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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Scared to be in a relationship because of sex?

119 replies

Changedanon · 31/03/2021 15:40

Does anyone else never want to be in a relationship?
I am 24 and I don't think I ever want another boyfriend.
Sex scares me because every guy I meet who is my age is into choking. All the guys that I have slept with have either tried to do it without permission or asked if they could. If I say I don't like it they call me boring or "vanilla".
I have had guys choke me and slap me and I've wondered whats wrong with me? Why don't I like it? Blush

I spoke to friends about it and they have had the same thing happen to them, most guys our age want girlfriends who like it. Some of my friends pretend to like it to keep boyfriends happy but I can't do that.

One of my friends dates older men as she stays many are OK with vanilla, they are just happy to be having sex with a younger womanShock but I dont fancy that either.

I am pretty happy being single. I would have liked to have had a boyfriend but not if that's what sex is like.
I love having men as friends, just not interested in sexual relationships.
Am I the weird one?
Do you think you can "train" yourself to like something?

Can you be happy being single forever?

(I know it's not all men but I've not met any that are OK with no choking yet)

OP posts:
me4real · 01/04/2021 11:33

Sad Sad Sad

My last lover was a sex pest and it's put me off.

But I'm sure I might happen to meet the right guy (or woman as I'm bi) someday, and it'll probably happen to you.

Not that we should have to tell them, but I would let them know viia email/message etc before meeting at a time you've arranged to have sex, or somehow earlier in the evening etc, the particular things that are red lines etc.

I.e. I will probably say in future that I don't have sex without a condom, so if they do it, it's rape.

If that puts a guy off they weren't the right guy anyway.

You definitely don't hae to try and train yourself to like something you don't like. xxx

InkieNecro · 01/04/2021 11:34

Not all men are like that, just perhaps the type you typically go for?

Non fatal strangulation laws are coming in soon, interesting to see what happens with those men who want to do that to women against their will.

LemonSherbetFancies · 01/04/2021 11:37

This breaks my heart as well, being the mother of a daughter your age.
I really feel for women trying to meet someone and I hope that doesn't come across as patronising. I got lucky with my DP but I know many women feel they have to have their bits shaven otherwise they are 'gross' and that they have to look a certain way or perform certain acts just to get and impress a man. Your feelings are valid OP but there are good men out there, my DP is proof of that.

Bumpsadaisie · 01/04/2021 11:38

Having non vanilla sex can be great and even liberating and creative with a long term partner where the trust really is there.

Not with someone you hardly know though!

Jocasta2018 · 01/04/2021 11:56

This sounds f-ing horrificAngry I would hate to be dating now.
I remember dating young men in my late teens/early twenties - they were about the same age - and it was all about mutual pleasure! It was bloody good sex & I have fond memories of it.
What a world we have become - I'm so glad I don't have children navigating the mine field of dating & sex.

wishfuldreamer · 01/04/2021 12:10

There is a line here, that I would like to gently remind people, about kink shaming. Some people are into choking/breath play that is fine and should not be seen as 'weird', just because you don't like it or aren't into it.

HOWEVER (and this is a big however), it - and I mean anything kinky, and I would probably extend this to a lot of sexual conduct in general, even 'vanilla' things that we all accept as part of sex - should never happen without discussion. But this is especially true of dangerous kinks like breath play.

I do not like to be surprised by someone's kinks. I talk to them about what they like, sexually, very early on. I don't assume that they are into the same things as me. And I want reassurance that they know what they are doing, and are going to be careful.

One of my partners is into breath play - we both like it, and we switch as to who is dominant. We have learnt about it very carefully, we do it very safely, and we are careful how far we push it, and we maintain excellent communication throughout. I would absolutely never be into it with someone who just put their hands around my throat. To me, that would say that have no respect for consent, they haven't talked to me about it, I have no idea if they know what they're doing and how to keep me safe.

Kink is definitely becoming more mainstream - and that's both good and bad. Because it's good that people who have these desires feel less shamed about it...but it also means that there are many people (who, let's face it, probably weren't great at the whole consent thing when the mainstream was vanilla) who just take advantage of it to be arseholes. I'm really sorry, OP.

I think, in general, I would recommend just being really upfront with someone, and asking them if they are into any kind of impact or breath play, and saying that it's not for you, and not taking it further or wasting your time. It's absolutely fine to be into what you're into, and no one should make you feel otherwise.

Firenight · 01/04/2021 12:12

Choking can be very erotic but only when you really trust your partner. Its not default sex and if it doesn't do anything for you it should be a hard "no". It's okay to have things you don't want to do, or have tried once and don't fancy again. And it's also okay to have vanilla sex, which can be amazing and intimate and mind blowing.

User133847 · 01/04/2021 12:12

What kind of arseholes are you going for? Go for someone decent.

wobblywinelover · 01/04/2021 12:45

@User133847

What kind of arseholes are you going for? Go for someone decent.
Nice bit of victim blaming there I see. Have you considered that the OP did think they were 'nice' to start with? A lot of them are 'nice' until they actually sleep with someone and show their true colours
Susie477 · 01/04/2021 12:59

Choking? What the actual fuck?

THIS IS NOT OK.

You DO NOT choke someone you love.
You DO NOT choke someone you care about.

I’m sorry you have had such awful experiences with men, OP. It’s absolutely fine to enjoy ‘vanilla’ sex, it’s absolutely fine to have boundaries, it’s absolutely fine to say ‘NO’ to anything you don’t enjoy, and it’s absolutely fine to set out your boundaries clearly and firmly before you have sex with someone for the first time.

Any decent, respectful guy would be as horrified to read your post as we all are, and would not want to do anything which hurts you, frightens you or makes you feel uncomfortable.

GrumpyTerrier · 01/04/2021 13:07

There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing nothing nothing! You do not need to train yourself to do any of this stuff if you don't like it. It is totally normal not to like it! Porn is such bullshit and any guy who thinks all sex should be like porn is an idiot and not good enough for you.

You'll find a guy who is right up your street, don't worry. You do the right thing to hold off until you find someone you really get along with, and you can discuss this stuff beforehand so you feel sure and comfortable.

This makes me so mad.

Daleksatemyshed · 01/04/2021 13:17

It's very interesting how attitudes to sex have changed, it seems to me Op that now women get "vanilla shamed " as if not wanting to indulge in some rather unpleasant things puts you in the wrong!
I'd discuss sex first and make it clear you won't do certain things, if they lose interest then
so be it

me4real · 01/04/2021 14:17

Choking? What the actual fuck? THIS IS NOT OK. You DO NOT choke someone you love. You DO NOT choke someone you care about.

@Susie477 I hear it's very fashionable now unfortunately, like rimming started to be part of sex/a trend a while back.

I had a bloke I thought was a friend grab me by the throat when we left a pub (not overly drunk) thinking he was being flirtatious/sexy.

Swordfish1 · 01/04/2021 17:06

No, you don't 'train yourself' to like choking. Or anal, or any other activity some man wants and you don't.

Carry on liking men. Get to know them, and discuss what's acceptable or not, before you get into sex with them.

As for the ones who call you 'vanilla', smile and say 'Yes, I am' and have nothing more to do with them, ever.

This.

I am so sorry. Please do not 'train' yourself to like this. IT IS NOT NORMAL and there are guys out there who will not want this kind of shit off you, because they are the kind that will respect you.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Nothing.At.All.

When I was younger I admit I bent myself to do things I wasn't comfortable with because I didn't want to seem 'boring' or 'vanilla'. My god, how I wish I'd of had the guts to stand up and tell them to fuck off. Because every single one who asked me to do shit I wasn't comfortable with turned out to be a total arsewipe.

Please don't do this to please any man.
They don't care and you'll end up feeling awful.

This breaks my heart, it truly does, that young women are being told this is normal and made to feel shit for not going along with it.

Changedanon · 01/04/2021 18:24

@PinotPony

Choking and breath play has become much more prevalent in recent years. It used to be confined to the BDSM community but is now much more mainstream as a result of porn. Young guys think choking and slapping are the norm and young girls feel obliged to let them do it for fear of being labelled dull or vanilla.

What most people fail to appreciate is that choking is the single most dangerous kink out there. More than impact play, shibari (rope) or piercing, all things that can injure you. Even experienced Doms who do this having discussed consent and safety cannot entirely mitigate the risk. I recently read an article about a married couple who engaged in water boarding. They thought they knew what they were doing until she caused him brain damage. He now has seizures and cannot work. She has to live with that.

Please don't give up on all men. There are plenty of guys out there who don't want to choke you and I suspect many of the ones who intimate that they want to choke you don't actually like it! They just think they should be doing it because they've learnt how to behave via porn.

It's perfectly ok for you to have a conversation with a new guy along the lines of "A lot of guys I've dated recently have been into choking. That's really not for me so I'd rather we didn't do anything like that, OK?" I think most guys would appreciate the clear boundary being set from the beginning.

It's sad that you have to spell it out to guys before you get into bed but this issue isn't going to disappear anytime soon and the best way to deal with it is to ensure that you are safe, comfortable and consensual whenever you have sex.

That's what I have been doing, telling them im not into choking and they find it really strange for some reason.
OP posts:
Changedanon · 01/04/2021 18:28

@me4real

Sad Sad Sad

My last lover was a sex pest and it's put me off.

But I'm sure I might happen to meet the right guy (or woman as I'm bi) someday, and it'll probably happen to you.

Not that we should have to tell them, but I would let them know viia email/message etc before meeting at a time you've arranged to have sex, or somehow earlier in the evening etc, the particular things that are red lines etc.

I.e. I will probably say in future that I don't have sex without a condom, so if they do it, it's rape.

If that puts a guy off they weren't the right guy anyway.

You definitely don't hae to try and train yourself to like something you don't like. xxx

I always tell them before now, they say they are OK with it as a casual thing just not a relationship as they want someone more compatable sexualy. I just tell them no I'm not sure how to find someone who is interested
OP posts:
30scrisis · 01/04/2021 18:29

Mid 30's and unfortunately I find this is standard now. Most, if not all men, I've met are into this. I put it down to porn in all honesty. There's enjoying something and then there's going too far.

Nonmaquillee · 01/04/2021 18:31

I am so so sorry to hear this. It's heartbreaking. I'm pretty much twice your age and I can assure you that I have never encountered this, it was never a thing 20/30 years ago.
Sex should be mutually pleasurable and you absolutely should NOT feel degraded or hurt physically or violated. I am so sorry that these have been your only experiences and I worry for my teen DD.
It's because of porn and its ready availability.

Changedanon · 01/04/2021 18:31

@wishfuldreamer

There is a line here, that I would like to gently remind people, about kink shaming. Some people are into choking/breath play that is fine and should not be seen as 'weird', just because you don't like it or aren't into it.

HOWEVER (and this is a big however), it - and I mean anything kinky, and I would probably extend this to a lot of sexual conduct in general, even 'vanilla' things that we all accept as part of sex - should never happen without discussion. But this is especially true of dangerous kinks like breath play.

I do not like to be surprised by someone's kinks. I talk to them about what they like, sexually, very early on. I don't assume that they are into the same things as me. And I want reassurance that they know what they are doing, and are going to be careful.

One of my partners is into breath play - we both like it, and we switch as to who is dominant. We have learnt about it very carefully, we do it very safely, and we are careful how far we push it, and we maintain excellent communication throughout. I would absolutely never be into it with someone who just put their hands around my throat. To me, that would say that have no respect for consent, they haven't talked to me about it, I have no idea if they know what they're doing and how to keep me safe.

Kink is definitely becoming more mainstream - and that's both good and bad. Because it's good that people who have these desires feel less shamed about it...but it also means that there are many people (who, let's face it, probably weren't great at the whole consent thing when the mainstream was vanilla) who just take advantage of it to be arseholes. I'm really sorry, OP.

I think, in general, I would recommend just being really upfront with someone, and asking them if they are into any kind of impact or breath play, and saying that it's not for you, and not taking it further or wasting your time. It's absolutely fine to be into what you're into, and no one should make you feel otherwise.

I didn't say that it was wrong. Just that I wasn't into it and I struggle to find partners that are OK with no choking I am am upfront I tell guys I don't want it they say its just a normal part of sex
OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 01/04/2021 18:36

That's outrageous! Wtf?! I've never been asked that, but I'm a lot older than you. My dp is so kind and gentle, not into anything in the least bit unpleasant or unusual. What does the man say if you want to do the choking? Shock

Dervel · 01/04/2021 18:38

Ffs I hope we sort this shit about before my son is older. I’m an older guy so thankfully got to grow up and have formative sexual experiences before the internet was quite so ubiquitous. I’ve also been involved with a few younger women and it’s quite frankly terrifying what so many have been subjected to. For all the so called sex positivity I fear the world is getting worse.

Changedanon · 01/04/2021 18:52

They are ecent guys though, it's just I'm not into that kink and I didn't realise so many are.
We are just not compatible sexualy. I have given up trying to find someone Confused

OP posts:
margotleadbeter · 01/04/2021 18:55

Can we all please stop calling this choking? It's non fatal strangulation. Choking
is when a grape gets stuck. This practice is dicing with death with women paying Russian Roulette every time

Dervel · 01/04/2021 18:57

Decent guys aren’t into sexual sadism. The bar really needs to be raised higher on this.

HeeeeeyBogie · 01/04/2021 18:58

Never ever train yourself to enjoy something you dont like, especially something which could kill you.
I'm so sorry that males have become such porn soaked, death-gripped losers.

It is not a normal part of sex and I have never ever been choked, or choked someone at 33 having had several partners. It's like they've given up even pretending to respect women.