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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is too fat and unfit for sex

131 replies

SummerHurryUp · 04/04/2021 13:16

Today it's 3 months since we last tried to have sex. God knows when the last successful time was.

Since working from home since February 2020, by husband has ballooned in weight and just become completely lazy. He sits on his computer all day everyday, even when not working. I guess going for a 20 minute walk and he says he has better things to do (go on the computer).

Another unfortunate consequence is he can't have sex. He has trouble getting and staying hard for longer than two minutes, but a bigger issue is he physically doesn't have the stamina. He will become very sweaty and tired, and he has type 1 diabetes which makes him feel unwell after about 30 seconds of activity.

He went to the doctor last summer, and was prescribed viagra. But he doesn't want to take it because he says it feels too clinical. So he seems to be happy living in a sexless marriage, but I am not. I feel very depressed about it. I feel trapped and like I will never have sex again. We are both nearly 30 and every time I bring it up he gets angry and sticks his head in the sand.

He won't diet, and he doesn't want to change Sad

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/04/2021 15:41

You cannot fix this, only he can. At 29, I would also run. You don’t want to be wasting your fittest, healthiest and most fertile years on a man, who wants to do nothing for or with you.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 04/04/2021 15:49

I would leave him. He's not interested in making any effort either for your sex life or his health. He's very selfish!

Pokske · 04/04/2021 15:58

The sex is one thing, the rest of his sedentary life is another.
If you choose to stay: never a walk, never going anywhere, no travel, bikeride, nothing. Or you would have to do it on your own or with family/friends. Which is what you would do, without having to inform anyone, in case you were single.
So what are you getting out of this ? Someone who keeps the chair in front of the computer warm ?
Please, life is short, enjoy it !

harknesswitch · 04/04/2021 16:06

Well if he doesn't want to diet or change anything or take medication then yes, you'll be in a sexless marriage for the foreseeable future.

DoingItMyself · 04/04/2021 16:11

You've got to go. This is no life for a young woman. You are really young - give yourself a chance of happiness by leaving this man.

PurpleDaisy2114 · 04/04/2021 16:15

Wow- Do you love him and care about him?? His mental health doesn't sound great. He probably feels really rubbish about himself. Have you tried a conversation that is not weight related and is just about whether he is ok??

NewjobOldme · 04/04/2021 16:15

When was he diagnosed with Type 1? What height and weight is he.

AtlasPine · 04/04/2021 16:19

I also think he sounds depressed. Would he consider seeing the doctor for that? And perhaps some talking therapy?

ohnonotyetplease · 04/04/2021 16:20

People go through ups and downs. My two penny's worth is that there's something more going on that needs to be resolved, something much deeper than issues with food & attitude.
I'm pretty grateful people didn't run from me when I had food issues and a crap attitude...
However I do 100% agree that you don't want to find yourself at almost 40 in the same situation. Very difficult for you OP... But if you came through this horrible time, you would be much stronger than before for not having given up.

Oblomov21 · 04/04/2021 16:25

You need to give more details before I can comment. But as a type 1, since a baby, this makes me very sad to read.

Some of the above comments may be incredibly harsh, depending on the info you will now give.

How long have you known each other? What age was he diagnosed? When was the last time he went to clinic and saw his consultant?

NewjobOldme · 04/04/2021 16:28

@Oblomov21

You need to give more details before I can comment. But as a type 1, since a baby, this makes me very sad to read.

Some of the above comments may be incredibly harsh, depending on the info you will now give.

How long have you known each other? What age was he diagnosed? When was the last time he went to clinic and saw his consultant?

I agree. I think people might be conflating type 1 with obesity when it is a different condition entirely. Also one person's opinion of piling on weight might be a tallish man gaining a stone. We don't have enough information.
SimonJT · 04/04/2021 16:45

As a fellow type 1 diabetes sufferer it is shit and having periods of diabetic exhaustion is fairly common as is poor mental health, people who don’t have it have no idea how relentless and time consuming it is.

Do you know what his levels are generally like? When was his last clinic appointment? Does he have access to adequate support in managing his diabetes?

Original poster
SummerHurryUp · 04/04/2021 16:51

He was diagnosed as a young child and we have known each other since our late teens.

He is 5'9 and 14 stone which gives a BMI of 29

He's always handled his diabetes badly and had a bad diet, but the weight gain has been since the start of 2020. I think it's caught up with him now he's nearly 30. His last appointment was middle of last year.

OP posts:
38greenbottles · 04/04/2021 16:52

The current situation is not only not working for you - it's not working for him. He's unwell and doing nothing about it. So TBH moving out not only gives you a fresh start, it might be the shakeup he needs to start looking after his health.
It's really sad, but the reason that people here so often say, "leave" is that inducing other people to change is extremely hard. This is why advertising is such big business. I mean, if the prospect of SEX isn't enough to encourage him, what is?!! We're honestly not taking marriage lightly or saying he CAN'T change. Just that, in our experience, if he doesn't want to change so he can have sex and a long marriage with you, well, maybe it's not quite right for you or him.

againandagainoncemore · 04/04/2021 17:02

The BMI isn't actually that bad. I do understand what you're saying though.

My DH is big. Always has been but never an issue with sex or energy. He's very active. Just eats big portions.

The lack of motivation to change would be a killer for me. The weight is a separate issue.

Blueskytoday06 · 04/04/2021 17:03

14 stone doesn't sound that heavy.

If this post was reversed and a man wrote it, he'd be flamed.

Oblomov21 · 04/04/2021 17:06

5'9 14 stone is indeed 29. Yellow. Overweight. Not even obese.

So, is there something else going on here, OP?

What do you think SimonJT?

picklemewalnuts · 04/04/2021 17:10

He needs to see a GP and say he isn't very well. Whether it's diabetes, metal ill health or something else, it needs checking out.

The weights/BMI you've given really aren't that bad. Don't blame his weight, worry about other underlying conditions.

folloyourarro · 04/04/2021 17:13

Whilst he's overweight it's not a weight I'd expect to interfere with sex, it sounds like he needs to see a doctor if he is physically struggling that much. But yes I concur with the others do not sign your life away with this man if he won't help himself.

CommanderBurnham · 04/04/2021 17:19

I don't think the weight is the only problem, just a by product of his behaviour.

It's time for the talk. Gently tell him that lockdown has affected everyone and you want to help him out of this downward spiral because you see a life with him with kids etc. That you don't blame him, and will help him, but you won't wait forever as this is not what you signed up for.

violetmonster · 04/04/2021 17:19

That's what, 90kg roughly? Not exactly morbidly obese but the sex issue and the fact that you clearly enough different things - he spends all his time on the computer, you want to go and do things, suggests some basic comparability issues. Are you happy OP? If he lost the weight through diet for example but didn't change his habits otherwise would you be happy then? Or has this relationship run it's course

SimonJT · 04/04/2021 17:43

So his BMI isn’t that high, so his weight alone is unlikely to cause erectile dysfunction, high blood sugars can cause temporary erectile dysfunction and a lack of sex drive. He should be looking at his glucose levels before and after sex and have some gels available during (ah, diabetes is so sexy). Hardened arteries and lose of sensation can also be a problem, especially as his diabetes has been poorly managed for a long time. Erectile dysfunction is really common in type one diabetics and around 10% of us have it chronically.
He could however have high cholesterol or high blood pressure, which could also cause erectile dysfunction.

It is harder for type one diabetics to lose weight, so that is an additional challenge, he has to really want to lose weight himself or he is guaranteed to fail. It sounds like he needs medical help for both his weight/diabetes and his mental health.

NewjobOldme · 04/04/2021 17:48

I think there's psychological, health or relationship issues at play. My dh is a similar height and not much lighter, maybe a few pounds. He's fit and active and although he's definitely gained a few pounds in lockdown he has plenty of energy for sex and other things.
Depression decreases libido and that would tie in with the not wanting to do anything.

JustAnotherOldMan · 04/04/2021 18:07

The diabetes is a really common cause of ED, if he wouldn’t do anything to help himself, then I think you need end it, sorry

justasking111 · 04/04/2021 18:14

His weight is not the problem it's not that bad, his attitude, however is, are you sure he's impotent, could he be using porn coz it's less effort than sex with you. Seems odd he's against Viagra.

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