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Original poster

DH hobbies - reasonable?

101 replies

Pepvixen · 03/04/2021 17:12

DH and I just had a big row (unusual for us) and I wonder if I'm being reasonable.

We've been together since uni and often led quite separate lives. We've both had pretty large hobbies (that take up some evenings and lots of weekends). We have DC (7) and early on often argued because I was at home and he was still out doing hobbies. That has been better for the past 5 years or so, largely because I was able to start doing more of my hobbies again so things felt more fair.

During lockdown obviously all has changed. We've had some big conversations about doing things differently, enjoying our house and garden more and our local friends more. Doing more together and less of our own stuff.

This week DH has travelled 60 miles twice to go and train for one of his hobbies. He has also decided to run an ultramarathon and has been for 2 runs that have taken an entire morning and into the afternoon.

I said to him this afternoon that this has made me sad, because his actions show that he still wants to live his life with his own interests rather than what we talked about.

He has said that he does his hobbies because he doesn't get enough emotional support and fulfilment from me.

I feel like I don't really want to go back to how things were and that actually maybe we would be happier apart.

Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
bonfireheart · 03/04/2021 17:15

He has said that he does his hobbies because he doesn't get enough emotional support and fulfilment from me.

And he waited until now to tell you this?
How long does he think it is ok to live like this?
What about your fulfillment whist he is living his own separate life?

Maybe some counselling and then decide next steps. Though he sounds like he's checked out already. How is your relationship otherwise?

Original poster
Pepvixen · 03/04/2021 17:20

No, to be fair on and off he has said that before'. He is a real perfectionist and I think that this is an example of he doesn't acknowledge when things are good and only notices this bits he is unhappy with (eg when I asked for an example he mentioned that one evening I didn't want to talk this week. I don't really remember that, but had a v stressful week at work and definitely wanted to chill out and just watch tv a couple of nights.).

I think if we spent more time together as a family and less separately it would create more closeness.

OP posts:
Midlifelady · 03/04/2021 17:22

All the before is irrelevant- your last bit is what it's all about. It is surprising he didn't express this during lockdown, but maybe he was by thinking you should try and spend more time together. But we are still in lockdown - so have you been doing things together?
Agree that you need to see a counsellor and assess how, and if, you want to continue as a couple.

Outbutnotoutout · 03/04/2021 17:23

How does he think he is going to do all his hobbies when he has his child 50% and is paying for another home?

I0NA · 03/04/2021 17:25

He has said that he does his hobbies because he doesn't get enough emotional support and fulfilment from me

Do you think thats why he does it? Or is it because he wants the status and advantages of marriage and parenthood without putting in any of the effort?

Does he want to do his hobbies while you stay home and watch the child and clean the house ?

It sounds like he is doing what he wants and he only paid lip service to your agreement. So its up to you really - is this the kind of marriage you want or would you rather split up?

Because I bet you a mars bar that he won’t change .In fact he will get worse as your child gets older. Your evenings and weekends will be taken up with you taking your child to their own hobbies while your husband does his.

I0NA · 03/04/2021 17:31

I think if we spent more time together as a family and less separately it would create more closeness

I’m a sorry to be blunt but Your husband doesn’t WANT to spend time with you and his child. What’s he’s doing now is what he wants, it suits him fine and it won’t change.

You can’t change his mind. A counsellor won’t change his mind. You’ve tried an agreement and that didnt work.

You want different things in life.

Original poster
Pepvixen · 03/04/2021 17:31

We have spent time together, but I've been very tired with homeschooling and we have both been working (from home) more than usual. We've been renovating our house and spent time gardening and both enjoyed the latter. I've been looking forward to going to friends/having friends over, going to the pub all together etc.

I know that he does get a lot of satisfaction and fulfilment from his hobbies.

Maybe I am unsupportive and not fulfilling to hang out with, how can I tell?!

OP posts:
icdtap · 03/04/2021 17:35

Horrible to turn it round on you and blame you for him being forced to do his hobbies because you don't give him enough emotional support and fulfilment.
He is a selfish arse and he would be doing those hobbies no matter what.

Do you want to live like this because this is what your life is going to be? You stay at home in the evenings and weekends and look after your child. He perhaps, in his infinite generosity...., "lets" you have one evening a week out of the house for a nice little hobby. Meanwhile he does what the fuck he likes and training for ultramarathons is going to take up every last minute of spare time.
He is never going to change and everytime you try to bring it up he'll place the blame on you.

pipsqueakbollock · 03/04/2021 17:46

Draw up a rota for child care if you had 50% care.
Every other weekend each.
Mon-Wed alternate weeks
Thur& Fri alternate weeks.

Ask him if he can see this pattern working as it is the fairest way for your DC after your impending divorce.
And of course you both need to live very close to school in order for this to work so what percentage of your family income is going to have to be diverted?

pipsqueakbollock · 03/04/2021 17:47

mutters twat

InsufferablePerformanceFather · 03/04/2021 17:54

Lots of men are selfish arses, although they aren't all like that. The expectation that they should just carry on with their lives as if they were single and childless ( leaving the wife to do all the caring ) is typical. But it does make things simpler for you, after all, it won't change much if you left him. There are better men out there, men who share the mental load, men who care about their partners. I'd remind your DH of that.

catmumandhumanmum · 03/04/2021 17:54

If he's not putting more effort into being with you then how can you offer more emotional support, he's making it your fault when it's not.
I found this with my exh before we split, him taking on a load of new hobbies plus work and travel, our relationship had no chance. He has to spend more time with you or quite rightly you will resent him.

munchiemunch · 03/04/2021 19:37

I agree with the rota idea. Draw up a 50/50 rota. Right now you facilitate 60 mile journeys. Make him do an entire Friday through to Monday weekend. Disappear to a friends house or spa hotel or anything. Do not be available. Give him a taste of what divorce will look like. How’s he fitting in all of that when you’re gone and he’s solo parenting.

tribpot · 03/04/2021 19:45

You say you've been tired from homeschooling and you're both tired from work .. I take it that means he's not been doing any of the homeschooling? Where's your emotional support and fulfillment in all this - and why isn't he picking up more of the parental workload?

Original poster
Pepvixen · 03/04/2021 19:52

If I'm honest, we had the big fight about his hobbies quite a few years ago and where it landed was that I expanded my hobbies. So we sort of were living that separate life where some evenings he would be 'on duty' and other evenings I would be. I would go away some weekends for my hobby to match the fact he was off doing his a lot of weekends.

But that's actually really tiring. I would like something more normal. More time together just doing low key stuff.

He's not terrible in terms of domestic labour, we have a decent routine of who does what. I definitely did more/most of the home schooling.

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 03/04/2021 19:57

Seems like he is using the lack of 'emotional support and fulfilment' from you line as an excuse to indulge his hobbies. What exactly does that mean anyway? It puts the blame on you at the same time as using a vague and potentially elastic criticism to continue doing what he wants. How do you gauge enough 'emotional support? How do you measure 'fulfilment'? You'll potentially always be lacking and it'll be the excuse he needs to take up more than his share if hobby time.

harknesswitch · 03/04/2021 20:00

What @bonfireheart said

Why is it up to you to fulfil him? What happened to mutually fulfilling each other?

He sounds like a selfish arse who likes the idea of a wife and kids at home and he get to do what he wants

munchiemunch · 03/04/2021 20:08

It doesn’t sound like a decent marriage or partnership really. You’re single with kids with a contract with your roommate for childcare to support hobby indulging. When did his hobbies become more important than spending time with his wife and kids? Maybe the right way to do it is he gets one weekend, then it’s family time, then it’s your weekend, then it’s family time. So he gets 1 in 4, you get 1 in 4. Kids get the two of you for 2/4. Where do your kids feature in any of this?

I think it’s crap to be honest. Why exactly did he get married and have kids?

munchiemunch · 03/04/2021 20:08

He needs to be single really.

You’re then free to find a decent husband

munchiemunch · 03/04/2021 20:09

It’s actually really immature and childish isn’t it? Grown man prioritising hobbies. Pretty grim.

Mellonsprite · 03/04/2021 20:13

He has said that he does his hobbies because he doesn't get enough emotional support and fulfilment from me

Ouch! Do you not find that intensely hurtful?
To me that’s skin to saying you aren’t enough. I’m not sure I could come back if I’d heard that from my DH, sorry OP ☹️

Opentooffers · 03/04/2021 20:30

Between work and hobbies, has he done much parenting? It's not right, not by a long chalk, but there seem to be still some men who think that a child is just a thing to have for the woman, and once they are born, mum will take care and that's, that. Your DS was a joint creation, you both work FT, so how is it you are tired from home schooling and work?. Think about it, does he do half domestic duties, half child necessities and fit in his hobbies too? I think you know he doesn't, it's not possible. Everyone jumps to divorce however, and it may need to come to that, but, first get to the discussion where you explain exactly where he is not pulling his weight. You both before DS had separate, time-consuming hobbies, so did not feel a need to always be together, that's fine, works for you. Now you have DS, so either you equally, but alternately look after him, leaving the other at that time to do their own thing and stay married, or you do equal amounts by both being with DS at the same time, and each of you get the same alloted time every week to do your own thing.
I am wondering if he is suffering MH wise with lockdown, or, there's something you don't know about. No parent, who works full time can fulfil their half of home duties and have time to train for an ultramarathon. Could there be someone he is trying to impress? Sorry to say this, but some female who he's met via his hobbies, as, to be fair, transferring blame, to you being why he's not around much, is a big sign and textbook to justifying to himself why it's ok in his mind to seek solace elsewhere. Whatever the reason, tell him you are thinking about divorce as an option, it sounds like he needs the jolt.

Wallywobbles · 03/04/2021 20:53

I really recognize the like for like time off for hobbies. I was only allowed time off to do sport. Despite being the main earner (x10) main carer, main everything. He was an expensive passenger.

Divorce great for me as I got a weekend off twice a month.

Rae34 · 03/04/2021 21:14

My parents actually divorced over this issue.

Men often seem to prioritise hobbies over their partnerships. I've experienced it as well and now try to find men with more balanced interests!

Fireflygal · 03/04/2021 21:17

emotional support and fulfilment

How does he get emotional support from his hobbies?

I think he is talking about getting validation/achievement/status. Talking to friends or colleagues about being a good husband, playing with his child doesn't have the same status as ultra marathons. I think he is just focusing on himself and his achievements perhaps to impress others.