Page 14 | Partner old before his time

Trustisamust · 2021-04-07T22:37:19+00:00

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent? I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still. When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months. About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee. He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions. I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then. I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more. I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted. I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

MiddayMadDog · 08/04/2021 14:13

Its what most empathetic people would look to do. If you aren't empathetic. What can I say. Thats you isnt it

The arrogance here is astonishing. The certainty that you have empathy and others don't. You really are coming across as a thoroughly unpleasant person. You have not been supporting the OP through a difficult time, as an empathetic person would. You have been judging and condemning (whilst pretending that you haven't through your, ' yeah I'm sure its not great for you OP BUT...' approach). Fun fact; empathy is not measured by how well you can understand those you already feel attunement to. Literally everyone in the world can do that. Its measured in how well you can understand and support those you don't feel an attunement to.
And you have so much judgement there is enough to spill over into other posters too. As well as not having the empathy levels you clearly prize yourself on, you have poor communication skills too. People don't tend to listen to those who have so clearly set themselves against them.

bbbbbbbbbccccc · 08/04/2021 14:15

[quote loveheartss]@bbbbbbbbbccccc Which is why I said generally. All I'm saying is I think as it was OP who started this thread to vent/get advice/encounter people who had been in similar situations it is their feelings I am considering the most when responding.

I think OP is already aware that her partner hasn't got it easy. I don't consider myself to not be an empathetic person but I do consider myself to be a realist. We don't all live in a fantasy world where true love conquers all hardship. It is not always enough.

I really don't think the traumatic birth comparison holds much weight truthfully. If sex is a big part of what you need in a relationship (and OP hasn't said that here btw, I am taking what you said in your example) then that's just the way it is. Harsh? Yes, perhaps. But what can you do. OP hasn't said this is just about sex. She doesn't want to become her partners carer. That is a valid feeling to her current situation.[/quote]
She's not her partner's carer. The birth trauma example is entirely valid. Entirely. I am a realist also, hence i haven't suggested she martyr her entire life (particularly as the OP has no real idea of the future yet). At least offer the relationship some time to settle post trauma so that a true picture of the future can be assessed. Walking out of the door immediately doesn't offer that at all.

BurbageBrook · 08/04/2021 14:17

I really think if the genders were reversed posters would be up in arms about the idea of leaving your partner in this situation. It’s abhorrent.

loveheartss · 08/04/2021 14:19

@bbbbbbbbbccccc Where are you getting the idea that this happened really recently? If you read the OP this began 8 months ago. If the OP is feeling like this now, why is it going to change in say another 8 months?From what OP said he is unlikely to get better. I acknowledge it sounds really harsh to say but OP has to think of herself and what she wants out of life.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/04/2021 14:19

[quote Trustisamust]@HeraInTheHereAndNow I'd love to reduce my hours but we can't afford that. I'll just have to cope I guess.
Nobody that can help on a practical level except my mum and she is already having the baby while I work until the summer hols so that is a big ask of her as is. I am very grateful to her.[/quote]
Have you worked out how much you earn now minis childcare compared to how much you would earn on less hours minus less childcare and a UC claim? It doesn't have to be forever but it might help for the next year.

How "disability proof" is his job? If it isn't, Is it worth him looking for something more suitable now if it's going to get worse?

You aren't bu to walk out on an unhappy marriage but I'd say you've had a lot to on on the last year - baby, this illness plus lack of support due to Covid so don't make any decisions you can't reverse.

SnuggyBuggy · 08/04/2021 14:21

Nothing has suggested the OP has spoken those words to her partner and besides the sheer relish some people police others language with is also awful.

loveheartss · 08/04/2021 14:21

@BurbageBrook Not at all. You are saying it's disgusting for someone to not want to spend 40 years of their life looking after someone else.

That isn't abhorrent. It's sad yes. It's very unfortunate but things happen.

Since when did people not have permission and rights to leave relationships for any reason?

And you mention gender reversal - a lot of men leave women for far less.

bbbbbbbbbccccc · 08/04/2021 14:21

@MiddayMadDog

Its what most empathetic people would look to do. If you aren't empathetic. What can I say. Thats you isnt it

The arrogance here is astonishing. The certainty that you have empathy and others don't. You really are coming across as a thoroughly unpleasant person. You have not been supporting the OP through a difficult time, as an empathetic person would. You have been judging and condemning (whilst pretending that you haven't through your, ' yeah I'm sure its not great for you OP BUT...' approach). Fun fact; empathy is not measured by how well you can understand those you already feel attunement to. Literally everyone in the world can do that. Its measured in how well you can understand and support those you don't feel an attunement to.
And you have so much judgement there is enough to spill over into other posters too. As well as not having the empathy levels you clearly prize yourself on, you have poor communication skills too. People don't tend to listen to those who have so clearly set themselves against them.

Interesting that you want to throw around the arrogant word. take a good look at your own posts. While I have tried to look at both side of the situation you have done nothing of the sort. I am suggesting that leaving a partner who has experienced injuries through no fault of their own is not demonstrating much support. Your monika says it all MiddayMad dog. Clearly you are only On here to bark at random posters in your lunch hour to try to stir up some kind of problematic response. Not gonna work here.

Branleuse · 08/04/2021 14:21

I think you should seek some counselling OP. See if your GP can refer you, or some relationship counselling by yourself. I think it would help you to be able to talk about this without judgement.
I imagine if you were younger, or you had been together a lot longer then it might be different, but this is quite soon into a relationship to have to be someones carer and to give up on sex.
Obviously its not his fault, but its not yours either, and you dont get another shot at life. You always have a choice.

have you talked to him about how hard you are finding this? What is his general attitude about it?

BurbageBrook · 08/04/2021 14:22

Hope all the people posting it’s fine for OP to leave would be equally cool with it if they got MS or motor neurone disease or some terrible illness and their DP just up and left.

loveheartss · 08/04/2021 14:23

@BurbageBrook I have already said I would only want a partner to stay if they truly wanted to. I would never want someone to stay out of pity or some misplaced duty that they had to.

Would I be sad? Yes probably. But not as sad as I would feel baring the brunt for someone else's misery for the next 40 odd years.

BurbageBrook · 08/04/2021 14:25

@loveheartss I think it is both sad and abhorrent that some people have so little care for the people they are meant to love, yes. Of course she CAN leave right after her partner has had a devastating medical diagnosis, that’s her right. Does it make her a morally upstanding and good person, a person with empathy? Probably not. Or at least she must never have been in love with him in the first place.

bbbbbbbbbccccc · 08/04/2021 14:26

[quote loveheartss]@bbbbbbbbbccccc Where are you getting the idea that this happened really recently? If you read the OP this began 8 months ago. If the OP is feeling like this now, why is it going to change in say another 8 months?From what OP said he is unlikely to get better. I acknowledge it sounds really harsh to say but OP has to think of herself and what she wants out of life.[/quote]
8 months is no time at all to be able to understand how your relationship could weather this storm. A more reasonable time frame would be 3 years. In that time a person can gain an understanding of how they could have a creative sex life and for the shock of the trauma to lessen. They can set up benefits, have the house adapted, utilise support service. Then if the OP leaves they will have had the opportunity to talk about how the relationship has changed having tried to at least salvage and work on it.

BurbageBrook · 08/04/2021 14:26

I wouldn’t want my partner to stay out of duty either, most people stay because they love their partner. I can only assume some people on this thread haven’t experienced true love.

Tightwad2020 · 08/04/2021 14:27

I would help a stranger get back on their feet after a terrible life changing event.

But would you live with them forever, forswearing all others? No? Then it's not a parallel is it?

VanGoghsDog · 08/04/2021 14:28

Has he applied for PIP? Anything he got from that could be used to pay for a cleaner or childcare to relieve some of the burden from you.

MiddayMadDog · 08/04/2021 14:29

Your monika says it all MiddayMad dog. Clearly you are only On here to bark at random posters

By god that's truly pathetic. Really scraping the bottom of the 'arguments' battle there.

loveheartss · 08/04/2021 14:30

@BurbageBrook I think it is very easy to judge if you are not in the circumstances. Would I leave my partner in similar circumstances? I'm really not sure and that is me being honest, if it meant a life time of looking after him. However I am not even 30 years old yet.

Love can change. It can stop. It happens - sometimes things test a relationship and not all of them survive. I think it's really hard to change how you feel and I am not prepared to shame the OP if she chooses to leave. Who am I to tell someone else, who's position I have thankfully not been in, what they should or shouldn't do? And to call them abhorrent?

bbbbbbbbbccccc · 08/04/2021 14:32

@Tightwad2020

I would help a stranger get back on their feet after a terrible life changing event.

But would you live with them forever, forswearing all others? No? Then it's not a parallel is it?

Yes. And in short that's what I am saying . But the relationship may have a new and different dynamic that could be deeper than before if given more than 8 months. How can the OP know this if she leaves when the partner is no vulnerable. In due course the partner may want to leave the OP because HIS emotional needs arent being met. They may come to some mutual agreement.

ancientgran · 08/04/2021 14:32

@bbbbbbbbbccccc

Ancientgran. You haven't bothered reading all my posts then. I have acknowledged how tough it must be for the OP. But she is the one who has working genitalia and isn't in constant pain. She is the one who wants to leave almost immediately her partner falls ill without giving him time to at least work out how the illness is affecting him. So clearly it is the partner who is suffering the most and deserves a considerable amount of our empathy

I didn't realise it was a competition. How much experience have you got of their type of situation? I've been my husband's carer for 30 years so I've got alot. My life is actually affected very considerably by his disability. If you've done 30 years of washing your partner, helping him to dress, fetching and carrying for him, working to pay the bills, bringing up the kids then we can compare notes.

bbbbbbbbbccccc · 08/04/2021 14:34

@MiddayMadDog

Your monika says it all MiddayMad dog. Clearly you are only On here to bark at random posters

By god that's truly pathetic. Really scraping the bottom of the 'arguments' battle there.

Let's be fair you arent putting much effort in are you MaddayMadDog.

loveheartss · 08/04/2021 14:34

@bbbbbbbbbccccc I feel like you keep missing the fact that OP has said this is for good. its for life - she specifically said he may have stable periods at times but this is it. He will have this issue for life.

It is not a storm to be weathered. It is an entire life change and commitment.

OP said as well that her partner has always been more keen on her than the other way round. Sounds to me OP was doubting the relationship before this even happened but now that this has happened she feels bad which is unsurprising considering some of the responses.

bbbbbbbbbccccc · 08/04/2021 14:35

@MiddayMadDog

Your monika says it all MiddayMad dog. Clearly you are only On here to bark at random posters

By god that's truly pathetic. Really scraping the bottom of the 'arguments' battle there.

Also cant be arsed with 'battles', pointless and a bit pathetic. Carry on if you want, personally I find it a bit boring.

ancientgran · 08/04/2021 14:36

Yes. And in short that's what I am saying . But the relationship may have a new and different dynamic that could be deeper than before if given more than 8 months. How can the OP know this if she leaves when the partner is no vulnerable. In due course the partner may want to leave the OP because HIS emotional needs arent being met. They may come to some mutual agreement.

You could say that about anything though,

Don't leave your unfaithful partner, you might work through it and have different dynamic that is even deeper.

Don't leave you violent partner, you might work through it and have different dynamic that is even deeper.

Don't leave your drug addict partner, you might work through it and have different dynamic that is even deeper.

Those partners might be vulnerable but do people often suggest that the person should stay if they want to leave?

bbbbbbbbbccccc · 08/04/2021 14:37

[quote loveheartss]@bbbbbbbbbccccc I feel like you keep missing the fact that OP has said this is for good. its for life - she specifically said he may have stable periods at times but this is it. He will have this issue for life.

It is not a storm to be weathered. It is an entire life change and commitment.

OP said as well that her partner has always been more keen on her than the other way round. Sounds to me OP was doubting the relationship before this even happened but now that this has happened she feels bad which is unsurprising considering some of the responses.[/quote]
You are missing the point. It is rare to know how a relationship will develop such a short time after trauma. Everyone is still reeling.