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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gut feeling husband is going to leave me soon.

622 replies

Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 01:36

I feel somewhat silly for writing this as I’m genuinely not sure what to think and haven’t been in this situation with him before. For some months I’ve noticed my DH has distanced himself from me quite a bit and has missed big events (in our relationship) like valentines, Mother’s Day etc. I feel like he’s been avoiding me and not making any effort anymore. He’s locked down his social media too, as I called out the fact he had randomly started following A number of women on SM which generally wasn’t a problem but the amount in a short space of time was. I have the gut feeling it’s someone from work as he has stopped texting me on breaks etc (which he always did before) and I found pictures of me in his recently deleted folder in his phone so there are no pictures of me in there anymore.

I’ve found he’s blowing up over the silliest things. He makes minimal eye contact and often comes home from his night shift and instead of getting into bed for a cuddle like he used to (before the kids get me up) he’ll stay downstairs, and go up when we’re up and often be up there for some time awake etc. It feels almost like resentment.

He’s working an increasing amount of overtime and seems to have no time for me anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackcat88 · 01/04/2021 00:43

I remember a couple of weeks ago he rang his mum and asked for his old number to get back into something blah blah I didn’t think much of it at all until now.

OP posts:
NotMyPremium · 01/04/2021 00:45

Really lucky your sister had a 3 year old text from him from his old number then!

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 01/04/2021 00:47

@NotMyPremium

Really lucky your sister had a 3 year old text from him from his old number then!
She doesn’t delete things and I guess he didn’t think that would happen!!! I’m sat here trying to get onto it.
OP posts:
SandyY2K · 01/04/2021 01:03

He's so following the script for an affair by painting you as the horrible wife to his mum.

It will be interesting to see what you find in that email address. Get proof if you find anything.

Totallyfedup1979 · 01/04/2021 01:10

Good luck op. Hope you find whatever you need to move forward.

Mummy7777 · 01/04/2021 01:12

Good luck hun x

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 01/04/2021 01:37

With the same email address he’s signed up to snapchat and Instagram.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 01/04/2021 01:48

Oh dear, you say it was only a few weeks ago he asked his mom for this number. So you have noticed in the last couple of weeks this has stepped up, his indiference to the relationship.

You are on the ball, it sounds like it's just ramped up.

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 01/04/2021 01:50

@Onthedunes

Oh dear, you say it was only a few weeks ago he asked his mom for this number. So you have noticed in the last couple of weeks this has stepped up, his indiference to the relationship.

You are on the ball, it sounds like it's just ramped up.

Yes there were definitely subtle things before, but not enough to really suspect. Since I’ve came back from that time at my mums house it’s got worse since then. Which is when I’m guessing he told whoever that were definitely over blah blah and has stuck to the story.
OP posts:
Onthedunes · 01/04/2021 01:55

Get as much evidence as you can, and phone the solicitors.

Keep your cards close to your chest at the moment, only trust your family.
Unfortunately he is the enemy now.

DaisyChainsForever · 01/04/2021 02:00

Take screenshots of everything you find, and if possible forward them to someone you trust, just in case something happens to your phone. I learned that the hard way.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 01/04/2021 02:29

@DaisyChainsForever

Take screenshots of everything you find, and if possible forward them to someone you trust, just in case something happens to your phone. I learned that the hard way.
This. You need to take screenshots and/or take pictures of all of it and send it all to your mum or sister for safekeeping.
Getoffmyhat · 01/04/2021 02:41

What an absolute dick. I will never, for the life of me, understand why people can't be honest with each other. People always do what they want to do but he could handle it so much better than how he currently is. It's horrible that you have to go round sleuthing to get the truth, at the very least, just to protect your sanity!
My thoughts go out to you op, you are better off without that shit in your life.

ismiseeire · 01/04/2021 02:49

Jesus, why bother. Just end it. Move on. You don't need evidence. No court is going to have a hearing.

Sansaplans · 01/04/2021 03:01

Remember that quite a few email accounts now have a 2 way authentication setting on them. For example, if a device logs into mine, I get a message on my phone to confirm its me, but it doesn't show on the log in screen that they're sending it (if that makes sense), so he might know.

Monty27 · 01/04/2021 03:04

Thankfully you're aware.
You need to leave darling 💐
He's not planning for anyone but himself by buying a 1 bed.

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 01/04/2021 03:08

@ismiseeire

Jesus, why bother. Just end it. Move on. You don't need evidence. No court is going to have a hearing.
Because I’m struggling to believe this man could do this to me.
OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 01/04/2021 03:14

@Blackcat88 I understand why you want proof. It’s a big deal to end a marriage no matter what. I too always hoped I was wrong. It maybe doesn’t seem
like it now, but you’ll be ok 💐

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 01/04/2021 03:17

[quote WouldBeGood]@Blackcat88 I understand why you want proof. It’s a big deal to end a marriage no matter what. I too always hoped I was wrong. It maybe doesn’t seem
like it now, but you’ll be ok 💐[/quote]
Thankyou. I can’t sleep, I feel horrible. I know that whatever I see on these accounts means he’ll have to leave. I can’t believe I’m in this position, I honestly believed he’d never do this.

OP posts:
Getoffmyhat · 01/04/2021 03:25

@Blackcat88 have a hug and try and get some rest (easier said than done, I know!)
You are amazing and handling this so well. Keep going xx

LoverOfLight · 01/04/2021 03:43

I'm so so sorry Flowers have you found anything concrete to confront him with?

sykadelic · 01/04/2021 04:32

I completely understand wanting that proof. Especially if he tries to gaslight you.

Hes playing the long game, you can as well. He's obviously alienated his mum against you. You have obvious truth on your side

Kintsuji · 01/04/2021 04:53

@Shouldbedoing

Dear OP, I've RTFT and I'm concerned at the entrenchment of finances and waste of legal fees if he's able to buy a house at this stage. It would take a lot of unravelling and in the short term, you lose money on purchase costs, surveys, building insurance etc. He doesn't seem to realise that only half of the family pot is his and probably only one third of it since you will be primary carer for 2 small babies, something to ask a solicitor, I think.
Good point. In the short term buying uses up a lot of money, won't increase assets. Stamp duty or similar taxes on buying, legal fees etc. There'd most likely be more in the pot if he doesn't go through with the purchase. Everything else aside I wouldn't be staying in a marriage with someone who didn't want my name on the house that was supposed to be out family home.
ExitChasedByAnImposter · 01/04/2021 04:57

I am sorry you’re going through this. It seems like he has been planning this for a very long time. I wouldn’t expect his mother to side with you, even when she repeated his lies, whether you corrected her or not, she’s already made up her mind that her son is somehow the victim and she already thinks “he can do no wrong”.

Once you have the proof you need so that he won’t gaslight you seeing as he just wants you to “trust” him, you will need to get moving fast because he clearly has thought things through and is very ahead. Pretend that you don’t know what’s happening and pull the rug from under his feet. He can use this victimize himself even further but you will have the proof so you won’t second guess yourself.

Like other posters have said, email someone you trust with all the proof that way they’ll have a copy and you can always go back to your sent folder.

Butterfly44 · 01/04/2021 05:21

So sorry. I too think there could be someone else. What a shit. I'd be talking to a solicitor and making sure finances etc are tight. I'd also want to make him think a bit and realise I still have a life. I'd make plans to visit friends at weekend, get him to babysit, doll up and deliberately stay out behind the time you said you'd be back. Change your own passwords etc so he can't have access to the open you anymore. If he leaves he's going to have to get used to having kids and fending on his own so bloody start from now! Any social plans he has interrupt that he has to look after kids. He can't have it all. Leaving you off mortgage is rubbish - he needs to house you and kids. You are married anyway so regardless would get half so I don't know what he's thinking in his head. Angry on your behalf OP