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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared to be in a relationship because of sex?

119 replies

Changedanon · 31/03/2021 15:40

Does anyone else never want to be in a relationship?
I am 24 and I don't think I ever want another boyfriend.
Sex scares me because every guy I meet who is my age is into choking. All the guys that I have slept with have either tried to do it without permission or asked if they could. If I say I don't like it they call me boring or "vanilla".
I have had guys choke me and slap me and I've wondered whats wrong with me? Why don't I like it? Blush

I spoke to friends about it and they have had the same thing happen to them, most guys our age want girlfriends who like it. Some of my friends pretend to like it to keep boyfriends happy but I can't do that.

One of my friends dates older men as she stays many are OK with vanilla, they are just happy to be having sex with a younger womanShock but I dont fancy that either.

I am pretty happy being single. I would have liked to have had a boyfriend but not if that's what sex is like.
I love having men as friends, just not interested in sexual relationships.
Am I the weird one?
Do you think you can "train" yourself to like something?

Can you be happy being single forever?

(I know it's not all men but I've not met any that are OK with no choking yet)

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 31/03/2021 19:23

Hmm I don’t think this is a normal experience sorry.

HollowTalk · 31/03/2021 19:28

Choking? Slapping? I despair for young women nowadays.

Please don't think all men are like that, OP. There are some decent ones out there.

PurpleMustang · 31/03/2021 19:36

Unfortunately porn has to kept coming up with new things to get the views over others. And men watch it thinking it ok/norm/what women want

Wanderlusto · 31/03/2021 19:44

Actually now that I think on it, the last one I dated put his hand on my neck once or twice. Not enough to choke me though, just very firm. It was actually the most interesting thing he did haha xD I quite enjoyed it. But only because I trusted him not to actually choke me. Theres a difference between firm grip and chokehold afterall.

lonelySam · 31/03/2021 20:19

This is very sad to read. This should not be the experience, OP. I'm in my 40s and when I was your age, oral was considered kinky among my peers and anal was the dirty, forbidden fruit (not that there is anything wrong with either of those).

Sparkybloke · 31/03/2021 21:08

All I can say is you haven't met the right man...in fact a man at all...find someone who will treat you properly...they do exist...

Oblomov21 · 31/03/2021 21:10

How depressing.

Ohpulltheotherone · 31/03/2021 21:16

Never let someone else make you doubt yourself like this. You have absolutely NO need to like something for someone else’s sake - no need to apologise or be ashamed of not liking something.

Stay single until you meet someone who has respect for women. Keep your boundaries, understand who you are and what you like. Don’t let someone challenge them in a way that makes you uncomfortable.

There are plenty of men who have no interest in rough sex or perhaps they have an interest in it in the same way lots of people fantasise about things in their heads but would never want to actually do it in real life.

There are good men out there, there are men who are good people.

Keep your head and your standards high, trust your instinct and when you do meet someone then take it slowly and be sure to communicate your needs and wants before you get anywhere near the bedroom.

TheVolturi · 31/03/2021 21:17

Fucking hell, I can believe it. Men can be such sick bastards.

Namechange1991x · 31/03/2021 21:19

Choking?! That's horrific and terrifying that men word devise pleasure from doing that. Dangerous, controlling and aggressive. Just awful.

Lovemusic33 · 31/03/2021 21:22

I’m much older than you but have also experienced this whilst dating, I have now been single for quite a while but I have had sex with men that do respect women, there are nice guys out there but I understand your fear. Porn has a lot to answer for, I fear it has ruined sex for many people because men believe that this is how woman like to be treated in bed.

Wearywithteens · 31/03/2021 21:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Frlrlrubert · 31/03/2021 21:37

This is so depressing to read. I'm 36 and haven't had any of that. Like a pp mentioned guys were all a bit desperate to try anal at one point, but took no as no in my experience.

Sparkybloke · 31/03/2021 21:52

Choking someone should be assault what ever the theoretical consent situation might be IMO...speaking as a 50+ man this is a very depressing post....not all men are awful but sadly the minority seem to be tarring the rest of us with the same misogynist degrading of women brush...and I'd agree that porn (and probably the wider social media too) has a lot to do with it....society seems to have a growing problem with a minority of men showing little respect for women other than commodities to be used as they wish which is a damning indictment of modern society....be assured though that many men are still gentlemen who do respect women as equals...

JustAnotherOldMan · 31/03/2021 22:08

Omg that sounds awful, so sorry to hear this.
Im sure not all young men are like that.
Sometimes I dispair at the behaviour of young men.
Sometimes I’m pleased my sex life is pretty much over and the highlight of the week is normally Antiques Roadshow!

SparklingStars10 · 31/03/2021 22:19

That is sadly the influence that porn is having on young men. Porn is giving them a distorted view of what women actually like.

Original poster
Changedanon · 31/03/2021 22:24

@Dixiechickonhols

So horrid. It’s definitely not you it’s them. Is it apps you are using? Maybe post covid explore more old fashioned ways of dating - night class, walking group etc. Be clear on what you want/don’t want and anyone name calling is frankly pathetic.
No only two of them from dating websites others through friends, work, social clubs.
OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 31/03/2021 22:27

This is utterly horrifying.

I have sons around OP's age. I seriously hope this isn't something they are into, I'd be very upset if they were as they've been raised to treat women with respect.

Seriously79 · 31/03/2021 22:29

I've never met a man who's interested in this! That's shocking.

Sorry your in this situation, there are good ones out there x

gokartdillydilly · 01/04/2021 00:38

No no no no no! I am about a hundred years old and no man has ever choked me, slapped me (during sex) or called me boring (in bed). Is this a thing they've learned from watching porn? God help you young women, if that's the case!! Please, just say no. It's not normal. Keep saying no. Do not normalise it. And definitely do not try and get used to something so dangerous and degrading.

BensonStabler · 01/04/2021 01:39

This is the most heartbreaking post.

As pp have said it is not the norm, it is 100% the influence of hardcore porn from such a young age in teenage boys to young men. They believe this is how people have sex and that they should treat young gf's like hardcore porn stars!

You should be proud of yourself for voicing your boundaries and not conforming to the pressure of porn, these males, and your female friends. You quite rightly said you could not fake liking this type of sexual mistreatment for the sake of keeping a boyfriend. Sadly the many girls and young women out there who are doing that are doing themselves and future partners a disservice, because nobody is stopping these guys and telling them how horrendous this is, and with these girlfriends having faked liking it, has further given them the confidence that they are some kind of sex gods and think it is clearly what women like and by you voicing the opposite puts you in the "vanilla" minority as if you are the one in the wrong! (You are not)

Continue to be strict with your boundaries and principles. Talk beforehand about expectations and what you definitely won't be happy doing so hopefully no surprises, but as they don't seem to have much respect in the first place they may still push the limits. If at ANY point during sex they do anything you have said no to, are uncomfortable with , unhappy about or even just not enjoying things... REMEMBER all women have the absolute RIGHT TO STOP, even half way changing their minds. Remove consent. If they continue then it amounts to rape. Ignore the prude and vanilla type comments, they say more about the guy than you.

PinotPony · 01/04/2021 07:51

Choking and breath play has become much more prevalent in recent years. It used to be confined to the BDSM community but is now much more mainstream as a result of porn. Young guys think choking and slapping are the norm and young girls feel obliged to let them do it for fear of being labelled dull or vanilla.

What most people fail to appreciate is that choking is the single most dangerous kink out there. More than impact play, shibari (rope) or piercing, all things that can injure you. Even experienced Doms who do this having discussed consent and safety cannot entirely mitigate the risk. I recently read an article about a married couple who engaged in water boarding. They thought they knew what they were doing until she caused him brain damage. He now has seizures and cannot work. She has to live with that.

Please don't give up on all men. There are plenty of guys out there who don't want to choke you and I suspect many of the ones who intimate that they want to choke you don't actually like it! They just think they should be doing it because they've learnt how to behave via porn.

It's perfectly ok for you to have a conversation with a new guy along the lines of "A lot of guys I've dated recently have been into choking. That's really not for me so I'd rather we didn't do anything like that, OK?" I think most guys would appreciate the clear boundary being set from the beginning.

It's sad that you have to spell it out to guys before you get into bed but this issue isn't going to disappear anytime soon and the best way to deal with it is to ensure that you are safe, comfortable and consensual whenever you have sex.

Eleganz · 01/04/2021 09:00

Porn has been readily available for free throughout these men's formative years and it clearly shows. They see rough sex, choking, slapping and no foreplay as normal because the porn they are watching has all of that in and the "actresses" are pretending to enjoy it. The reality is that these things are kinks enjoyed only by a minority and they need a safe, consensual environment to practice them not the scenarios portrayed in porn.

OP the only thing I can suggest is echoing others, be clear on your boundaries and adopt a zero tolerance approach to any sexual behaviour that you do not like. There are lots of good men out there, but there are enough shitty ones that you will encounter them throughout your life. Welcome to being a woman I'm afraid.

PinotPony · 01/04/2021 09:27
wobblywinelover · 01/04/2021 11:27

This is just awful and so sad. This, amongst several other things has totally put me off ever finding a partner again. It seems to be either weird/scary sexual practices, abusive personalities, liars, cheats and a prevalence of narcissism out there. I'm in my 40's btw. The worst experiences i've had have been in the last 6 years, including rough, nasty heartless sex. The tides are definitely turning with how women are treated nowadays and i'm not sure why. We seem to live in a more violent and extreme society in general. I have no desire to meet someone again it's totally turned me off.

You could try what previous posters have suggested about having conversations beforehand but my fear is that so many of them will push the boundaries with all these types of things when it comes down to it. I don't know what the answer is other than to look after yourself as much as you can. Don't go blaming yourself or training yourself to do these things, it's not normal at all and Porn has a lot to blame for it.

Thoroughly depressing