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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something really stupid and I’m so ashamed

761 replies

BeenSuchaStupidCow · 01/04/2021 23:23

NC for this because I’m so ashamed of myself, I’ve been so stupid. For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a guy I met through OLD. Because of COVID we’d never met yet. I found out a couple of weeks ago he’s married and I’m gutted, I really really liked him. Tonight I’ve done something I shouldn’t and I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late and I’m disgusted with myself. I found his wife on FB and I sent her a message telling her her man’s a cheat. And I sent her some photos he’d sent me in our chats. Now I feel so guilty that I’ve ruined this poor woman’s life and I wish I’d never said anything. It was a stupid impulse after I’d had a couple of drinks and I wish I could take them back. I can see she’s read it but she’s not replied. I keep thinking of what I’ve done and going hot with shame. Why was I so stupid and destructive?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeenSuchaStupidCow · 02/04/2021 08:40

Well yes, in normal circumstances I wouldn’t have let anything go on anywhere near that long without meeting but last year wasn’t normal circumstances in case people didn’t notice Hmm. I’ve explained above why we hadn’t met yet and as for it becoming sexual, I thought I was chatting to a nice single man who might, just might have become a future DP, with whom there was a mutual attraction from the early, non-sexual photos.

OP posts:
Teardrop2021 · 02/04/2021 08:40

Can't believe those who are attacking op for telling
the wife because she never meet up with. He's on an online dating site. Its clear he had every intention of using it as a way to meet up with multiple women behind his wife's back but has been prevented with op due to covid. The likelihood is op won't be the only one and the hes likely meet up with others. So atleast the wife has been give the information needed to proceed with the next steps she wishes to take but op isn't responsible the DH is it was his actions that have caused it. I think op did the right thing.

MaLarkinn · 02/04/2021 08:42

You've done it for revenge and yes that is terrible.

Trixie78 · 02/04/2021 08:42

Not your fault, completely understandable reaction although I get what you mean. Doing it in anger after a couple drinks probably isn't your finest hour but I'd probably have done the same tbh. You've done her a massive favour, he's destroyed her world. Block and move on xx

rainbowstardrops · 02/04/2021 08:44

I honestly don't think you've done anything wrong, quite the opposite.

I would 100% want to know if my husband was cheating on me and I find it baffling when people know about cheating arseholes and they say they'd keep the information to themselves. Why? How on earth could you sleep at night knowing that someone is most likely being made a fool of and you're sitting back and letting it happen?!

OP, his wife can now make up her own mind on how she wants things to go but at least she now has a choice.

I'd be thanking you

Thewinterofdiscontent · 02/04/2021 08:44

@cherry2727

I can't believe that posters are saying that you've done his wife a massive favour?! Do you honestly think his wife is going to leave him because of a few random messages from a stranger ??! Most likely she will now be anxious , stressed and very unhappy if she wasn't prior to this! You haven't even met him in person so why bother ?! I always look at the motive of the act and your motive was quite vindictive!
She’ll be anxious, stressed and unhappy with the truth though. Now she can sort her marriage one way or another. Not knowing your marriage is in trouble and living a lie is worse.
Original poster
BeenSuchaStupidCow · 02/04/2021 08:44

Thank you Bluntness for hammering home how much of an idiot I was to take him at his word, as if I haven’t given myself a hard enough time about it already. And a socially distanced walk would have involved a very long drive (several hours), and stupidly I trusted him when he told me he’d talked over meeting me with his brother and his brother was uncomfortable with the level of risk just yet and he hoped I’d understand, he’d understand if I didn’t want to wait for things to improve blah blah blah. Of course now I can see how I was being strung along!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/04/2021 08:45

Ah op, I’m sorry, he really led you on and took advantage. Last year was normal in that you could easily have met for a socially distanced walk and late summer early autumn we were not in lock down, we were in tiers. Pubs, coffee shops etc were all open.

I think recognising this man was just a catfish and it wasn’t real is important, and also recognising you cannot envisage a future with a stranger. Until you meet they are a stranger, and as you’ve witnessed could be anyone, lying and leading you on.

There’s something very wrong with him that he’d do this to you, feel sorry for his wife, but you do need to also take some personal responsibility here as well, the signs were there something was very wrong, Very wrong indeed.

Try to just put it behind you, and be more cautious next time, if they don’t want to meet you, then stop talking to them.

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2021 08:45

@BeenSuchaStupidCow

Thank you Bluntness for hammering home how much of an idiot I was to take him at his word, as if I haven’t given myself a hard enough time about it already. And a socially distanced walk would have involved a very long drive (several hours), and stupidly I trusted him when he told me he’d talked over meeting me with his brother and his brother was uncomfortable with the level of risk just yet and he hoped I’d understand, he’d understand if I didn’t want to wait for things to improve blah blah blah. Of course now I can see how I was being strung along!
Sorry I get you’re upset and that’s not my intent. 💐

I wasn’t aware the distance was so great that you lived several hours apart. So yes meeting would have been very difficult.

InsufferablePerformanceFather · 02/04/2021 08:49

If I were the wife, I'd want to know. The motivation of the OW in telling me wouldn't make any difference. I'd rather deal with reality than be blind to a loved one treating me badly. You're good with me OP. 😁

Weareunloved · 02/04/2021 08:50

I was in a similar situation though they weren't anything near married, he was just two timing both of us but he was 'official' with her and tried to hide it from me but still leading me on.

I found her and told her everything including him lying to me that he was single.

She replied "this is unhealthy weareunloved" . Her problem really, she chose to ignore it.

Anyway, don't beat yourself up. If I were the wife I'd want to know too, and whilst she'll be hurt and angry she will thank you in time I'm sure.

Cocopogo · 02/04/2021 08:51

I don’t know why you are so angry at yourself. If I was her I’d want to know. You haven’t done anything wrong. Yes it was impulsive but your gut was telling you to do the right thing. When the OW contacted me it was hard, I was never angry with her though because she never knew about me and as soon as she did she contacted me and told me everything. Me and DP are still together and in some ways I wish I never found out and could live in blissful ignorance but tbh there were signs and his denials and me feeling like I was going mad was worse. It’s that that I find the hardest to forgive DP for.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/04/2021 08:54

Well he sounds like he was just messing with you for the thrill of it, if you’ve never even met well surely the wife still deserves to know this?
It would still be a deal breaker for me, I'd still want to know.

*Yo could easily have met, many many times. Did that not ring alarm bells for you? Nearly a year of messaging and you’d not even went for a socially distanced walk? They started chatting in Aug, when shielding was on. Sept/Oct - still early esp given the distance. Let's just see how the cases go, we've been spending for months and my brother is really worried... Nov/Dec the cases are rising and lockdown sets in. Shielding starts again. It's literally the last few dates they could have met again

You don’t know what was going on in their marriage or why he started this but never physically carried it out, and kept it to some online texting bit of fun it's still cheating!

and his wife’s deserves to know, but doing anything out of spite and vindictiveness is never a positive* so you only want to know your DH Is sending dick pics of the rationale is entirely altruistic? You'd rather him carry on doing it behind your back of people are just telling you because they're hurt and upset??

Moonstone1234 · 02/04/2021 08:54

I have to say as a married women myself we would want to know... but in reality a lot of women don’t. They blame the other women time and time again. I have over the years a few friends who have been hit upon by friend’s husbands. Two told their friends and were told they weren’t believed and the friendship stopped. So for all of those who say they would like to know...is that really what you mean?

MarshmallowAra · 02/04/2021 08:57

now I’ve made her suffer because of a stupid misjudgement

No, he's made her suffer because he's out trying to cheat on her.

You did the right thing.

Posters who say "you don't seriously think she'll leave him over a few messages to s stranger"... You don't seriously think behaviour like this is isolated in men like this, do you?

Maybe she's already aware of it but not the extent, maybe she's given him an ultimatum already for previous and this is breaking it, maybe this is the heads up to his behaviour that he'll get away with this time but not the next time that repeats it.
Maybe she's TTC with him and will put it off (rightly).

Op's fine her a massive favour, she knows now - if she didn't before - that he's representing himself as single as trying to line up cheating prospects.

Wide · 02/04/2021 08:57

Listen it really is shit for the wife and yes it would seem ehat you have done to be nasty and spiteful but she needs to know!! He could have messaged other women too so you have opened her eyes, I'd want to know! When you found out he had a wife you ended things, you are not a bad person. You need to move on with your life. If o was the wife I'd want answers first so maybe don't block her yet as she will never get closure

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2021 08:58

I think this is worse than cheating if I’m honest, it’s taking advantage of someone and it’s cruel. I’d want to know. If you can set up fake profiles and try to con someone who lives several hours away from you then there is something very wrong with you indeed.

user7891011 · 02/04/2021 09:04

You've done the right thing?! Well done!

Scbchl · 02/04/2021 09:06

As a married woman I'd of appreciated the messages.

ginislife · 02/04/2021 09:08

Not sure I condone what you did last night as it was a bit hasty and probably vindictive but I completely get where you're coming from with the investment and feeling so let down. I got chatting to someone on line last week. For a change on PoF he seemed a decent guy, reasonably good looking, similar age to me, professional career, easy to chat with, funny etc. The chat went on sporadically throughout the day as we were both working and I started to think "ooooh might be worth meeting up with this one". Turns out he is married. 2 kids. Lives with his wife but lead separate lives, separate bedrooms, no sex. So he goes elsewhere for sex. That's not what I'm looking for. I don't want to be someone's second best. It was only 6 hours or so but I felt so let down so if you've invested since August last year I completely get how you feel. It makes you feel like shit.

Confusedandshaken · 02/04/2021 09:09

This is really sad. Sad you were taken in and sad this woman has to confront the reality of her husbands cheating.

There not a lot you can do about it right now OP. She might believe you or she might think you are a spiteful fantasist. It's out of your hands. All you can do is learn from this whole unhappy episode and move on.

MarshmallowAra · 02/04/2021 09:09

@Bluntness100

I think this is worse than cheating if I’m honest, it’s taking advantage of someone and it’s cruel. I’d want to know. If you can set up fake profiles and try to con someone who lives several hours away from you then there is something very wrong with you indeed.
I don't think it's worse than cheating but I agree that behaviouf like this, even if he never intended to actually meet op, is shitty and verging on cruel to the single women he's doing it to too.

Messing with people who are genuinely single and who are putting themselves out there trying to meet someone when you're not (but are pretending you're single) reflects significantly on the person doing it, and his partner should know that about his character as well.

Outbutnotoutout · 02/04/2021 09:10

@cherry2727

I can't believe that posters are saying that you've done his wife a massive favour?! Do you honestly think his wife is going to leave him because of a few random messages from a stranger ??! Most likely she will now be anxious , stressed and very unhappy if she wasn't prior to this! You haven't even met him in person so why bother ?! I always look at the motive of the act and your motive was quite vindictive!
Because he is a cheat

He may have done it before, this might be the straw

Alreadyinmypyjamas · 02/04/2021 09:10

Unpopular opinion but I don't think you've done anything wrong.

He's the one that's to blame; not you. If I were the wife, I'd want to know.

Stop beating yourself up.

AnyOldPrion · 02/04/2021 09:11

The only things you did wrong were to need alcohol to do this and to feel bad about it afterwards. You haven’t ruined her life, he has.

Another perspective: I spent many years in a marriage that just wasn’t very good. I lived with low-level abuse and put up with it supposedly for the sake of the children. I sometimes wish he had hit me as it would have been a definitive reason to leave. I might have welcomed your information as that would have been a concrete problem that would have given me the push to go. I get that I shouldn’t have needed it, but I’ve skolen to many other women in marriages that are similar.

So perhaps you’ve done her a favour. You have no idea what her marriage is like. Maybe she’s suspected him of cheating before and lives with the pain of suspicion because she’s never managed to get proof.

You’re assuming she is in a perfect marriage and you’ve ruined it. You’re painting it that way in your head because you’ve been raised to turn your justifiable anger on yourself. You’ve been raised to punish yourself with guilt for the actions of others.

If you were her, wouldn’t you want to know? I know I would.

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