DH masturbating after sex. Male advice welcome!

[HermionePotter123]

NC for this for obvious reasons. Just to start off I have no issues with my DH masturbating providing it doesn't replace our sex life (at one point he basically was replacing sex with masturbation but after a frank chat we got things back on track). Anyway, DH isn't the most discreet of men and would often leave 'used' boxers/socks etc lying around. We share the laundry 50/50 but he's currently on a set of night shifts so I tend to do the housework when he's working nights (plus I'm still on maternity so I've more free time). Anyway, I've noticed that DH has a habit of seeing to himself later in the day after we've DTD. We had sex this morning then when I was tidying up this evening I noticed a badly hidden sock sticking out from under the bed which he'd obviously used. Normally I'd roll my eyes and get on with it, but it got me thinking there does seem to be a pattern of him doing it a few hours after sex. My minds now in overdrive thinking do I not satisfy him? Or could it be a case of sex making him more horny? Like I said, as long as our sex life is good I've no issue with masturbation/porn but it's just the way it always seems to be after we have sex that makes me wonder if he doesn't feel it's satisfactory enough. Obviously I can't ask him as he'd be mortified and I know it's none of my business really. But just curious to here other poster POV.

I don't think he is mortified at all, clearly he wants you to know. He could easily do it any time he wants and have it be his own private business but no, he leaves these little "messages" around. Is he trying to gross you out, show off, or worse, turn you on (shudder).

Its obviously no accident, when is the last time a women went solo, then threw the not cleaned vibrator on the floor and left it. Never.

I'd start the conversation with please don't leave wanked in socks lying around, it's gross

Then I'd ask if he was stressed and using sex as a release as twice in one day is excessive

I think truthfully the issue is my own self esteem and it's in the back of my mind that I don't satisfy him and he would rather masturbate.

More to the point, I think your issue is still the same than when yoou had no sex and he was masturbating.
You say he then made an effort to have sex with you bit you still don't have solved the issue as to WHY he chose to masturbate rather than sex with you.
Until this is clarified, you will always end up second guessing yourself.

I actually can't believe he is leaving wank socks on the floor and you're picking them up for him. And how you have just accepted that. You are not his maid, and even if you were, it is so beyond acceptable behaviour. It's deeply unattractive. I can't advise you on your issue as I wouldn't even be able to get passed this to actually have sex with him in the first place.

There really is a fixation with the socks! just to clarify (although I'm not sure this is much better), he doesn't wank into the sock, but rather uses it to clean up. Yes I get for some people it may be gross also to use underwear to clean up after DTD but it does go into the laundry basket afterwards (definitely never reworn). As I've said repeatedly he did not anticipate that I would find the sock and did not expect me to clean it for him. Since the last conversation he has generally been more discreet. I don't think it's porn addiction as it generally does just seem to be when he's on nights which makes me think it's maybe an aid to help with sleep. Or else he does just prefer to wank. If the latter were true he would never tell me anyway as he knows it would hurt my feelings so there would be no point asking him. Plus it would seem extremely controlling to query his masturbation habits particularly when he is making more of an effort with me. I do get also that some people just prefer to wank sometimes as a quick release rather than having to worry about performing, satisfying someone else, seeming like a sex 'pest' etc, which again is fine. My worry is more that he generally prefers wanking/porn to sex but again, there's no point in asking as very few men would be stupid enough willing to admit to that being the case.

@HermionePotter123

There really is a fixation with the socks! just to clarify (although I'm not sure this is much better), he doesn't wank into the sock, but rather uses it to clean up. Yes I get for some people it may be gross also to use underwear to clean up after DTD but it does go into the laundry basket afterwards (definitely never reworn). As I've said repeatedly he did not anticipate that I would find the sock and did not expect me to clean it for him. Since the last conversation he has generally been more discreet. I don't think it's porn addiction as it generally does just seem to be when he's on nights which makes me think it's maybe an aid to help with sleep. Or else he does just prefer to wank. If the latter were true he would never tell me anyway as he knows it would hurt my feelings so there would be no point asking him. Plus it would seem extremely controlling to query his masturbation habits particularly when he is making more of an effort with me. I do get also that some people just prefer to wank sometimes as a quick release rather than having to worry about performing, satisfying someone else, seeming like a sex 'pest' etc, which again is fine. My worry is more that he generally prefers wanking/porn to sex but again, there's no point in asking as very few men would be stupid enough willing to admit to that being the case.

Yeah actually if you started another thread saying your husband was asking for sex after you already had sex a couple hours ago you would have an army of MNs telling you to divorce him too.

Its just the way it is here. Surprised anyone has been able to make it past 2 years of marriage here.

The only problem here is that you feel you cannot talk to him about it.

So talk to him. You are grown ass adults, not teenagers giggling in SRE. If you are going to have sex, you should be able to discuss any aspect of it with your partner.

@Shelddd yeah I do think he would be flamed if I were to say that he asked for sex again later. Truthfully I would have been happy enough to DTD again later, but obviously that's not always the case when there are days I'm tired, busy, etc and I can't expect him to be a mind reader. I think I should reframe my question "do some people prefer wanking to sex and if so why?" as I think that is really what I'm actually concerned about/asking.

I think I should reframe my question "do some people prefer wanking to sex and if so why?" as I think that is really what I'm actually concerned about/asking.

You don't care about some people. You care about him. And we don't know if he prefers wanking to sex. We don't know why he's doing it. You're going to need to have a conversation with him.

@Overcastcloudy I get what you're saying, but I don't feel as if I can really ask him about his masturbation habits, particularly when we are having regular sex. If he were regularly leaving used socks around then yes that would be problematic and I would say, but on the whole he tries to be discreet nowadays. As I've explained, I think the issue is more my low self esteem, so I often wonder does he actually enjoy sex with me or does he see it as a chore and prefers to wank. Again, I'm sure there are plenty of people who sometimes prefer a wank to sex for various reasons but my worry is that he nearly always prefers masturbation. I'm maybe hopefully being ridiculous and wonder does it even matter in the grand scheme of things. There would be no point in chatting to him about it as he would never admit to it

I had a porn addiction in uni and the Mrs would catch me fallen asleep after with dried cum on my stomach... At least he doesn't do that!
I had it real bad too.. it disrupted our sex life completely!

Put the sock back in the drawer, when he puts it on he'll be in for a surprise

Thanks for your honesty @TheHallsHall. I'm guessing you managed to overcome your addiction? Do you mind me asking what it was that you preferred about porn/wanking to the real thing? Not judging, just curious. And did it upset your OH or did she accept it?

Why is a grown adult wanking into socks and boxers? Every man I've ever lived with has had the grace to clean up properly with tissues and throw them away!

Why is he cumming into socks then leaving said crusty socks allover the place rather than using tissue or washing it off like a normal person??

I can't get my head around that, no one is that lazy and disgusting.

I don't think the waking is an issue, unless it replaces your sex life as you said but the crusty cum socks.... Nah.

Dear God, please at least buy some Kleenex, the thought of him wanking into socks and boxers is absolutely grim. Leaving them around is beyond revolting. He sounds like a manky teenage boy.

I’d have no issue with him wanking really, although it does seems excessive. But leaving his cummy remnants around is fucking disgusting.

Couldn’t really get past the socks issue in last post. Have thought about it a bit more and sounds like possible porn addiction and something to not just ignore.
I’d have absolutely no hesitation in speaking to my dh about it (and the socks). If you can’t speak about every aspect of your sex life as adults in a marriage then you’ve got problems. It’s affecting your self esteem and that’s enough to bring it up.

I won't argue the point - how you two communicate about sex is up to you. But I think it's sad that you feel you cannot just have an open discussion with him, especially if it is affecting your self esteem. You can have a talk without blame or accusation, because you honestly seem pretty open-minded. You weren't snooping - you're finding evidence that he's leaving about. And you have questions and some worries. Normal.

I think the cleaning up with clothes thing is just habitual. I've personally never used a sock to clean up after DTD but don't see an issue with boxers/underwear providing they are put into the laundry afterwards. I'm sure he does use toilet paper too as our bathroom is directly above the living room. I can often here him walk into the bathroom and flush straightaway then walk straight back into the bedroom so I suspect he's disposing of used tissues then too. Again, this only seems to happen a few hours after sex.

*hear him

@HermionePotter123

Thanks for your honesty *@TheHallsHall*. I'm guessing you managed to overcome your addiction? Do you mind me asking what it was that you preferred about porn/wanking to the real thing? Not judging, just curious. And did it upset your OH or did she accept it?

It was a really dark time for me, it all started with soft stuff like GonG then gradually over about 2 years it grew and grew to Mum and mature and I wasn't being satisfied by just intercourse no matter the position, I tried to persuade her to have a threesome and try making porn. Now I knew in my heart what I was doing was destroying our relationship but my head and dick were saying other stuff. I needed more, more ejaculation and more visual stuff, harder porn, stuff you couldn't imagine... I found myself having weird black outs where I was watching but also not I wasn't absorbing it and wasn't even bothered but I had to keep watching, not for pleasure but entertainment... Yeah... I knew I had a problem. when I started seeking other ways to pleasure, it basically led to me almost cheating, my gf now wife felt so upset, we argued constantly about it and we were breaking up. No matter what I did I couldn't work it out, it led to mental health issues and seeking therapy... Turns out as my mum passed away when I was 16 I was trying to seek more and more comfort, as I got older I just wanted a stable life and stable sex life so after months of therapy and switching off I found pleasure in sex again.. it was incredibly hard for me to realise my problem and I sometimes slip back, but I tell myself porn is made up and written/directed to please other people.

It's also worth pointing out that my gf has been with me since we were 18 now 26 with baby boy on the way. He will get through it but NGL it may take some time for him to realise it. Also just tell him to use tissues or the shower

@WilsonMilson and @Overcastcloudy I genuinely do understand what you are both saying about communication, but I do think it sounds a bit controlling to say "how come you're wanking after sex". He would feel like he can't masturbate at all. When we spoke about it previously my problem was that he was not having sex with me but choosing solely to masturbate. I made it clear to him that there's nothing wrong with masturbating as an adjunct to a healthy sex life, but I couldn't tolerate it being a replacement. Since then he has made a much bigger effort in initiating intimacy etc. So if I were to broach the subject he would (understandably) feel as if I were trying to tell him not to masturbate full stop (which isn't the problem at all). He would be thinking "well when can I bloody well do it then?" I suspect that 1) he sees sex and masturbation as 2 different things. Yes they both achieve sexual gratification but sex is about intimacy, bonding etc and wanking is about a quick release with no pressure. Or 2) he prefers masturbation but can never admit that as he knows I'd be very hurt. So although I normally agree on open communication, I dont feel this is a situation would improve matters, but rather the opposite with him feeling hen pecked and controlled which would lead to resentment down the line. My self esteem issues largely come down to his previous rejections, however I do know I need to try and get past this, particularly when he is making an effort now. Although I appreciate the fact that PPs largely seem to be in my corner, imagine if the roles were reversed and a female poster wrote "I had sex with my DH earlier then felt a bit horny later/couldn't sleep so I used my vibrator and DH kicked off". There would be choruses of LTB and he would be completely demonised for being "controlling" etc. I think the crux of this issue is that due to him denting my confidence before, I am constantly second guessing my own desirability. However, in fairness to DH there's not much more he can do to change that.

@HermionePotter123 I think the issue is that he damaged your self esteem last time and his current behaviour is continuing to, especially because he's lying and saying he has a low libido. It sounds like it will completely pull you apart if you don't talk about it with him because only he can answer your questions. Him dismissing it with "I've just got a low libido", especially when you're aware thats not the case, is just adding to you low self esteem. It's just him sticking his head in the sand while your marriage/you are suffering with not knowing what it going on. So you need to talk about that with him.