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Original poster

DH hobbies - reasonable?

101 replies

Pepvixen · 03/04/2021 17:12

DH and I just had a big row (unusual for us) and I wonder if I'm being reasonable.

We've been together since uni and often led quite separate lives. We've both had pretty large hobbies (that take up some evenings and lots of weekends). We have DC (7) and early on often argued because I was at home and he was still out doing hobbies. That has been better for the past 5 years or so, largely because I was able to start doing more of my hobbies again so things felt more fair.

During lockdown obviously all has changed. We've had some big conversations about doing things differently, enjoying our house and garden more and our local friends more. Doing more together and less of our own stuff.

This week DH has travelled 60 miles twice to go and train for one of his hobbies. He has also decided to run an ultramarathon and has been for 2 runs that have taken an entire morning and into the afternoon.

I said to him this afternoon that this has made me sad, because his actions show that he still wants to live his life with his own interests rather than what we talked about.

He has said that he does his hobbies because he doesn't get enough emotional support and fulfilment from me.

I feel like I don't really want to go back to how things were and that actually maybe we would be happier apart.

Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:

slopes2021 · 10/04/2021 17:03

I think you need to sit down and have a chat about this. Pre-lockdown when you guys had little family/couple time - how did your DH react?

It's not an uncommon issue for parents. If you want to carry on doing one or two hobbies or even go to the gym in the evening - then realistically how much time is there left for you to be together.

Perhaps you can keep doing a hobby each (i.e. one evening a week) and half a day on the weekend say. But any more than that and you just wont see each other. We have a similar problem although both would like to keep them up in order to make new friends having moved countries. But it's tough. As you say - it's not that he wont let you do yours but that if you do - you end up like ships passing in the night.

Exiledmancguy · 10/04/2021 17:21

I've seen a few threads on here from long suffering partners dealing with the other extreme (inactive lazy blokes who never want to go out).

This other extreme can't be too much fun either. It's healthy to have separate hobbies and give each other a bit of space but in this case, the time and commitment spent by the partner verges on the obsessive and it looks like there has been v little in the way of compromise.

The OP here has done the right thing in communicating her feelings openly on the matter though it still looks like the partner hasn't taken these on board.

The lockdown and subsequent easing should have provided an opportunity for a reset but sadly it looks like the OP's partner has carried on regardless and settled back into their old ways.

billy1966 · 10/04/2021 18:33

I feel very sorry for your son, but thank god there is only one child to be an inconvenience for your husband.

He sounds like a very selfish man who has zero interest in family life.

I think you sound in total denial.

Discuss separating and moving on with your life.
He can decide does he even want to be in his childs life.
Sounds like he doesn't and you are facilitating him.

You and your son deserve better.

And NO this is not normal.

Chamonixshoopshoop · 10/04/2021 19:14

I am the one in my marriage who does more hobbies and I don’t do anywhere near this amount! For 6 months a year it takes up one weekend morning or afternoon on one day. Then one night in the week.
The fact he’s doing it for both days at the weekend and several nights in the week is too much.
I squeeze my runs in on my lunch hour, can he try and do that more?
It’s a shame you’ve spoken to him, he seems to get it, then disappeared loads for his hobbies again!

pipsqueakbollock · 10/04/2021 21:58

The whole DS went along on his bike thing

That is really manipulative of DH to ensure DS sings to the same tube he has you humming along to.

If you want my time, you do my thing.

Realistically, how much actual time could they even spend talking whilst on such exercise? If DH was running for training, he wouldn't be talking at the same time and if DS was pedalling hard to keep up, he would also have no breath to chat.

That's fucking appalling.

rwalker · 11/04/2021 00:28

@pipsqueakbollock
I used to take mine with me on there bike when I run. If he's at the level where he's considering running an ultra then yes he would be more than capable of having a conversion.
We chat all the time at running club no problem.
A child peddling keeping up with someone running they will not be going hell for leather on a bike.

I take it your not a marathon runner.
if more parents made the effort to take there kids out for exercise then perhaps we would have less of a problem with childhood obesity .

Osirus · 11/04/2021 01:59

@Pepvixen

So we had a big talk on Sunday/Monday, got it all out there. He says that there is a lot of work with one of his hobbies (the 60 mile drive away one) due to reopening after the lockdown (he's on the committee). He is considering whether to do the ultramarathon or not. He has arranged for some friends to be his support crew, so me and DS don't have to spend a weekend trailing after him :-/

We had a nice night together on Tuesday night. Wednesday night he was out running with a mate. Thursday he was on a hobby committee zoom call all evening. This morning he was out running and now he is out at his hobby. He is out running tomorrow morning.

He does pull his weight with chores. Eg he cooked most nights in the week just gone and did a deep clean of the kitchen while I was doing DS story etc last night.

This level of hobbies is not really normal or ok though is it?

You see for me it would be fine. My DH has a hobby (more lifestyle really), which he does after work and literally ALL weekend, every weekend. He’s not home before 8.30pm, and sometimes makes it back for bedtime to say goodnight to our child. She’s asked him to be here in the morning when she wakes up, so hopefully he will be.

But for me, I’m not bothered that he’s never here as I love doing my own thing too.

I get that it’s probably very unusual to be okay with this amount of time apart, but it suits some.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 11/04/2021 03:11

Your DS is 7 so unless there is backstory, he is an average child, in school, maybe with afterschool clubs or activities and interests of his own. Not once have anyone mentioned the child other that dividing the time "responsible" for him. Is he just part of the load that must be evenly divided?
You never even said the obligatory "He is a good dad and loves his son although he doesn't spend any time with him."
By this time, Dad should be on the sidelines shouting encouragement while his son is playing soccer or football or cricket - not chairing a committee for a megamarathon.
It sounds like you don't have a marriage - you are roommates who had a child together. Don't expect him to do anything if you separate. He will not have 50/50 and you cannot make him do visitation. You may get child support but you will have him 100% so make plans now.

Dacquoise · 11/04/2021 09:43

@GeorgiaGirl52, I totally agree with you. My ex husband saw our cgild as not his responsibility and made absolutely no efforts to develop a relationship with him unless it suited him and he could get kudos from other people for looking after her. The reality was he couldn't offload her quick enough on other people or my family if I wasn't there and when we split dropped her like a hot potato as soon as moved someone else in. Having children was not something he really wanted and he ensured it fitted around him when we did by pushing all responsibility onto me.

Dacquoise · 11/04/2021 09:49

I don't think these men are brave enough to be clear about not really wanting children. They want partners but not families. I certainly felt a bit duped with the way the marriage panned out. If he had said up front he didn't want children I would probably have moved on and saved myself a lot of grief.

I0NA · 11/04/2021 09:59

@Dacquoise

I disgree. I think they DO want children. They want the social status, being able to boast to their colleagues and friends and post photos on social media.

They just want someone else to bring the child up. Like on Downton Abbey where the nanny brings the children in for half an hour after dinner, dressed in their best outfits and they sit politely on the sofa.

They want their adoring wife and cute child at the finishing line and for the medal photos. For Christmas Day and birthday. For school sports day and prize giving ( if their child wins of course ).

ineedaholidaynow · 11/04/2021 10:09

@Osirus how old is your child? If your DH their dad?

rhowton · 11/04/2021 10:14

My DH and I both play sport and have decided together that we won't play Saturday or Sunday leagues as it impacts on family life too much. We have two evenings in the week each to do our own sports and if they are ever the same day, we use joint money to pay for a baby sitter.

Pyewackect · 11/04/2021 10:20

@Outbutnotoutout

How does he think he is going to do all his hobbies when he has his child 50% and is paying for another home?

Why would he be paying for another home ?

Pyewackect · 11/04/2021 10:24

@Dacquoise

I agree. An awful lot of men just want a relationship. They see kids as a concession to maintain the relationship and what is expected of them but if they were totally honest , they don’t want any of it.

Dacquoise · 11/04/2021 10:30

@IONA, yes you are probably right. My ex husband certainly put on a good show to other people about being a 'family man'. When his cricket 'career' ended he would take our daughter out on a Sunday morning. What I didn't realise was that he had a secret arrangement with my mother and was dropping her off there while he played golf. To the other school mums he was such a nice guy and they turned against me when I divorced him. What they didn't realise was that when we split up our daughter had very little memory of him. He was never around.

Whydidimarryhim · 16/04/2021 12:33

Hi OP how did the talk go?

Original poster

Pepvixen · 16/04/2021 17:17

Good and bad, Whydid. On the bad, he didn't react well and said I was being controlling and he wished I celebrated/supported him in the things he excels in (he is very good, ex-professional in one of the hobbies). On the good, he has scaled back the hobbies a bit this weekend (choosing not to go to the 60 mile away club tonight and tomorrow). I think it's a thing to keep communicating about and see if things improve. He is coming to a picnic with friends tomorrow afternoon instead of going to a hobby. I hope that we can just build into the new way of spending more time together as a family and a couple...

OP posts:

fellrunner85 · 16/04/2021 17:28

My solution would be that you train for the ultra too, and do your long runs as a family with DS on the bike. Ultras are fun!

But if that's not a possibility then there's just got to be a bit more give and take. Presuming he's not regularly running more than 30-odd miles for his long run on a weekend, he should start early so he's back mid morning to do some parenting. Unless of course he's taking DS with him, which sounds nice.

I'm also wondering what hobby is niche enough to require going 60 miles away, and if there's not a club closer to home. If there isn't (say it's surfing and you're 60 miles from the sea) then surely twice a week as well as one long run for his ultra is enough?

I'm deep in ultra training myself and can honestly say it doesn't impact unduly on family life, but then I don't have another hobby on top.

LivBa · 17/04/2021 01:11

@Pepvixen To be honest I can see your husband's perspective on this because you freely chose to marry and have a kid with someone for whom time-consuming hobbies are a big part of their lives. You yourself were like him while dating so it's you who's changed and are now trying to move the goalposts in the relationship. Unless he explicitly said he would dramatically limit his hobbies on a long term basis, it's unclear why you assumed he would radically change when a child came on the scene when his personality type is the way it is. I'm like you, I wouldn't want a guy out that much but then I would never marry someone in the first place who had those sorts of time consuming hobbies.

Even when you were dating him and in the honeymoon period, he (as were you) was happy spending that much time away from you. It's therefore obvious that someone like that needs these hobbies as a large and intrinsic part of their fulfilment and would struggle to find family/romantic relationships enough to fulfil whatever emotional/fulfilment void they have. The level of focus on these hobbies may point to deeper issues e.g. using them to ward of depression, low self esteem, stress or traumatic childhood experiences. If that's the case, counselling could help. Counselling could also help reach a compromise after both parties feel properly listened to each other and all underlying issues examined.

Some posters are pushing for a divorce but would things really be easier for you and bringing up your joint child when he isn't even present/helping at all due to a divorce? Divorce will also have a huge effect on your only child.

Dacquoise · 17/04/2021 09:47

It's totally unrealistic and quite selfish to continue pursuing hobbies to the same extent after you have children. It doesn't matter what you did in the dating and 'honeymoon period. You have a responsibility to looking after a child including integrating them into some sort of family life. Working shifts around them so you can carry on isn't great which is what would happen if you follow the 'you knew what they were like when you married them argument.

Why is it expected in moat cases that the mothers life reduces and accommodates children and the mans doesn't?

LivBa · 17/04/2021 12:41

@Dacquoise

Why is it expected in moat cases that the mothers life reduces and accommodates children and the mans doesn't?

@Dacquoise I completely agree but we have to take responsibility for the people we choose to marry and have kids with. Like I said, in the OP's position, I (and I'm sure many other women) would never have married and had kids with someone in the first place who was SO wedded to time consuming hobbies. OP herself said she was similar to him so he probably also thought they would remain on the same page going forward. It would be different if he didn't have such hobbies then after kids arrived picked them up. He's never hidden who he was but the OP went ahead with him but is now potentially considering breaking their family apart.

We're not just talking about the few hobbies most people have then curtail after family life but very time consuming ones that have been a HUGE part of his life for a long time. It's obvious someone like that is using hobbies as an outlet to fill some sort of void and would therefore be extremely unlikely to curtail after kids.

LivBa · 17/04/2021 12:48

And of course it matters what happens in the dating period...the WHOLE point of dating is finding out about a person before you commit to them

Gilda152 · 17/04/2021 13:14

LivBa nailed it.

Dacquoise · 17/04/2021 15:47

So he agrees to get married and have children and now has the right to continue his hobbies as usual? Why is it the woman's responsibility to adapt to marriage and children and not his? He should have refused to get married and start a family if he wanted an independent and single lifestyle.

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