Partner old before his time

[Trustisamust]

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

@ancientgran

Yes. And in short that's what I am saying . But the relationship may have a new and different dynamic that could be deeper than before if given more than 8 months. How can the OP know this if she leaves when the partner is no vulnerable. In due course the partner may want to leave the OP because HIS emotional needs arent being met. They may come to some mutual agreement.

You could say that about anything though,

Don't leave your unfaithful partner, you might work through it and have different dynamic that is even deeper.

Don't leave you violent partner, you might work through it and have different dynamic that is even deeper.

Don't leave your drug addict partner, you might work through it and have different dynamic that is even deeper.

Those partners might be vulnerable but do people often suggest that the person should stay if they want to leave?

The OPs partner has an injury. He's not an addict or a 'violent partner' how do you equate those examples?

Let's be fair you arent putting much effort in are you MaddayMadDog

Well, you aren't making very good points. You just keep on with hyperbole like, 'she's leaving IMMEDIATELY''. When she isn't.
Or minimising what OP is trying to communicate when she says its like he has aged to an old man. Or that she is exhausted from carrying the burden. Or making bad parallels and 'whataboutery'. And then getting vicious to people who have a different opinion to you and sneering at them for not being empathetic and great, like you.

[quote BurbageBrook]@loveheartss I think it is both sad and abhorrent that some people have so little care for the people they are meant to love, yes. Of course she CAN leave right after her partner has had a devastating medical diagnosis, that’s her right. Does it make her a morally upstanding and good person, a person with empathy? Probably not. Or at least she must never have been in love with him in the first place.[/quote]
Does judging other people make you a good person, a person with empathy? OP needs help, putting the boot in isn't helpful.

Sorry I haven't read everything here @Trustisamust but I would echo those who said please go and see your gp and a counsellor. This is a lot to deal with and your mind must be racing. I do feel sorry for your partner in all of this, but you also have your life to think of. Please go and talk to a professional. Good luck OP X

The OPs partner has an injury. He's not an addict or a 'violent partner' how do you equate those examples?

They are examples of why someone might end a relationship, if you wouldn't judge any of them then why judge the OP? She has no more control than the partner of a drug addict, a violent man, an adulterer. Why does she so exclusively have no right to make a decision about her life?

Acientgran Ive been my mother's carer since I was 17 year old so longer than you. So I know quite a bit about caring and the dynamic. Thanks.

@ancientgran

The OPs partner has an injury. He's not an addict or a 'violent partner' how do you equate those examples?

They are examples of why someone might end a relationship, if you wouldn't judge any of them then why judge the OP? She has no more control than the partner of a drug addict, a violent man, an adulterer. Why does she so exclusively have no right to make a decision about her life?

totally different situations. Whereby the partner leaves because of abuse, generally.

right, I'm going to go and paint a wall now, as I think I've done more than enough eavesdropping on someone else's really painful circumstances for one day. But, I will just say, to bbbbcccc whatever, who seems extremely invested in this thread, and very certain that she knows exactly what is going through the OP's head: just shut the fuck up with your judgements. The OP says she's fearful for the future, she's exhausted, she's mourning the close and loving relationship they used to have AS WELL AS the sex. They have a tiny baby which, despite his loving ways towards the infant, is realistically her responsibility now, at least for all the grunt work, alongside working FT, and the household tasks. She's bloody scared and who can blame her ?( well, actually, plenty can blame her, according to this thread) But she doesn't say she wants to be out the door, although I absolutely wouldn't judge her for thinking that might be one painful option. And I hope SHE also has good friends and family because whatever she does, SHE's also going to need them. She won't need people like you in her life.

I"m really off now, won't be back, so no need to try and seize the last, vituperative word.

OP, to repeat, take your time and best of luck. I hope you get all the help you need.

@bbbbbbbbbccccc Look I think the bottom line is that OP is entitled to her own feelings and actually, she has no obligation to remain in the relationship if she doesn't want to. She doesn't need to give it 3 years, she doesn't need anyone's permission, presumably she already knows deep down if this is realistically something she can take on for the rest of her life. I think this post was for, as already stated, advice and experiences. Maybe some of it was so that she didn't feel like such an awful person. I know some have really stuck the boot in but I don't believe she's an awful person for a second.

I don't even understand what 'It is rare to know how a relationship will develop such a short time after trauma' means but I accept we have very differing opinions on the situation.

@MiddayMadDog

Let's be fair you arent putting much effort in are you MaddayMadDog

Well, you aren't making very good points. You just keep on with hyperbole like, 'she's leaving IMMEDIATELY''. When she isn't.
Or minimising what OP is trying to communicate when she says its like he has aged to an old man. Or that she is exhausted from carrying the burden. Or making bad parallels and 'whataboutery'. And then getting vicious to people who have a different opinion to you and sneering at them for not being empathetic and great, like you.

So where is your empathy for the partner? Let's see a balanced response from you.

@ancientgran

The OPs partner has an injury. He's not an addict or a 'violent partner' how do you equate those examples?

They are examples of why someone might end a relationship, if you wouldn't judge any of them then why judge the OP? She has no more control than the partner of a drug addict, a violent man, an adulterer. Why does she so exclusively have no right to make a decision about her life?

@ancientgran- an addict, an adulterer and a violent man are chosen behaviours- a lifelong illness isn’t. Of course she has every right to make a decision about her life but the reality is that if she really loved him, she wouldn’t dream of leaving. Love isn’t an adjective- it’s a verb.

Op I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say That I understand why you feel the way you do. I think it’s idealistic for people to think every couple can and should stick together through any health issues. When the reality is that the relationship is not what it was when you got together and that is bound to have an impact on how you feel, particularly given your young age (young to be in that position ).

My mother has always been unwell/unhealthy for, until very recently, unknown reasons. We now know what was causing the issue but unfortunately she is at the stage where she needs help with a lot of aspects of her care, has limited mobility and is quite often repetitive and in a frustrated mood. My parents have been together over 40 years and my dad would not consider leaving. However it is having a massive impact on him as a carer, it’s a lot for him to manage alone and he is not able to do anything of the things he would like when he retires. I couldn’t blame someone who had only been with their partner for 5 years for questioning if that was the future they wanted over the next half of their life.

Are you able to get the things you feel you need in other ways (eg have a friend you can travel with, do the experienced you would like to do with) outside of the relationship?

@Tightwad2020

right, I'm going to go and paint a wall now, as I think I've done more than enough eavesdropping on someone else's really painful circumstances for one day. But, I will just say, to bbbbcccc whatever, who seems extremely invested in this thread, and very certain that she knows exactly what is going through the OP's head: just shut the fuck up with your judgements. The OP says she's fearful for the future, she's exhausted, she's mourning the close and loving relationship they used to have AS WELL AS the sex. They have a tiny baby which, despite his loving ways towards the infant, is realistically her responsibility now, at least for all the grunt work, alongside working FT, and the household tasks. She's bloody scared and who can blame her ?( well, actually, plenty can blame her, according to this thread) But she doesn't say she wants to be out the door, although I absolutely wouldn't judge her for thinking that might be one painful option. And I hope SHE also has good friends and family because whatever she does, SHE's also going to need them. She won't need people like you in her life.

I"m really off now, won't be back, so no need to try and seize the last, vituperative word.

OP, to repeat, take your time and best of luck. I hope you get all the help you need.

Excellent post.

Whether we like to admit it or not, not everyone is cut out to be a carer whether it's for a parent, partner or child. It's just not something you can make yourself into ifnits not in you. The loved ones of people in these situations aren't all compassionate angels or unfeeling sock puppets they are just people with all the range of characteristics as everyone.

[quote loveheartss]@bbbbbbbbbccccc Look I think the bottom line is that OP is entitled to her own feelings and actually, she has no obligation to remain in the relationship if she doesn't want to. She doesn't need to give it 3 years, she doesn't need anyone's permission, presumably she already knows deep down if this is realistically something she can take on for the rest of her life. I think this post was for, as already stated, advice and experiences. Maybe some of it was so that she didn't feel like such an awful person. I know some have really stuck the boot in but I don't believe she's an awful person for a second.

I don't even understand what 'It is rare to know how a relationship will develop such a short time after trauma' means but I accept we have very differing opinions on the situation.[/quote]
Well, equally its absolutely fine to have empathy for the OPs partner in this situation as well as acknowledging that the situation is hard for her. He has barely had the time to come out of hospital, get services together and understand what is happening to him. It is also fine to suggest that time provides clarity and may be helpful to the OP. Leaving your partner when then are very vulnerable doesn't necessarily mean that is the best solution.

@Tightwad2020

right, I'm going to go and paint a wall now, as I think I've done more than enough eavesdropping on someone else's really painful circumstances for one day. But, I will just say, to bbbbcccc whatever, who seems extremely invested in this thread, and very certain that she knows exactly what is going through the OP's head: just shut the fuck up with your judgements. The OP says she's fearful for the future, she's exhausted, she's mourning the close and loving relationship they used to have AS WELL AS the sex. They have a tiny baby which, despite his loving ways towards the infant, is realistically her responsibility now, at least for all the grunt work, alongside working FT, and the household tasks. She's bloody scared and who can blame her ?( well, actually, plenty can blame her, according to this thread) But she doesn't say she wants to be out the door, although I absolutely wouldn't judge her for thinking that might be one painful option. And I hope SHE also has good friends and family because whatever she does, SHE's also going to need them. She won't need people like you in her life.

I"m really off now, won't be back, so no need to try and seize the last, vituperative word.

OP, to repeat, take your time and best of luck. I hope you get all the help you need.

Enjoy the wall.

@bbbbbbbbbccccc Right this is my last response because I really feel like we are going round in circles. OP already presumably knows it is shit for her partner. No one should stay out of pity, not everyone has it in them to be a carer, the OP is not obligated to do anything she does not want to. She shouldn't be guilted into staying by anyone - that isn't helpful for OP or his partner.

Unfortunately, OPs partner is not OPs responsibility if she doesn't want him to be. It is harsh but it is just the way it is.

[quote loveheartss]@bbbbbbbbbccccc Right this is my last response because I really feel like we are going round in circles. OP already presumably knows it is shit for her partner. No one should stay out of pity, not everyone has it in them to be a carer, the OP is not obligated to do anything she does not want to. She shouldn't be guilted into staying by anyone - that isn't helpful for OP or his partner.

Unfortunately, OPs partner is not OPs responsibility if she doesn't want him to be. It is harsh but it is just the way it is.[/quote]
Yes it is going around in circles. As I said I have not suggested she should stay in the long term but at least giving the relationship some time after trauma to realise what potential there could be is likely to be kinder to both parties than leaving without any true picture regarding the future. They haven't even looked at benefits or support services yet.

@NotaCoolMum an addict, an adulterer and a violent man are chosen behaviours- a lifelong illness isn’t. Of course she has every right to make a decision about her life but the reality is that if she really loved him, she wouldn’t dream of leaving. Love isn’t an adjective- it’s a verb.

How about an addict who became addicted to pain killers following an accident? What about a violent man who has PTSD after some trauma?

Who are you to judge what "real" love is? Do tell us your qualifications.

So where is your empathy for the partner? Let's see a balanced response from you

OP posted, my responses were to OP. Not only is it no OPs job to sacrifice her life to someone else, realistically its doomed to failure if she is making that choice through guilt and fear of judgement from people like those on this thread. I have said this is a terrible situation for everyone, I do not regard it as a suffering competition.

And the addictions/ abuse parallels from ancient gran are not totally different. Addiction is recognised as an illness. Should someone stay with an addict for five years to see whether they can adapt? Its an illness after all, just like OPs partners has an illness. Someone might be abusive due to their own mental health conditions or childhood trauma - very sad for them - you do see posters on here justifying their partners behaviour due to this and feeling guilty about not being happy with them. Should they stay? Mental illness is an illness after all.

The point is it really doesn't matter what the cause of the difficulties with the partner is. If their other half finds this unbearable then the relationship is going to fail.
As Tightwad said, OP is in a horrible situation. It must be unbearable.
And she has got a whole lot of judgement at a time when she must feel desperate and alone, and in that desperation she reached out. You haven't been empathetic. You really have not.

My heart breaks for you. Both of you really but it's you who is asking for advice. I understand exactly why you are talking about sex, it's not just the act but the intimacy it brings and the closeness and the feeling attractive desired and wanted.
You have had a lot to deal with on last year. I would try counselling. Hopefully with him but if not then alone.
I would see if you can ignite some passion with him or if he's willing to try other means, and if you can reconnect. It's NOT up to you alone, he's ill but he has his faculties and it takes two to make a marriage work.
Kindness isn't enough.
Go into it properly, try hard with the intimacy and life and counselling. Give it 6 months and if it doesn't work. Leave. You have one life. You're not married and you wouldn't be breaking any vows.
Be a kind and loving friend and co-parent with him. But there will be no medals at the end of life for being a nurse rather than a partner and a lover.

@bbbbbbbbbccccc

Acientgran Ive been my mother's carer since I was 17 year old so longer than you. So I know quite a bit about caring and the dynamic. Thanks.

totally different relationship. I didn't think you understood.

@MiddayMadDog

So where is your empathy for the partner? Let's see a balanced response from you

OP posted, my responses were to OP. Not only is it no OPs job to sacrifice her life to someone else, realistically its doomed to failure if she is making that choice through guilt and fear of judgement from people like those on this thread. I have said this is a terrible situation for everyone, I do not regard it as a suffering competition.

And the addictions/ abuse parallels from ancient gran are not totally different. Addiction is recognised as an illness. Should someone stay with an addict for five years to see whether they can adapt? Its an illness after all, just like OPs partners has an illness. Someone might be abusive due to their own mental health conditions or childhood trauma - very sad for them - you do see posters on here justifying their partners behaviour due to this and feeling guilty about not being happy with them. Should they stay? Mental illness is an illness after all.

The point is it really doesn't matter what the cause of the difficulties with the partner is. If their other half finds this unbearable then the relationship is going to fail.
As Tightwad said, OP is in a horrible situation. It must be unbearable.
And she has got a whole lot of judgement at a time when she must feel desperate and alone, and in that desperation she reached out. You haven't been empathetic. You really have not.

So which bit about allowing your relationship some time in order to understand the nature of the trauma before a decision is made is unempathetic? In fact allowing time for both parties to understand what is going on is entirely empathetic to the needs of both parties. Particularly if it allows support services and benefits to be organised.

Enjoy the wall

You really, really are horrible.

@Trustisamust
How would you feel if it was you with these issues and he's posted saying these things you are saying?
I'd be heartbroken it isn't his fault he's ill and moaning about lack of intimacy etc... when he must be worried sick is very unkind.