Partner old before his time

[Trustisamust]

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

@HerMammy Thank you. Unfortunately we'd still be way down the list as I work ft. Private renting is so bloody expensive and I've been doing it for seven years now. Will definitely look into PIP.

Dear lord you supposedly love this man yet you’re looking to get out of the relationship the minute things have gotten tough.

I am 40 my husband is 46 we’ve had periods over the last few years where he’s been severely ill both physically and mentally you don’t just run whether you’re married or not. Life with kids is hard enough maybe you need to give it more time manage your expectations better.

I know it’s easy to say but it looks like you wanted another baby in your late 30’s and now you’ve got that screw him.

Just to add my two penneth worth, it really does sound like you have both been thrown a lot of bad luck. However, not surprisingly you do sound as if you are catastrophising. You may end up leaving him but it may be foolish to do so too soon.

You've had a baby for a start - an A1 sure fire way to throw a bomb into a relationship. So many couples struggle at first.

It's a pandemic so you are isolated and already under more stress.

Your partner's illness sounds horrific and I completely understand how your future with him is not as you imagined. However, along with other posters I would definitely say to him that he has to meet you halfway and engage in exercises, use of crutches, getting any MH help he can access. This of course will not only help him but will hopefully decrease your resentment.

What I am saying is, don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Do try and access all ways of help and managing that you can. Your partner needs to know that he must pull his weight but I can't help feeling that maybe 8 months just isn't enough time for him to get his head around the awfulness of it all. And let's face it, it may be him who is stuck with it for life, you at least have some choice.

I feel for you both and really wish you good luck with your futures.

@WeekendCEO

Be honest...would you stay in a sexless marriage?

If I was committed to someone enough to agree to marry them and have a child with them, I would be completely committed to them....so yes.

It sounds like you aren’t committed, shouldn’t have got engaged or had a child with this man.

It's easy to say you'd stay in a sexless marriage if you've never had to put your money where your mouth is. Just saying.

OP you story is almost identical to mine, slight differences I have 4 kids, I was 38 and he was 45, but so close it is uncanny. My baby was 10 days old when we got the diagnosis/prognosis.

Don't listen to people who have no experience of this. It is hard and the reality is if it happened to you you'd have no choice but you are well and you do have a choice.

Only you know if you can do it but I would say it is better for everyone if you make a decision sooner rather than later.

@Figgygal A baby wasn't in our plans initially so no. I fell pregnant on the pill (taken 100% correctly). We got used to the idea and actually excited but then I miscarried. At that point we decided jointly to try.

If I ended up in a similar situation to your husband, I would take the initiative and have the difficult conversation about the changed nature of the relationship and giving the person the opportunity to leave or shift to a purely friendship/co-parenting relationship. I would absolutely not expect my young, fit and healthy spouse to face a future with me where she had to 'pretend' to be my wife in the fullest sense of the word. I would find that humiliating. There can still be love, care, etc but realism about where things stand.

I’m going to say something unthinkable but if your DH is struggling with his health so much he may be finding your relationship difficult and would actually prefer to be on his own. You seem to have checked out and don’t want to be his carer.
That’s ok but be honest. He may be to I’ll to be a husband and father and to look after you both.

@ancientgran Thank you. Are you still together? I hope things are OK x

My marriage was sexless for a couple of years while I was going through treatment for cancer (luckily I'm alright now but that was never a given). I was so unwell that sex was the last thing on my mind. Then, DH was hit by a nasty virus that made him really ill for about 6 months.

We got through it because we love and support each other, no matter what. Relationships are not all sunshine and roses. If you can't do that then you need to make your choices carefully.

@theleafandnotthetree

If I ended up in a similar situation to your husband, I would take the initiative and have the difficult conversation about the changed nature of the relationship and giving the person the opportunity to leave or shift to a purely friendship/co-parenting relationship. I would absolutely not expect my young, fit and healthy spouse to face a future with me where she had to 'pretend' to be my wife in the fullest sense of the word. I would find that humiliating. There can still be love, care, etc but realism about where things stand.

^ This is exactly how I'm thinking too, @theleafandnotthetree. Nicely put. [flowers}

2 of my close friends have husbands with life debilitating/ life limiting illnesses and of course it has changed their relationships but neither has left their husband.

It's more common for men to leave women in such circumstances but rarer the other way around.

A woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer or multiple sclerosis than if a man in the relationship is the patient, according to a study that examined the role gender played in so-called "partner abandonment." The study also found that the longer the marriage the more likely it would remain intact.

The study ["Gender Disparity in the Rate of Partner Abandonment in Patients with Serious Medical Illness," ] confirmed earlier research that put the overall divorce or separation rate among cancer patients at 11.6 percent, similar to the population as a whole. However, researchers were surprised by the difference in separation and divorce rates by gender. The rate when the woman was the patient was 20.8 percent compared to 2.9 percent when the man was the patient.

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm

A lot of carers have their quality of life and family life substantially impaired when a long-term condition with far-reaching consequences comes into their lives.

This is an area that needs support and input from somewhere like the Carers board or a support group from a specialist charity or patient organisation rather than solely relationships. Please contact those groups because they often have support lines or online groups with people who know.

Interestingly, it might be all about love and dedication for women, but the biggest predictor of whether people stay after life-changing illness or injury is gender- men are 7 x more likely to bail.

Not really relevant to you, OP, but for all those saying 'love is enough', well, it often is for women who are socialized into caring whatever the circumstances, but sadly not enough for some men.

Bless you OP my partner has early dementia we have been off and on for 30 years and finally we got back together properly last year really got to know each other instead of just sex and we have been dealt this blow. It’s not for me I am not a carer I had a bit of counselling but I know I’m not a carer it’s just too too sad and my heart goes out to you. I have said I will support him getting the help he needs and we still will be in touch but his family are 150 miles away so I already feel detaching as I know the future brings him moving back self preservation I think

@Trustisamust, I'm so sorry for you both. This happens to most couples eventually, though usually when you're much older, and to be honest, it's difficult to come to terms with even in your seventies, so I really feel for you both. It's very difficult to retain intimacy when one person has problems with pain, or with incontinence, or mobility, and you have a lot on your plate, with a job and children to cope with. There comes a time when you feel more like a carer than a partner/wife, and it's important that you talk about it with him, and find strategies to cope with it all. This may have to involve him putting himself out a bit, and thinking more about the things he can do to help, rather than him sitting around moping about things he can't do. For instance, if he can't stand for long, he could sit and prepare food for a special meal for the two of you, even if you're the one who does the cooking. If there are periods when sex is difficult, hugs and cuddles mean a lot. So does saying "I love you, thanks for all you do for me". And also, at the times when he has incontinence problems, unless he needs your help, perhaps he doesn't really need to tell you about it. It's difficult to be his carer at midday and his lover at midnight.

@EmbarrassingAdmissions great minds think alike. There's a lot of pressure on women to love, come what may.

As for the person saying they had to go without sex for two years, can you really not see the difference between that and not ever being able to have sex again, aged 40?

[quote Trustisamust]@ancientgran Thank you. Are you still together? I hope things are OK x[/quote]
We are but it gets harder. His condition gets worse and I'm now pushing 70 so I'm less able to do everything. I sometime read posts that say things like, "The only thing he does is take the bins out." and I think how amazing, I'd love someone to take the bins out.

You are not 'only' 40 . You are not a 'young' 40. You are 40 plain and simple. There is nothing special about you that makes it particularly difficult for you to bear this situation. You don't want to, which is entirely up to you. Lots of people would do it because of how much they love their partner. You don't plan on doing that. At least own it.

Don’t you care about karma op?

OP I hate to say this but I don't really think you loved him that much in the first place.
It really hasn't been that long since that happened to your partner and you already want to get rid.

As for the person saying they had to go without sex for two years, can you really not see the difference between that and not ever being able to have sex again, aged 40?

I know somebody who did exactly this and regrets it. The man in question was always going to 'do something', bring it up with the HCPs etc. He refused to talk about it in support groups - 20+ years on, there's never been any sex and his egocentricity and inability to consider the needs of anyone but himself has spoiled their relationship and family life. He never expresses any consideration or care for others.

The family friend in question deeply regrets this and now considers she threw her life away. All of her care and support has not prevented her husband from developing life-consuming bitterness which has been to the detriment of both their relationship and their family life.

Can I just make one suggestion to people who haven't faced this. Ask how the "carer" in the partnership is. I always make a point of doing it and when I was picking up GS from school I said it to a woman whose husband had cancer. She started to cry and said no one seemed to realise she was suffering as well. She came up to me a week later and thanked me and said she really appreciated it and it helped her to know someone understood.

Sorry, but my DH (I am 43) was seriously ill last year, 3 months in hospital, they didn't think he would walk again, looked into getting house modified, carers to cope at home etc. I never considered leaving.

@Thewiseoneincognito

Wow. Considering He’s lost so much already I think you’d probably be doing him a favour by leaving him in the long term. You don’t come across as being very empathetic, rather quite selfish and cold. I’m sure he could do much better.

As for your next guy, my sympathies to him should anything happen that inconveniences you.

You don't sound very empathetic either, @thewiseoneincognito. @Trustisamust is a young woman overwhelmed, and rightly so. It's easy to criticise when you aren't having to deal with the prospect of years of a difficult situation. And she has a right to think about herself.