Partner old before his time

[Trustisamust]

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

How was your relationship before the baby and this happened?

I agree that there is a lot of trauma to process here. But I also think that people can leave a relationship for any reason at any time. Staying out of pity/guilt would be miserable for both of you.

Your baby is only ten months old, and your dp has been through a major illness (and is still recovering). No wonder you’re struggling. Don’t make any rash decisions.

@TableFlowerss I'm not after another relationship? At least not for many, many years yet. My older kids will also be adults before too long.

You clearly never loved him, he deserves someone better than you poor man.

His health condition is so recent, and you are already ready to move on, wow. That's the horrible thing, giving up the minute something turns bad.

I imagine he would feel even worst if you stay with him but are resentful and make it clear to him what you think about him: someone inferior and a burden. No one deserves that, and what a horrible example of a "couple" to show your child.

@thebillyotea I didn't say i was ready to move on?

BorderlineHappy
I said exactly that in the second paragraph of my post but you only quoted the first paragraph. Lots of people are basically calling OP a shit human being for considering whether she can live like this long term. That’s not fair. Yes I agree too she should give it more time etc but I don’t agree that she’s wrong for having these thoughts.

[quote Trustisamust]@thebillyotea I didn't say i was ready to move on?[/quote]
that's what comes across from your posts

@Meruem Thank you. Yes, that is what I am saying.

[quote Trustisamust]@TableFlowerss I'm not after another relationship? At least not for many, many years yet. My older kids will also be adults before too long.[/quote]
So your main problem is not the lack of sex then. It’s that you no longer find your partner attractive and do not want to care for him. You have the option of intimacy with him and a domestic life where he is a present father to his daughter but no sex. However you would prefer no intimacy, no shared life and no sex.

That’s fine, but be honest- with yourself and with him.

Is he claiming disability benefits.
You mention he isn't doing the exercises he has been set.
It would be hard to be supportive if the person with the problem isn't helping themselves.
I'm older and see couples where one has developed dementia/ parkinsons - it's tragic as the healthy partner's life is so restricted once the ill partner can't be left alone. But they usually have many years of marriage -- I can see it would be harder if you were younger.

Is this illness a lost cause - ie can't work, can't go out, can't help at home? Or is there a chance of some improvement assuming the rest of the body is strong. It's hard to get my head round.

@HaveringWavering Where did I say that? So many people are putting words into my mouth.

Wow I feel bad for your fiancé!

@Quincie He cant claim anything as he is currently able to work ft.

He struggles to work and do housework.

He struggles to sit for long so going out is difficult and again he gets very tired very easily.

I think I must be reading a different thread to some of you.

Why should op martyr herself for someone who doesn't appear to be willing to help himself.

He doesn't want to do counselling.
He should use crutches with a flare up, but detests them so doesn't.
He hasn't had f2f physio yet, but has been given exercises to help, but isn't strict about doing them. I understand he's had a massive shock, but he could at least try and improve somethings that are within his control and he doesn't want to.

In the meantime, op is seeing him not make that effort to make their life a bit easier, whilst having to take on much more care of their DD, work ft in a demanding job, shoulder the financial responsibility in case he can't work/needs further time off, pick up the extra housework/emotional strain he can't and has lost all intimacy. Which I'm not just reading as sex related. Absolutely she should be reviewing if this is what she wants.
It's exhausting and all falls on her with him burying his head in the sand.

I think it’s very early days op and you’re exhausted from the baby. I find it difficult to have empathy for others when I’m really exhausted. I would push for counselling and bare in mind that things may slightly improve with physio. You are still very early days and both of you have huge challenges ahead. Try and slow down in your thought processes and see how the land lies in a few months. I used to nurse people with life limiting illnesses and it was common for their partners to struggle at first.

OP I honestly would ignore the people who are being a bit hysterical.

It's easy to judge when you're not actually living it and not the one who is potentially signing the rest of their life away, resigning to the fact they will be miserable. Fuck that - it actually doesn't matter what other people think. Maybe your partner in an ideal world could of been with someone who was able to take the situation on long term, someone who enjoys being a caring mother figure, who is that selfless etc. but if you can't then there is no judgement here. Not everyone could. I'm not sure that I could. And that's the honest truth. We all hope that shit doesn't happen to us but sometimes it does.

Life isn't always fair is it. you need to do what is right ultimately for you. As long as it doesn't have a negative affect on your child. Also, I know plenty of people who are in relationships with people who have kids. How ridiculous to suggest otherwise. Not that I'm saying you're even thinking that far ahead but I wouldn't let the fear of being alone stop you from leaving a relationship you are not happy in.

You can't force it can you. In the long term your partner would probably feel worse knowing you stayed out of pity.

It's all incredibly sad OP but we're human. We can only go on how we feel and what we believe is best.

@TheEmperorIsNaked

Oh I know. It’s selfish to think about sex, money, accommodation, work ... when you have a disabled partner. Unconditional love and devotion are what’s expected from us.

I would go for separate counselling if I were you. You won’t want him to hear everything that’s on your mind. And don’t put up with a counsellor that makes you feel ashamed. Your feelings are normal. You need to talk through them and explore your options.

You indicated earlier that your fiancé hasn’t applied for PIP yet. Just so you’re aware, it’s not a means-tested benefit so he can get it regardless of working. It’s a pita to apply for but once you’ve jumped through the hoops it’s well worth it.

Off to be now. Take care OP x

Oh thank heavens. Someone who empathises.

I get you OP. My DH had a catastrophic heart attack when he was 51. I’m 10 years younger. It turned our lives upside down. He shouldn’t be here by rights, he really is a miracle survivor.

I love him dearly but the life changes were so hard.

It’s so easy to look at the whole thing through rose tinted glasses because ‘if you loved him you would’. But a relationship is so much more than that.

It's easy for people to judge until you're in the same situation. Having been in a similar place, OP I did stay and both of us had tons of counselling and are currently making it work happily.

It's a huge blow and it's very natural to feel grief for the life you thought you'd have. I understand also that when you have little kids too you can get care fatigue and just end up emotionally burnt out. If you can possibly afford it counselling is money well spent even if you use the time to come to terms with leaving.

I would leave OP. And I'd be honest about why.

This is your life too. You weren't born to be someone's carer. You're not put on this earth to make sure someone else's needs are filled.

My nan cared for my grandad through his sickness and she sighed a breath of relief when he died because she'd been his carer for 40 years.

How can you be the best mum you can be when your needs aren't being met? When you're constantly bottom of the pile because his illness comes first?

He needs to find ways to manage his illness, and he needs to start a new chapter with someone who can accept him as he is right now. It's ok, and that doesn't have to be you.

You are in a very sad situation. I know (of) other couples in similar situations and it's soul-destroying.

I think some posters are being very callous because it's about 'walk a mile in my shoes.'

Yes, it's the 'right thing' to stick with someone and it's terrible to 'think the unthinkable'. But you have possibly another 50 years of life left.

People leave marriages where a partner is an alcoholic, a drug addict and so on. I suppose the difference is we assume they can control their behaviour whereas your partner didn't choose his illness. But the impact on you is the same.

I have read about couples where one is disabled and they come to an arrangement. The able-body partner is free to have other relationships, but they stay together as parents.

Would this be something to consider?

I suspect not as it's not just about the lack of intimacy.

I don't know if you are going to find the answer here, today, but maybe some 1:1 counselling with a good counsellor might help you make your decision.

It's quite triggering for women who had very difficult births and felt that a part of their life was over 10 months down the line. Not always a life-changing permanent condition, there are ways, surgeries etc to recover, but you can imagine if their partner has thrown the towel so early and moved on.

Actually, sadly we all know some do.

[quote Trustisamust]@HaveringWavering Where did I say that? So many people are putting words into my mouth.[/quote]
You said that things would not get better for him sexually, that sex was an important part of a relationship and asked whether others would stay in a relationship with no sex.

But you then said that you would not be looking for another relationship. So there won’t be any sex in your life with either option.

It follows logically that if you are still prepared to leave the relationship even though you won’t be looking for sex elsewhere then you must want to step away from all the other aspects of the relationship. I’m saying stop letting the sex element cloud your judgment because it isn’t the main reason you want to leave.

@HaveringWavering You can have sex without being in a relationship? Many people choose that option for many different reasons.

I feel for you OP, I feel like you’ve been dragged over the coals here and it’s unfair.

It’s so hard to be in a relationship with someone who has complex health issues, especially if they’re new to your relationship or if they unexpectedly worsen during the relationship. It’s soul destroying. The lack of intimacy, the lack of sex, the lack of being able to have any kind of “active” or fun dates with him will all take their toll and it sounds like that’s what’s eating away at you right now, you’ve obviously been told by doctors how much your DP will be capable of and what the impact will be and it’s scaring you.

This is what you have to ask yourself, are you still feeling particularly vulnerable after the birth of your 10 month old? Lack of sleep makes everything seem worse so maybe it’s worth giving yourself a little bit of time?

If you know that caring for a partner isn’t for you and that you won’t cope well with it then it’s most definitely best to end it, not just for your own well-being but also for your DP, as you will only end up resenting him and both of you will be miserable.

If it’s not the caring aspect so much and more about the lack of sex/intimacy that you know is your future, would your DP be willing to open your relationship so that you can be fulfilled in that department elsewhere? Is that something YOU would want?

Lots of things to think about OP, although this isn’t your DP fault at all, he deserves love and happiness just as much as anyone else, but you are also a person with feelings and wants and so sometimes you need to put yourself first rather than being miserable for many many years and just plodding along in a kind of zombie like way.

My brother was paralysed in a car crash when he was 40. For several weeks he was in a coma and we thought he would die. He is now doing very well but has no sensation below the waist. He and my SIL have no children (never wanted any). SIL can’t believe her luck that he didn’t die and their marriage remains strong despite him being a paraplegic wheelchair user with very significant care needs. They were offered counselling on sexual matters as part of his spinal injury rehab process. I do not know any further details as none of my business. Was nothing like this offered to you?