DH hobbies - reasonable?

[Pepvixen]

DH and I just had a big row (unusual for us) and I wonder if I'm being reasonable.

We've been together since uni and often led quite separate lives. We've both had pretty large hobbies (that take up some evenings and lots of weekends). We have DC (7) and early on often argued because I was at home and he was still out doing hobbies. That has been better for the past 5 years or so, largely because I was able to start doing more of my hobbies again so things felt more fair.

During lockdown obviously all has changed. We've had some big conversations about doing things differently, enjoying our house and garden more and our local friends more. Doing more together and less of our own stuff.

This week DH has travelled 60 miles twice to go and train for one of his hobbies. He has also decided to run an ultramarathon and has been for 2 runs that have taken an entire morning and into the afternoon.

I said to him this afternoon that this has made me sad, because his actions show that he still wants to live his life with his own interests rather than what we talked about.

He has said that he does his hobbies because he doesn't get enough emotional support and fulfilment from me.

I feel like I don't really want to go back to how things were and that actually maybe we would be happier apart.

Am I over-reacting?

Hmmm I have a bit of this with dh. The issue is I do not want to go out for entire afternoons doing a hobby. It gets on my nerves that he does though. I sort of envy men this ability to just switch off from family life.

It sounds as if you want him to stay home with you and your dc. I think most people at this point in lockdown have cabin fever so I can kind of understand him wanting to go out. A lot of people have started pursuing hobbies quite hard during lockdown in order to cope. I think In your shoes I would reassess when things are more normal.

I think there are two separate issues here.

The time he spends on his hobbies vs family life. That might be him being selfish or just not enjoying pottering as much as you.

And the bigger issue that he doesn't feel 'fulfilled' or 'emotionally supported' in the marriage. That's quite a major thing. Different people want different things from a marriage but for most people, emotional support is a minimum. Fulfillment is a different thing I think.

What has he or you done to address this? Giving him the benefit of the doubt, that it's not just an excuse, has he been specific about what emotional support he wants or needs? Do you think you emotionally support him? Does he emotionally support you? How does doing his hobby provide him with emotional support? How does he think he is giving you a fair chance to address this if he isnt at home much spending any quality time with you? If you did manage to both explore this and make some positive changes to your relationship, do you really think he would then be happier and want to spend more time with you all?

My gut feel just based on what you've said is that he is coming out with bullshit excuses rather than the truth, which is that he would rather spend time doing his hobby than with his family.

So who’s providing his emotional support when he’s running?
He’s lying and using this as an excuse to carry on doing what he’s doing.
I’d ask him what providing him with more emotional support look like for him?
What about your needs?
You want to be a family - he’s acting like he wants to be single!!!

So you are to sit breathless hanging on his every word, make sure you drop everything to ‘service’ his needs at the drop of a hat so that he gets emotional support and fulfilment? And because you don’t do that he’ll go back to his emotionally supportive activities as running (a solo activity).

Meanwhile, you’ve tried telling him several times over the space of years that he’s absent and you need more because your marriage - he - is emotionally unfulfilling.

His response was to tell you to get used to it by filling the void with your own hobbies so he could carry on with his, guilt-free.

Fuck that shit.

So we had a big talk on Sunday/Monday, got it all out there. He says that there is a lot of work with one of his hobbies (the 60 mile drive away one) due to reopening after the lockdown (he's on the committee). He is considering whether to do the ultramarathon or not. He has arranged for some friends to be his support crew, so me and DS don't have to spend a weekend trailing after him :-/

We had a nice night together on Tuesday night. Wednesday night he was out running with a mate. Thursday he was on a hobby committee zoom call all evening. This morning he was out running and now he is out at his hobby. He is out running tomorrow morning.

He does pull his weight with chores. Eg he cooked most nights in the week just gone and did a deep clean of the kitchen while I was doing DS story etc last night.

This level of hobbies is not really normal or ok though is it?

This level of hobbies is not really normal or ok though is it?

No and as you sat down and had a talk with him and this is what he has done this week AFTER the discussion, it shows that he is going to do exactly what he likes, when he likes.
My ex was like this... note EX. You can't maintain a relationship with someone when they decide to grace you with their presence one evening a week and the rest of the time they are doing whatever they want while you bring up their children.
He won't change OP - he has shown you this.

did a deep clean of the kitchen while I was doing DS story etc last night

Whoopee Doop. Can't have been much of a deep clean if it could be completed in the time it took you to read DS a story.

What keeps leaping out to me is hobbies - plural.

Surely even someone as dense as he seems to be must realise something has to give once children come along?

I've got a selfish man too. They don't change so you need to either bitch to him, he'll gaslight you or leave him to his hobbies. You'll get some weekends to yourself too. I hate selfish men there are too many of them.

Well it doesn’t sound much of a marriage to be honest. He might do some chores but he seems to be out/occupied with his hobby more than at home with you and your son. Obviously a marriage can work like that if you both accept or want this much separation but it really doesn’t sound as if you do. If this is him on good behaviour a week after your talk I don’t hold out much hope longer term. You’re resentful now, this will just fester and get worse.

To answer your question the level of hobby your DH is indulging in is just that an indulgence of someone who wants the freedom to pursue his interests as if he doesn't have parental responsibilities. What if you disappeared for all those evenings and weekend mornings leaving him with your son? There would be very little family time and your child would be used uo seeing his parents in shifts. Things change when you have children but like a lot of men your DH is expecting to take up the lion's share of free time to himself.

So I don't think it's reasonable what he's doing. There is another thread on AIBU about cricket, another DH wanting to disappear at weekends leaving his wife to childcare on her own. In an ideal world there would be a compromise, you would share the free time a couple of sessions each each week but my experience has been that they use the emotional manipulation to do what they want. I very much doubt one ultrsmarathon will be enough.

This isn’t okay. He’s too selfish to work out that once you have children, time-consuming personal activities have to be significantly trimmed back. And to suggest he’s doing it because you’re not giving him enough attention is actually disgusting. What a manipulative thing to do.

It’s not a case of whether it’s normal or not , it’s a case of whether it is acceptable to you , which it obviously is not . From reading the posts it would seem to me that you want a family relationship being social as a family etc he wants a home base to do his hobbies from . Just doing more hobbies yourself isn’t going to solve your problem because it’s not what you want .

He is selfish.
He is taking you and his family for granted.

You are being neglected.

@Floralnomad has it. It's not the amount of time doing hobbies, it's the difference in outlook. It sounds like you could if you wanted have equal hobby time. But you want to spend more time together and he doesn't.

I'm more like your dh in this scenario. I get bored easily so I need to keep active, keep trying new things, be on committees(!) etc.
If he timetabled some 'together' and/or family/childcare time would that help you to be more accepting of his hobbies?

How much time dies he spend with your DC?

The 50/50 rota might be a good idea. My exH was like this and it drove us apart as I resented being left at home with two young kids all the time (plus he then ended up having an affair). I divorced him and years down the line he still pines for his old, easy life and hates single parenting.

Could be worth making him think about what his alternate life would be like.

He spends a reasonable amount of time with DS. On one of his long runs last weekend, DS went along on his bike. It's nice father son time in some ways. However when he's out/busy in the evenings of course that leaves the evening childcare to me.

I had a read of that cricket thread. Very similar issues.

Pre-lockdown we had gone to a 50/50 type thing. He does a reasonable share of chores and childcare. I used to go away for weekends etc to even things up. But it doesn't really leave time as a family unit or as a couple. I've re-evaluated things during lockdown and I don't want to go back to that. I know that it is me asking to change things from how they had settled, but I don't think what I want is unreasonable.

I'm going to talk to him again tonight when he's back from the hobby

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Your ultimately selfish husband is not going to change, all you can do here is change how you react to him.

I would personally show him the door given his overall attitude and leave him to his hobbies. He needs to be single and you need to find an unselfish man who does not put his own self and his hobby time first to the exclusion of family life.

"He spends a reasonable amount of time with DS. On one of his long runs last weekend, DS went along on his bike".

Your H went out and your DS decided to go along with him. If he had not had done that, his father would likely have gone out without him.

This man does not spend any real amount of time, let alone a reasonable amount of time, with either of you. His hobbies come first and those are more important to him. And what is your definition of a reasonable amount of time. He also cooking (that takes a limited amount of time) along with supposedly deep cleaning the kitchen does not make up for the fact that he is selfish re his time and remains so. He doing that was not spending time with you people either.

Have you ever read the article by James Cracknell former wife, who details what his focus did to their marriage?

"As any woman will admit, there comes a time when you are sick of waking up alone on holiday because these alpha males are already at the laptop or on the rowing machine,' she said"

Also he failed to discuss his plans in any detail with his wife, to row the Atlantic despite them having a 2 year old

I think that some men pursue their goals without any consideration for family and 30 years ago women did have to tolerate it because the men had the power. It isn't the same now. I think family orientated men need to be celebrated rather than those who do ultra marathons. These men should have remained single as their sports focus isn't really compatible with marriage and family.

You need to plan it all write it down as obvious as it seems in black and white or on a charts it's more visual and get your point across .
But if you nail him to the floor thats your hobbies and weekends away gone as well .

@Floralnomad, your comment about him wanting a homebase to do his hobbies from really strikes a child with me. When I split from my ex husband I asked him why he had got married when he spent so little time at home or with us and his response was that 'he liked having someone at home'. Says it all really. Housekeeper and childcare at home, out and about like a single man. Some men are just not cut out for family life.

Chord not child!

How much time do you spend together as a family? Does he join in child centred things?