My husband is too fat and unfit for sex

[SummerHurryUp]

Today it's 3 months since we last tried to have sex. God knows when the last successful time was.

Since working from home since February 2020, by husband has ballooned in weight and just become completely lazy. He sits on his computer all day everyday, even when not working. I guess going for a 20 minute walk and he says he has better things to do (go on the computer).

Another unfortunate consequence is he can't have sex. He has trouble getting and staying hard for longer than two minutes, but a bigger issue is he physically doesn't have the stamina. He will become very sweaty and tired, and he has type 1 diabetes which makes him feel unwell after about 30 seconds of activity.

He went to the doctor last summer, and was prescribed viagra. But he doesn't want to take it because he says it feels too clinical. So he seems to be happy living in a sexless marriage, but I am not. I feel very depressed about it. I feel trapped and like I will never have sex again. We are both nearly 30 and every time I bring it up he gets angry and sticks his head in the sand.

He won't diet, and he doesn't want to change

And OP I also thing the whole I don’t want to take viagra thing is very very odd .

Sounds like his diabetes and his lifestyle rather than his weight. BMI 29 is overweight but only a bit, easily fixed with some motivation.
I would tell him you're unhappy and considering leaving as you do not want a sexless marriage with someone who refuses to address their health. Perhaps this will be enough to jolt him into wanting to address things - I'm sure he does love you.

BMI 29 is overweight but only a bit, easily fixed with some motivation

No, it's the highest end of overweight, just one number off the obese category.

He's not obese and has a poorly managed condition since childhood. His weight may not be it. He might just not want sex with you OP. Which is not what you'll want to hear -

Is he someone who would have a frank chat about all this?

Imagine you just carry on like this. Before you k ow you will be forty and the older you get the harder it will be to start again. Don't waste your precious childbearing years waiting for him to want to resume sex with you because if he does not want to now, he won't change. Diabetics often have ED but most would be concerned and want to get it sorted out. He has been given Viagra but does not want to.try to use it even. That would be a deal-breaker for me. You deserve a sex life. Don't settle without one or having children. You will regret it forever.

29....

GET OUT...

I thought you were going to say 49...

No, it's the highest end of overweight, just one number off the obese category.

Yeah, it's overweight but a BMI of 29 is imminently fixable which was what I was saying. OP could immediately leave her husband, or she could tell him that his behaviour is driving her to consider this. It might be the motivation he needs to lose some weight and get on top of his heath condition. He is only 29 years old, this is well enough time to turn things around if his wife lets him know how miserable she is feeling. If he doesn't want to address it then sure, leave while she's young enough, but seeing as op loved him enough to marry him in the first place it might be worth attempting to fix first.

If it was op who was overweight and the husband who wanted sex, you’d all be saying something different.

What a bunch of nasty bags

Also, does no one ever give advice that isn't leaving immediately any more? It may be the ultimate solution for OP, but her DH could turn things round very quickly if he wants to following a frank conversation with OP. That step doesn't seem to have been taken yet.

Couples can go through (and resolve) a lot with a bit of effort on both sides before breaking up is put on the table. Of course op shouldn't waste years more of her life, but there is a couple of things to try first here.

This would be a deal breaker if you ask me. A sexless marriage at 29? Before you've had any kids? You should both still fancy the pants off eachother and want to look good for eachother and if he isn't bothered now he won't be ever and not if you have kids. He will likely get fatter too if he isn't bothered. You could end up with a 30 something husband with a breathing mask at night who cant do normal things with you who you dont like because hes got like that and who might die young leaving you a widow. You obviously love him because hes your DH but that love might get hard as you feel like he doesn't care about you or your marriage. You need to talk to him again and know if you want to stay if he wants to stay like he is. I would leave I think and if I wanted children I'd have to.

@PferdeMerde

If it was op who was overweight and the husband who wanted sex, you’d all be saying something different.

What a bunch of nasty bags

Exactly this...I know its Easter and all that but Ffs crucifixion or what!

@Ploughingthrough

No, it's the highest end of overweight, just one number off the obese category.

Yeah, it's overweight but a BMI of 29 is imminently fixable which was what I was saying. OP could immediately leave her husband, or she could tell him that his behaviour is driving her to consider this. It might be the motivation he needs to lose some weight and get on top of his heath condition. He is only 29 years old, this is well enough time to turn things around if his wife lets him know how miserable she is feeling. If he doesn't want to address it then sure, leave while she's young enough, but seeing as op loved him enough to marry him in the first place it might be worth attempting to fix first.

You said he was overweight, but only a bit.

She said every time she brings it up he gets angry and sticks his head in the sand. It sounds like she has tried to fix it.

I guess only the OP will know whether she wants to give him another chance to fix it now that it's got to this point because she has already tried so if she feels like she is ready to end it and move on then that is also perfectly fine.

She's at the point now where she's tried speaking to him and feels very depressed and trapped, so she doesn't owe him another chance if that's how she is already feeling.

*Also, does no one ever give advice that isn't leaving immediately any more? It may be the ultimate solution for OP, but her DH could turn things round very quickly if he wants to following a frank conversation with OP. That step doesn't seem to have been taken yet.

Couples can go through (and resolve) a lot with a bit of effort on both sides before breaking up is put on the table. Of course op shouldn't waste years more of her life, but there is a couple of things to try first here.*

The problem there is that when there are issues in a relationship and someone has tried to talk lots of times in the past and is met with anger or burying their head in the sand then it often gets to a point where the relationship is pretty much ruined anyway.

I think the most important question the OP needs to ask herself first of all is does she want to save this relationship if he is willing to change?
It's fine to end it if too much love has been lost (which is often the case after repeated attempts to resolve issues fail)

But if she does want to save the relationship then she should definitely lay her cards on the table with a dealbreaker conversation!

I quoted your other post @Ploughingthrough in the middle of mine, but mumsnet formatting didn't work again!

When you first said your husband was to fat and unfit for sex I thought he was older than 29/30 and heavier than 14 stone. You noticed he does not want to even go for a walk. Along with this he is T1 diabetic and he not managing this properly. This sounds like the ed problem is due to his diabetics.
At this stage I know you're not happy with your current situation so it time you sit down and told him that your unhappy over the ed, he weight and the fact that he not managing his diabetics. I give him a chance to tell you how he feels and what he is going to do to improve things between you.
If you don't see him making an effort within the next 3 months I would end things with him.

As pp says, the issue sounds more like side effects of T1 diabetes
www.diabetes.co.uk/diabetes-and-sex.html. ,
Possibly lower levels of testosterone as well also linked with diabetes, this can cause fatigue, Ed etc

Unfortunately this is all down to him to manage

Manage?
FFS. Here we go again. People making assumptions on T1 Diabetes.

Diabetes can be extremely difficult to manage. Some peoples are just easier than others. Some aren't. Despite constant attention and effort, some are just brittle and a right pain in the arse!

The fatigue that you sometimes get.

It's an incredibly intrusive disease. 24/7.
I probably make up to 40-50 decisions every day based on my current blood sugars and what I'm planning on doing next.
Before I've even opened my eyes I think : am I ok, have I been low, .... I need 10 grams but no I'm going to reduce that down to 5 because I plan to walk with Ds2.......

ED and all the other things listed are very common in diabetics whose diabetes is WELL controlled, with a good hba1c!

@Oblomov21, no offence intended
one of my work colleagues is T1, and he has told several times all the things he has to do to manage his condition.

The point I was trying to make is that the OP is simply saying “too fat and unfit for sex”, is grossly unfair, and that both types of diabetes can have drastically effects on sexual function and claiming someone is too unfit is being quite dismissive

I understand what people are saying, but he has absolutely no wish to improve things diet and health wise. His diet is crisps, chocolate, sweets, fizzy drinks, cakes etc. Plus due to other factors (which would be outing ) he is at increased risk of health issues if his bmi is over 27.5. His waist size is also 42 inches.

Your marriage isn't sustainable. You're not his carer. You're so young. Please, for the love of God, get out of this and spend some time being single.

@SummerHurryUp

I understand what people are saying, but he has absolutely no wish to improve things diet and health wise. His diet is crisps, chocolate, sweets, fizzy drinks, cakes etc. Plus due to other factors (which would be outing ) he is at increased risk of health issues if his bmi is over 27.5. His waist size is also 42 inches.

I've just read this. Well, he's a twat. He's walking into an early grave. He's responsible for himself. Just walk away for goodness sake. I don't even understand why you would want to have sex with him, he sounds gross in so many ways.

@Oblomov21

Manage? FFS. Here we go again. People making assumptions on T1 Diabetes.

Diabetes can be extremely difficult to manage. Some peoples are just easier than others. Some aren't. Despite constant attention and effort, some are just brittle and a right pain in the arse!

The fatigue that you sometimes get.

It's an incredibly intrusive disease. 24/7.
I probably make up to 40-50 decisions every day based on my current blood sugars and what I'm planning on doing next.
Before I've even opened my eyes I think : am I ok, have I been low, .... I need 10 grams but no I'm going to reduce that down to 5 because I plan to walk with Ds2.......

ED and all the other things listed are very common in diabetics whose diabetes is WELL controlled, with a good hba1c!

It really annoys me as well.

There was a thread on MN a few months ago where posters were saying the OPs partner was abusive because he sometimes swears when he has a severe hypo and if he loved her he wouldn’t have them.

Like us type ones are somehow meant to be superhuman and fully control our brains when we are literally suffering brain damage and will die without immediate intervention.

I wasn’t the only type one commenting, but funnily enough the type ones were completely ignored or told we’re stupid abuse sympathisers.

People just don’t get, there are so many things I can’t do without forward planning, a walk or any form of exercise, a nap, a meal, a work meeting, any event, sex (unless I just literally lay there, and even with forward planning often your body goes “ha, not today mate”). I’m getting married at the end of the month, my day will spent focusing on my diabetes because the excitement, nerves etc will do wonderful things to my levels, I won’t get to relax and actually just enjoy the first day of being married to my partner.

I caught covid recently, when I get ill I always get really ill which is huge fun, but then my diabetes comes along and makes things worse as illness has a huge huge impact on my levels. I was hospitalised when I had covid, not because of breathing etc, but because I couldn’t control my diabetes. We’re now like about ten weeks later and I’m still having significant control issues, I’m still having to wake twice every single night as I’m just too unpredictable at the minute to safely sleep for seven hours.

Mine is similar. He's 49, morbidly obese, has to take BP tablets which then make it difficult to get an erection. He will take Viagra and still wants sex, but I don't really so he blames it on me. He's so limited and wants me to do all the work and the puffing and panting. It's just such a turn off. I feel a cow for saying that, because he's a lovely bloke. He constantly worries about chest pains and having a heart attack, but carries on eating huge portions washed down with beer. I'm just lost on what to do.

Can you see yourself loving like this for the next 5 years OP? How about 10, 20, 30? If you can’t then something needs to change. I think I’d seriously be considering leaving him.

Living, not loving 🙄

Do you have kids OP? Do you have somewhere you could go if you choose to leave or separate?