DH masturbating after sex. Male advice welcome!

[HermionePotter123]

NC for this for obvious reasons. Just to start off I have no issues with my DH masturbating providing it doesn't replace our sex life (at one point he basically was replacing sex with masturbation but after a frank chat we got things back on track). Anyway, DH isn't the most discreet of men and would often leave 'used' boxers/socks etc lying around. We share the laundry 50/50 but he's currently on a set of night shifts so I tend to do the housework when he's working nights (plus I'm still on maternity so I've more free time). Anyway, I've noticed that DH has a habit of seeing to himself later in the day after we've DTD. We had sex this morning then when I was tidying up this evening I noticed a badly hidden sock sticking out from under the bed which he'd obviously used. Normally I'd roll my eyes and get on with it, but it got me thinking there does seem to be a pattern of him doing it a few hours after sex. My minds now in overdrive thinking do I not satisfy him? Or could it be a case of sex making him more horny? Like I said, as long as our sex life is good I've no issue with masturbation/porn but it's just the way it always seems to be after we have sex that makes me wonder if he doesn't feel it's satisfactory enough. Obviously I can't ask him as he'd be mortified and I know it's none of my business really. But just curious to here other poster POV.

@crackingcrackers yep I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I don't really know why he lies about having a low libido. But if sees wanking as a "comfort/sleep aid" then he may genuinely feel that it's not a sexual thing. The main way I know he's wanking is because I can hear him go into the bathroom, flushing straight away (not actually using the toilet) then going back to bed. It would sound creepy as anything if I said that to him and really would seem snoopy (but the walls are really thin and the bathroom is right above the living room which is where I normally be with the DCs when he's sleeping).

@AvaCallanach

I can't believe a grown man leaves wanky socks lying around. Has he no pride? That's disgusting. misses point of thread completely

This

Is he 15?

You don't have to get him to detail his mastabatory habits either, just raise your concern and tell him that your fear is that he prefers wanking (possibly porn) to sex with you. Tell him you know that it is coming from a place of low self esteem, but given the prior state of your sex life that's not wildly left field.

Also, not snoopy. As you say, you live together in a place together, with thin walls too so you can tell what's going on. I presume you can also hear when he has a shower, makes a cuppa, etc. It's not snooping! You just share a home.

You are completely valid in sharing your worries with you partner. You'll only feel worse if you bottle it up.

@HermionePotter123 I hear you. Perhaps you should approach it more from the leaving evidence around point than the wanking itself. It’s massively disrespectful in my opinion to just leave wanked in underwear around.
That may then lead to a wider discussion about how you feel about yourself and desirability. I don’t think anyone is disagreeing with his right to wank, however there is a difference between discreetly wanking when you don’t need to know about it, and doing what he does.

If it helps, I don’t think this has one single thing to do with how desirable he finds you. Him wanking hours after sex suggests it’s more of a habit/ addiction issue entirely separate from your relationship. You’ve already had some success in reigniting your sex life from approaching this previously, maybe you just need to keep communication open.

I sometimes do it when I return home after having had sex with the gf. A lot of it is the excitement horniness from thinking about what we'd been up to a couple hours earlier.

The cum sock stuff I did similar as a teen thinking it was a clever way to hide it (feel sorry for my mum now as in hindsight it was surely so obvious, but I get the impression this is pretty common for teen boys) but would just use tissues and flush away now as an adult. If that bothers you then have a word. I'd be mortified to let my partner clean up crusty socks or undies for me.

We actually had that conversation before @crackingcrackers and he swore he didn't. I genuinely don't know if he does or doesn't but even if he does prefer self pleasure he would never admit to it. He has said that occasionally he prefers to wank as he has no pressure to perform and it's sometimes quicker (which I totally get). I'm not really sure how my self esteem can be improved but I don't really think there's much else he could do. I think in an ideal world many women would love if their DH made them feel like sexual goddesses and would never so much look at another woman never mind wank over porn. It would be great if we felt that we met every single one of our DHs sexual needs everytime. But that's not realistic and nor should men feel guilty about masturbating/fantasising as ultimately it's human nature whether we like it or not. I know there's a huge ethical debate around porn (which is not for this thread), but even taking that aside, those who use their imaginations generally don't solely fantasise about their partner. Incidentally when I masturbate I often do think of DH but that's probably because I lack the imagine to think of anything/anyone else!

Porn is absolutely nothing like fantasising, even aside from the fact it involves real people. A previous poster has already explained how he needed increasingly extreme content to get aroused - it’s a lot like drugs, gradually needing more to get the same hit. This is extremely common. Porn is designed to be more stimulating than actual sex. When I was in a relationship with a porn addict I had a certain idea of the content of porn - when I saw what he was actually watching I felt physically sick. It was so aggressive and extreme and degrading.

In my view, it’s likely not the masturbation that’s the issue - it’s the porn. Clearly it has impacted your sex life in the past, so it’s not a harmless pastime. He may be making more effort now but it seems likely he’s still dependent on it.

Porn is not essential to masturbation and i would be far more concerned about frequent porn consumption than anything else.

@HermionePotter123 I'm genuinely not saying you should ask him to stop, I know it's healthy and we all do. Well, most. It just sounds like it's rely getting you down and it's worth a conversation. Although if he won't talk about it anyway, maybe not.

Cum socks. What's his thought process there? That he'll wash them maybe? Why doesn't he get tissues? He's trying to hide it. He's ashamed?

I feel it's his body and I'm not keen on policing my DP's masturbation. Yes it makes me feel a bit sort of upset somehow, but also I think I don't have any right to feel like that as certainly I will happily masturbate myself and would be like 'I'm sorry?!' if he told me I'm 'not allowed' and 'betraying' him.

Flip this. One of us women comes on here and says omg my DP says I can't touch my body when I'm not with him. And I'm not allowed to orgasm if I've had sex with him earlier.

We can't tell another person they can't touch their own body. Or shame them for it. 🤦‍♀️

I'd be glad he liked to orgasm at least twice a day and would feel it boded well.

Ask him if you can have a go at doing it for him sometimes?

There’s nothing wrong with him wanking but leaving his disgusting wank socks for you to clear up is sackable behaviour

Thanks for all the replies everyone. I know what posters are saying about communication and I'm normally very much in the open communication camp but as this is not affecting our sex life, I don't think I can say anything. I think the issue is my low self esteem/confidence and it's really on me to work on that. Yes it's due to his previous behaviour that has lowered my esteem but I don't think he can really do much more than he's doing now. I maybe am overthinking matters and would hate for him to feel controlled/policed/spied on as if the roles were reversed I wouldn't be happy. As for the sock thing, if he continually were to leave dirty clothes around I would speak with him but in fairness he rarely does it nowadays and if it hadn't been for hoovering the bedroom I wouldn't have noticed it. I think we can all agree a box of kleenex may be useful though!

I've been single for a while (happily single and content to stay that way) but one thing I have noticed is your libido is a bit like use it or lose it. This is probably the longest I've gone without sex in my adult life. Been single before obviously but have been happy to have casual engagements (lol) in the past, obviously because of covid that hasn't happened this time.
Anyway the point I'm trying to get to is, I have a healthy sex drive and when in a relationship, so having sex more often, it actually makes me hornier so masturbation is more often too (sorry tmi but you get my point). What I'm trying to say is, I wouldn't worry about it happening in the same day you've had sex, as long as the sex is good and often enough.
However the socks thing. I don't know what's worse the fact he uses it in the first place or that he then just leaves them lying around, that's disgusting and i would go batshit crazy about that.

@HermionePotter123

Thanks for all the replies everyone. I know what posters are saying about communication and I'm normally very much in the open communication camp but as this is not affecting our sex life, I don't think I can say anything. I think the issue is my low self esteem/confidence and it's really on me to work on that. Yes it's due to his previous behaviour that has lowered my esteem but I don't think he can really do much more than he's doing now. I maybe am overthinking matters and would hate for him to feel controlled/policed/spied on as if the roles were reversed I wouldn't be happy. As for the sock thing, if he continually were to leave dirty clothes around I would speak with him but in fairness he rarely does it nowadays and if it hadn't been for hoovering the bedroom I wouldn't have noticed it. I think we can all agree a box of kleenex may be useful though!

I knew you weren't going to communicate with him and ask him. I just knew it, I really don't know why you bothered asking for advice. It may not be affecting your sex life, but it is certainly affecting you, your self esteem, and it is affecting your marriage. You can't even communicate your own husband. You don't really have much of a marriage. And if he denies it, then that is an honesty/communication problem and it really needs addressing either through a discussion or through therapy. But keep being in denial. I don't know what you get out of a marriage where your husband is dishonest and you can't communicate. Sex life or not, the issue is not that. The issue is honesty and openness. And you don't have that. And you'd rather do absolutely nothing about it, because you don't even have the tools to communicate with your own husband. That's very sad. I would hate to live in a marriage like that. Your esteem will get lower and lower, your communication will worsen, and you'll be back on here in a year or two down the track.

Hey @cokie thanks for the reply. I suppose the issue is I don't really know how to begin the conversation. Unless he were frequently and blatantly leaving evidence around (which he doesn't) then it would be difficult to have that talk. As I mentioned, it was REALLY problematic before when he was rejecting me for sex. However since that talk our sex life has improved. At the time of us having that conversation, I explained that I didn't mind him masturbating, providing it didn't impact on our intimacy. Which I think is a fairly sensible view to have on the matter. If I were to ask him 'why do you wank after we have sex' he would feel as if I were trying to completely stop him masturbating and/or control when I 'allow' him to do it. As I've explained, he's done what I've asked him to do which is prioritise our sex life over masturbation. The problem is my self esteem (admittedly caused by his previous behaviour). If I came on and put up a post saying that I masturbate after sex (for whatever reason), and my DH interrogated me about it, he would be completely vilified. As PP have suggested he likely does it out of habit, to help him sleep or else he thinks about the earlier events which gets him going again. I think these are all perfectly acceptable reasons. If it due to addiction that would not be ok (and would definitely hurt me) however 1) I don't think that's the case and 2) even if it was, he would never admit to it so there would be no point asking. It would be extremely difficult to prove/disprove but he doesn't have the typical signs of a porn addiction (ED, difficulty climaxing etc). A previous poster suggested that the real issue is not having got to the root of his behaviour previously when he was rejecting me and i think that was a very good point. Although I did ask him at the time, I didn't really get a satisfactory answer. I'm not sure he even knew himself to be honest. He often has problems talking about emotions etc and would clam up. At that time we had just recently had our first child and he struggled a lot with fatherhood. The pregnancy was unplanned and although he delighted I think once the baby came a long he felt quite overwhelmed. He was depressed and drinking a lot. I'm not excusing his behaviour (he really was an utter dick and I nearly left because of it all), but just trying to explain why I think he was rejecting me. If he were to start those behaviours up again then I definitely would have to have another conversation.

Sorry tagged the wrong person! Meant to be @Cokie3

It seems to me that you are willing to put up with anything to keep him, and that is very sad in my view.

He treats you really poorly op. You don't feel good when you are with him, he leaves disgusting things around your house and yet you are blaming yourself and your self esteem issues!

Not really considering your self esteem issues might be due to the lack of respect he has for you?!!

Your self esteem will never ever improve until you are spending your life with people that deeply love, value and respect you. On all counts he seems to fail on all three. His actions are not those of a loving respectful man op.

So with all due respect, his masturbation routine is the least of your worries. The problems run far deeper that that.

Blaming yourself for his disgusting habits will further damage your self esteem.

@HermionePotter123

Thanks for all the replies everyone. I know what posters are saying about communication and I'm normally very much in the open communication camp but as this is not affecting our sex life, I don't think I can say anything. I think the issue is my low self esteem/confidence and it's really on me to work on that. Yes it's due to his previous behaviour that has lowered my esteem but I don't think he can really do much more than he's doing now. I maybe am overthinking matters and would hate for him to feel controlled/policed/spied on as if the roles were reversed I wouldn't be happy. As for the sock thing, if he continually were to leave dirty clothes around I would speak with him but in fairness he rarely does it nowadays and if it hadn't been for hoovering the bedroom I wouldn't have noticed it. I think we can all agree a box of kleenex may be useful though!

It might not be affecting your sex life but it’s affecting your self esteem quite badly. Is that not a good enough reason to have a discussion with him?

FWIW I really don’t think the issue is about him wanking.
Your issue is about understanding why he was masturbating rather than having sex in the first place (when it WAS creating an issue with your sex life). Until you know and understand those reasons, any time he will chose to masturbate, you will wonder why.
And you KNOW it’s not about low libido. You also know he either has some massive issues with masturbation or he is hiding something (porn addiction being one of many possibilities).

Also you are making a lot of excuses for him. He clams up, he struggles with emotions, he doesn’t why he did it, overwhelmed by being a new father etc....

How long ago was the first issue with no sex due to him masturbatiing?

@ParadiseIsland

Also you are making a lot of excuses for him. He clams up, he struggles with emotions, he doesn’t why he did it, overwhelmed by being a new father etc....

How long ago was the first issue with no sex due to him masturbatiing?

The question now needs to be asked is, will he carry on with this behaviour when he the responsibility of being a new parent? Of anything having a baby has taught me as a Father it's to step up and make time for my DW rather than being selfish. And obviously supporting her and baby shows her that I am totally devoted to putting her needs before myself. Even during pregnancy sex we are both able to orgasm together and feel great, using a box of tissues we have on the bedside table to clean up... I think this bit needs to stipulated more!

Sorry no advice but the socks are grim! I would be placing tissues in the bedroom!!

Are you sure he didn’t clean up after DTD.

Only advice I have is shutters look lovely. ( I wouldn’t risk curtains, if I was you.

😂😂😂💀

So, he doesn’t communicate or answer questions, claims that genuine questions are “controlling”, drinks too much, struggles with being a father, and leaves his cum in socks for you to find?
I think your self-esteem is so low because he is a crappy partner. Nothing destroys self-esteem faster than being treated badly.

@BlueSkyBlinking

So, he doesn’t communicate or answer questions, claims that genuine questions are “controlling”, drinks too much, struggles with being a father, and leaves his cum in socks for you to find? I think your self-esteem is so low because he is a crappy partner. Nothing destroys self-esteem faster than being treated badly.

Actually, put like that he does sound a bit rubbish.

I'm fighting my instinct to feel really sorry for him with those cum socks now.

I mean, let's go there with this ... does he put the dirty sock on his dick like a weirdly comforting woollen condom, and cum straight into it?

Or is it like he comes messily on the sheets and his hand, then sort of wipes it up and into a dirty sock?

Either way ...........

I can't help it. Omg I'm feeling sorry for him ......