Partner old before his time

[Trustisamust]

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

I feel sorry for the poor bloke. I know that if my DH became ill I would be so sad for him and I would do everything to help him. Also I know that my DC would disown me if I didn't. But then we have been together for 28 years and I knew when we got married and had DC that this was my lot in sickness and in health.

I also agree about the menopause thing. I am 50 and a very young one. However, around 45 my sex drive disapaited. It is just not important to me. What is important to me is my DH, family and the people I care about. Coronavirus has made me see that I will do anything to keep my DH and family healthy and safe.

I'm sorry for your situation. It sounds hard. The thing is though, that is what having a partner is about. It is about having someone to be there for you. You aren't being there for him and although I sympathise with your situation I know for a fact that I wouldn't hurt my DH or DC by dumping a sick DH like a hot potato.

[quote Trustisamust]@HaveringWavering You can have sex without being in a relationship? Many people choose that option for many different reasons.[/quote]
With three kids at home? Good luck with that.

OP, I am a full time carer for my husband and I am not going to lie, it is hard - and that's without having young children thrown into the mix.

BUT is not all doom and gloom either (I think some posters think disability=lifelong misery. It really, really doesn't. Many of the issues that make life difficult for disabled people lie in the attitudes of others and society as a whole, but that's a entirely different subject!) We have great times together, do almost all the things that other couples do - there's just a bit more planning involved at times.

Just because it has worked for us, doesn't mean that it works for everyone, though - we are all different. @TheEmperorIsNaked has given the best advice. Go for couselling on your own and decide what you want to do. I think if you are going to leave you should do it sooner rather than later. To string it out would be very unfair on your partner.

In the meantime, get your partner to apply for PIP. It's not an easy benefit to get, so you/he may need to be persistant.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

@DeathToCovid Thanks for understanding. An open relationship is something he definitely wouldn't consider and I'm not sure I'd be OK with that either. He's far more of a traditionalist that I am.

@HaveringWavering i only have one child at home for half of the time.

And I also didn't say it was for me?

[quote Trustisamust]@HaveringWavering i only have one child at home for half of the time.[/quote]
The baby is with you full time isn’t she?

Look, if you see your future life as involving Tinder hookups when your kids are with their Dads then go for it. Seems a bit soulless though.

I posted further up but just wanted to reiterate that PIP is not means tested so working full time will not mean he can't claim. It makes a massive difference to help with the additional costs a disability can bring.

Sorry you've had so many unhelpful responses. Your partner becoming disabled at the same time as having a new baby, all during a global pandemic... You've had a tough time and have lots to think about and definitely don't need guilt trips from strangers on the internet!

@HaveringWavering Well as you say, who would possibly want a woman with three kids (two of whom are adults before too long?!!) Let's condemn everyone with children to a life without future relationships!

What a hard situation you are in. There is so much to take in and process, for the both of you. Lots of good advice here, please take time to work through all your feelings.

Ok so you are now saying in your recent posts that you don't want a relationship and are actually looking for no strings attached sex.
Who on earth with 3 kids including a young baby has this on their minds?
Op I think you need to consider whether it's really the sex that is bothering you or if you just don't love this person.
Not sure why you made a commitment in the first place...

@LopsidedWombat Thank you, PIP would really help but I know it is (quite fairly) only that you qualify at a high threshold.
My brother gets it but he is autistic so unable to work.
I will definitely look into it.

Wow

@BountyIsUnderrated Again, I didn't say that. A poster suggested you had to be in a relationship to have sex which is not of course the case. I didn't say that option was necessarily for me.
For the record, however... half of my life I only have the baby with me and my other two children are much older and self-sufficient.

OP ignore the people trying to shame you into a sacrificed life because it is your duty to put yourself last in life and to 'be kind'. It doesn't really matter why something terrible has happened or whether it was anyone's fault. The only thing matters in terms of your decision making is how signficant the impact of this is on you. If you find it unendurable, then you won't endure it will you? That will effect your mental health, your daughter's mental health, and if your partner is a normal decent human being, it will devastate him to see the impact his illness has had on your life now. Everyone loses. You can't live a life just existing if you have other options.

I say the same to everyone, to people living with abusive men who they feel sorry for due to their terrible childhoods, or people in your situation. It doesn't matter why your partner is like that. All that matters is the impact it has on you. Because that is what affects your life and you're ability to cope.

It is easy for people to judge when they have never been in that situation. Mine wasn't exactly the same, but in my twenties my then partner suffered a life changing condition and I had to accept that we would never have the kind of life I wanted. I would have been committed to a life of caring for him in addition to any children we might have had. I ended up leaving and felt like the worst human being ever. I am now married to another lovely man and have 2 kids and don't regret it for a minute.

You are kind of in the thick of it just now though I think OP - new baby, adjusting to your partner's condition, global pandemic. It might be that given time to adjust and as the baby gets older you are able to reconnect and still find a way of being happy together. Having a child together definitely changes things.

[quote Trustisamust]@HaveringWavering Well as you say, who would possibly want a woman with three kids (two of whom are adults before too long?!!) Let's condemn everyone with children to a life without future relationships![/quote]
I did not say that. I said that a woman with three kids would find it hard to go out and have casual sex. I meant logistically- finding childcare, keeping the activity secret from the children etc.

I did not mean that nobody would be willing to have sex with a woman who has 3 children. Random hookups will not give a shit about your family setup.

It can't have been true love if you'd leave him over his health. Either that or you can't be a particularly nice person. Wow...

The dc that are with you half the week, are they helping at all? As much as dc shouldn’t be like servants and neglecting schoolwork surely they can help a little? DS has 1 a chore every day on a list. Today it’s hoovering the whole house and sometimes it’s just a little thing like brushing the cat.

I really feel for you OP. I have trodden this path and many of the posts on here are completely not understanding of what it's like to move from full equal partner to basically caring for someone who becomes dependant. It does kill intimacy and romance for sure, and just saying to someone aged 40 - why are you so obsessed by sex, is extremely horrible. I have been that 45 year old lying in bed knowing I will never ever be able to have sex again with my lovely husband and it's pretty devastating actually, and not at all the same as when you go off it a bit after childbirth or the menopause, knowing you can pick it up at any time in the future.

@TheEmperorIsNaked has some great insightful advice from someone who has trodden the path.

@Bluntness100 I also agree with Bluntness that a year after giving birth might not be the best time to make decisions

There's a lot that can shift here, your tiredness, your child will start nursery or school, your partner may get better at managing or new treatments, you may regain some intimacy (not PIV sex probably, would Viagra work?), you may start to like the companionship, you may enjoy boxed sets rather than a night out...

I don't think you are wrong, though, to come on here and basically give for the romantic relationship you have lost. It is pretty gutting to have this taken away from you, I know, and I know others who have also lost it, and whilst we all have reacted differently in terms of staying/moving on (I was 15 years in so in a different place), it's not an easy place to be at all. If in later life, after 20/30 years you face illness, fair enough, aged 40, you really have lost something and it's fine to state this.

Finally, if you decide this isn't the life for you, give it a year, and then get out. I wouldn't want someone staying with me for pity or because they thought I couldn't manage. There may be someone out there who would like a more domesticated life which isn't as exciting and like your husband for who he is now- please for his sake don't pity him and stay. I would prefer to be alone and manage than that.

Your posts are confusing OP. It doesn't sound like your bf is significantly and life changing disabled if he is working full time. I think the focus on sex is because he is now impotent. It sounds more like an illness and it doesn't suit you so you want to leave. Fair enough. Men leave women all the time if they develop an illness. It's not for everyone.

It seems very early in the process to make a decision. With a new baby, exhaustion etc, you may not be thinking straight. If you are entitled to disability payment seek this, and any housing if that is possible also. Give yourself sometime. You might be in shock.

@HaveringWavering No, nothing like this has been offered to us. It feels like we are just expected to accept that the intimacy side of our relationship has been affected hugely and not to question it, like it's unimportant.
I know of course it hurts my partner too as it's not something most men of his age have to deal with. He misses that part of our relationship too.
They've made him as well as they can physically but mentally (for both him and us as a couple) it is very difficult.

I think it's disingenuous of you to say if the roles were reversed you would be ok for him to move on, because you would be unwell, disabled and in need of someone to love and care for you. You'd be in no position emotionally to let him move on. I'm sure he feels the same, so don't just shrug off his emotionally needs.

However from your post I think you are not truly invested in this man and emotionally are prepared to leave him and live your own life. No one can blame you for this. This isn't a long loving marriage where you are prepared to sacrifice your life to your partners.

OP I'm sorry, what a hard situation. Unfortunately there seems to be an expectation of a perfect, self-sacrificing partner gladly subsuming their life into the care of their partner, should one party in the relationship have a major change in health. It is so unfair, you only get one life and you're not put on earth to sacrifice yourself for anyone else.

Your feelings are your feelings, you don't sound at all cold to me, you sound honest and clear-headed but also exhausted.

And I say all this as someone who is the person who had a catastrophic change to my health. The impact on my DH has been huge.

Sorry to hear this.

His condition (cauda equina?) is an emergency situation and his surgery will have knocked him for six. It will take time for him to return to a “new” normal.

You’ve a lot on, I see that. Is there any way you might be able to reduce your hours slightly, when you return to work? Anyone who can give practical help?

Sadly, in any relationship, sudden illness ie. a bad back turning into something horrendous, can happen. These are the things which test a partnership. Some survive. Some don’t.