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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared to be in a relationship because of sex?

119 replies

Changedanon · 31/03/2021 15:40

Does anyone else never want to be in a relationship?
I am 24 and I don't think I ever want another boyfriend.
Sex scares me because every guy I meet who is my age is into choking. All the guys that I have slept with have either tried to do it without permission or asked if they could. If I say I don't like it they call me boring or "vanilla".
I have had guys choke me and slap me and I've wondered whats wrong with me? Why don't I like it? Blush

I spoke to friends about it and they have had the same thing happen to them, most guys our age want girlfriends who like it. Some of my friends pretend to like it to keep boyfriends happy but I can't do that.

One of my friends dates older men as she stays many are OK with vanilla, they are just happy to be having sex with a younger womanShock but I dont fancy that either.

I am pretty happy being single. I would have liked to have had a boyfriend but not if that's what sex is like.
I love having men as friends, just not interested in sexual relationships.
Am I the weird one?
Do you think you can "train" yourself to like something?

Can you be happy being single forever?

(I know it's not all men but I've not met any that are OK with no choking yet)

OP posts:
MazekeenSmith · 31/03/2021 15:43

That is so sad :(
There ARE men who don't want that and you don't have to resign yourself to being single forever but what you do need to do is be brutal about a) having the conversation before you get in bed and b) rejecting anyone who doesn't respect your boundaries.

Samanabanana · 31/03/2021 15:47

Oh gosh, I wouldn't want sex either in that scenario. It's so not normal to be hit and choked during sex (unless it's mutually consensual!) and doesn't make you unusual not to want that. There's so much more to sex than that. I'm shocked tbh that all the guys you've slept with before have all been in to it Shock

AllTheWayFromLondonDAMN · 31/03/2021 15:53

This is so bleak. I’m ten years older than you and this has not been my experience with sex. It must be the prevalence of free, hardcore porn driving this and it’s beyond depressing.

Tinpotdictator · 31/03/2021 16:00

What the hell? Choking????
What is happening to men?!!

Hailtomyteeth · 31/03/2021 16:03

No, you don't 'train yourself' to like choking. Or anal, or any other activity some man wants and you don't.

Carry on liking men. Get to know them, and discuss what's acceptable or not, before you get into sex with them.

As for the ones who call you 'vanilla', smile and say 'Yes, I am' and have nothing more to do with them, ever.

blackheartsgirl · 31/03/2021 16:04

Choking wtf!

I despair but it really doesn't surprise me with the younger generation

I'm in my 40s now and with dp who is 50. Thank god he and my two exes in their 40s were never into that sort of shit

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 31/03/2021 16:04

My current partner isn’t like that BUT this is why I was single for years and ignored friends who said “FFS just get on Tinder/OLD!” They were all fine with BDSM/Rimming/Choking etc even on their very early dates with multiple men and made me out to be a prude.

I’d seriously just prefer to be single than be abused/hurt/expected to lick strangers’ arseholes. Not into any of that. I’m not a prude either.

I think if you can accept it might take longer than the apps, try getting to know people slowly in real life through friends, family, hobbies, local community etc.

There’s a wide gulf between what my friends that who settled down youngish with one partner and never had to go through any of that shit expect and tolerate and what the ones who spent most of their teens/twenties/thirties in shorter relationships and had to use OLD/Apps more frequently put up with. Quite often the long term settled friends have no idea what it’s like out there when they suggest internet dating and the ones using the Apps/OLD have sadly come to expect that it’s normal, or they insist that they enjoy it and anyone who isn’t up for a bit of torture, shit and strangulation is vanilla.

Opentooffers · 31/03/2021 16:06

OMG! Stand firm, can't believe all men are like that - I remember telling my son a few years back that if he ever comes across porn, it's nothing like real life, it's made purely for men and no women would want to do it how it's shown.
I think you must have been unlucky or need to broaden your social circle.Don't give up, but do by all means make it clear that you aren't into sex that's like starring in a porn film, before it gets that far to weed out the idiots. Sheesh, glad I'm not young anymore.

Opentooffers · 31/03/2021 16:08

Don't give up

floppybit · 31/03/2021 16:11

Oh my god, this is honestly one of the saddest things I've ever read. How utterly depressing that this is how women are now treated. I'm in my 40s, I would never have been able to cope with this in my 20s. I really do feel for you. This is absolutely not normal and there's no way you should have to put up with it.

floppybit · 31/03/2021 16:13

It breaks my heart that you've asked if you should 'train yourself' to like being hit and strangled

category12 · 31/03/2021 16:27

All men are not into this and it's completely reasonable to have it as a red line/boundary.

Choking is really risky and people shouldn't be doing it randomly, especially without consent, they could so easily seriously hurt or kill someone without intending to.

If someone ever tries that with you, tell them to fuck the fuck off.

You really don't need a boyfriend that badly.

sanfranfibber · 31/03/2021 16:28

What the hell. I'm in your age group (couple of years older) and I've never encountered this!

Jesus that sounds like a grim experience, so sorry you've had to deal with that OP. Are they all 'a type' or is it a really varied bunch?

Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor · 31/03/2021 16:30

So depressing, I could honestly cry. I have a daughter, I feel so sorry she will be dealing with this. Awful.

You say you have male friends, do you ever discuss this with them? What do they make of it?

knocke · 31/03/2021 16:31

What happens if you choke them?

Pepsipepsi · 31/03/2021 16:36

You do not need to train yourself to be OK with something that could literally kill you.
Jesus Christ I'm only 30 and choking was never a thing in my late teens/twenties. Back then anal was all the rage Hmm

As others say make clear boundaries and stick to them. Anyone who forces you to do something you're not comfortable with isn't worth the effort and would be a terrible partner.

I wish someone told me when I was younger that decent men do not make you feel like shit and actually respect your opinions. Decent guys do exist, sometimes just got to wade through the losers first. Don't waste any time on the wasters! Dump, feel no guilt and move on. They would do the same to you to find their next fix.

Ceriane · 31/03/2021 18:02

I’m late 30s and this was not my experience when I was younger. I think up until the last 10 or 15 years this is not what sex was like for anyone! It’s porn, it is clearly having a huge impact on young men. I’m older and have been single for a quite a while, but this has made me feel anxious regarding dating/sex. I’d say, get to know the person well before you sleep together, develop a mutually respectful relationship with them and get to know what type of person they are, and set boundaries. If someone is into that and you’re not, say so...and if they dump you because of it, then they definitely weren’t for you and you are better off without them!!!

Seadad · 31/03/2021 18:34

This is all manner of f**ked up!! I think you must be attracting the wrong men - because there is no way most men can even no what they are doing with this practice. It's dangerous.
But what I don't understand is why you would be concerned at being called vanilla? So what - like what you like! You must set your own boundaries and say what you will or won't consent to. Make it clear long before you get to the bedroom.
Honestly OP - is there something else that is making you anxious about sex?

HermioneWeasley · 31/03/2021 18:39

No, it’s not standard and there’s nothing wrong with you for not liking it.

I don’t know what the answer is if it’s so widespread. I’ve heard this from other women in their 20s - I feel incredibly sorry for young women.

Dixiechickonhols · 31/03/2021 18:53

So horrid. It’s definitely not you it’s them. Is it apps you are using? Maybe post covid explore more old fashioned ways of dating - night class, walking group etc. Be clear on what you want/don’t want and anyone name calling is frankly pathetic.

Onedropbeat · 31/03/2021 19:01

And men want us to trust them?!

This is sick

I’m 35 and other than my exh who happened to be a rapist my other experiences with men of my age are good

I really feel for young women growing up today that they have to put up with this shit and made to feel like they are the ones who are wrong for not wanting it

Fuck you porn! Hardcore porn particularly

PussGirl · 31/03/2021 19:03

I'm certainly not "vanilla" but choking is an absolute red line for me.

DP & I get up to all sorts that wouldn't be out of place in a porn film but he knows never to put anything round my neck and respects that

Wanderlusto · 31/03/2021 19:11

If it helps, I'm in my 30s and have never came accross a choker. Well, maybe once. Most men I've met have been a bit dull in the bedroom if anything. Or just want to knock the door in without bothering ringing the bell first, if you know what I mean.

However, it sounds like you are picking abusive sorts. Or porn obsessed weirdos.

Chances are that if you vet them better in the early stages, you'll find someone more compatable...and sane lol.

Be more picky early on. If they are into violating boundaries like that, chances are they will show signs of such before the sex (And if they dont, dont give them a second chance if they ever put their hands on you like that).

Do plenty of reading on how to spot abusers. And practice listening to your gut.

Sex should be fun for you otherwise theres no point in you doing it. You dont like the way they treat you at any point, then get rid.

yesichanged · 31/03/2021 19:14

I became single 2 years ago, and I've slept with 5 men in that time of various ages. 23-47 to be exact.

The experience with the 23 year old was frightening and left me feeling very confused and demoralised afterwards.

I know this is TMI but is important for the story. When using his hand on me, he rammed it in and out of me with quite a lot of force. He also held me down quite tightly when we had sex. He made absolutely no eye contact with me at all during it all. The actual sex was hard, fast and rough. He choked me and slapped my backside really hard several times. He also pushed my head down in to the pillow when in the doggy position. I was left with bruises and my vulva was swollen.

I had been on 2 dates with him and kissed him on both dates. There was nothing on those dates to suggest this is the type of sex we'd have. I didn't ask him to stop... I don't know why as I wasn't enjoying it. But for over a week I felt absolutely terrible about myself.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP.

Any other man I've slept with has been far gentler, made eye contact and made me feel as though I was actually a participant Thanks

wizzbangfizz · 31/03/2021 19:20

This is appalling and as a mother to daughters terrifying actually!