I don’t want to lose my friend!!!!

[jxllison]

I had a fight a week ago and my friend had fallen out with me about it. I was out with her and another close friend and saw a girl I didn’t like. I was very drunk and approached the girl I didn’t like we exchanged some words and I ended up hitting her. I got another innocent girl involved. I am a completely different person when I am drunk and often I black out. I regret the situation so much and it’s not the type of person I want to be.

Before this happened we were having a really good time at the park, everyone was drinking and having fun. This isn’t the first time I’ve ruined a night out by getting too drunk and also I’ve had a fight before that the same friend has witnessed.
we spoke the next day, I was a mess and told her how sorry I was and that I didn’t want to fall out about it. She is one of my closest friends, we normally FaceTime everyday and speak about anything. We trust each-other strongly and laugh all the time about stupid things. She is one of my best friends and she’s a good friend at that.
When we spoke the next day I said ‘we are still friends right’ and she said she needs to think about it, she said ‘if I can’t go out drinking with you what’s the point of being friends’. We always say ‘love you’ at the end of our calls but she didn’t say it back, we joke about it all the time as I don’t let her leave until she says it, she sometimes doesn’t say it to wind me up but then she rings me back, this time she just didn’t say it and just said bye. It’s a little thing but it does mean a lot.
I just don’t want this friendship to end, I have always been there for her and been a good trustworthy friend, like I said we laugh all the time. She hasn’t messaged me since that FaceTime call, I messaged her to say happy Easter and we spoke briefly about a boy that messaged me, but she hasn’t reached out since she ignored my happy Easter message.
I also haven’t reached out to her as I don’t want to be needy and beg for a friendship. It would be a real shame for us to fall out. I know I fucked up and got black out drunk and embarrassed her in front of people, but I didn’t hurt her, she wasn’t friends with the girls involved either. I don’t want to be like that and start fights but she knew how awful I felt after and hasn’t contacted me since - I do feel a bit disappointed that she hasn’t messaged me... if any of my close friends got into a fight or got too drunk etc, I would still be there friend and support them? Yes it’s happened a few times but friends are supposed to stick by eachother aren’t they?
I feel like a lot of it comes down to her image and how I make her look, she cares a lot about being popular and liked. Maybe she doesn’t want me to be associated with me and that’s hard to deal with. People still like me I just have a few enemies right now.
I’ve beaten myself up a lot and cried constantly about what I did, I don’t want to play the victim and feel sorry for myself bcos I know I am massively in the wrong, but I just don’t need my friends to make me feel even worst.
I don’t know what to do, should I reach out to her and see how she feels about me? Or should I leave her to contact me?

We also work together and will be back to work on the 14th, I don’t think it’d be awkward as there’s a lot of people at work. But I want to know where I stand with her. I don’t know man.

You were drinking in the park at 21? Well start there. Stop doing that. Do something else. You’re not 15! Come on. People you’re age have kids are at Uni, travelling (non Covid times) and you’re wasting your life getting pissed in the park!! What are you doing? Don’t you want a better life than this. You’re fighting and losing friends. You’re a mess. You can do better. You should want better for yourself. Start making plans for your life. Go to college or university and learn something.

You sound very immature. Drinking in the park? seriously grow up and sort yourself out

If drinking is causing issues with your work, friend, family or relationships, it's time to get help. If you keep on with this behaviour two things will happen 1) You will end up arrested and with a criminal record.2) Invitations to things like nights out or meet ups will cease. This will lead to a lonely existence. Please seek advice from your GP or do an online search for the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and see what they can advise. Good luck.

Well, it's stupid, immature behaviour but you are young and no one here knows how you got to this point. Unless you are pretty much perfect or, don't bother posting on MN for help.

I assumed that you were 13 years old! I was going to warn you, that assaulting someone when you're an adult may have drastic ramifications to you and your life, if you are convicted. Given what you have said, you might want to be ready for the knock on the door by the police.

Sorry for the tough love but there is no point in gently sugar coating things.

You need to get your shit together and grow up. Drinking in the park during the day to the point of being black out drunk, getting into fights, having lots of enemies? I don’t know many people who would want to be associated with that shit even at 21.

Stop focusing on your friend and use this as a wake up call. Unless you want to be like this your whole life? Get some counselling to try and get some insight into your behaviour. Maybe you need a new friendship group that doesn’t encourage you to drink in parks.

I hasten to add that I had a friend who is a recovering alcoholic, they decided to get help after waking up in a police cell with no idea why they were there. Another friend who was in the same situation died from health issues due to alcoholism in his 30s.

@CirqueDeMorgue

Well, it's stupid, immature behaviour but you are young and no one here knows how you got to this point. Unless you are pretty much perfect or, don't bother posting on MN for help.

She assaulted someone whilst drunk. That could have killed the other person or landed the OP in prison. How helpful is it to tell the OP anything other than she needs to stop drinking before someone gets seriously hurt or worse?

I remember one time at that age I took up a temp gig at an office. The boss invited me to come with the rest of them out for after works drinks. She got so slaughtered she started a couple of fights. I didn't go back to that assignment and told them why. Scared the hell out of me.

You actually hit someone, because you didn’t like her? That’s just not normal behaviour.

21 years old and going around drinking in parks being aggressive and intimating to the point you smacked someone, you sound like a right thug. I had a baby and was running a house at that age. Your more than responsible for your actions I'd be giving you a wide berth I'm not surprised your friend wants nothing to do with you.

I don't think the drinking in the park is the issue so much as the OP's drinking problem. Lots of adults are meeting in the park for a couple of drinks atm because of lockdown.

if any of my close friends got into a fight or got too drunk etc, I would still be there friend and support them? Yes it’s happened a few times but friends are supposed to stick by eachother aren’t they

If one of my friends got into a fight ONCE I'd be shocked but could put it down to a lapse of judgement. If it happened twice I'd be questioning our friendship. If it was a habit - then yes I'd walk away.

Who wants to go out with someone who behaves like that. You'd spend the whole night wondering if the night was going to end up in another fight.

I think you seriously need to think about your relationship with alcohol. It doesn't sound good at all. Why not give up drinking for a few months.

You know you drink too much, you know what the consequences are for people around you. Physically attacking people is a crime. You might kill or maim someone for life. Any friend with you might get hurt or involved or implicated.

Sooner or later you will get charged with assault, appear in court. Violent assaults stay on criminal records for life and can seriously affect employment, tenancy, etc.

Your friend decided to protect herself by keeping away from your dangerous criminal behaviour. She took control of her own life.

It's time you did the same.

I had a friend who would pull this sort of crap all the time nothing but drama when she drank i cut her off that was years ago shes now an alcoholic everyone avoids its so sad but I'm so glad I did cut her off . definitely try and get help for your drinking your friend falling out with you is the least of your problems.

'I am a completely different person when drunk and often black out'

May alcoholics say this. They can be the loveliest of people, but one drink they cannot stop & they become different people. What does alcohol bring to your life? It has taken your friend, money in time will take your health possibly your freedom.

I would stop drinking, it doesn't agree with you.

You seem so blasé about the horrendous things you’re doing. You’re a grown woman getting pissed in parks and attacking people, and all you’re worried about is the friend you’ve upset by your diabolical behaviour?

PP’s are right, you’ve not learned from any of your mistakes. It’s good you’re giving her space now, if she chooses to cut you off then you need to respect that. Your behaviour was so wildly far from normal that it would be difficult to remain friends if you’re not changing your ways.

There is a lot of help for alcohol issues - not just alcoholism. And for what it’s worth, anyone that claims they can only be your friend if they can drink with you is not worth having as a friend.

On top of that, you sound a bit dependent on this friend and her affection. She doesn’t define your self worth, you do. Don’t change for her, do it for yourself.

Tbf if she doesnt want to support you in giving up drinking then she really is not your friend anyway. She is only hanging with you for fun. She has no loyalty to you. And it sounds like she may have a drinking problem herself.

I would recommend looking into a twelve step programme. Also, having a jar and putting any money you would have spent on drink in there and seeing how much is in it after a month or so. Then treat yourself to something nice (non booze related).

If you had got arrested for assaulting that woman, which may still happen btw, you would lose your job and perhaps even go to prison. I think the friendship should be the least of your worries right now. You could gave really, really fucked your life up.

Tbh,you should probably completely move away from the area and have a fresh start somewhere else. Entirely booze free.

It's clear you cant handle drink, it does bad things to you. So become a non drinker.

why on earth are you drinking so much and attacking people. That would be so unsettling. Most people just want to chill and have fun.
Have you always been like this? How come you get violent? is that what youve grown up doing?

You aren’t in a position to work on your friendships right now. You need to focus on yourself. You are headed down a path that is probably going to land you in prison at some point.

You need to stop drinking. Completely. Knock it on the head and just don’t drink at all. It doesn’t agree with some people.

You’ve said yourself you’re a completely different person when you’re not drunk so remove it from the equation. You can still go and do the same stuff as your friends, just without the drinking.

She assaulted someone whilst drunk. That could have killed the other person or landed the OP in prison. How helpful is it to tell the OP anything other than she needs to stop drinking before someone gets seriously hurt or worse?

Ugh, here we go. Based on this response to me, anyone would think I had told OP to crack on and have another drink. Try harder, @TristantheTyrannosaurus.

You have a significant issue with alcohol. You are controlling for attention in your friendship. You have displayed aggressive behaviour. You have self-proclaimed enemies. You have displayed and condoned violent behaviour.

If I had been your friend, I also would have stepped back and let you know that the friendship was done.

I strongly suggest to read the comments, and take onboard the feedback. This is not a normal way to live. Rather than focus on this friendship, focus on yourself. Talk to your GP, have a think about AA.

It sounds like you are greatly at risk at making a choice which will irrevocably damage your life. This type of out of control drinking is not only damaging your body but also is leading is poor life decisions. The aggressive and violent behaviour is completely unacceptable - if this continues or escalates be prepared to be charges by police for assault.

Also, OP has 70 odd posts giving her the facts - she has a drink problem. No one is bothering to ask if she's OK, basically. Just the standard judging away.