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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner old before his time

504 replies

Trustisamust · 07/04/2021 23:37

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
loveheartss · 08/04/2021 13:19

@bbbbbbbbbccccc Truthfully, I think both of them are going to equally suffer here in different ways.

I also think it's incredibly insulting and patronising to stay with someone out of pity. Imagine if the OP does when she really doesn't want to, OPs partner will have that on his shoulders as well. can you imagine feeling responsible for another persons life time misery? I don't think that is beneficial for the partner at all.

Obviously, no one is suggesting OP rush into making a decision. But I really don't think she should be guilted or shamed for feeling the way she currently does. Not everyone is cut out to be Florence Nightingale and that is okay.

MiddayMadDog · 08/04/2021 13:21

@anniegun

Poor guy , I feel sorry for him being with someone whose love was conditional on him being young and fit.
How old are you? How many 70 or 80 olds do you fancy? None? Is that because your love is conditional on someone being young and fit?
Magnificentmug12 · 08/04/2021 13:22

It could have just as easily been you. Age doesn’t recognise sickness, he could have been 20.

I’m not saying it’s easy but if his sick, his sick, I’m sure he would rather not be.

bbbbbbbbbccccc · 08/04/2021 13:23

Its not about staying out of pity. I would help a stranger get back on their feet after a terrible life changing event. Its about helping someone who you care about gain some security and giving the relationship some time to develop. Its called being an empathetic adult.

Tempusfudgeit · 08/04/2021 13:23

I get the feeling you've already decided the relationship is over (which is your perogative) but you just want to gauge reactions.

ancientgran · 08/04/2021 13:23

People are being very judgmental, well some are. If you haven't been through this you have no idea what it is like, the OP needs some support. Amazing how people think they are so compassionate can be so cruel.

ancientgran · 08/04/2021 13:25

@bbbbbbbbbccccc

While I can see that life must be difficult for the OP. I cant help but feel absolutely wretched for her poor partner. To be honest you probably need to put a deadline of say 5 years on the relationship. To see what transpires. To help your partner settle into his new way of living with the disability and to see if you can grow together out of this crisis. If you cant do that then at least you are not leaving him at his most vulnerable. And as others have said...bear in mind it might be YOU looking for the charity and humanity of others in the future. So treat your partner as you would like to be treated with love, dignity and respect. At least allow him time to understand what has happened to him and to put security measures in place. Personally I find putting your need for sex above everything else, odd. But I am not you.
That's the thing isn't it. You feel sorry for him but this is affecting both of them, there is never any thought of how hard it is for the partner and you know it is hard to voluntarily go through it.
loveheartss · 08/04/2021 13:27

@bbbbbbbbbccccc which is very kind and generous of you but like I said, not everyone is cut out to be a carer. Not everyone can manage the jump from partner to carer and be okay. OPs feelings are completely valid.

OPs partner may never gain security. Their relationship is not going to be the same again is it? Yes they may find a new relationship that they are both happy with but realistically this changes the dynamic and nature of their relationship long term. OP needs to assess if she can handle that. With reasonable advice given, not emotive language thrown around because some people couldn't imagine leaving their partner in the same circumstances. We are all different.

BigGreen · 08/04/2021 13:27

By the way OP, I've been on loads of these threads where a carer talks about their experience of their partner's chronic illness - and they always go the same way into judgement territory.

I'm sorry to say that it helped to make me really isolated during the time my partner was most unwell. I felt so alone, nowhere to turn, nobody to get support from. I was (am) just supposed to suck it all up and manage the fallout. That's why I used up all my savings to get a counsellor. It's really harsh to be in this situation.

bbbbbbbbbccccc · 08/04/2021 13:28

Ancientgran. You haven't bothered reading all my posts then. I have acknowledged how tough it must be for the OP. But she is the one who has working genitalia and isn't in constant pain. She is the one who wants to leave almost immediately her partner falls ill without giving him time to at least work out how the illness is affecting him. So clearly it is the partner who is suffering the most and deserves a considerable amount of our empathy

bbbbbbbbbccccc · 08/04/2021 13:31

[quote loveheartss]@bbbbbbbbbccccc which is very kind and generous of you but like I said, not everyone is cut out to be a carer. Not everyone can manage the jump from partner to carer and be okay. OPs feelings are completely valid.

OPs partner may never gain security. Their relationship is not going to be the same again is it? Yes they may find a new relationship that they are both happy with but realistically this changes the dynamic and nature of their relationship long term. OP needs to assess if she can handle that. With reasonable advice given, not emotive language thrown around because some people couldn't imagine leaving their partner in the same circumstances. We are all different.[/quote]
The best anyone can do for their partner is to offer them some time to recover. If you think running out of the door is the thing to do when a person has a life changing illness then dont be surprised if some people question why you are doing that. Also dont be surprised if in the future you are treated with the same lack of compassion and care. After all that's the fair way to treat people? No it isnt.

Motnight · 08/04/2021 13:31

Op something similar happened with myself and my husband. I was in my early 50s at the time. I thought very hard about what life would be like going forward and whether I could deal with it and be happy. I decided that I could. And I am, we have been together over 30 years and I can not imagine a life without him. But that's me. Not you.

It's blooming scary but you do have a choice. I would say to you as a relatively young woman that if you feel that you can't live this way and be happy, leave. Don't end up being a frustrated martyr, it will be horrible for everyone.

I wish you the very best whatever you decide to do.

Alcemeg · 08/04/2021 13:34

Appalled by the cruelty on this thread, not to mention the hypocrisy of those urging OP to show some compassion.

It is not your duty to care for him for life, when there are so many other ways you could share a future. Surely he must have said something along these lines to you?

MiddayMadDog · 08/04/2021 13:49

So clearly it is the partner who is suffering the most and deserves a considerable amount of our empathy

I see now where you are coming from. You see this as some type of suffering competition. Whoever is deemed to be suffering the least loses and is obliged to give up their life to support the one suffering the most. And they have to suck it up or be judged.

That is not how I approach it at all. This is a terrible situation for both of them. I don't rank them. I don't see how that is even possible. It sounds devastating for both of them.

bbbbbbbbbccccc · 08/04/2021 13:55

@MiddayMadDog

So clearly it is the partner who is suffering the most and deserves a considerable amount of our empathy

I see now where you are coming from. You see this as some type of suffering competition. Whoever is deemed to be suffering the least loses and is obliged to give up their life to support the one suffering the most. And they have to suck it up or be judged.

That is not how I approach it at all. This is a terrible situation for both of them. I don't rank them. I don't see how that is even possible. It sounds devastating for both of them.

Ok then. Let's flip this. The OP suffers horrible birth trauma. She has a 4th degree tear that renders her incontinent and unable to have sex. Possibly cant have PIV for the foreseeable future. Her partner almost immediately wants to leave because his needs aren't being met. She is emotionally a mess and has had to go back to work full time in order to keep the house going. I know where the majority of Mumsnetters would place their empathy. Now, I am not suggesting that the OP offers to martyr herself for her entire life. I have acknowledged it must be tough for her. However it is even tougher for her partner. In order to know whether the relationship can survive time is needed and the opportunity to think creatively. Rushing out the door is not necessarily the solution. Infacr the fallout could be devastating in many ways from such a hasty decision.
devastating · 08/04/2021 13:56

Appalled by the cruelty on this thread, not to mention the hypocrisy of those urging OP to show some compassion.

Me too. So much sanctimony. It’s a shame because so many kind responses are often overshadowed by the judgemental and critical pile on, which is then bound to negatively affect someone’s maybe already vulnerable mental health.

loveheartss · 08/04/2021 13:56

@bbbbbbbbbccccc but that's the thing, I wouldn't necessarily expect a partner to stand by me in this situation, and I certainly wouldn't want them to stay if they saw me as ball and chain who was going to weigh down the rest of their life.

Life isn't fair is it? We can only do what we feel is right.

loveheartss · 08/04/2021 13:58

The example you've given doesn't match OPs situation. 4th degree tears generally heal well and don't impact your sex life for the rest of time.

bbbbbbbbbccccc · 08/04/2021 14:04

@loveheartss

The example you've given doesn't match OPs situation. 4th degree tears generally heal well and don't impact your sex life for the rest of time.
Not necessarily I know plenty of women who suffer double incontinence because of birth injuries take a look at the birth stories on MN. They dont 'heal' well every time. And on here, in that situation, if their partner was to walk out of the door because he wasn't getting sex MN would be absolutely on the side of the injured party. As I said I have not suggested the OP martyr themselves for their entire life. However to offer support post the trauma and to offer the relationship some time in order to look at whether it is possible to have a sex / emotional life in the future, is entirely reasonable. Its what most empathetic people would look to do. If you aren't empathetic. What can I say. Thats you isnt it. Quite often people respond in kind to how they have been treated. You may well find that other people will not support you if you dont reciprocate.
TableFlowerss · 08/04/2021 14:06

Yes perhaps not to everyone, but to some people maybe it is. After all, let’s be honest, sex is a major factor in what makes a relationship different to a friendship. Again, if she was older then perhaps she’d feel differently, but at 40 it’s a long time.

It’s awful all round and I feel so sorry for the OP’s partner too of course.

Stratfordplace · 08/04/2021 14:07

Serious illness is sometimes compounded by depression. His life has changed and so has the Ops. If the partner is struggling with work, serious debilitating illness and depression s as me they have a young baby then they really need to sit down and talk. Perhaps the Op’s feelings predated the illness and things were not good before.

SnuggyBuggy · 08/04/2021 14:10

Surely no decent person would begrudge the hypothetical fourth degree tear partner expressing his feelings and frustrations about the situation to an impartial party? Or are we not allowed to vent and talk about the difficult side of situations like this?

bbbbbbbbbccccc · 08/04/2021 14:10

[quote loveheartss]@bbbbbbbbbccccc but that's the thing, I wouldn't necessarily expect a partner to stand by me in this situation, and I certainly wouldn't want them to stay if they saw me as ball and chain who was going to weigh down the rest of their life.

Life isn't fair is it? We can only do what we feel is right.[/quote]
So you have been where the OP's partner is have you Loveheartss? Exhausted, experiencing chronic pain, the function of your bladder and bowel impaired and facing a lifetime of potential impotence? While I acknowledge its tough for the OP it is undoubtedly absolutely wretched for the partner. Most of us would hope for some support from our partners in the short term. We may not expect it in the very long term. However at least enough to gain support from services and get benefits together, gain some realistic insight as to how life will be etc.

loveheartss · 08/04/2021 14:12

@bbbbbbbbbccccc Which is why I said generally. All I'm saying is I think as it was OP who started this thread to vent/get advice/encounter people who had been in similar situations it is their feelings I am considering the most when responding.

I think OP is already aware that her partner hasn't got it easy. I don't consider myself to not be an empathetic person but I do consider myself to be a realist. We don't all live in a fantasy world where true love conquers all hardship. It is not always enough.

I really don't think the traumatic birth comparison holds much weight truthfully. If sex is a big part of what you need in a relationship (and OP hasn't said that here btw, I am taking what you said in your example) then that's just the way it is. Harsh? Yes, perhaps. But what can you do. OP hasn't said this is just about sex. She doesn't want to become her partners carer. That is a valid feeling to her current situation.

bbbbbbbbbccccc · 08/04/2021 14:12

@SnuggyBuggy

Surely no decent person would begrudge the hypothetical fourth degree tear partner expressing his feelings and frustrations about the situation to an impartial party? Or are we not allowed to vent and talk about the difficult side of situations like this?
Depends on if they were calling the woman 'old before her time' and wanting to leave asap.