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Original poster

Partner old before his time

504 replies

Trustisamust · 07/04/2021 23:37

I just don't know what to do, maybe I just need to vent?

I met my fiancé when he was 41 and I was 36; we were both in good health. He suffered from minor back problems but that was all. He was very physically active still.

When he was 45 and I was 39 we decided to have a child together (his first, my third) - she is now 10 months.

About eight weeks after she was born he was rushed into hospital when he suddenly stopped being able to wee.

He has subsequently has had two major spinal ops and found to have a rare syndrome. As a consequence his sexual function is impaired and (to a far lesser extent luckily) his bowel and bladder functions.

I hope this doesn't sound awful, but it's like living with an old man. He does what he can with our baby but all of the night wakings fall on me to do (he's on so many meds he rattles) as well as the early morning care because his mobility is particularly bad then.

I'm 40 and would say I'm a "young" 40, but he has aged so much he's almost like a 70 year-old. We used to have a really fulfilling and close relationship but it's not like that any more.

I'm back to work ft time soon and I'm already exhausted.

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
Clymene · 08/04/2021 10:47

This is a 5 year relationship and people are expecting the OP to spend the next 40 as a carer.

Gothichouse40 · 08/04/2021 10:51

From what you say I don't get the impression you were ever really commited to this man. I cannot tell you what to do. I suffer from poor health, my partner has been my rock and heaven knows what Id do if they left me, but we have been together over 30 years. I really don't understand why you had a child and stayed. Especially if you feel like this now, relationships go through good and bad times. We all get older. There is no point staying though if you really wish to leave. What I will say is the grass isn't always greener....

AcornAutumn · 08/04/2021 10:51

OP I thought this post was going to be something completely different. He's ill, not old.

When you got engaged, did you not think about "in sickness and in health"?

What if it happens to you tomorrow? What kind of partner would he be? My guess is a supportive one.

It's your life, you are under no obligations. But if you look for another partner, look at casual only. I don't do relationships so no judgement, i'm just saying you are maybe more that kind of person. I don't want to stick around no matter what but I never got near making the promise, seems odd that you got engaged.

Wondering if it's Cauda Equine that he has.

Rukaya · 08/04/2021 10:52

This is a 5 year relationship and people are expecting the OP to spend the next 40 as a carer

I don't think anyone is expecting that at all. I think they are just wondering why she is so desperate to leave him so quickly, before the extent of the issue can even be apparent yet.

It may well be the best thing for OP to leave. But its the fast "fuck this, he's an old man who can't have sex as of 10 minutes ago, I'm out of here" that shocks people.

HaveringWavering · 08/04/2021 10:52

@Clymene

This is a 5 year relationship and people are expecting the OP to spend the next 40 as a carer.
The man is able to work, parent and do things like create fun treasure hunts. He is not cognitively impaired. The main issue is that he is impotent, gets tired and things like going out and going on holiday are more faff. Do not belittle people with real caring responsibilities by suggesting OP will have to be his ‘carer”.
AcornAutumn · 08/04/2021 10:53

@Clymene

This is a 5 year relationship and people are expecting the OP to spend the next 40 as a carer.
No

But she sounds unaware she could be in the same situation herself.

supercatlady · 08/04/2021 10:54

PIP isn’t means tested so he can receive it while working. www.gov.uk/pip/what-youll-get
You could put some towards a cleaner to help with some of the housework.
Do you have any family who could help with the baby to give you some uninterrupted rest? Sleep deprivation wears you down so much and it’s not the best time to be making big decisions.
Take care

DianaT1969 · 08/04/2021 10:55

Yes, I don't think the OP is claiming to be his carer.

Isitsixoclockalready · 08/04/2021 10:55

[quote OnwardsAndSideways1]@EmbarrassingAdmissions great minds think alike. There's a lot of pressure on women to love, come what may.

As for the person saying they had to go without sex for two years, can you really not see the difference between that and not ever being able to have sex again, aged 40?[/quote]
You are right and in either situation, it's hard to expect the man or woman to go the rest of their life without sex if it's important to them (and it is normal for it to be important). It's a hard situation to be in and there is no way that I would feel like being judgemental towards someone if they feel like they couldn't cope.

I have heard of situations whereby a couple had been going to split up and then one of them has been diagnosed with a condition and the healthy partner has essentially stayed and had to end up being the carer. It's such a hard situation and one that any of us could end up in. Thank goodness at least something wonderful has come of the OP's relationship (i.e. a daughter) so whatever happens, they have that shared bond and wish to look after the interests of the child.

DianaT1969 · 08/04/2021 10:59

There are a few posts saying that it's understandable that she should want to leave because the nature of the relationship changed. No sex, holidays more difficult, reduced earning potential. If this was about a woman who didn't want sex and couldn't earn much due to having young children, we wouldn't be saying it's ok to check out and leave. Many couples have a reduced sex life in the early years of having children.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 08/04/2021 11:03

@DianaT1969

There are a few posts saying that it's understandable that she should want to leave because the nature of the relationship changed. No sex, holidays more difficult, reduced earning potential. If this was about a woman who didn't want sex and couldn't earn much due to having young children, we wouldn't be saying it's ok to check out and leave. Many couples have a reduced sex life in the early years of having children.
What the OP said was:

I worry about the future but I feel cruel putting this down in words because I know it's not really his fault. I guess I don't know what to do?

A lot of interpretation is in play because of her updates in which she mentions sex in addition to other apprehensions about their future. She's plainly exhausted and struggling with the notion of how she'll cope when she is FT at work.

A lot of the responses here seem to be from people who haven't faced anything like a comparable set of circumstances - I'd suggest the OP needs to locate a 'Friends and Family' support network for this rare condition and chat with people who understand rather than judge her for wanting to air the issues she is facing.

Stratfordplace · 08/04/2021 11:04

I feel that the man would be better off without someone who resented having to care for him a having a reduced lifestyle. He’s in a great deal of pain and he could concentrate on himself.

Original poster
Trustisamust · 08/04/2021 11:04

@DianaT1969 it's not just holidays - it's also going out in general.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trustisamust · 08/04/2021 11:05

And this isn't just about a few years without sex either. This is permanent.

OP posts:
HaveringWavering · 08/04/2021 11:08

@Trustisamust

And this isn't just about a few years without sex either. This is permanent.
And this is what I keep trying to say- with sex out of the equation, the part that remains is clearly not enough for you. Other people (like my SIL) have had different experiences, probably because they love their partners more. It’s not your fault you don’t love him enough, nor is it his fault. But you need to face up to that.
LaurieFairyCake · 08/04/2021 11:09

I think the thing that would bother me most is the not going out somewhere for more than half an hour - and not going on holiday without the special mattress

I wonder if there are work arounds for the above - electric wheelchair with bespoke padding so he can access theatres/Cinemas/restaurants?

Plus a roll up version of a mattress you can take on holiday and put it over a hotel mattress?

It's very early to make decisions about your lives during Covid and when you're coming to terms with the change - but you never have to become a carer for someone if you don't want to Thanks

ElphabaTheGreen · 08/04/2021 11:09

@Trustisamust

And this isn't just about a few years without sex either. This is permanent.
You’re not responding to the multiple posts who have asked if it’s Cauda Equina Syndrome that he’s got. In which case, there is bags of support, advice, counselling, carer support, you name it, via the Spinal Injuries Association. Sex is probably top of the list of issues they provide advice on, right along side bladder and bowel. They are quite adamant that a life with spinal cord injury does not mean a life without sex.
SouthernBounce · 08/04/2021 11:18

I was told a story recently of a couple getting together as youngsters. The girl fell very ill and had a long hospital stay, it was the last she saw of him, he never visited, not once.

Decades later, she had long since made a full recovery and was now working as a nurse in a hospital. Her former partner is admitted as one of her patients, gravely ill with diabetes which has had the worst possible impact including blindness.
It transpires he had been utterly alone during his illness and had been for a long time, no one ever came to visit him.
Even so, feeling sorry for him, she was still kind enough to give him care above and beyond what was expected of her, she would never have wished that on him or anyone, but fate had other ideas.

We never know when the shoe might end up on the other foot.

samenwitch · 08/04/2021 11:27

If something happened to my DH and he couldn't have sex anymore, leaving him would not even be part of the equation. He's not just my lover, he's my absolute best friend and I can't bear the thought of living without him. I think, if you don't feel that way now, you won't grow to. You'll grow to resent him. So if I were in your position I would leave and I would also be clear that it was definitely me and my capacity to cope rather than him and his condition.

AcornAutumn · 08/04/2021 11:29

@Stratfordplace

I feel that the man would be better off without someone who resented having to care for him a having a reduced lifestyle. He’s in a great deal of pain and he could concentrate on himself.
Yes, I'm actually thinking how people manage alone in that situation because it could easily be me. When I had a spinal injury, I struggled in the morning but just got on and went to work.

He might be better alone in some ways, you know you're not annoying anyone and you can have space set up as you need it.

Mauhhq · 08/04/2021 11:33

My partner and I are in our 30s, only been together for 2 years not married yet, my partner received his cancer diagnosis last year, we were devastated, however it was early stage and he is recovering now. He also has chronic pain and other health conditions. At that time as soon as my family found out, my mum would phone me up every day asking me to break up with him, run! saying things like you don’t want to be a career for the rest of your life, what if you become a young widow, you can pass this down to kids, you waste your fertility years etc.

I stayed, I don’t regret the choice I made, yes my partner has more health issues than my grandparents, however there are many other things he brings to my life, we share many goals and interests together, he is super intelligent, we are emotionally compatible and he is my only soulmate in this world. Our love to each other is unconditional, he makes me feel my life is worth living and has a purpose.

Yes it was very hard at that time, I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemies, I am now estranged from my family as well because I didn’t break up with him. My mental health suffered and experienced frequent crying spells last year. I also lost respect for many family members and saw how nasty and heartless people could be.

It also depends on how much you love him, we love each other 10/10, I know if I left I wouldn’t be able to find someone to replace him. If it had been my previous boyfriend who I only loved 6/10, it might have been different though.

Good luck!

HazelBite · 08/04/2021 11:42

I think the OP needs to draw breath and wait, there are so many factors going on here that are seriously impacting on her life. New baby, pandemic, sick partner, its all really too much to cope with,
Most people have difficulties with just one of these factors but the Op has all three and is feeling trapped and panicky, very understandable.
The reality is, the baby will grow older, will sleep (eventually), the pandemic will ease, and with time, hopefully when the various NHS services are less stressed, her partner will have some support and things may improve (not as they were) but a new way of life.

I think that when things in life are going wrong it is a natural instinct to want to "change" things in a hope that this will improve your life, generally all quite major things like your job, partner, home etc. Decisions made at times like these are often completely the wrong thing to do.
My advice is to wait until the pandemic has subsided, give your partner and child a little time. Your child has two very anxious parents at the moment, this could be affecting her, she is still very young!

Take your time draw breath, see if you are entitled to any benefits or able, due to your circumstances, to go onto the social housing list.
But please do not make any major life decisions at the moment while things are so very awful Flowers

henni85 · 08/04/2021 11:43

OP, it is ok to feel that everything is shit and your partner is not the person you fell in love with. You need to be able to express this and work through it, for yourself. The situation couldn’t have come at a worse time with you having a baby.

Expressing how you feel doesn’t make you a bad person. You are actually grieving for the person your partner was and a life that you both no longer have. It’s bloody hard to process.

I would possibly suggest that you get some counselling for you, so you can get some non judgmental help to work through how you feel. Do this before making any long term decisions.

I suppose I am fortunate that I knew my partner is disabled when I met him. Some days are really tough. I am also expecting a baby and fully expect that I will have to do most of the parenting, which sometimes terrifies me.

Also look into PIP, it’s not loads but might help a bit. Hope things work out, whatever you decide to do

claretblue79 · 08/04/2021 11:43

There's a lot of venom and aggression directed towards the OP here, who presumably wanted to vent and is going through a tough time herself. Life isn't black and white and the OP is clearly trying to work through her feelings in a considered way. Everyone reacts differently to life events and I don't know what condemning the OP achieves really.

Anyway, to@Trustisamust, I haven't been in your shoes but I just wanted to wish you well. If you need a place to talk through things through without judgement then Samaritans are very good.

Spudbyanyothername · 08/04/2021 11:44

I think you are looking for a lot of people to say it’s ok to leave him. MN is good at that.

I don’t think it is ok, on the face of it. It’s only just happened and you have a little baby. Even if it’s permanent or progressive, you’ve given it no time to adapt.
How about review in 5 years. Get counselling. Find other ways for sexual intimacy with your DP. Think of your daughter, what’s best for her.

The idea my DP might leave with my only child after I had a serious illness/surgery and adapting/ restarting work with a disability. I’d say that was pretty cruel.