a real problem with alcohol that you need to address. The violence, falling out with friends, having sex when you're too drunk to consent, is all a by-product of alcohol abuse.

Other people may be able to suggest other places to start addressing this, but your GP might be a first port of call.

TLDR

Can’t control drinking or behaviour, fucks shit up, people rightly want to distance. If it’s real. HTH.

OP - you are getting a bit of a kicking here because I think most people are stunned that adults get themselves so drunk that they get into fights.
Park drinking is also not the norm for adults so I think you are probably quite young with no responsibilities ?
So - going out and enjoying yourself is one thing but, for your health you need to think about how you can stop drinking to excess like this. You know that alcohol can have this effect on you and has an impact.
Also - If your friend doesn’t want to be a friend because she ‘cannot go out drinking with you ‘ she’s not much of a friend to be honest. As a friend I’d want to help you get support. Again that makes me wonder if you are all quite young.
Use this as an opportunity to get some help - maybe from your GP and maybe think about how your friends are influencing your lifestyle - and if that’s what you want.

Let me give you your friends, perspective. I've been her.

I know this girl and we are friends. When I first met her, I thought she was really fun, kind and easygoing. However, as time has gone on, I have realised she is very immature, unpredictable, aggressive, controlling (she makes me say 'love you' before allowing me to end a call) and I'm pretty sure she has a drinking problem.

She has on more than one occasion assaulted someone while drunk or under the influence and I am terrified of getting caught up in her drama.

The thing is, she's a nice enough girl but I feel she is very needy and dependant on me and almost like I have to parent her when we are out anywhere.

My instinct is telling me to pull back and dial down the friendship. I feel relieved when I don't have to deal with her.

How does that read OP ^^?

You have to stop drinking. Drinking in the park is what kids do, you're not a kid any more. Start thinking about ways to reduce your aggression. If you need to do yoga or meditation, try that.

What else do you have in your life beyond drinking and fighting? You have a job, and friends, so find a hobby or something to keep you occupied.

Obviously the only thing you can do is get drunk and beat her up until she agrees to be your friend again.

OP, no one here is going to make you 'feel better'. Advice is given in your best interest, not based on what you want to hear.

Your behaviour is not you as a person, this means you have the ability to change your behaviour.
You're 21, not 14 - time to stop the drinking for a start and start addressing your issues for YOU, not because you're clinging on to a friendship that is a one way street.

You’re conflating not knowing how to change and not wanting to change. How sincere is an apology if the behaviour that warranted it doesn’t change? Your anger is misplaced.

From reading this and your other posts, it's obvious you have a drinking problem.
You're young and have your whole life ahead of you.
You need to stop drinking now and work on your self esteem. You'll lose everyone and everything if you carry on down this path.

I would go and see your GP op. You are on a serious path to self destruction both physically and emotionally. And the fact that some of these incidents are being recorded as well is a serious problem. It needs to end here. Get on to an alcohol programme, join a support group, start working on yourself. You may have lost this friend, but it seems to me you're in great danger of losing a lot more than that. Your health, your dignity, your self respect. Getting in to a fight with someone and hitting them, have you thought about that from the other person's perspective? Do they deserve to be hit because you don't like them? I would take this opportunity to start working on yourself, sort out the alcohol, get some counselling and start learning about yourself and how to change things. Look at what you want to do with your life. Do something good. Start working on that now.

@Erkrie’s advice is spot on. Please follow it.

Your problem is your relationship with alcohol. You sound like someone who has really bad boundaries with drinking. Drinking only to get drunk. Not knowing when to stop. Ending up extremely drunk regularly and placing yourself in dangerous situations.

No one enjoys having to carry their drunk friend home especially if she gets confrontational and violent when drunk.

You will continue to lose friends, especially as everyone gets older and grows up.

Do you want to be 30 and still drinking to this extent? Feeling the fear the next morning, not sure what you have done or said.

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be friends with you any more. Not just about how you’d make me look but you’re a liability ... you’re friend probably doesn’t want to take the risk of getting dragged into things and even arrested.
You need to take stock, admit you have a problem with alcohol and sort your life out. Sorry to be so blunt but you’re obviously not able to take subtle hints.
Good luck OP... I truly wish you well

Oh OP, I've just read your other thread from Feb .
Do you still live at home with parents?

Can you talk to your mum? or siblings?
You need to stop drinking, your life will improve dramatically without it. If you can't do it alone, go to your GP. You can't carry on like this.

Oh, dear. I'd cut you loose, too, even back when I was 21. Anyone who's a violent drunk should never, ever drink. How embarrassing and potentially very dangerous.

I mean this gently, but you have to take accountabily for your actions and seek help for your alcohol abuse.

I had a friend who didn't know her limits, constantly drank in access and behaved foolishly and recklessly. At the beginning, she had a large friendship group, but it became clear the more we (to our detrement) parented her, picked up the pieces and consoled her, the more we were actually enabling her dangerous behaviour to continue. It also took a lot out of us emotionally, physically and financially. One by one, we it became she wasn't going to change, we dropped off (increasing the emotional load on those who remained) until finally she was left with no one.

I fully sympathise with how hard it must be for you to have lost your friend, I seen how hard it was for my friend to lose us. But you cant expect to continue this behaviour, refuse to change, while dragging everyone else around you down. No one can help you until you help yourself. You need to admit you have a problem, and seek appropriate help. You may find that your friend returns once you are accountable for your behaviour and begin to take responsibility for yourself.

@jxllison

I don’t know I just wanted some advice, sorry

When stopping drinking is suggested, how do you feel?

Do you have an instant can't do that, don't want to, how will I have fun, all my friends drink sort of reaction?

Both you and your friend seem to think that having fun = going out drinking. Yes, you have behaved badly and the only way to change that is by changing your drinking. She seems to think that there's no point in having a friend that you can't drink with, so I guess drinking seems to be the main social activity for your group. You can have social interactions without drink, you can have friendships that don't focus on drinking, you can make these changes for yourself and move past this. Realising you have a problem is the first step.

I wouldn’t want to be friends with you either.
You can’t handle your drink, become a liability and a violent thug! She’s probably worried she’ll end up getting a punch next. Leave her alone.

Sorry OP, it can’t be easy to hear but your behaviour is not normal or acceptable and you do have an alcohol problem. Like others I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who behaved like this. Your friend sounds like she’s reached the end of her tether. You need to stop drinking. Go to your GP. You may need extra help and support to do it but if you carry on down this road you’ll really mess up your life.

@jxllison

I’m 21, I know I need to grow up I just don’t know how, I want to though.

At 21, being friends with someone who hit someone just wouldn't be in my radar.

I can see a long history of a very real friendship where you really rely on each other - asking for forgiveness for one bad thing, meh, i might forgive.

But at 21, you can't have a history of adult friendship so why would anyone forgive?

We - and your age in particular - are living through appalling times. I understand why you are drinking. But firstly you need to stop and secondly you need to ask if your real personality comes out after a few drinks.