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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
JanewaysBun · 02/04/2021 12:28

Imo you've helped her to not waste a second more of her precious life on this fool.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/04/2021 12:28

@Iamthewombat

Yes. I know what you wrote. What you appear to have not noticed is that you are suggesting yourself that if she HADN'T noticed it was because she was too dim, not because some men are consummate liars.

Nope, sorry. I’m getting tired of explaining this now, but I’ll have another go.

My position, frequently repeated, is that women are NOT stupid. They know if something is amiss in their relationship with their spouse. To suggest that the other woman has some sort of moral responsibility to inform the wife, unsolicited, of her husband’s behaviour, because how would she ever realise otherwise, assumes that she isn’t able to work out for herself that her husband might be engaging with other women.

That’s the insult: assuming that the poor dear is clueless and needs a stranger’s help, whether she needs it or not.

And yet it happens that women do NOT know until they are told, even on this thread someone has said that. Just because you are so sure that you would know, does not mean that everyone knows. Some women don't. And your implication is that they'd have to be stupid/dim NOT to know. Which is exactly MY point, that I keep explaining to you. Hmm

Not everyone is the same.

DazzlingHaze · 02/04/2021 12:32

You did the right thing OP, regardless of your motives. I was on the other side of a situation like this. My long term DP had cheated on me and the OW's husband messaged me. I am under no illusions that he did this with good intentions; he'd been sitting on the info for 2 months and my DP and I had just bought and moved into our first home when he messaged me. I know he was telling me out of spite because he couldn't bear to see my ex get the happy ending with the house etc while his marriage had been destroyed. However, 4 years on I am still so grateful to him for telling me as it gave me the push to leave that relationship which I knew deep down wasn't right for me.

I kept the house we'd just bought and have lived happily on my own with the kitten we bought and I've been with a man I am truly in love with for just over a year. The OW's husband's spiteful message led me to the kind of happiness I couldn't have even dreamed of back then.

Grumpylate20s · 02/04/2021 12:32

@Iamthewombat

Yes. I know what you wrote. What you appear to have not noticed is that you are suggesting yourself that if she HADN'T noticed it was because she was too dim, not because some men are consummate liars.

Nope, sorry. I’m getting tired of explaining this now, but I’ll have another go.

My position, frequently repeated, is that women are NOT stupid. They know if something is amiss in their relationship with their spouse. To suggest that the other woman has some sort of moral responsibility to inform the wife, unsolicited, of her husband’s behaviour, because how would she ever realise otherwise, assumes that she isn’t able to work out for herself that her husband might be engaging with other women.

That’s the insult: assuming that the poor dear is clueless and needs a stranger’s help, whether she needs it or not.

Does it really matter?! Honestly no, give your advice move on. That goes for the both of you, stop throwing insults of the fence
Grumpylate20s · 02/04/2021 12:32

@JanewaysBun

Imo you've helped her to not waste a second more of her precious life on this fool.
EXACTLY!
Tal45 · 02/04/2021 12:33

@Iamthewombat

Let's support the man, shall we? Support him in his cheating. Let's all stay quiet and compliant.

Not one person on this thread has ‘supported the man’. Show us one message where somebody has.

So if I knew you had been cheated on, would you want me to keep it to myself? If your husband sent me dick pics, sexted me... would you just not want to know? Genuinely interested to know.

I would have worked out that something was going on LONG before a drunk, vengeful woman he’d been messaging for months decided to contact me “for my own good”, thanks.

No one can say for sure that they would be able to work out that something was going on, it's extremely naive to assume you would just know. Men can be extremely manipulative, excellent liars and are often out the house for long periods of time with work. People see what they want/expect to see, if you trust someone you are not watching out for them to be cheating, if you are constantly watching out then you have no trust and the relationship is worthless anyway.

I thikn you did the right thing OP, I would want to know. He is the cause of any fallout not you, you are as much a victim as his wife. He now has to face the consequences of his actions.

DottyFlossie · 02/04/2021 12:36

I think you did the right thing. If my husband was behaving like that, I would want to know .

Firevixen · 02/04/2021 12:39

I dont think there is a correct answer to this situation. All you can do is act in a way you would want if you were the wife.

If it were me, I would want to know. Everyone is different though, and you can only do what you think is best.

Dont beat yourself up though OP, you're not the one who is cheating, he is. This is his mess, that he created.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 12:39

@DottyFlossie

I think you did the right thing. If my husband was behaving like that, I would want to know .
But that's you.
Iamthewombat · 02/04/2021 12:41

And yet it happens that women do NOT know until they are told, even on this thread someone has said that.

And those women will, most likely, have been told by friends or family, who will confirm the suspicions they already have. The number of women who were entirely unaware of their husband’s infidelity until informed by the other woman vanishingly small. Those women aren’t dim either.

Just because you are so sure that you would know, does not mean that everyone knows. Some women don't. And your implication is that they'd have to be stupid/dim NOT to know.

No, it isn’t. I don’t need to imply anything. I have been explicit. Women are not stupid and don’t need vengeful strangers to contact them to enlighten them.

CirqueDeMorgue · 02/04/2021 12:41

As pp say, the general consensus here is that you would want to know that your husband was a cheat. She might not thank you now but eventually, who knows? I would be extremely upset to receive such a message but at least then I would have the option to get out of a fake marriage.

Youcanhavehim · 02/04/2021 12:43

Imagine my surprise to read this, what a coincidence..... don't think you are the first OP you are one of many and by no means special in any way.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 12:44

@Youcanhavehim

Imagine my surprise to read this, what a coincidence..... don't think you are the first OP you are one of many and by no means special in any way.
👀👀👀👀
Bluntness100 · 02/04/2021 12:46

@Youcanhavehim

Imagine my surprise to read this, what a coincidence..... don't think you are the first OP you are one of many and by no means special in any way.
Hmmm,, first post or name changed? Are you trying to imply you got the messages? Becayse if you were not the person who did that’s fairly sick.
CourchevelCornichon · 02/04/2021 12:47

So if I knew you had been cheated on, would you want me to keep it to myself? If your husband sent me dick pics, sexted me... would you just not want to know? Genuinely interested to know.

I would have worked out that something was going on LONG before a drunk, vengeful woman he’d been messaging for months decided to contact me “for my own good”, thanks.

How? Men can be very secretive and manipulative! This is a ridiculous assumption.

chalktheblockwithglitterchalk · 02/04/2021 12:47

@Youcanhavehim

Imagine my surprise to read this, what a coincidence..... don't think you are the first OP you are one of many and by no means special in any way.
Are you the wife?Hmm
Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 12:48

What I want doesn't matter, because I'm not the woman.

therocinante · 02/04/2021 12:50

Wouldn't surprise me if it was someone thinking they're clever/funny 🙄

OP you did what I think is the right thing for the wrong reason, but ultimately she deserved to know anyway. Sorry this shitbag led you on.

DuchessOfDoombar · 02/04/2021 12:52

@Iamthewombat I have to disagree that every woman knows.

I didn’t. I am not dim, I am not naive, I am not clueless and yet I had not a single notion that he was cheating.

And by the time the first OW got in touch my partner had cheated several times, online and in person.

He was and is a highly skilled liar and manipulator who has a very long history of cheating on partners, which I knew nothing about. No one was is a victim of a person like this should be blamed for not knowing.

To this day my ex has women - intelligent, independent, strong women who take no shit - swooning over what a brilliant man of integrity he is.

Some people are just good at hiding their deceptions.

That doesn’t mean that women who don’t spot this aren’t as astute as you.

Maybe it just means you are lucky enough not to have encountered a person like this yet or unfortunately have and have learned the hard way.

toastfiend · 02/04/2021 12:52

Seems like OP can't win. If she had met up with him and they'd been sleeping together someone would no doubt have popped up going on about "during lockdown" with liberal use of this emoji Hmm.

For what it's worth, OP, whatever the reason you did it, if I'd been the wife in this situation I'd absolutely have wanted to know (although probably could have done without the cock shots). If my DH did something like this, whilst I'd be devastated, I would also be grateful to the other person if they did make me aware after they found out. At least I wouldn't be living a lie anymore. It makes me really uncomfortable the number of people who wouldn't and who would allow someone to go on being treated like that unknowingly. It's not like you entered into it knowing he was in a relationship, and when you found out you ended it, so you're absolutely not the one at fault here. What a dick he is.

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2021 12:53

Wouldn't surprise me if it was someone thinking they're clever/funny

Yup. That’s the risk, there is always one.

CourchevelCornichon · 02/04/2021 12:55

@Iamthewombat similar to @DuchessOfDoombar

I didn't know I was being cheated on, I also don't think I'm particularly dim. I'm usually quite astute, have a level of emotional intelligence! I know lots of people who had no idea, genuinely no idea.

RantyAnty · 02/04/2021 12:56

Try not to be too hard on yourself.

He is the liar and a cheat.
That comes with consequences. It's all on him.
Who knows how many other women he's been doing this with.

You were right to tell her regardless of the reasons.

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 02/04/2021 12:59

Some bizarre views on here! Laughing at the people saying it's "appalling" to have told the truth. Very odd.

ClarkeGriffin · 02/04/2021 13:01

@Iamthewombat

Yes. I know what you wrote. What you appear to have not noticed is that you are suggesting yourself that if she HADN'T noticed it was because she was too dim, not because some men are consummate liars.

Nope, sorry. I’m getting tired of explaining this now, but I’ll have another go.

My position, frequently repeated, is that women are NOT stupid. They know if something is amiss in their relationship with their spouse. To suggest that the other woman has some sort of moral responsibility to inform the wife, unsolicited, of her husband’s behaviour, because how would she ever realise otherwise, assumes that she isn’t able to work out for herself that her husband might be engaging with other women.

That’s the insult: assuming that the poor dear is clueless and needs a stranger’s help, whether she needs it or not.

For someone who is trying to say we are insulting women, it's actually you that is doing it.

You're assuming all women will know exactly when their partner is cheating on them. The rest of us know that's not the case. Some men are actually very sneaky and leave no clues.

You're maybe not meaning to, but you are calling those women who don't know stupid, and there are many.