Scared to be in a relationship because of sex?

[Changedanon]

Does anyone else never want to be in a relationship?
I am 24 and I don't think I ever want another boyfriend.
Sex scares me because every guy I meet who is my age is into choking. All the guys that I have slept with have either tried to do it without permission or asked if they could. If I say I don't like it they call me boring or "vanilla".
I have had guys choke me and slap me and I've wondered whats wrong with me? Why don't I like it?

I spoke to friends about it and they have had the same thing happen to them, most guys our age want girlfriends who like it. Some of my friends pretend to like it to keep boyfriends happy but I can't do that.

One of my friends dates older men as she stays many are OK with vanilla, they are just happy to be having sex with a younger woman but I dont fancy that either.

I am pretty happy being single. I would have liked to have had a boyfriend but not if that's what sex is like.
I love having men as friends, just not interested in sexual relationships.
Am I the weird one?
Do you think you can "train" yourself to like something?

Can you be happy being single forever?

(I know it's not all men but I've not met any that are OK with no choking yet)

@HeeeeeyBogie

Imagine finding a post where a young woman laments that her sexual partners all want to inflict assault upon her, and making it into your own personal "Not All Kinks Are Like That" thread with no fewer than five posts about how wonderful being strangled can be. Read the room.

nailed it

@Changedanon I think they're telling you it's normal, but it's not. They're just saying that to try and get what they want. (Sorry if this is obvious. )

It sounds like you're doing well at weeding out creeps, keep going.

Where are most of these interactions happening?

I think maybe they ask if a woman's into choking because they see it as a test that she might be up for anything at all (they're not necessarily right, but that's what they think.)

@HeeeeeyBogie

Imagine finding a post where a young woman laments that her sexual partners all want to inflict assault upon her, and making it into your own personal "Not All Kinks Are Like That" thread with no fewer than five posts about how wonderful being strangled can be. Read the room.

Thank you. This needed to be said. Completely inappropriate - OP isn’t into being strangled and is distressed that it’s an expectation. She wasn’t looking for the strangulation evangelists to show up but as usual it’s turned into a “don’t kink shame” thread rather than supporting and empowering the woman at the heart of it all who, shock horror, isn’t interested in sex where she has violence inflicted upon her and is expected to enjoy being deprived of the fundamental human right to breathe.

I never said that the OP shouldn’t be expected to enjoy something the does not want to end to enjoy. But I also don’t think it isn’t particularly helpful support to say that it’s deviant behaviour so of course she’s not into it.

This is about consent and when it is not being done properly that’s is a problem regardless of the sexual conduct.

The tides are definitely turning with how women are treated nowadays and i'm not sure why

My daughter is 14. I’ve read this thread in horror.

But then l think about the whole sexual abuse things in school being blasted open. And l feel a tiny glimmer of hope.

@wishfuldreamer

I never said that the OP shouldn’t be expected to enjoy something the does not want to end to enjoy. But I also don’t think it isn’t particularly helpful support to say that it’s deviant behaviour so of course she’s not into it.

This is about consent and when it is not being done properly that’s is a problem regardless of the sexual conduct.

Deviant behaviour means behaviour that deviates from the norm.

I think it’s normal for the vast majority of women to not want to be strangled and deprived of breath in their sex lives.

I think it deviates from the norm to get off on being strangled during sex.

I think it’s very wrong and dangerous to expect and condition women to see strangulation as “the norm”.

It’s not. It’s extreme. It’s never not extreme, consensual or not. It deviates from the norm. Thankfully. I don’t care how much you enjoy it and how much you get off on how much you trust your dominant partner not to kill you during sex. Maybe it’s not helpful to you to view it as a deviation from the norm but it’s helpful and safer for wider society and individuals who don’t wish to be murdered during sex and have it passed off as a “rough sex” “she was enjoying it” defence.

Name changed👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼Well said.

@wishfuldreamer I’m happy to shame sexual sadists all the live long day! In much the shame way I’d shame drink driving. There are certain kinds of behaviour that carry inherent risks, and yes whilst I’m sure not every sexual sadist will kill someone (nor necessarily intend to!), not every drunk driver would either. People cannot consent to being a homicide victim, and just because an orgasm is involved does not in anyway provide a magic shield to that fact.

It may be my personal experience colours my view here, as the younger women I’ve been involved with have presented as the “cool girl”, whose down with being strangled, spanked, gagged, anal, and basically being brutalised during sex. When I’ve scratched beneath the surface all of them, without exception have survived sexual abuse of some kind or another, and the presence of old fashioned love and intimacy has been utterly alien.

There is something incredibly sad about all this, and in our collective rush to make pretty much any kind of sexual contact cool and groovy, as long as people are technically consenting. We have basically made sex between men and women so adjacent to rape/abuse, it’s actually making it easier and easier to get away with those particular crimes. I’m not sure what we’ve gained is worth what we’ve lost.

I saw this debate many years ago and what Germaine Greer articulates here is worth reflecting on:

Strangulation is deviant behaviour. You try defending it when you are dead because on that one day it just went wrong for no reason at all - except he strangled you.

The porn videos are normalising this strangulation behaviour. I have seen stories in the papers where 'sex games' have gone wrong. I think people should to get to know someone before getting into bed so quickly. Most people will tell you who they are with subtle conversation so you wouldn't need to get to the bedroom stage to know they were dangerous. I know there will be the odd or or two who keep their intentions hidden and you only find out the hard way after going to bed. I think the younger generation have a lot of messed up things imposed on them now.

@HeeeeeyBogie

Imagine finding a post where a young woman laments that her sexual partners all want to inflict assault upon her, and making it into your own personal "Not All Kinks Are Like That" thread with no fewer than five posts about how wonderful being strangled can be. Read the room.

Thank you

I feel really sad that OP's first post didn't shock me, as it's been the experience of me and most of my friends who have been dating over the last 5 years (we are early 30s now).

It's definitely porn. Thinking it's normal to hit, choke, slap, presume consenting to sex is consenting to anal and that not wanting all of the above is being a prude / vanilla etc.

I fucking love sex. I fucking hate how much porn has ruined it and made it something men do TO women, not something men do WITH women.

When you meet someone who isn't like that it makes it all the more special I guess but bloody hell, we shouldn't be grateful a man doesn't presume we are up for being physically in pain, should we?

So depressing. I'm bi and sometimes think that if my relationship doesn't work out I would be more likely now to date women than men based on the depth of (violent, uncaring) misogyny in society including sexual expectations.

I fucking hate how much porn has ruined it and made it something men do TO women, not something men do WITH women

This! Absolutely.

@PinotPony thanks for posting that video.

Oh, OP. I'm single by choice and have been for seven years - I have no intention of ever having another relationship because I love my life how it is. I love the freedom and how much I can fit into it without worrying about a bloke and his family and career etc etc.

But... I'd never even considered that this is what dating has come to since I exited the dating pool! Both my previous partners were respectful and cared as much about my pleasure as their own - more about mine, often! There is no shame in being vanilla and there are men out there who are into, as a pp put it, having joyful sex with you rather than doing porn style sex to you.

I'm posting to say yes, it's possible to create a wonderful life without a man in it - but if you do want a man in yours, it is a million percent ok to hold out for one who's similar to you and doesn't want to do weird shit in bed. for you!

What a fucking state society is in when this is seen as expected.

I don't blame you at all - I'd rather be single forever than compromise my safety for some entitled twats cheap thrills.

My husband doesn't choke me and if he did I'd be cast rating him. Honestly it's one thing to ask if you could try it but another to force it upon someone.

I think my ex may have done it. I literally have blocked the intimate parts out as believe I tried to prevent myself trauma.

Look after yourself and call the police on anyone who does something sexually to you without permission no acceptions!

That's so sad. I need to talk to my teenage son about this. It's really not acceptable.

You say, they're decent guys, you're just not into that.

I'd say, they're NOT decent guys. They're misogynistic, porn addicted dickheads. At the very least and potential abusers at worst who could well be responsible for killing someone, just to satisfy their 'kink'

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, I really worry for my daughter. As many have said when I was dating, the obsession appeared to be anal, which was easy to manage with my favourite response 'sure, I'll just get my strap on out'

Please don't think this is normal or something you have to accept. Please raise your boundaries, and if someone tells you you're vanilla very clearly tell them no, you're the freak, go fuck yourself.

Stay strong, not all men are like this. But sadly, you have to go through a lot of dickheads before you find a decent one.

@wizzbangfizz

This is appalling and as a mother to daughters terrifying actually!

^ this