Partner old before his time

[Trustisamust]

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

While I can see that life must be difficult for the OP. I cant help but feel absolutely wretched for her poor partner. To be honest you probably need to put a deadline of say 5 years on the relationship. To see what transpires. To help your partner settle into his new way of living with the disability and to see if you can grow together out of this crisis. If you cant do that then at least you are not leaving him at his most vulnerable. And as others have said...bear in mind it might be YOU looking for the charity and humanity of others in the future. So treat your partner as you would like to be treated with love, dignity and respect. At least allow him time to understand what has happened to him and to put security measures in place. Personally I find putting your need for sex above everything else, odd. But I am not you.

If you dont have much idea about sex outside of PIV then it would be cheaper to see a sex therapist than pay for 2 separate households and do online dating. Eating out and holidays...can you afford it often anyway with so many kids? Also will you do that loads as a single parent? Over the next couple of years you may find there are ways to adapt that are really creative once you are not so shocked and tired.

@claretblue79

There's a lot of venom and aggression directed towards the OP here, who presumably wanted to vent and is going through a tough time herself. Life isn't black and white and the OP is clearly trying to work through her feelings in a considered way. Everyone reacts differently to life events and I don't know what condemning the OP achieves really.

Anyway, to@Trustisamust, I haven't been in your shoes but I just wanted to wish you well. If you need a place to talk through things through without judgement then Samaritans are very good.

That is not true. People are not being venomous or aggressive, they are just speaking plainly. Nobody has said that it is bad of the OP not to love her partner enough to stay. Many have said quite the opposite. They are just helping her recognise that this is the core issue.

OP I’ve been reading through the replies and I do actually feel sorry for you. I suspect the older it is when something like this happens to a partner the easier would be.

I’m a similar age to you so living in a sexless marriage for the next 40 years doesn’t fill me with delight. If I was say 65, I feel I would definitely be able to cope with it better. At 40 it would be hard.

I don’t know what to say other than that but I do agree it must be tough

Theoretically we are all just one accident away from being that person who is now limited, life has been changed and this impacts everyone else around them.

Yes, this is true. And I think that fear is what sits behind all these angry, judgemental responses, which the OP has probably already rehearsed in her own mind many times.

OP, I can imagine you are terrified of the future right now. I can only echo those who have exercised a little empathy and urge you not to make too many decisions while things are still so new. You are completely entitled to your feelings, ignore those who are trying to shame you (why someone would want to heap scorn on a stranger who has posted in the middle of a terrible situation is beyond me, perhaps they could try taking their own advice and thinking how they would like to be treated).

• get some counselling for yourself
• follow up the advice on support for families with spinal injuries
• find out about financial support/care services - this is something your partner could surely do?
• have you sorted out childcare for your return to work? You say you love your job, so that will be a good element in your life - will take you outside the situation at home and make you feel more normal.
• lockdown is coming to an end - you will be able to have a more normal life with your daughter and friends - toddler groups, socialising, summer is coming and hopefully good weather.

It may be that you move to a co-parenting arrangement with your partner and you cease to live together. But that doesn't have to happen NOW. It sounds like you are both still reeling, and it's not surprising. Give yourself time - possibly a couple of years or more.

Oh, and ignore the spiteful/gleeful 'menopause is just around the corner' comments. I'm 55, decidedly post-menopause and sex has remained important throughout with my husband. Having lived in one rather sexless, joyless marriage, I can absolutely relate to why you find it important. Again, don't be ashamed of it.

Good luck. xx

Nobody has said that it is bad of the OP not to love her partner enough to stay.

There are people giving comparisons and marks out of 10 that tend to be to the detriment of OP - as if love can be quantified like that and goes lockstop with willingness to embrace self-sacrifice (and the degree of this varies with the dynamic of the relationship). iirc, someone called Shakespeare wrote a play that hinged on that (albeit parent-child rather than romantic). It ended up with all sorts of madness on a heath and bloodshed.

When I was a single mum, a nurse, I had no choice but to reduce my hours. It worked reasonably well, because the shifts and no family close by, was exhausting. I think I got Tax Credits which bumped up pay. It’s not that your partner has just decided to “give up work/take to the sofa. He’s ill. Incapacitated. I’d call Citizens advice or some such and check if you’re eligible in those circumstances.

I’m probably naive but, your situation is not of your making and there’s only so thinly you can spread yourself love, before you’re I’ll.

As for the person saying they had to go without sex for two years, can you really not see the difference between that and not ever being able to have sex again, aged 40?

Hang on a minute @OnwardsAndSideways1, I merely gave my own experience. We had no idea at the time if it would be for a number of months or years or if it would be permanent. In fact, we had no idea if I would still be alive, so please don't imply that I was comparing like for like as that's not what I said.

What I did say is that we supported each other through it because we love each other. We didn't know what the outcome would be but neither of us considered leaving the other. If the OP decides to leave her partner, that's entirely up to her, not everyone loves someone enough to stay in those circumstances.

@TableFlowerss

OP I’ve been reading through the replies and I do actually feel sorry for you. I suspect the older it is when something like this happens to a partner the easier would be.

I’m a similar age to you so living in a sexless marriage for the next 40 years doesn’t fill me with delight. If I was say 65, I feel I would definitely be able to cope with it better. At 40 it would be hard.

I don’t know what to say other than that but I do agree it must be tough

Doesnt have to be sexless. There is more to a sex life than PIV

In fact if PIV was all that was on offer most women would never orgasm

OP I think you're being given a very hard time on here.

Things that stood out to me were that your DP hasn't been very good at doing the exercises that would help his condition and that you've mentioned counselling but he's not keen. I know it must be very hard but he doesn't seem to be prepared to meet you half way yet.

There has been a lot of focus on your comment about the relationship moving to a sexless one but I understand that your concern is understandably more about becoming your partners carer, which you don't want.

You've both been dealt a cruel blow. I would suggest that you go for counselling by yourself to talk everything through. If you then decide that you want to leave, then there is no judgement from me.

Ive got to say..what sort of a world would it be if we all walked away from others when they were ill or very vulnerable. Not giving them a chance to at least gain a semblance of security and equilibrium first before walking out the door? At least give the poor man some time to get his head around what is going on. And if you cant be creative with sex and you are desperate to get your own needs met then leave. However give him a chance!

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn

OP I think you're being given a very hard time on here.

Things that stood out to me were that your DP hasn't been very good at doing the exercises that would help his condition and that you've mentioned counselling but he's not keen. I know it must be very hard but he doesn't seem to be prepared to meet you half way yet.

There has been a lot of focus on your comment about the relationship moving to a sexless one but I understand that your concern is understandably more about becoming your partners carer, which you don't want.

You've both been dealt a cruel blow. I would suggest that you go for counselling by yourself to talk everything through. If you then decide that you want to leave, then there is no judgement from me.

Its all very well talking about counselling yada yada...but than man is exhausted recovering from 2 very tough operations. He needs energy back before he can consider counselling. People talk about counselling like its a holiday. Counselling can be a tough and rigorous process that requires a lot from the individual. It may be appropriate in the future. He needs some space at the moment to come to terms with his current situation.

@bbbbbbbbbccccc I think that poster was suggesting the OP go to counselling alone to work through her feelings and understand how she is feeling better.

It is not unusual in her circumstances to want to run, I think a lot of people would struggle to come to terms with this.

Of course you are free to leave or stay.
If you've fallen out of love and not sure you want to stay with him you can leave. You can leave for any reason at all.

I wasn't sure what that syndrome was so I looked it up. Was it from a slipped disc originally?

The more he works at getting well, the better chance he'll have.
Do you think he may be depressed from this?

You can be intimate without penetration, sometimes that is even nicer.

Give him time, op, if he loves you and you show him love, you will want to be close and affectionate. He is probably demoralised at the moment, it must take time to come to terms with something like this but all is not lost.

Good luck.

[quote loveheartss]@bbbbbbbbbccccc I think that poster was suggesting the OP go to counselling alone to work through her feelings and understand how she is feeling better.

It is not unusual in her circumstances to want to run, I think a lot of people would struggle to come to terms with this.[/quote]
She suggested that because he wasn't keen for counselling he wasn't meeting the OP 'hard way'. This poor man has been through the mill in the last 9 months and is exhausted. No wonder he isnt keen to now go through a rigorous counselling process when he lacks energy and is working full time. He needs amount to at least consider what is going on. If the OP wants to go for counselling all well and good. But someone will have to look after the kids while she does that. Will it be him? Its a tough time for the OP but the partner is the one who is really suffering. Poor bastard.

half way

@jessstan2

You can be intimate without penetration, sometimes that is even nicer.

Give him time, op, if he loves you and you show him love, you will want to be close and affectionate. He is probably demoralised at the moment, it must take time to come to terms with something like this but all is not lost.

Good luck.

This. Which is why 'running away' now is unlikely to helpful in the long run. Time is needed to consolidate what the future could hold and whether staying together will be helpful for either.

It makes me sad to think that when we enter relationships the likelihood is that our partner will up sticks and leave almost immediately if we become ill or an inconvenience to them. Without even the option of seeing how the relationship will develop for a reasonable period of time after the event.

This is so tremendously difficult. I have no solution because there are no winners here whatever you choose to do. Our daughter in her 20s has been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and we are all devastated. They were due to get married this year but she called it off as it was too much for her. They are moving house to be closer to us for help and support. I would be tremendously upset if he left her as I know it would break her heart. At the same time I would in no way blame him for anything at all. I would say that he continues to love and support her despite everything else and we move the world to help them both.

I really am very sorry for your situation and feel very sad for you. If you leave you will carry that guilt forever and if you stay the resentment may well build. I wish you the very best with whatever decision you make and it really will not be easy.

Good luck Op

Poor guy , I feel sorry for him being with someone whose love was conditional on him being young and fit.

@AaSaat

This is so tremendously difficult. I have no solution because there are no winners here whatever you choose to do. Our daughter in her 20s has been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and we are all devastated. They were due to get married this year but she called it off as it was too much for her. They are moving house to be closer to us for help and support. I would be tremendously upset if he left her as I know it would break her heart. At the same time I would in no way blame him for anything at all. I would say that he continues to love and support her despite everything else and we move the world to help them both.

I really am very sorry for your situation and feel very sad for you. If you leave you will carry that guilt forever and if you stay the resentment may well build. I wish you the very best with whatever decision you make and it really will not be easy.

Good luck Op

She wont necessarily 'carry the guilt' if in all good conscience she waited for a period of time to allow the relationship to settle to insure he has what he needs to continue on without her if that was to happen. Thats very different to racing out of the door 9 months after his illness because she needs sex and is worried about being his carer even thought at the current time she isnt.

Let's hope this man has some great friends and extended family around him. I have a feeling he is going to need them.

Nobody has said that it is bad of the OP not to love her partner enough to stay

People absolutely have said this. Doubtless these people considered themselves 'kind' whilst being absolutely vile to someone going through a terrible situation.