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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
MarshmallowAra · 02/04/2021 09:12

She might believe you or she might think you are a spiteful fantasist.

The latter is not likely if the messages show him engaging with op (and he had no reason to engage with op, a woman he doesn't know, who's not local, platonically). Even more so if they're remotely flirtatious or romantic or it's clear he's portraying himself as single in them.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 02/04/2021 09:18

As someone who has been on the other side I would have been grateful for the message. And I hope she will eventually. Well done for sussing him out from his work ID clue. He is the only one to blame for all this. My ex always denied my suspicions, but thankfully I eventually managed to piece together the little bits I found online and had enough to confirm what I already knew deep down. Bizarrely in my ex’s case, he had taken photos of a friend of mine (female) and was using them to chat to men online. I ended up logging into the messenger app as this persona he had created and saw how many people he had been talking to online. I didn’t contact anyone proactively and frustratingly didn’t ask any questions, but two started up a conversation and I sent a short message explaining who I was and that they’d been catfished.

It made me realise how dangerous online relationships can be, presumably these were men thinking they were exchanging sexual messages with a woman they liked, not knowing it was another man all the time.

Original poster
BeenSuchaStupidCow · 02/04/2021 09:22

I sent her a brief message telling her what he’d been doing, the dates, the OLD site we’d met, a précis of what he’d told me about his circumstances and that I’d never have got involved if I’d known the truth. I then added a couple of the sexual pics he’d sent where you could see some of the room in the background, a couple of screenshots of some of the chat where he made promises/was particularly affectionate to me, and a screenshot of part of his fake FB page showing his profile pic. And I admit, and I’m not at all proud of this now, that the main thought in my head as I was doing it was “let’s see you wriggle out of this” BlushSad

OP posts:
Bomchiccawick · 02/04/2021 09:24

You haven’t done anything wrong, he fooled you and is attempting to cheat on his wife. You did the right thing OP. Honestly don’t beat yourself up.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 02/04/2021 09:24

You weren't stupid. I wish everyone would do this. I'd definitely want to know!

Original poster
BeenSuchaStupidCow · 02/04/2021 09:25

promises to meet that should say.

OP posts:
CaesarsDream · 02/04/2021 09:26

You did the right thing. I would have wanted to know too.

CantBeAssed · 02/04/2021 09:27

Did you continue to engage woth him after you found out he was married. I think the answer to this will answer why you decided to contact his wife?Hmm

howmanyhats · 02/04/2021 09:27

Please, please stop beating yourself up. I'd want to know. He's a married man with an online dating profile. He'll do it again. His wife only has one life, she deserves the chance of happiness with someone who's not lying to her every single day.

Carpetssss · 02/04/2021 09:27

OP you have behaved with honor and integrity. You dumped him when you found out he was married and while you may have been dis-inhibited by drink when you let his wife know who her husband really is and what he is really up to, telling her was a painful kindness. Don’t beat yourself up about your motives, you have set her free. All those nagging doubts she will have had, all her feeling that something is off will finally have an explanation. If he had a fake FB account this is very unlikely to be his first rodeo and he may well have put her sexual health at risk pre-Covid.
You are right to give her a way of contacting you for more info, if she’s abusive just block her, she will be hurt, and it’s just human nature to attack the perceived OW even if you were unaware he was married.
Look after yourself, focus on doing nice things for you and try and get past this drama. You are no doubt sad and disappointed by this man toying with you, but try and pick yourself up and focus on the future. You are a good person who has been messed about but you have nothing to be ashamed of. Be kind to yourself. See your friends IRL and have some fun. There are some awful people in the world like this man and be grateful you have got away.

AlohaMolly · 02/04/2021 09:28

Don’t be ashamed OP. She might hate you to begin with but in time I know I’d come to think of you as a distant ally, even if I never replied to your messages. Regardless of your intentions, you’ve given her a bit of power because that’s what knowledge is. She can choose to stay or leave, acknowledge or ignore, but at least she’s in full possession of the facts.

Arbadacarba · 02/04/2021 09:28

There's a mistake in your OP; I've corrected it for you:

I’ve ruined Her cheating scumbag of her husband has ruined this poor woman’s life

kittycorner · 02/04/2021 09:29

He ruined his wife's life, not you. You just made sure she was aware.

Maybe you wouldn't have done it if you'd slept on it. But this isn't your fault.

Onlinedilema · 02/04/2021 09:30

You have done the right thing.

MarshmallowAra · 02/04/2021 09:30

I then added a couple of the sexual pics he’d sent where you could see some of the room in the background

I didn't catch that it had actually become sexual in the op; well, that's clearly cheating (not that I wouldn't see signing into dating sites, saying you're single and messaging back and forth not cheating).

You did the right thing.

And I reiterate to the poster above - how exactly is ok going to be seen as a spiteful fantasist by his partner when she's been sent dick pics or whatever by him, on top of the messaging.

feathersandferns · 02/04/2021 09:30

I think you did the right thing. I would want to know.

giao · 02/04/2021 09:31

I don't understand why some posters are so hung up on your motive OP.

It doesn't matter why you did it, it's human to want a bit of revenge, we can't all be saintly all of the time.

His wife should know, now she does.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 09:34

@RoxanneMonke

Why appalling? It’s not the OP that has acted badly here. This is debated regularly on here and the general consensus is usually that the wife would want to know.
No, the consensus is that they would want to know.

Why on earth do people speak for other wome ?

OP, it is appalling. Mainly because you didn't do this for the benefit of this woman.

A few week affair and you think your pain is enough to constitute doing this.

MarshmallowAra · 02/04/2021 09:35

@CantBeAssed

Did you continue to engage woth him after you found out he was married. I think the answer to this will answer why you decided to contact his wife?Hmm
What do you mean by engage with?

If you mean she confronted him or expressed her anger and offense; not many people wouldn't?

You.seem to be trying to pin op.to the wall here but you're approach and thinking us fucked up.

Who cares why she did it.

People who sign up on dating sites saying they're single, message others, send them sexual pics etc re cheating ... And if thru get caught and their partner funds out; proper order.

If you fuck with people mess them.about, waste their time, hurt them etc - they'll get angry, they'll want people to know you've done it .... It's entirely to be expected and the victim is not in the wrong for it.

Disabrie22 · 02/04/2021 09:36

I had a friend in this situation, not married but really loved the man - wanted to marry him. Another woman sent her pictures of their messages when she confronted him. His comments about my friend were horrific - it showed him to be completely vile and uncaring. He then had the cheek to leave continual voicemails and texted aggressive images on my friends phone telling her to intercede with his other woman as he wanted her more! My friend took years to get over the trauma but ultimately it exposed him for the abusive twat he really was.

Disabrie22 · 02/04/2021 09:36

In other words OP - what you did wasn’t the end of the world - most women would rather know - I know I would.

ClarkeGriffin · 02/04/2021 09:37

People are really weird on here.

So if your husband was cheating on you, chatting to other woman, setting it up so eventually he could shag these other women, potentially get them pregnant and/or give you an std, you wouldn't want to know? Confused Do you not give a shit about yourselves, your life or your health?

Of course she should know. If they have an open relationship, then no harm done right? Because she's happy for him to do it. She can read it, not give a toss and move on.

However if it's not an open relationship, she now knows what her husband is capable of. She knows he's a cheating knob head.

MarshmallowAra · 02/04/2021 09:37

OP, it is appalling. Mainly because you didn't do this for the benefit of this woman.

But his partner benefits either way so what does it matter.

A few week affair and you think your pain is enough to constitute doing this.

It is.

She has the right to let his partner know he is cheating in her.

What I don't understand is why you'd want his partner not to know???!!! Do you like people being deceived in their relationship, do you like them being cheated on, do you like them being taken for a fool, do you like them investing heavily in unfaithful men?

Seriously, what is wrong with you?

something2say · 02/04/2021 09:38

Ive just rtft and think it's sad all round. For MONTHS he's led you on and been a prt of your life! Now you've found out all this. It's distasteful. And some of that has rubbed off on you. The best thing to do is delete everything and begin the process of getting over him. It's such a shame that some people will actively seek to deceive others in getting what they want. He had no thought of your life, your hopes no wishes, and he's made a mockery of his vows and his marriage. It's distasteful and sad and disappointing. I hope you hear nothing from either of them again and that your heart helps in good time and you find it in you to try again with a man. As for the wife and the morning she is now having, bless her too. But him? He deserves everything that's coming for him.

Butwasitherdriveway · 02/04/2021 09:39

@MarshmallowAra

OP, it is appalling. Mainly because you didn't do this for the benefit of this woman.

But his partner benefits either way so what does it matter.

A few week affair and you think your pain is enough to constitute doing this.

It is.

She has the right to let his partner know he is cheating in her.

What I don't understand is why you'd want his partner not to know???!!! Do you like people being deceived in their relationship, do you like them being cheated on, do you like them being taken for a fool, do you like them investing heavily in unfaithful men?

Seriously, what is wrong with you?

Benefits?

You lot have lost sight of the fact there is an actual person behind a computer screen, not a yayyy for scorned women and they all come together and toast each other.

Your last post is garbage, given that OP did not do this for any of those reasons.

Nothing is wrong with me pet.