New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

It's like you've written her off because she's a SAHP while you work FT and have hobbies but no DC

You may find this shocking but I have friends who are parents! Honestly, it's true! I have this magical ability to be able to have relationships with people whose lives don't exactly mirror mine! Weird huh?!

Fuck me @ the sexist post. A band of angry men-haters ready to jump on anything with a penis at any point labelling it 'sexist'. Getting bloody ridiculous now anything can be labelled as sexist. My thoughts would simply be, he has a shy wife, he's trying to help her, and approached a neighbour to see if they'd help. Nothing sexist about it. And of course he's approaching a female neighbour, because he's spotted her out and about, and presumably, feels his wife may be more comfortable with female company, particularly IF she is a bit shy.

Tea & cake sounds a lovely idea OP. You may just like her, and find she has other interests besides baby. You may not.

If he tries to push after this though, I'd be somewhat more direct and just say 'friendships can't be forced, they are a two way street, and they have to be allowed to naturally happen, or not, as the case may be'.

I think he cares a lot about his wife. But clearly she's not going to do any of the approaching herself - which leads me to think it wouldn't be a sustainable friendship anyway. But she may well surprise us.

If it was me I would get a list together for her of groups to contact and say unfort I don't have time but these groups might be able to help her. 20mins of my time might change her life.

Not meaning to judge but this is why there are community groups etc it's too much to give for many people.

@LoveDrunk

well his 'desperate' search for help appears to extend no further than making her his (female) neighbour's responsibility.

Exactly. He’s so ‘desperate’ that his search ended a few metres from his house. 🤣 What a wonderful man he is ‘desperately trying to help her.’🙄

This. ^ Typical misogynistic male ... Push all the responsibility on the iccle wimminz.

@Sprining

This thread is weird.

I bet people would have no problem with neighbours accepting their parcels if they were out...

But what if everyone said, oh no. I won’t do that. Give an inch and they will take a mile. If I accept one parcel they will expect me to be home all day accepting parcels. So I’ll just refuse from the start.

You know, it is just an excuse to be unfriendly and unkind. Surely as an adult you can draw the line if and when you need to? I imagine that she may not have much in common with you either, t it might just help her take the first step to start mixing with others

it is just an excuse to be unfriendly and unkind.

Oh do bore off.. You sound like the kind of neighbour I would be putting my house up for sale for. Entitled and needy, and demanding to know 'why won't you be my FRIEND?!'

Also, nice try, but NO, I would NOT actually expect neighbours to take my packages in. And I don't take theirs in. I don't want to be responsible for anyone else's goods, and have no intention of having their packages lying around my house for days on end.

It's perfectly easy to designate a safe space for your packages to go. It's rude, obnoxious, and presumptuous to expect your neighbours to take in YOUR packages. They're not your bloody handmaids you know.

If it was me I would get a list together for her of groups to contact and say unfort I don't have time but these groups might be able to help her. 20mins of my time might change her life.

Or perhaps her husband could do this? Crazy suggestion I know.🙄

And before anyone says 'you sound like a grumpy miserable fucker littlepattitlou,' well so what? I am entitled to say NO to whatever I want to, (as is the OP,) without some snarky hand wringing 'BE KIND' bullshit being thrown my way..

I have had a bellyful of passive aggressive 'BE KIND' bullshit all my life, and being taken for a mug, and being used as a doormat by people who can't be arsed to sort their own shit. So bite me. Yep, that's what I said.

@jessstan2

AlTempleton: Anyway, I think the best approach would be to invite both her and her husband round to my garden for tea and cake with me and my husband at a weekend. I can't actually visit her during the week when her husband is working anyway because I also work full time. This way, we've done the friendly neighbourly thing by socialising with them both and they'll know they can always count on us should they both need something in future. ........ That sounds like a very good idea. Where does the woman come from? Just interested.

Thank you, I think it's a good idea too.

They're Spanish. From what he's told me, his job required him to travel and so he speaks English really well. His wife just knows the basic greetings and please and thank you.

Just to add, seeing as there's been posts about why her husband isn't helping her - that's precisely what he's trying to do.

It's clear he recognises it's never healthy for your only social life to be your partner. Yet he's been vilified for it as 'why isn't he doing x y or z with her'. I'm sure he is, along with providing for his family it seems.

Perhaps his wife needs to help herself also, but some personalities are very much not like that, and do need some help.

I've had a friend of my partners introduce his partner. He very much wanted us to be friends because his partner was constantly moaning about her 'toxic social circle' and he thought I'd be a more positive friendship influence on her. We got on very well at first. Unfortunately it wasn't all that long before she tried to pull the toxic shit on me, and it became clear the reason she had a toxic social circle was because of her. After that of course it fizzled out. No pushing. I got on far better with her partner than I did her, had she been a bit nicer herself things may have been different. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but I don't get the man hating here for trying to help your partner.

@Ariela

Then do a bit of research before hand. It won't kill you.

Have a think about people you know locally, with babies. Even if it is only 'the lady with the red car at No 43' . Take 5 mins on your next dog walk or before your run to knock on her door and say 'Hope you don't mind, but I'm AI from No 9 and I see you've a baby, my new neighbour that's just moved in at No 11 has not long had a baby and knows nobody here nor what is going on baby--wise , and nor do I seeing I've no baby.

I wondered if you could please spare a few moments to jot down a few baby FB groups and local groups and things for babies that go on or people to get in touch with. Here's my email, thank you SO much'

Then once you have that, print it out, and anything else you can find by a quick ask on a local FB page and go visit for tea when you can, explain your life your dog your no time to be social but be pleasant and hand over the lists of stuff for her to contact.

WHY? Why the hell should the OP do this? Saying it won't KILL her to do it for the neighbour's wife. It wouldn't kill HIM to do it for his OWN WIFE!

Why is it the OP's responsibility?

I would pop round for a cuppa. Yes I don't have to but I would. I've moved around a lot and it makes such a difference to meet a few friendly faces. Some encounters led into friendships, others didn't but were much appreciated at the time.

As for those lambasting the husband for not doing more - how do you know he isn't? He may already have a list of groups/classes etc but at the moment his wife is desperately isolated and there is nothing open.

I must admit in her shoes though I'd be terrified of braving the local parent and baby groups. I found most of them very unwelcoming to new members when my own children were young and tbh I had little in common with most of the women there anyway. Add a degree of shyness and the language barrier and these groups may well not be the solution.

How multicultural is your area? Are there other people around who speak the same language?

In fact, to prove that it is not sexist, why not pass on the request to any single men who live on your street? I bet there are any number of old blokes who would love to pop around to have tea with the Spanish lady at number 24. And they could find out some groups for her etc.

@LadyPoison

As for those lambasting the husband for not doing more - how do you know he isn't?

Yeah, he isn't. Too busy with his own life.

@growinggreyer

In fact, to prove that it is not sexist, why not pass on the request to any single men who live on your street? I bet there are any number of old blokes who would love to pop around to have tea with the Spanish lady at number 24. And they could find out some groups for her etc.

Yeah, see what her husband thinks about THIS!

He can go and find her leaflets / print of info(lol at this being OPs responsibility) or go round the local community buildings and playgroups when stuff reopens.

It wouldn't end with 'just' one cup of tea though would it - in terms of husband's expectations?There would be an expectation or a hope of a continuation and OP doesn't want to and that's not unkind. She doesn't want to. Is it 'kind' for her to go as a one off and potentially make this woman think 'what have I done wrong?' when she doesn't do it again?

It's not her responsibility. This woman would be better off meeting with other mums who WANT to meet.

All people saying they would meet up with other mums etc, yeah well, were they your next door neighbour though - where you have the constant daily hassle of in the back of your mind dreading the next exchange/assault of demands when you step out the door or trying to avoid them when otherwise you would be happy to be friendly.

Honestly being a woman is quite exhausting having to be ' kind' to varying degrees of ridiculousness at every situation.

[quote littlepattilou]@LadyPoison

As for those lambasting the husband for not doing more - how do you know he isn't?

Yeah, he isn't. Too busy with his own life.[/quote]
And you know that how? How do you know what he does when he is at home?

You don't. But it suits your narrative.

This thread is very illuminating for those who wonder why women do umpteen times as much unpaid work "wife work" then men.
Given the number of presumably female members obliging the op to get involved even though she has stated she doesn't want to, this is a very stark sexist against women thread.
To the op, if you don't want to then that's ok and your choice, clearly you don't feel comfortable expressing that due to societal expectations, but just decline as politely as you like every time, but i don't have any further advice.
With apologies to the posters who have been on the side of the ops own needs and feelings.

@AlTempleton

It's like you've written her off because she's a SAHP while you work FT and have hobbies but no DC

You may find this shocking but I have friends who are parents! Honestly, it's true! I have this magical ability to be able to have relationships with people whose lives don't exactly mirror mine! Weird huh?!

So then why are you so concerned that having one cup of tea with her will result in "more"?

You don't know how it could turn out unless you give it a whirl; it is a little bit mean to decide without even giving her a chance that you don't want to be her friend.

FWIW I think inviting them both round to have tea with you and your DH is a good idea

Have a think about people you know locally, with babies. Even if it is only 'the lady with the red car at No 43' . Take 5 mins on your next dog walk or before your run to knock on her door and say 'Hope you don't mind, but I'm AI from No 9 and I see you've a baby, my new neighbour that's just moved in at No 11 has not long had a baby and knows nobody here nor what is going on baby--wise , and nor do I seeing I've no baby. I wondered if you could please spare a few moments to jot down a few baby FB groups and local groups and things for babies that go on or people to get in touch with. Here's my email, thank you SO much

This is completely mental advice. Bang on the doors of total strangers who happen to have babies, and demand they email you a list of local baby groups? You have lost your mind

I bet you're a lovely neighbour littlepattilou

In this situation be kind

@SooziQue

The woman sounds depressed, her husband is clearly desperately trying to help her. Next step: she commits suicide and we all post a nice meme about "always be kind we don't know what other people are going through". Except we do, we just don't care.

Don't be ridiculous!

AlTempleton: They're Spanish. From what he's told me, his job required him to travel and so he speaks English really well. His wife just knows the basic greetings and please and thank you.
......
She will learn bit by bit, it always amazes me how quickly people do pick up the language. Presumably she goes to shops, to the doctors sometimes with baby, etc.

The woman is not your responsibility and you have a busy life but I think it is really nice of you that you are going to invite the couple round. Maybe others will do the same. Every little helps.

@ittakes2

If it was me I would get a list together for her of groups to contact and say unfort I don't have time but these groups might be able to help her. 20mins of my time might change her life.

Do you really not think her husband could do that?!