New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

What a nice husband

He's honed in on your because you're a woman and he wouldn't feel threatened with you making a friendship with her. He's probably controlling tbh, a lot of men who are go for foreign women as they think they're more likely to do what they're told. This is why he fully expects you to comply when he asks you to go around.

I've arrived in a foreign country myself before hardly speaking a word of the language.

Even if this woman hardly understands a word of English - which is pretty unlikely if she has gone through the Spanish school system, which teaches English as a foreign language from primary age - she'll still be able to find something to do without relying entirely on her husband or next-door neighbour to find leaflets for her. It's harder with Corona, but she's got a brain and Google Translate if her school English is really rusty. She'll be able to find baby groups herself if she wants to. For all we know, she's not even keen on being OP's friend and is just being polite and going along with her husband, when actually she'd rather just find some nice expat Spanish people to chat with and get tips from. The assumption that she's desperate for OP's company and will latch onto her and be a pest is weird considering that OP hasn't even spoken to her in person yet.

@LoveDrunk

But the husband is trying to help her (albeit in a bit misguided in this case and slightly forceful way) by trying to link her in with a seemingly friendly neighbour.

No, he’s trying to get out of having to do anything to actually help by passing it to someone else to sort out. Then he can live his life whilst another woman does the hard part. He’s a cheeky fucker.

Mumsnet at it’s craziest.

This. If the husband has plenty of time to be going out and about, why does he not take his wife?

If she needs help, the husband should be looking out for her, surely? And not dumping this on the nearest person with a vagina. OP has said her husband hasn't been asked to do the same, so I bet that this offer of meeting all together, to include the blokes will be useful for setting and managing expectations.

I'm relatively friendly, but also an introvert. I chat with the lady I share an alley with, but haven't as yet spoken to the neighbours on the other side. We just are not around at similar times, nothing in common, etc. I would hate someone trying to force a friendship on me.

Spanish is a common enough language - Unless you live remotely it should be possible to even find an online community until things go back to normal.

The husband is, I assume, making friends through work. It would seem easier to invite some of them round to meet his wife - socially distanced of course. At least there would be some conversation. Or reach out to the Spanish ex-pat community, much easier for his wife to connect with people who she can actually speak to.

If she can only say hello, please and thank you in English there really is very little point in having a coffee morning. Much better to regularly say hello is the driveway, over the fence then as her English develops she can try out new phrases on you and your husband when your bump into each other.

If someone came knocking on my door for info about babies because their neighbour has a baby I would be wondering wtaf is wrong with these people. Smile. Mumble soon excuse and close the door. Probably start a thread on here.

No: putting obligation and pressure on a stranger for someone else's happiness is not acceptable. OP is essentially a stranger. She has an entirely different lifestyle from her new neighbour and has nothing in common with her. I'd have taken her a plant or a bunch of flowers saying 'welcome to the neighbourhood', and say 'hello there, lovely weather today!' when we met, and that is as far as I'd go.

OP - your gut is telling you something's off for a reason. When a person is this needy at a stranger stage - albeit by proxy - it's unlikely to end well. Real friendship happens organically, and should never be forced especially when one party for whatever reason isn't comfortable with the pushing. I've no idea why some posters think this is tantamount to ignoring her. But I do know that I'm fucking well sick of this saccharine message to 'BE KIND' that's constantly (and almost exclusively) thrust at women. It's not our responsibility to be service humans for everyone else. Not least this sickly soundbite was coined by a domestic abuser: make of that what you will.

Curmudgeonly and uncharitable is the way I don't doubt some internet strangers will read, but I am with you OP. Be civil, but I think you need to shut this down.

This thread is giving me the rage.

How exactly does he think you’re going to sit and have a nice chat when she can say hello and not much else?

I agree with those who’ve said that his attempt at helping his wife has extended to his front door and no further. Very unfair to put it on you OP. But of course, you are a woman. Must be your job to look after this wife then! Ridiculous.

Your idea of having them both over is perfect. Suggest to him that he searches for local Spanish speakers or groups to learn English. This is his responsibility.

What I’d do is have some tea with her and take 15 minutes out of my busy life to resource any baby classes/groups about to open up with easing of restrictions.

While you have tea, tell her you won’t be coming much and share how busy you are. Also let the husband know this. Voilá

@johnd2

This thread is very illuminating for those who wonder why women do umpteen times as much unpaid work "wife work" then men. Given the number of presumably female members obliging the op to get involved even though she has stated she doesn't want to, this is a very stark sexist against women thread. To the op, if you don't want to then that's ok and your choice, clearly you don't feel comfortable expressing that due to societal expectations, but just decline as politely as you like every time, but i don't have any further advice. With apologies to the posters who have been on the side of the ops own needs and feelings.

Exactly this. ^

I am gobsmacked at the amount of handmaids on here who see it as the WOMAN'S duty to go and befriend this man's wife. And if she doesn't, she is MEAN, and SELFISH.

You are just one of the wimminz... BE KIND. BEEEEEEEE KIND!

The disgusting sexism against women on this thread (from some posters who are women themselves!) is sickening to see. They sure have been brainwashed by the patriarchy. We should pity them really...

@Perlea

He's honed in on your because you're a woman and he wouldn't feel threatened with you making a friendship with her. He's probably controlling tbh, a lot of men who are go for foreign women as they think they're more likely to do what they're told. This is why he fully expects you to comply when he asks you to go around.

100% this.^

And why hasn't he been helping her learn English beyond the very basics? She would have benefited from that alone if they started when he learned/their relationship started.

I would be tempted to ask things like this when you have them both round for coffee.

We can all come up with excuses not to be kind, and there's 9 pages worth on here now to pick from.

There are pro's and cons to being kind, and if the cons outweigh the pro's for you then don't be. It's allowed.

So then why are you so concerned that having one cup of tea with her will result in "more"?

Because I have a full and busy life as it is. I don't particularly want to add to it. However, as I've said several times now, I will invite them over for tea and cake.

And also because I'm concerned that the husband's solution to his wife having no friends is me. He's not invited my husband for tea. He's not interested in being neighbourly and friendly with both me and my husband - he just wants me to solve the problem of his lonely wife.

If a friendship happened organically then fine. But I don't want to feel pressured into a forced friendship and then the husband thinks his problem is solved and it's then on me. That's not fair on me or his wife, who, as it's been so kindly pointed out on this thread, may not even like me anyway.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

No: putting obligation and pressure on a stranger for someone else's happiness is not acceptable. OP is essentially a stranger. She has an entirely different lifestyle from her new neighbour and has nothing in common with her. I'd have taken her a plant or a bunch of flowers saying 'welcome to the neighbourhood', and say 'hello there, lovely weather today!' when we met, and that is as far as I'd go.

OP - your gut is telling you something's off for a reason. When a person is this needy at a stranger stage - albeit by proxy - it's unlikely to end well. Real friendship happens organically, and should never be forced especially when one party for whatever reason isn't comfortable with the pushing. I've no idea why some posters think this is tantamount to ignoring her. But I do know that I'm fucking well sick of this saccharine message to 'BE KIND' that's constantly (and almost exclusively) thrust at women. It's not our responsibility to be service humans for everyone else. Not least this sickly soundbite was coined by a domestic abuser: make of that what you will.

Curmudgeonly and uncharitable is the way I don't doubt some internet strangers will read, but I am with you OP. Be civil, but I think you need to shut this down.

Brilliantly put. I could have written this myself. 100% agree.

Jeez a cup of tea and a friendly chat! Is that such a big ask.Can't believe how many people on here are able to justify not showing a little kindness. Nobody has asked the op to be her best friend or to become her carer. Some posters have made a massive leap to him making the op responsible for his wife's happiness. FFS, if you just don't have it in you to show a little compassion then bloody own it. And hopefully you never need anything from anyone else.

I don't think you're being weird about this at all. I wouldn't want a friendship forced on me either. I say hi to my neighbours but I wouldn't want to socialise with them. I have my own friends and a huge family.

I admit that I haven’t RTFT. But I have also been a super lonely expat mum. Provision differs by country and baby groups aren’t that common in places where grandparents are always around to support the new mum. So suggesting mum groups and the library might be some ideas that they would not think of independently- not to do with you being a woman but just knowing how the U.K. works. I agree you have no obligation to help but I clutched onto each and any suggestion and was pathetically grateful. As well as desperate not to impose on anyone. It was truly horrible and lonely. I agree you have no obligation but you have a chance to make a huge difference over one 20 minute coffee. And yes, my husband didn’t really understand as he was out at work and his life was very similar.

@Brazilianut

What I’d do is have some tea with her and take 15 minutes out of my busy life to resource any baby classes/groups about to open up with easing of restrictions.

While you have tea, tell her you won’t be coming much and share how busy you are. Also let the husband know this. Voilá

She won’t understand any of this. She can’t speak English.

I like the idea of taking a plant or flowers round. I'll do that and at the same time I'll make the offer of tea and cake to them both with me and my husband in my garden.

I am gobsmacked at the amount of handmaids on here who see it as the WOMAN'S duty to go and befriend this man's wife. And if she doesn't, she is MEAN, and SELFISH.

We are starting in many walks of life to see the pushback when women dare to have boundaries. When we say 'no', or MNs favourite (but valuable) old chestnut, 'that doesn't work for me'.

It's heartbreaking to witness. The terrible stories emerging about the constant harassment (and worse) of girls in our schools. The way it's normalised as something we should just put up with, and only now it's beginning to be talked about, the sheer scale and insidiousness of the problem. The cancellation and de-platforming of women who stand up for other women and assert boundaries which don't happen to put men at the front and centre. The prevalence of serious sexual assault with a woefully low conviction rate.

I saw the clip of the GMTV interview with Patsy Palmer when it went viral on Twitter. This woman calmly and politely (whilst obviously upset) asserted the boundary that she wasn't comfortable being labelled an 'addict', didn't want to continue with the interview, and closed her laptop. The pushback in the media and on SM was horrendous. She was every spoiled diva and mouthy brat into the bargain. And for what? Asserting a simple boundary.

Women have trouble ahead of us with these attitudes becoming so pervasive. And unfortunately among the loudest and most persistent voices for us to smile and be kind, will come from other women. (Think Mary Humphrey Ward, Julia Stephen, and the virulent anti-suffrage campaign. Women - wanting to deny themselves and other women the right to a vote. Do not compute).

And BTW, just how the hell have we managed to go so far backwards over the past decade?

How dare he presume to direct how you spend your free time.

I'd be increasingly cool and short with him.

@AlTempleton

The problem is I don't actually know about local things for parents because I don't have children of my own. My world is dogs, my job, running group, hiking, etc - so I've got nothing I can practically help her with I'd have to do research in order to give them this type of information, but then I kind-of think, well he could do that research and I'm really busy etc.

I don't mind having a cup of tea with her, but my concern would be that then escalating - do it once and then it becomes an expectation that it happens again.

Once they get a toe in the door you are doomed. Nip it in the bud.

All of those here saying "be kind" -- It's not "unkind" to prioritize one's own schedule and responsibilities.

@Sprining

So many sound patronising...I wonder if they have lived abroad? May be living in different countries makes you realise that often you are the foreigner who doesn’t speak the language. And one tends to remember the kindness of perfect strangers who spontaneously reached out.

OP, honestly, if you are so grudging about it, don’t do it. She is probably better off on her own than feeling patronised by someone who has no interest in meeting a neighbour who is new and from a different culture.

Yes I've lived abroad, in several different countries. I've not always learned enough of the language to get by before I've moved but still I would find it utterly galling if my then husband had told a neighbour to be friendly with me. This was also pre internet, so much harder to find a group to join. Now with Google its really not difficult to find some group or event to take his wife to if he really was bothered. Hes simply not bothered or he would do a simple search or ask others in his culture for help finding stuff.

FWIW I live on a lovely street, we are all really nice to each other, but i and they still dont go round each others for coffee. This is the best street I've ever lived on by miles.

@Maunderingdrunkenly

Yeah OP could go round ‘armed with information’ but presumably her husband could do all this? It takes a google or a wander past the community centre noticeboard? It would be different if the op had kids and knew off hand about baby groups etc but as she’s childfree, she’ll have to do research that he could easily do?? Why is it Ops problem? He’s found a woman to do the hard work for him more like

Exactly!!!

It's not the OP's problem to solve, period. That couple are adults who made their own lifestyle choices.