New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

Strewth - it’s a lonely woman who would welcome a cup of tea with a neighbour.

Is sparing five minutes for someone now considered weakness ? I hope I am teaching my dd to be friendly and kind. Not a pushover, but certainly not aggressively unpleasant to everyone as a default position.

how much of a chat are you supposed to have if the woman doesn't have good English? It would be very awkward.

We used to tease my late DM for the strange friendships she struck up, living abroad as a trailing spouse with a baby (me). With a Japanese lady, no language in common but they 'chatted' for hours over afternoon tea or coffee.

Now as an adult extrovert, it makes me a bit tearful to think how desperate she must have been for company and how brave to even attempt it. She was happy to give anyone a hand up, in gratitude for everyone who had helped her.

I appreciate that it is not OP's problem.

My reading of the situation is different to those above. I'd guess that the husband is doing what my mother learned to do - ask everyone you meet, hoping that some will respond. It is likely that people at work are in OP's position of not having direct contacts. It's also possible that he just isn't used to playgroups being organised outside the home.

It's about knowing what you don't know.

In our village, especially in the pandemic, there has been an effort to reach out to help anyone who needs it. If you could put them in touch with any local initiatives, it would be a kindness.

I'd go armed with some contact details written down and then talk through them.

Leaving the written contact details covers the possibility that the neighbour might smile and nod and appear to be drinking in what you are saying while in fact having no blessed idea.

It's like unravelling a tangle of wool. You just need a start to pull on the right thread and the rest will follow.

Anyone who has ever been in the position of having to find friends would, I think, want to help in a small way. Anyone who has not can be excused for not understanding just how difficult it can be.

You just need to find the first contacts and they will lead on to others.

invite as a four

This is a great idea. If you could give them few contact details it would really be a help.

Imagine if it were your daughter, a stranger in a strange land.

[if you are anywhere in the SL/TW postcodes you are welcome to DM me and I'd be happy to help them]

@nicslackey

Jeez a cup of tea and a friendly chat! Is that such a big ask.Can't believe how many people on here are able to justify not showing a little kindness. Nobody has asked the op to be her best friend or to become her carer. Some posters have made a massive leap to him making the op responsible for his wife's happiness. FFS, if you just don't have it in you to show a little compassion then bloody own it. And hopefully you never need anything from anyone else.

YAWN.......

Passive-aggressive, manipulative bullshit at its finest!

No-one OWES anyone anything. So just jog on with your emotional blackmail. Doesn't work with me.

But I do know that I'm fucking well sick of this saccharine message to 'BE KIND' that's constantly (and almost exclusively) thrust at women. It's not our responsibility to be service humans for everyone else. Not least this sickly soundbite was coined by a domestic abuser: make of that what you will.

I agree.

OP, when you do have them round for that cuppa then the most I'd suggest is mentioning that the health visitor and Homestart would have useful info on baby groups, etc, and if you have those contact details available, that would be handy.

If they're new to the area as a whole, the baby may not be on the HV's list, and if the wife is genuinely struggling, the HV would be useful for them to know.

But I wouldn't suggest anything else. If a friendship happens, it needs to happen naturally, not because the husband has decided you are his solution.

@IrmaFayLear

Strewth - it’s a lonely woman who would welcome a cup of tea with a neighbour.

Is sparing five minutes for someone now considered weakness ? I hope I am teaching my dd to be friendly and kind. Not a pushover, but certainly not aggressively unpleasant to everyone as a default position.

Oh yeah, make sure your DAUGHTER is friendly and KIND. The wimminz MUST BE KIND

Bet you don't to the same to any sons you have. (And if you DON'T have any, you still wouldn't.)

My friend volunteers to befriend lonely people with babies. I think it's via Surestart or something. Maybe you could suggest it? She meets with a woman and her baby once a week for a chat and they for a walk or to the park. She helps the woman by starting conversations with other park regulars. This ndn needs someone like that I'd say.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I am gobsmacked at the amount of handmaids on here who see it as the WOMAN'S duty to go and befriend this man's wife. And if she doesn't, she is MEAN, and SELFISH.

We are starting in many walks of life to see the pushback when women dare to have boundaries. When we say 'no', or MNs favourite (but valuable) old chestnut, 'that doesn't work for me'.

It's heartbreaking to witness. The terrible stories emerging about the constant harassment (and worse) of girls in our schools. The way it's normalised as something we should just put up with, and only now it's beginning to be talked about, the sheer scale and insidiousness of the problem. The cancellation and de-platforming of women who stand up for other women and assert boundaries which don't happen to put men at the front and centre. The prevalence of serious sexual assault with a woefully low conviction rate.

I saw the clip of the GMTV interview with Patsy Palmer when it went viral on Twitter. This woman calmly and politely (whilst obviously upset) asserted the boundary that she wasn't comfortable being labelled an 'addict', didn't want to continue with the interview, and closed her laptop. The pushback in the media and on SM was horrendous. She was every spoiled diva and mouthy brat into the bargain. And for what? Asserting a simple boundary.

Women have trouble ahead of us with these attitudes becoming so pervasive. And unfortunately among the loudest and most persistent voices for us to smile and be kind, will come from other women. (Think Mary Humphrey Ward, Julia Stephen, and the virulent anti-suffrage campaign. Women - wanting to deny themselves and other women the right to a vote. Do not compute).

And BTW, just how the hell have we managed to go so far backwards over the past decade?

This. ^ 100%.

I would keep out of it, let her husband take her out and research the baby groups and language classes.

@Ideasplease322

I agree this is not your problem to solve.

He is being lazy - just because you are female you have to be her friend? A woman would never accost a male neighbour and tell him he has to be friends with her husband!

He needs to look into what is available in the area - not put the burden of his wife’s isolation on to you. There are probably much better options that would be a huge help to her as a new parent and as a non English speaker. I really do feel for her, it must be really difficult.

I would worry about even going once - will he then pester and pester for more and more?

Of course be polite, smile and chat if you see her out and about but you don’t have to be her friend.

Yes, all this.

Would he have accosted a man in the neighborhood to be her friend. Why is it on OP as a busy woman to ameliorate their problems?

Be kind is all fine and cool on Twitter only.
Having a cup of tea or sharing food with your neighbours every now and then is hardly you being kind OP.

@Alonelonelyloner

It's not hard to have a cup of tea once with your lonely neighbour.

Google Homestart for your area and maybe contact them on her behalf. I used to volunteer for them and visited lots of people who were new to the area (and were foreign).
I also speak as someone who is now in a similar situation myself. It's very hard as a foreigner and just not 'knowing' how to do things in a new place.
Sure, I agree with the above that the husband needs to do more, but he is clearly not very good at it so I wouldn't leave a fellow human to deal with stuff alone just because someone else should be sorting it. That's just unkind.

She's in England, not outer space. I'm sure the newcomer can find her own activities unless she's a total halfwit.

You can be neighbourly with the woman without having to commit to full time friendship.

A smile and a short chat over the garden fence from you every few days is no effort on your part, but could make the world of difference to her.

Go and have tea once, cos it’s nice, and (if you can spare 30 mins beforehand) gather info on possible sources for language courses baby groups etc - that’s what she needs to do - or if you don’t have time to gather just do a quick list

@littlepattilou
What a not-so-nice post!
No one owes anyone anything but having a cup of tea with a new neighbour is hardly anything more than common decency.
We often share food with our neighbours and it has helped me make some great relationships where we helped out each other in some tough situations.
Whatever happened to kindness!

Umm Covid restrictions ?

@partyatthepalace

Go and have tea once, cos it’s nice, and (if you can spare 30 mins beforehand) gather info on possible sources for language courses baby groups etc - that’s what she needs to do - or if you don’t have time to gather just do a quick list

It’s amazing, isn’t it? Some days, 30 min is the time people spend simply browsing Netflix and YouTube.

Some posters have made a massive leap to him making the op responsible for his wife's happiness.

For 'massive leap' read 'logical deduction'. His wife is lonely: there are all manner of things he, as her husband, could do to help her. Instead he goes for the nearest and easiest option, the one right on this doorstep (the OP). She makes it clear in the politest way possible that she's not interested. What does he do? Does he take 'no' for an answer? No, of course he doesn't. He's seen an easy solution so he continues pushing, regardless of the earlier 'no' and to hell with whether or not it makes her uncomfortable.

Male privilege in action. They really don't like it when women say 'no'. Of course this is shunting responsibility for his wife's wellbeing onto OP - with a nice bit of emotional blackmail thrown in: 'because she's lonely'. What else would you call it?

FFS, if you just don't have it in you to show a little compassion then bloody own it.

Fine. In these circumstances - were I the OP - I bloody well own it. Unrepentantly so.

No. The word is 'no'.

OP, totally get where you’re coming from given your situation and interests. Don’t feel pressured to befriend them but I’d look into local baby groups and pass those details on. That doesn’t take long to do. Probably quicker than the time you’re spending on this thread having (unnecessarily) to defend yourself!

I think people are conflating two issues:

Being welcoming and voluntarily having a chat and a cuppa with a neighbour is a good thing

Being repeatedly asked to do so, especially when it's a man asking a woman to do it is objectionable.

You don't ask for an invite you wait to be invited that's basic manners
And as a man you should not try to make arrangements for your spouse with another woman just because she is the same sex and lives nearby. If you want your wife to have more friends invite the neighbours to your own house and see if they get on.

@littlepattilou - What is wrong with being “friendly and kind”? Are those bad traits? You clearly seem to think so and believe that unpleasantness is a virtue. Well, you’re wrong. Life is simply better if both men and women behave decently and are not aggressive and angry.

Hurling personal insults and shouting just shows you up to be a very silly and shrill person, not the brave feminist you are desperately trying to make yourself out to be.

@IrmaFayLear

Strewth - it’s a lonely woman who would welcome a cup of tea with a neighbour.

Is sparing five minutes for someone now considered weakness ? I hope I am teaching my dd to be friendly and kind. Not a pushover, but certainly not aggressively unpleasant to everyone as a default position.

Quietly going about one's own life and expecting privacy is not "aggressive."

I had this once, the dad of one of DS's friends had my number from a play date the kids had, and used it to tell me I should be friends with his wife. Then he kept bumping into me when out and about telling me she had nothing going on in her life (they were quite privileged whereas I'm not and it felt like he was used to getting his own way). It started to make me feel uncomfortable and I don't do as men tell me so I blocked his number and he got the message.

No-one OWES anyone anything. So just jog on with your emotional blackmail. Doesn't work with me

Why do you not surprise me? lol. As for the pp describing the husband as pushing. Now to me asking twice is exactly what I describe as a leap.Why doesn't the husband do anything? FFs, he did he approached the op, as one possible thing and you are suddenly expert on everything else he may have done. I am off now as I really can't stomach the I'm all right , fuck anyone else and frankly hysterical feminist agenda. It is to do with showing a little compassion to a stranger irrespective of sex or gender.

Oh dear god - now not wanting to have an awkward coffee with a neighbour who you can’t communicate with is being aggressively unpleasant.

Men are so lucky - they wouldn’t give this a second thought.

Lol. That's nice that he's looking out for his wife & all.....but that's actually not your responsibility. I'm amazed he approached you twice for it. What are you?? Children?? I'm having the feeling here that he sees women are beings which he has automatic authority over. He might infantalises his wife and so naturally he thinks of you as someone he has a natural authority over, simply by being male.

If you think that's right, I would be tempted to say 'Look, it's nice that you're looking our for your wife, but I'm starting to feel like you're trying to micro-manage our interactions. Has it occurred to that in itself might be putting women off from making friends with her? Your wife is an adult, so treat her like one. She's not mine, nor any other woman's automatic responsibility'.

That probably won't go down very well though!!