Partner old before his time

[Trustisamust]

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

I meant to say 'grieve for the romantic relationship you lost', it is a form of grief and loss and even those who really really 'lurve' their partners also have this, it would be weird to have a sexually great and romantic relationship full of possibilities, then have that taken away, and not even notice and be just fine with cuddling up on the sofa for the next 40 years.

@Redjumper1 Lots of "significantly disabled" people work ft. As much as he would love to reduce his hours as his back is horrendous after a full day at work, we are not in a financial position to take that option.

@OnwardsAndSideways1 That is exactly how we feel. That side of our relationship was important to us both and something we both really appreciated in our relationship. Even throughout my pregnancy it didn't dwindle which was fab.

Awful situation for you all but it does sound like you’re not fully committed to this man in a ‘better or worse’ kind of scenario. I feel sorry for him but if that’s how you feel you can’t help that.

@Trustisamust

Maybe you didn't mean it but it came across that way.
I understand this is a difficult situation to be in and you must be exhausted with the kids. Is there anyone who can take them for an afternoon while you have a heart to heart with dp?
If he's not doing his exercises sounds like he is depressed and possibly needing medication, perhaps you can both attend counselling together?
I think it's too early to be rushing into decisions right now though, I would give it some time maybe six months a lot can change.
It sounds to me that both of you are needing support right now and PND can also cause emotional problems which maybe be why you are feeling a bit detached.

You are trying to make decisions too soon imo.

You’ve just had a baby and 10 months on, many people still haven’t fully adjusted to that.
Your DP has now a life changing illness. Again this is monumental and takes time to adjust.

Saying that the relationship is dead in those circumstances wo trying to at least see if there is a compromise is sad imo..
The feeling that your life like you knew it has ended is normal. Because it has. YOU need counselling around that. And you need to talk with your DP on what life will be.

Atm it feels like you have given up because it looks easier than looking at life ahead together

Yes I think we should try to access counselling. I know the waiting lists are very long but at least we should try to get our names down. I will speak to him about it. I think it would really help us.

@HeraInTheHereAndNow I'd love to reduce my hours but we can't afford that. I'll just have to cope I guess.
Nobody that can help on a practical level except my mum and she is already having the baby while I work until the summer hols so that is a big ask of her as is. I am very grateful to her.

I really think you need to find professional help, OP. I would go to the doctor to get on a list for counselling, whether your DP will come as well or not. You could have PND or PTSD, we can't have any real idea from you posting on a forum. You need support. And contact a spinal injury association or, if it's cauda equina, one of the specific associations. Part of their remit is supporting family members. I think you'll get a better response than here.

Could you go to your mum's overnight now and then to get some better rest? Or other family who could babysit for a few hours so you can rest? And talk to your partner. Plan next steps together. Re finances, do you have debts? If so, get in touch with StepChange, see if they can help. Otherwise, try the Money Advice Service.

You have so much that has happened to you. You thought your life was going in one direction and then it turned into a nightmare. Despite some of the PPs, it's OK and it's NORMAL to be frightened, panicked and desperate.

And I have a syndrome that may well lead to greater disability and I am terrified of DH having to look after me. No judgment from me.

@someonelockthefridgealready Thank you for your supportive words. As good as mum is she won't have the baby overnight as she is a nightmare sleeper (baby, not my mum!) The only other family we have nearby (outside of lockdown) is my brother but he can't help as he is autistic.
You're right - more sleep would really help me (I'm also an insomniac as it is due to all of the stress) but it's just not possible for me to get one!

OP, if you're the poster I think you are, then this man has supported you through an awful lot, and it now sounds like he needs you to support him. There's been loads of specific advice if he's got the condition PP have referred to, and the covid situation added to all of the rest of your circumstances has probably really not helped because I can imagine you've felt isolated in a pandemic with a newborn. Time and talking might help, you sound very sorry for yourself which is understandable but there are loads of positives and you've had some great advice. Of course, if this is actually about you not loving him anymore, then there's not a lot to be done, but if you love him and are determined to stay together then I'm sure there are ways to do that and be happy.

@MiddleAgedLurker Thank you too x

I feel for you both! You both have a lot to cope with and will be in the early stages of adapting to a different and unexpected situation. Your partner will also still be recovering from major surgery as it sounds like it’s still only a few months since the first surgery. And you both had the additional life change of a young child.
It takes a while to adapt to disability within a family. There will be ways of getting some aspects of your lives back. Counselling or talking to others in a similar situation should help.

You clearly have little grasp of how an illness can damage a relationship on so many different levels

You clearly have little grasp of the way that when you actually truly love someone, you get through it You haven't even tried, it's been about five minutes.
You want to leave him and you are looking for validation to do so. You're not going to find it, but you don't need it. You don't love him enough to even try to find a way to move forward, so leave.

You have my full sympathy OP, I'm in a similar situation but I'm a lot older.

Only advice I'd give is not to give up on your sex life. Usual penetrative sex might be impossible, but drop your inhibitions (if you have any), do some Googling and be creative. There are some very innovative products out there. Which arrive in plain packaging

Oh and get a babysitter and find a £29 premier inn.

Another one here, advising you to take your time.
You've been through a lot of massive, life-changing events very quickly. You are knackered, on no sleep (not helpful) and trying to do everything.

Give yourselves time to grieve and adjust.
More importantly, talk to each other!

I don't think you would be a bitch if you left; few of us sign up to be a carer for 20+ years, especially if the intimacy is gone. However, I would explore ALL the options before that one. Is there any way either of you can increase your income in the future, to afford part-time hours? Can you get PIP as that could pay for a cleaner? Find out from dedicated groups for his condition what other people have done.

OP this sounds awful for you both.

However, it does sound like you want out of this relationship as a direct result of him becoming unwell. It doesn't matter who you are with, there is always the chance that something will happen like this. People get ill, people develop conditions. It sounds like you want to move on from him and have already done so emotionally.

If you do love him, you will have to find a way to readjust. If not, then I guess you'll move on.

@Rukaya Do you have a lot of experience of a similar situation?
Do you believe it is always that you should stay together regardless of anything?

Wow. Poor bloke.

On the financial side, definitely apply for PIP and any help available to him, if you private rent, also apply to your local council for housing as having a disability gives you a good shiny up the queue and would give you security regards a home, especially if he ends up unable to work.

It's easy for others to judge and you can't fully understand someone's relationship from one post on here.

I think although you said it's a chronic condition for life it doesn't mean that he won't get better adapted to it. And with that intimacy will return. It's hard enough with the baby but especially with the medical condition at the same time.

I think counselling is a good idea. Also communicate better with him to show that you're missing the intimacy and want to work at it - if you decide that's what you want.

You need to decide whether or not you genuinely love him enough to stay with him or whether you were just in the relationship for the good times.

If you were less than keen to marry him then why did you have a child with him?

@Trustisamust do you love your OH to try to work through this with him? As a team? It hasn't been very long.

Do you have a lot of experience of a similar situation?

Yes.

Do you believe it is always that you should stay together regardless of anything?

Of course not, There are a million reasons why a couple should split. But about 5 minutes after having a baby and one partner becoming ill/disabled is not one of them. "old before his time"...that's so cold and unfeeling.

This situation sucks for you. We get that. And maybe in time the best thing might be to part. But you haven't even tried at all, you have clearly checked out already...you don't want him as he is, you don't love him very much. So own it and do as you please.