New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

well his 'desperate' search for help appears to extend no further than making her his (female) neighbour's responsibility.

Exactly. He’s so ‘desperate’ that his search ended a few metres from his house. 🤣 What a wonderful man he is ‘desperately trying to help her.’🙄

Usually getting friendly with neighbours happens naturally I think the fact the husband has asked has put pressure on the op

God, what a world we live in. Spend half an hour with her and signpost her to a few groups. Say you are happy to be casual friends but that you are a busy person.

She will comprehend and there is always Google translate.

Id feel exactly the same as you, your idea of the 4 of you getting together is a good one!
Ask some friends with children of similar ages to hers for tips for good places to meet people, you can casually bring them up when you do meet up.
Don’t feel guilty!

@AlTempleton

The problem is I don't actually know about local things for parents because I don't have children of my own. My world is dogs, my job, running group, hiking, etc - so I've got nothing I can practically help her with I'd have to do research in order to give them this type of information, but then I kind-of think, well he could do that research and I'm really busy etc.

I don't mind having a cup of tea with her, but my concern would be that then escalating - do it once and then it becomes an expectation that it happens again.

Then do a bit of research before hand. It won't kill you. Have a think about people you know locally, with babies. Even if it is only 'the lady with the red car at No 43' . Take 5 mins on your next dog walk or before your run to knock on her door and say 'Hope you don't mind, but I'm AI from No 9 and I see you've a baby, my new neighbour that's just moved in at No 11 has not long had a baby and knows nobody here nor what is going on baby--wise , and nor do I seeing I've no baby. I wondered if you could please spare a few moments to jot down a few baby FB groups and local groups and things for babies that go on or people to get in touch with. Here's my email, thank you SO much'

Then once you have that, print it out, and anything else you can find by a quick ask on a local FB page and go visit for tea when you can, explain your life your dog your no time to be social but be pleasant and hand over the lists of stuff for her to contact.

Job done.

Amount of inconvenience? 2 hours maximum. But worth it in case you need to borrow her WiFi when yours goes down/go sit round her house the day you loose your keys etc. And chances are No 43 will say here's my mumber get No 11 to give me a call.

Interestingly the husband has shown no interest in the OPs situation. What if the OP was depressed or struggling with her own issues? He's just tried to emotionally dump his wife's needs on the OP with a big dollop of emotional blackmail. He hasn't even bothered to find out anything about the OP just assumed.

I have a family member who would get herself into an awful state if someone tried to make her feel guilty or hassled her about spending time with someone she didn't know.

At least make the effort to get to know someone first before asking for a favour.

Doesn't Be kind go both ways?

We get on really well with all our neighbours and have coffee in the garden but it's happened organically, not under orders. I would be concerned what he will give instructions for next.

There's a world of difference between spontaneously chatting with a new neighbour and being ordered to do so!

We once had to rescue a Romanian granny who had accidentally locked herself out of her son's house a few doors down with their toddler. We gave coffee, managed to communicate with some mime and the few words of English she knew, contacted the son at work and managed to get her back in the house. The son and his wife were very grateful and brought us round a bottle of vodka later in the week. We did not become friends but chat in the street from time to time.

It's good to help out but it shouldn't be forced.

Don't do it if you don't want to, it'll be pretty obvious that you're there under duress unless you're a good actor. As @Sprining says she's better of on her own than with a 'pressed man'.

As for the husband perhaps as his wife doesn't speak english very well she's asked if he'd ask next door if she would like a chat.

Just tell him the truth - you can’t be arsed to spare an hour of your life to make small talk with your lonely neighbour. He’ll soon get the picture you’re not the kind of person to make friends with.

Wow I find it really sad that people wouldn't welcome a new neighbour, especially one from a foreign country who struggles with the language. Are you all from London/ South East? Where I live we would do this anyway regardless of the fact she has a new baby and is from abroad. You might be glad of it one day when you have an emergency and you need your neighbours' help.

I had this and it was bloody awkward all round - I actually posted on here about it. My neighbour wanted me to take responsibility for his wife's loneliness as he worked away a lot and it was too much. It sounds awful but when I'm at home I am at home I don't want to be popping in and out of someones house and having that kind of relationship on my doorstep! I also had a full social
Life and whilst I was happy to be friendly I didn't want more than that!

Actually I think inviting them both round for a coffee is a nice thing to do and a good idea.

If he mentions you doing it alone, just say something like I’d love to but I’m so busy so can’t make any commitments, and leave it there

I can see both sides, it’s sad for her, but I also hate the expectation that as you’re female you need to step in and be her mate, that your time is available and anything else you wish to do is irrelevant.

I’d hate this. I’ve lived on the same street for 14 years and am on smiling/brief chat about the weather terms while walking down the drive. And that suits me perfectly. I’m sure they are all perfectly lovely but I have no wish to have tea or become friends with any of them. That’s my prerogative and I would feel very awkward in this situation.

I find this thread so incredibly sad!

The poor woman clearly has few friends and is finding it difficult making any with a) English not being her first language and b) everything being closed!

I don't mind having a cup of tea with her, but my concern would be that then escalating - do it once and then it becomes an expectation that it happens again.

and so what if it does? You might find you actually get along famously!! I can't understand why you're so reluctant to even give her a chance?

It's like you've written her off because she's a SAHP while you work FT and have hobbies but no DC.

@Chloemol

Oh bore off. Why don't YOU go and talk to the neighbour then.

OP, don't do anything you don't want to do!

@Shrivelled

Just tell him the truth - you can’t be arsed to spare an hour of your life to make small talk with your lonely neighbour. He’ll soon get the picture you’re not the kind of person to make friends with.

Oh so she should bend over and do what the new MALE neighbour says, like a good iccle girl, like a KIND iccle girl, like a NICE iccle girl?!

Yes, the iccle girlie who has her own life, job, family, and friends, should make friends with the new neighbour's wife, and take her under her wing, and be her bezzie friend, because her husband is too lazy and entitled and misogynistic to be arsed to help her himself.

He is far too busy with his big important job, and his big important life to bother helping his OWN WIFE! So he delegates it to the FEMALE neighbour, because wimmin MUST BE KIND!

It can be very lovely to be in the house all day with kids. Sometimes there are no local mother and toddler/ baby groups to join and if she goes there how will she make friends if she doesn’t speak the language? Equally, how will you two be friends if you don’t speak the language. Prior to Covid many libraries run English classes for speakers of other languages. I would have suggested signposting her to these as they tend to be a very nice mixed group who are in a similar situation and looking to make friends and are free. This may be something to suggest as lockdown restrictions are lifted. Also libraries tend to have links to othe communities groups she may like to join. They may like to ask their Health Visitor about mother and toddler groups. Maybe go over and get them to check these out on their phones and screenshot and save so they have the information to hand. It is tricky though as she sounds lonely but with the language barrier communication will be a strain for the two of you 💐

Perhaps he needs to pay for some English lessons for his wife. I'd also be worried that if I went for tea once there'd never be an end to it.

@Shrivelled

Just tell him the truth - you can’t be arsed to spare an hour of your life to make small talk with your lonely neighbour. He’ll soon get the picture you’re not the kind of person to make friends with.

Oh FFS. This is getting tedious now. Do those of you continuing the pile-on not bother to read my updates? They're even helpfully highlighted in green so you can find them easily

I have already said - about 2 pages ago - that I am going to invite the neighbours round for tea and cake.

I read the answers on this thread, took them on board and I changed my approach. Why is that not enough for you lot? What else do you want me to do, exactly?

I work full time, I have hobbies, friends, dogs and a husband, I volunteer. I'm busy, but I took what you said on board and will invite them round. But knock yourselves out with your "kind" posts

if that was me, id be put off by the fact the neighbour was trying to arrange it.
If the woman approached me and was chatty and interesting and friendly, then thats what would make me want to be friends.
A womans husband trying to matchmake two women that he doesnt even know if they have anything in common except being women - thats kind of weird.

@katy1213

Perhaps he needs to pay for some English lessons for his wife. I'd also be worried that if I went for tea once there'd never be an end to it.

I doubt that will happen as the op is at work a lot of the time. I agree about the English lessons but she may be working on that online anyway. Presumably husband speaks her language.

littlepattilou:

Oh so she should bend over and do what the new MALE neighbour says, like a good iccle girl, like a KIND iccle girl, like a NICE iccle girl?!

Yes, the iccle girlie who has her own life, job, family, and friends, should make friends with the new neighbour's wife, and take her under her wing, and be her bezzie friend, because her husband is too lazy and entitled and misogynistic to be arsed to help her himself.

He is far too busy with his big important job, and his big important life to bother helping his OWN WIFE! So he delegates it to the FEMALE neighbour, because wimmin MUST BE KIND!
......
That's rather extreme!

I don't see the point of making friends with neighbours, chances are you won't have anything much in common. It always surprises me when people on MN say about their neighbours texting or phoning them, there's no way I'd be giving my neighbours my phone number - they have their life and I have mine.

People like to wear 'Be Kind' on t-shirts but when it causes annoyance, convenience or too much time it doesn't happen. I've heard work colleagues say how they understand people on the autistic spectrum but go on about the strangeness of a colleague with Aspergers.

AlTempleton:

Anyway, I think the best approach would be to invite both her and her husband round to my garden for tea and cake with me and my husband at a weekend. I can't actually visit her during the week when her husband is working anyway because I also work full time. This way, we've done the friendly neighbourly thing by socialising with them both and they'll know they can always count on us should they both need something in future.
........
That sounds like a very good idea. Where does the woman come from? Just interested.