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Original poster

My husband is too fat and unfit for sex

131 replies

SummerHurryUp · 04/04/2021 13:16

Today it's 3 months since we last tried to have sex. God knows when the last successful time was.

Since working from home since February 2020, by husband has ballooned in weight and just become completely lazy. He sits on his computer all day everyday, even when not working. I guess going for a 20 minute walk and he says he has better things to do (go on the computer).

Another unfortunate consequence is he can't have sex. He has trouble getting and staying hard for longer than two minutes, but a bigger issue is he physically doesn't have the stamina. He will become very sweaty and tired, and he has type 1 diabetes which makes him feel unwell after about 30 seconds of activity.

He went to the doctor last summer, and was prescribed viagra. But he doesn't want to take it because he says it feels too clinical. So he seems to be happy living in a sexless marriage, but I am not. I feel very depressed about it. I feel trapped and like I will never have sex again. We are both nearly 30 and every time I bring it up he gets angry and sticks his head in the sand.

He won't diet, and he doesn't want to change Sad

OP posts:
ElizaCBennett · 04/04/2021 18:21

You are so young to put up with this! Life is short; you need to think about what you want from life. If this not it then make plans to change. Give him the option of bucking his ideas up or you’re off. It’s not just about the sex it’s his whole attitude; he may be happy the way things are but you are not.

RantyAnty · 04/04/2021 18:38

I thought you were talking about someone with a BMI in the 40s!

If he gave up a couple of junk meals each week and walked 30 minutes a day, he'd be much fitter in no time.

With him being on the computer so much, I suspect a porn addiction.

Samedaysameshit · 04/04/2021 18:46

I’m 5’10” and ran the London marathon in 4 hours at 14 stone, well maybe 13’10 or so.
So it’s not a weight that should affect you that much.
I think there must be something else going on.

sergeilavrov · 04/04/2021 18:52

As other posters have raised, your DH is not obese, and has the pressure of managing a complex health condition during a global pandemic where everything has changed. Most people have been less mobile as a result: I have an injury that has worsened and now struggle to walk more than 500m unaided, simply because for a while we couldn’t leave our home at all. My DH doesn’t judge me for that at all. I think it would be extraordinarily harsh to draw this line on him. What was your sex life like prepandemic? You need to give him space, make him feel supported in his choices and time once things are back to a new normal to see how things shift.

However, if this is enough to walk away for you, I guess at 29 he can find someone who wants to stick with him through the hard times and the good before he’s wasted his prime.

RedFrogsRule · 04/04/2021 18:53

“Too fat and unfit for sex” is very harsh. His weight isn’t that extreme and I suspect many on this forum lie in that category of BMI.

I suspect his impotence is medical and his depression and inertia is a consequence of that. He is probably expecting the same response from you that this thread so far has given. I feel sorry for him.

That said if you want out of your marriage you have every right to leave.

If you want it to work consider marriage counselling.

Lilybetsey · 04/04/2021 18:55

What’s ‘going on’ is that he has poorly controlled T1 diabetes. He has had this for many years. This will cause damage to nerves and small blood vessels and will commonly lead to erectile dysfunction.
If this is not a serious wake up call to him, then I don’t know what could be, because he is looking at a future of heart disease, dialysis, amputations, blindness and serious ill health ...
but you can’t change him, only he can change him. So I would be laying my cards on the table ....

MammaMiaWallace · 04/04/2021 19:01

You’re both half the age I was expecting. At 29 it doesn’t bode well unless there are some sharp changes (borne from his own desire to ensure this isn’t the future from hereonin)

RedFrogsRule · 04/04/2021 19:06

Supported self management is a recognised process of helping patients change. It’s not enough to have firm words otherwise alcohol, smoking and overheating would never be an issue. Again how many on this forum can admit they drink above the recommended level, overeat or smoke? Everyone knows the risks but choose to ignore or struggle with acting upon it.

Your GP should be able to recommend services that can provide health coaching. This is usually holistic and can tackle mental health, eating, exercise, alcohol, smoking, loneliness etc.

Patients need to choose their priorities and tackle one to start with....this often leads to confidence to tackle another. They get coached to do so. Not available everywhere but definitely investigate. Below link describes the NHS strategy

Supported self management

Sexnotgender · 04/04/2021 19:07

I know our perception of weight is very skewed these days but 14 stone isn’t actually that fat.

I was expecting you to say his BMI was about 40/50.

There’s obviously other factors at play here.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 04/04/2021 19:40

14 stone and he has no stamina? My husband was 32 stone at his heaviest and our sex life was fine. He’s 19 stone now and it’s better than ever.

I think it’s the T1 and his unwillingness to control it here that is the issue not his weight. I’m not immediately thinking you should leave, but I do think you need to tell him he needs to get his diabetes under control as it is having a severely negative effect on you both.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/04/2021 19:53

@SummerHurryUp

He was diagnosed as a young child and we have known each other since our late teens.

He is 5'9 and 14 stone which gives a BMI of 29

He's always handled his diabetes badly and had a bad diet, but the weight gain has been since the start of 2020. I think it's caught up with him now he's nearly 30. His last appointment was middle of last year.

Does he know how much his behaviour is affecting you? I think it's time to have A Talk. To make clear to him how unhappy you are in you marriage, and to ask his to suggest how the situation can be improved. And if he's going to just pretend it's not happening, then yes - it's probably time to exit this marriage. I would hope that you making it plain that you are unhappy would mean something to him.
FTEngineerM · 04/04/2021 20:08

😬 DP is 21 stone (also very tall) and there isn’t these problems, as PPs say it’s definitely about something else and not just weight.

I remember my boyfriend when I was 23 yes fucking 23 saying I was last my prime now when I asked why he never wanted sex with me.

Go get the sex you deserve 😀

LolaSmiles · 04/04/2021 20:14

His overall attitude, refusal to take responsibility for his health and long term refusal to manage his long term health conditions is a huge red flag to me.

Hobbem · 04/04/2021 20:53

@Blueskytoday06

You are not kidding. He would be getting asked how much washing up he does.

I find it amazing the number of people whose first bit of advice is to leave.

WhySoSensitive · 04/04/2021 21:01

I’m 5’9 and 14 stone, I’m visually not a fat person so I think there’s more to this than being unfit or lack of stamina.

I don’t get sweaty and out of breath like you’ve described.
Does he have any other health issues?

Opentooffers · 04/04/2021 21:12

You might actually do him a favour in the long run by leaving him, it might force him to look at his life. If he's stuck his head in the sand and not controlled his diabetes, - he wouldn't be so overweight if he had - he's heading for a short miserablelifespan with cardiac disease, vascular disease, eye problems, as well as ED, and to be frank, if he ever gets covid he'd likely be done for.
As it is, if nothing changes he could last till his 50's maybe, or maybe not. Leg ulcers, amputations etc. It's a grim life ahead if he doesn't change, for you also if you stay. If you go, he'll have to start doing for himself, so I'd start by telling him you can't watch him destroy himself anymore and you are thinking of leaving. Do not have kids with him if not got any yet, he's not currently fit enough and may not be around to help them growing up.

justasking111 · 04/04/2021 22:25

My SIL died in her fifties, she was a regular at the hospice in her last couple of years. Her eating habits were appalling, she became blind, her body rotting away, not even two lovely children and a couple of grandchildren gave her the impetus to take care of her diet. It was grim

ekidmxcl · 04/04/2021 22:31

As others have said, whilst that height and weight combo makes him overweight, it isn’t even obese, nowhere near morbidly obese. So it doesn’t make sense that he has no stamina and has ED aged only 29 at this weight.

If he won’t try to help this situation at all, I would leave.

SameToo · 04/04/2021 22:48

Does sound odd. His BMI or weight to help get ratio isn’t massively off.

moochingtothepub · 04/04/2021 22:51

@BaskingMad

I was thinking the same. Middle aged fair enough but at29 no way. Ultimatum time. He can do it, needs a wake up call

Trustisamust · 04/04/2021 23:01

At 29 and without kids I'd leave.
My OH is 46 and has aged considerably in the past year through no fault of his own. He's had to go through major back surgery as a result of a sudden onset rare condition and he's honestly like a 70 yo.
He struggles with both bladder and sexual function as a result. It's so difficult. I'm only 40 and we have an almost one-year old together. I have no health conditions (for which I'm very grateful).
I'm kind of stuck with him now (I mean that in an 'in sickness and in health' sort of way), but by God I wish things were different. I feel like an old lady way before my time.

Harrymonk7 · 04/04/2021 23:09

This blokes crime is being a bit lazy, a bit overweight. Maybe a bit depressed with lockdown. Seems a bit harsh to just suggest dumping him at the first sign of trouble. If it was that straightforward then I’m not sure why so many cheated on wives on GF’s don’t dump them!

GrandTheftWalrus · 04/04/2021 23:19

My ex husband was a lot bigger than that and he was too fat etc for sex. It was actually very off putting and one of the reasons I left as I was no longer attracted to him. There is a longer list but that's one of the reasons.

You need to leave him if you are feeling like this. You are the same age as I was when I left mine and life is much better now.

Anoisagusaris · 04/04/2021 23:23

I’m shorter and slightly heavier than your husband and it doesn’t impact my ability to have sex (might affect my motivation but that’s a different issue)

14 stone for a man isn’t that big

Countingthebeat · 04/04/2021 23:43

@Harrymonk7

This blokes crime is being a bit lazy, a bit overweight. Maybe a bit depressed with lockdown. Seems a bit harsh to just suggest dumping him at the first sign of trouble. If it was that straightforward then I’m not sure why so many cheated on wives on GF’s don’t dump them!
Nope . It’s not that all ! The blokes ‘ crime ‘ Is not giving a fuck about his wife and her needs . Refusing to discuss things like an adult and to address issues or take a pill that could enable them to have sex
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