Scared to be in a relationship because of sex?

[Changedanon]

Does anyone else never want to be in a relationship?
I am 24 and I don't think I ever want another boyfriend.
Sex scares me because every guy I meet who is my age is into choking. All the guys that I have slept with have either tried to do it without permission or asked if they could. If I say I don't like it they call me boring or "vanilla".
I have had guys choke me and slap me and I've wondered whats wrong with me? Why don't I like it?

I spoke to friends about it and they have had the same thing happen to them, most guys our age want girlfriends who like it. Some of my friends pretend to like it to keep boyfriends happy but I can't do that.

One of my friends dates older men as she stays many are OK with vanilla, they are just happy to be having sex with a younger woman but I dont fancy that either.

I am pretty happy being single. I would have liked to have had a boyfriend but not if that's what sex is like.
I love having men as friends, just not interested in sexual relationships.
Am I the weird one?
Do you think you can "train" yourself to like something?

Can you be happy being single forever?

(I know it's not all men but I've not met any that are OK with no choking yet)

Nice bit of victim blaming there I see. Have you considered that the OP did think they were 'nice' to start with?

But if it happens with every lad then there's an issue with the type of men the OP is attracted to/attracting.

“Can we all please stop calling this choking? It's non fatal strangulation. Choking
is when a grape gets stuck. This practice is dicing with death with women paying Russian Roulette every time”

This with bells on. It is such a shame young women feel they need to do this. That just perpetuates the idea that it’s okay. It is an extremely dangerous practice. Women get killed doing it. Hell, men have been killed practising asphyxiation.

I do think this is about the ease of access to very phallocentric, degrading, soulless porn which is giving some young men very strange ideas of what’s normal now. That and the rise of Incels and their sort who are spreading some horrifying views about women and that they are put on this planet to service men.

But if it happens with every lad then there's an issue with the type of men the OP is attracted to/attracting.

I agree, I don’t think this is normal which I said further up, I have never met a guy that’s tried to choke me or hit me, I doubt it’s something that ALL guys are doing now

I have sons around OP's age. I seriously hope this isn't something they are into, I'd be very upset if they were as they've been raised to treat women with respect.

Ffs I hope we sort this shit about before my son is older.

I think you should talk to them openly about it. I think all parents of sons should be open with them and tell them very clearly that this is not acceptable, this is not enjoyable sex for women, sex is about mutual pleasure and exploration, and that porn is going to ruin their sex lives. And parents of daughters should do the same, and coach them to be confident to say no. We need to shine some light on this festering mould patch. It's vile.

This is scary as fuck. Back in my day the word 'frigid' was bandied around as an insult. To be honest it sent me the way the boys had hoped. Frigid was the last thing I wanted to be known as. On reflection I wish I'd been more confident to say no but the notion of empowering women in this way wasn't really talked about in the circles I mixed in.
Men have always manipulated women to get sexual gratification, it's nothing new , although writing that makes me sad. The violence involved in this is chilling.

@Changedanon

They are ecent guys though, it's just I'm not into that kink and I didn't realise so many are. We are just not compatible sexualy. I have given up trying to find someone

Wow, I had no idea it was that prevalent. I'm male and in my 40s and it's definitely not my cup of tea. I get that some people are into BDSM and if it's mutual then that's fair enough - each to their own and all that but porn is evidently skewing younger men or certainly a particular type of porn or is choking part of what passes for standard porn these days?

Stand firm with your boundaries. I’m really sorry that you are under so much pressure. One of the maid advantages of getting older is that I’m not afraid to say to men, partners etc NO or I don’t like that or I don’t want it. But I can remember when I was 18 and went on a date with a lad the same age as me and got called frigid because I didn’t want sex in the car.

OP I am so sorry you are going through this. Please don’t give up finding a normal guy though.

I am much older than you (generation X), but when I was young I was much more conservative than most of my friends as I was raised by my grandparents. I had no casual sex (needed to be committed relationship and only after I really knew them which never took less than 2 months, often more which meant that I dated quite a few guys I never slept with. I have had a ridiculously low number of sexual partners until now (happily married since 15 years so likely to remain so).

I felt quite different and at times awkward as my value set was from a different generation. Men still liked me and respected me though. Some were happy to see if I eventually would like them enough to have sex with them. And the ones that didn’t want to wait that long for sex just never dated me, we were just friends.

I really do think there will be men out there for you OP.

I didn't say that it was wrong. Just that I wasn't into it and I struggle to find partners that are OK with no choking
I am am upfront I tell guys I don't want it they say its just a normal part of sex

@Changedanon - sorry, i didn't mean you, i meant some of the responses, which were supposed to be reassuring, but actually were quite shaming. for example, @Dervel's comment that 'Decent guys aren’t into sexual sadism. The bar really needs to be raised higher on this.' That is not true, and it is shaming.

Decent guys can be, but not everyone who is into it is. just like guys who aren't into it can still be arseholes.

OP, i'm sorry that you're struggling to find someone who's preferences match yours. I do think that, just as women are pressured into being into kink, some men also think that they just 'have to be' into it these days, and that's how they show their masculinity or something. As previous posters have said these things follow trends, and I remember it being anal sex when I was your age.

As someone who is kinky, this prevalence worries me too, because I find that a lot of people who are just doing it 'because it's cool' aren't really interested in the detail of doing it safely, or engaging in questions of consent.

Aside from the things you're saying you're doing, I don't know what to suggest. I guess you could be very clear on a dating profile that you're not kinky at all, and see what happens? Might lower your matches, but you'd get people who you actually want to date?

Jesus, you poor kid.
WTF happened to two people falling in love with each other and doing what came naturally? Christ.

I’m in my late twenties (married for a few years) but yes in my early twenties this was my experience with men too (all into strangulation and hitting me in the face) so I sympathise OP! I then met my husband and he is respectful of my boundaries, and wouldn’t try anything without making sure I was ok with it - so there are nice guys out there!

They're porn-sick.

I wonder do they actually enjoy it or are they brainwashed from watching porn that women must enjoy it, a d just can't believe that they don't.

Or have they become wired to enjoy it by associating it with sex/climax.

Seems like they've allowed themselves to.vecime brainwashed that they're not doing sex "right" of they're not slapping and strangling.

Honestly starting to think porn needs legal controls way past what there is currently. Perhaps aggressive, degrading porn should be earmarked in a separate category on sites - separate from mainstream,under BDSM etc.

Anyway op, one would hope there are some non porn sick guys out there who have the intelligence/sense to realise that porn is not real sex or real life.

Keep looking, and don't ever think you should train yourself (even if you could) to accept unenjoyable, rough, aggressive, degrading sex.

I guess you could be very clear on a dating profile that you're not kinky at all, and see what happens?

Lol it should be the case that you highlight if you areinto kink or BDSM, because it's not the norm.

Not opt out of it being assumed to be the norm.

This isn't about kink I'd BDSM though - this is about porn soaked men acting out what they think is normal from mainstream porn having become do degrading & rough as standard.

Funny how the words change but the meaning stays the same;

"Frigid" - you won't do what i want you to do (or have dared to protest or not take enjoyment at what I'm doing).

"Vanilla" - you won't do what i want you to do (or have dared to protest or not fake enjoyment at what I'm doing).

@marshmallowAra - the OP seems to be suggesting that she is encountering it as the norm, so I was merely suggesting a way she could find people who she felt more compatible with.

And I agree - as I said above, I don't think this is necessarily people with deeply ingrained kinks, and many of the men I've encountered who are into this as 'fashionable' are not good at the consent, discussion, boundaries etc.

fwiw, i specifically don't put on my OLD profile that I am kinky. mainly because for me it's not something that I can do with just anyone, and I find if you do put it in, you get the guys who just think you're up for anything.

I'd rather go on a date, see how comfortable i feel with them and, if it progresses to something physical, am very firm about boundaries. just because i like certain things, doesn't mean I want to do it with you, or do it on a first date.

What i'm trying to say is...a lot of men are just wankers. Sadly.

@User133847

Nice bit of victim blaming there I see. Have you considered that the OP did think they were 'nice' to start with?

But if it happens with every lad then there's an issue with the type of men the OP is attracted to/attracting.

I hate to break it to you but 99.9% of young men are wanking using porn sites where the standard, main page videos depict rough, degrading sex.

Apparently doggy can no longer be done without slapping the woman's buttocks hard.

Blow jobs can't be done without gagging the woman (and sometimes suffocating her by covering or pinching her nose during it.

Throat grabbing, strangling, face slapping/tapping not unusual.

Normal sex often includes anal.

Etc. etc.

All captioned "teen", "milf", and the ever present "step sister, step daughter" etc.

They're on a steady diet of that shit.

@yesichanged I hope you’re ok. I would absolutely class what you described as violent rape. It was his responsibility to ensure he had your positive, enthusiastic consent. It isn’t always possible to tell them to stop. In fact, it isn’t always safe to try. Not saying no, doesn’t make it any less of a rape. I’m sorry that happened to you.

It’s so depressing to have a dd.

*so I was merely suggesting a way she could find people who she felt more compatible with.

And I agree - as I said above, I don't think this is necessarily people with deeply ingrained kinks, and many of the men I've encountered who are into this as 'fashionable' are not good at the consent, discussion, boundaries etc.*

They probably don't think their behaviour during sex is kinky or BDSM. From porn, they think it's mainstream. So I doubt they'd be out off by someone saying they're not "kinky".

They've just used the word vanilla to try to shame and manipulate op the way the word frigid used to be used.

They'd still be pushing the way they want to have sex/think they should have sex on any woman they're with.

@DragonPoop

I’m in my late twenties (married for a few years) but yes in my early twenties this was my experience with men too (all into strangulation and hitting me in the face) so I sympathise OP! I then met my husband and he is respectful of my boundaries, and wouldn’t try anything without making sure I was ok with it - so there are nice guys out there!

Thank you, that's reassuring

@MarshmallowAra

*so I was merely suggesting a way she could find people who she felt more compatible with.

And I agree - as I said above, I don't think this is necessarily people with deeply ingrained kinks, and many of the men I've encountered who are into this as 'fashionable' are not good at the consent, discussion, boundaries etc.*

They probably don't think their behaviour during sex is kinky or BDSM. From porn, they think it's mainstream. So I doubt they'd be out off by someone saying they're not "kinky".

They've just used the word vanilla to try to shame and manipulate op the way the word frigid used to be used.

They'd still be pushing the way they want to have sex/think they should have sex on any woman they're with.

you're right, that's actually a good point, that they might not even see it that way. You've reminded me of a friend who said he was into choking, but didn't see it as kinky - i'd completely forgot about that. we had a very long conversation about it a few years ago, because it was clear that he a) didn't see it as a kink and b) didn't understand the danger. I was really quite shocked that people saw this as just 'normal sex' i.e. that didn't require any kind of discussion as to boundaries, safe words, etc.

Choking requires so much trust. When my partner is doing it, i am relinquishing all control. That is what turns me on. But I know that i can trust him, and i feel safe. I would absolutely not do this with someone i had a one night stand with, and i would really lose it if someone didn't stop immediately if they tried it.

Imagine finding a post where a young woman laments that her sexual partners all want to inflict assault upon her, and making it into your own personal "Not All Kinks Are Like That" thread with no fewer than five posts about how wonderful being strangled can be. Read the room.

@HeeeeeyBogie

Imagine finding a post where a young woman laments that her sexual partners all want to inflict assault upon her, and making it into your own personal "Not All Kinks Are Like That" thread with no fewer than five posts about how wonderful being strangled can be. Read the room.

T H I S!

@HeeeeeyBogie

Imagine finding a post where a young woman laments that her sexual partners all want to inflict assault upon her, and making it into your own personal "Not All Kinks Are Like That" thread with no fewer than five posts about how wonderful being strangled can be. Read the room.

Some men might do it because their ex liked it or they think women like it rough.

No decent man would do it without discussing first or asking.