DH hobbies - reasonable?

[Pepvixen]

DH and I just had a big row (unusual for us) and I wonder if I'm being reasonable.

We've been together since uni and often led quite separate lives. We've both had pretty large hobbies (that take up some evenings and lots of weekends). We have DC (7) and early on often argued because I was at home and he was still out doing hobbies. That has been better for the past 5 years or so, largely because I was able to start doing more of my hobbies again so things felt more fair.

During lockdown obviously all has changed. We've had some big conversations about doing things differently, enjoying our house and garden more and our local friends more. Doing more together and less of our own stuff.

This week DH has travelled 60 miles twice to go and train for one of his hobbies. He has also decided to run an ultramarathon and has been for 2 runs that have taken an entire morning and into the afternoon.

I said to him this afternoon that this has made me sad, because his actions show that he still wants to live his life with his own interests rather than what we talked about.

He has said that he does his hobbies because he doesn't get enough emotional support and fulfilment from me.

I feel like I don't really want to go back to how things were and that actually maybe we would be happier apart.

Am I over-reacting?

So men have no choice or responsibility in the children they help create? Explains all the cyclists, golfers , runners, cricketers etc that proliferate outdoor spaces sans wife and children on the weekends. Welcome to the 21st century!

@Dacquoise
If you read the thread they were both exactly the same with hobbies but she now changed her mind and wants him to change his .

It depends on your approach though. My husband is a runner. Always has been. He’s run 4,800km since 1 July as part of a cross country challenge (we’re in Canada).
But he gets up at 3:30 to get his run in before he leaves for work at 5.30. On the weekends he’s always home for 07:30. That means he gets to spend his evenings and weekends with us as a family. He wouldn’t do it any other way. He now doesn’t like “running during the day”.

Both the same with hobbies BUT child free. Life changes with children, you have to adapt, you don't have all that free time anymore. It isn't the woman's responsibility to adapt while the man stays the same. Misogynistic argument?

There's a good book called "mating in captivity" which describes how living together and doing everything together with no separate interests and so on does breed closeness, but that that comes at the price of intimacy and that we need some distance or separate interests to keep passion/intimacy alive.

I definitely think there is something to it.
However I think there should be a compromise and limit to it as obviously you need your own time to do your own hobbies and you both still need to spend time together also.

If you were to divorce how would he manage to have his child 50%, work and do his hobbies ?

@Pepvixen

We have spent time together, but I've been very tired with homeschooling and we have both been working (from home) more than usual. We've been renovating our house and spent time gardening and both enjoyed the latter. I've been looking forward to going to friends/having friends over, going to the pub all together etc.

I know that he does get a lot of satisfaction and fulfilment from his hobbies.

Maybe I am unsupportive and not fulfilling to hang out with, how can I tell?!

Have you ever heard the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder"?

Sorry but it would drive me potty if DP was with me every single second.

You need time apart as a couple otherwise you just become dull, boring and have nothing to talk about.

Him saying you don't fill his emotional needs was a bit shit but unless he's willing to communicate what those needs are you can't do anything.
Has he got body dysmorphia but doesn't know it? I've known of men the have done iron man and ultra marathons. They become utterly obsessed and become addicted by dopamine release to daily running or cycling and get very agitated when they can't exercise.
Go out without him. You have a lifetime to go out together, one he sees you enjoying life without him being there it may pique his interest in joinin more.

@Dacquoise

Both the same with hobbies BUT child free. Life changes with children, you have to adapt, you don't have all that free time anymore. It isn't the woman's responsibility to adapt while the man stays the same. Misogynistic argument?

@Dacquoise There's nothing misogynistic about expecting grown adult women to take responsibility for their free choices and the natural consequences of them 🙄 Quite the opposite in fact. It's disempowering to imply that women are childlike creatures who, unlike men, don't understand the consequences of their actions and need to be mollycoddled at every turn. One of the most important decisions in anyone's entire life is who you marry and have kids with.

I feel more strongly than even the OP does that family life means the man spends the majority of his physical time with me and the kids because I never would have considered marrying a man like the OP's husband in the first place. You're preaching to the choir here. Despite my beliefs, even I recognise that the OP is the one behind this current issue in their marriage. Some posters on this forum have a weird obsession with just blaming men while ignoring the woman's part as an adult in certain situations. He married someone who was exactly like him, not a couch potato. She was perfectly content spending a huge amount of time on her own hobbies rather than with him, just as he is doing now. Like I said, unless they discussed this pre marriage and he explicitly said he will dramatically dial down his own hobbies, her husband has every right to feel aggrieved with HER changing and now wanting to force him to change. It makes no sense to assume he would change when his (and their) values have always been so different from this and their shared obsession with time consuming hobbies was the very reason she stayed with him. I bet he's shocked and frustrated that she's changed.

We're now in a situation where there some posters are implying a young child's family home should be smashed to pieces for his dad having the audacity to be the man she chose to marry. Counselling would be the best route to help get a compromise if it's making OP very unhappy now she'schanged her personality, but in any case, children grow up fast and they only have one child, so the silver lining is that issue they have now won't be an issue in several years time.

So you are saying that a man who decides to have a child should expect his wife to understand that this event does not change his life in any way? That in marrying this man it was explicitly understood by the Op that he would not adapt and that it is her fault for not abiding by this? Where has she stated that?

If you look at the original post the husband had agreed to do more family centric activities with the Op which he has now reneged on and reverted to single life.

@Dacquoise no, the point is she shouldn't have married him in the first place.

Hind sight is 20/20 isn't it @LivBa?

In the same way that the women who marry abusers should know that their DHs will turn violent and controlling?

In the same way that women who marry cheaters should know that their DHs will cheat?

In the same way that women who discover porn on their DHs computers should know that when they get together.

Those are extreme examples but relationships evolve and change over time. Children are a game changer and some spouses don't adapt because they don't want to.

Exactly @Dacquoise

I bet all those women that end up divorced (that's 50% of all marriages) are castigating themselves for not taking responsibility for marrying their ex husbands in the first place@I0NA After all they knew what they were getting into

God, the man excusing/explaining/justifying of appalling behaviour on here is SO depressing.

@Dacquoise, completely agree. Men should know exactly what raising a child involves and how much time it takes. When they agree to marriage and children they do so, knowing their lives will change.

I know of many men who socialised every weekend but when children came along they gave up that lifestyle. It's not the Op's fault her husband is in the percentage of men who are self centred and want to put their needs ahead of the family.

@LivBa, if you can predict the men who will be selfish please offer it as a service as may be there would be less unhappy marriages and families.

@Fireflygal, if I had carried on my lifestyle after having my DD social services would have been involved! I agree many men step up when they start families. My colleague at work is a very good example of a respectful, equal partner in his marriage with his two children. Gives me hope for the possibilities in a relationship in this generation. Shame it's still such a bloody struggle for some women.

@LivBa

Do you not think a child is slightly more important than a hobby, you speak as though when the child is a certain age both of them will not need to bother with the inconvinience of a child.

The op is stepping up to her resposibilities, her husband is not, why make excuses. Great, some men are really competetive, so what, how about being a competative dad and trying to be the best you can at that.

It's a hobby he doesn't earn money from it, in my family there are professional musicians , who go on tour, when their children were young they altered their itinaries to have as much time as possible with the kids. A great profession that earnt money and boosted their ego's a hobby and work rolled into one, but they put their children first and their wives.
Some men think so very much of themselves, and how very important some wives think they are.
Nobody should come before the children.

I can't help thinking that in a few years time the OP's child will be much more independent and perhaps have their own schedule of training and activity. I know a lot of women who facilitate/support their child's participation in swimming, rowing, dance etc. It becomes a huge part of their lives. Many teenage children do not want lots of traditional family centred time. It can be hard to persuade them to come out of their rooms to watch a family film and go for a family walk or bicycle ride.
Some parents find the teenage years hard and a shared interest in a sport or activity can be a real bonding activity.

what’s the hobby

I hate these hobbies that take up hours. I personally think that running - fine - even marathon running if that is your sole obsession. But ultra marathons when you have a kid? Not fine. And especially if you have another time consuming hobby.

You need a day a weekend for family pottering. And the other day you take it turns or have a morning or whatever.

DH and I both have hobbies. DH knows he gets max one day a week - maybe one long afternoon. So he doesn’t get to do both his time consuming hobbies in one weekend.

It’s different for women I sometimes think. I love times with my DCs and so am happy to restrict my hobbies more when they are little

This guy of yours is selfish and I think men like that don’t change easily. I would ask him what he wants as if you separate he won’t be doing much running the days he has DC

People are missing the point. He can only continue these hobbies now he has a child because OP is forced to then do the lions share of childcare.
OP divide the week into half and for one half your husband is responsible for all childcare. He can only do hobbies on the days it is your childcare.
You shouldn't have to do that but it might help to reframe the argument- away from his perspective that you are being unsupportive and more to a true appreciation that you are unfairly doing the vast majority of the parenting

Some parents find the teenage years hard and a shared interest in a sport or activity can be a real bonding activity

That’s nice for them. Personally I find it a real chore.

Friday after work I have to pack the car and drive to the other end of the country. Saturday I have to spend perhaps 13 hours without a break sitting in a smelly sports hall, usually without windows. Grab some unpleasant I carry out food and then back to the travel lodge.

Sunday it’s the same although we usually finished in the afternoon and then I have to drive back home.

It’s fucking boring and exhausting and do you know what, it’s nearly always the mums who do it. The dads are relaxing at home, doing their own sport or watching Tv with a couple of beers.

Three nights a week I have to take older kid to training, sit in sports centre cafe trying to get younger one to do his homework. Eat crap food for dinner , drive home. Clean up the mess from someone else’s dinner,

Supporting someone else’s fun while you have none of your own is seriously over rated.

What utter crap - he does get enough emotional support and fulfillment from you?
What he is really saying is that he wants to continue doing his own thing regardless of you and doesn't see why he should even attempt to do family things.
I'd ditch him, I was married to someone like this and never saw them - never did anything I liked or wanted to do, we weren't a couple at all and it wasn't a marriage.
A marriage requires some compromise.
let him find someone else who will put up with this rubbish.

One the night he decides to stay in why don’t you arrange to go out.
He is acting like a single man.
I hope he continues to scale down his activities and see the benefits of family life.