New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

@Staffy1

Shame, poor woman. Would it really kill you to have tea with her once or twice a week?

Out of interest, do you work full time?

Women are seen as responsible caring duties external & internal to their home
It’s not random that a female was identified as being responsible for being kind,caring,saddled with a task.
The husband he can google and identify resources for his wife.some online activities and language practice

He sounds like a bully and presumably you are not a social worker - adults get to choose who they are friends with and neither she nor you are choosing this - do whatever you have to do to avoid being bossed into this - lie to him, avoid him etc etc etc

It was nice of you and your husband to take flowers, op. The man next door is pretty rude.

Isn't there a sex/consent education video about tea? Tea is the metaphor.
If people don't want to drink tea, then don't fucking make them drink tea...
Some horrible comments directed at the OP here, though its hilarious in parts, very amusing. Stick to your guns OP

@Therarestone

And remember one day this could be your child struggling but everyone else is too busy to help.

The OP has already said she can't have children, what the fuck is wrong with you? What is it with absolute arseholes who don't read the thread and chime in with their bullshit?! This one bleating be kind and they say something like this?! Get the fuck out of here.

@MrsDoubtfire2018

Oh I didn’t read the bit where she went round 😅

It's not funny, people who haven't read it all are twats.

Never thought World War 3 would be started by the Spanish.

@Onthedunes

Never thought World War 3 would be started by the Spanish.

No one expects the Spanish imposition...

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Excellent

The Spanish Imposition - brilliant.

Amoungst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to..... Bekind.

He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty neighbour...

Someone needs to NC to

TheSpanishImposition

@ThatOtherPoster

It’s a cup of tea. It won’t necessarily end with you wiping her bum when she’s 90.

. Sadly, this is exactly how some people's minds run, well on this site moreso than in real life, TG. There is a middle ground between being cold/standoffish/avoiding anything which contains the faintest notion that we might be anything other than collections of atoms happening to reside close to one another and being solely responsible for someone's wellbeing and happiness. You can be friendly and warm but have boundaries. I have a neighbour for whom I do quite a lot and who occasionally looks for more than I can or am prepared to give and I have no problem asserting myself. The solution to dealing with getting into scenarios which might end up demanding more from us than we would like is not necessarily to avoid them altogether but to manage them better.

She could always offer coffee to the postman, milkman etc.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

I can genuinely think of better things to do than tea with a lonely next door neighbour

Well yes, and i can think of better things to do than feed my neighbour's cats and pick up the rubbish on the streets outside my house. And when I had severe post natal depression, I am sure the lovely woman working in the local shop had better things to do than have a wee chat with me every day which made me feel seen and human. It would be a bleak world indeed if we only did those things which we enjoyed or were strictly for our own benefit.

@Bernardo1

She could always offer coffee to the postman, milkman etc.

Que the milkman sketch.

Yes, such a giveaway.
I find the bell never stops ringing, main road, and when it's a minibus!!!

[quote MadMadaMim]@ThePluckOfTheCoward
Wow. What a joy you are. Did you bother reading the post you've so aggressively commented on? Maybe do so before being so unnecessarily nasty and personal. And understanding the big words you use may also help.

I rarely comment on MN as there's invariably people like you who feel the need to give unsolicited personal horrible comments. I hope your attack on me has helped venting at whatever was aggravating you today/this week/month /year/life. Breath. It will help. Take a moment or 10 and relax[/quote]
Oh do fuck off you cretin ..... and breathe. You're right it did help 😀
#Read the OP's updates before commenting.

@Ideasplease322, no, part time and am a carer the rest of the time, which takes a lot more energy and attention than my job. Been able to have a lot more spare time lately though as caring has been shared a lot more lately.

Does no one on MN believe women should monitor their social boundaries these days????

Are we all expected to do mens biddings?
Has mumsnet now turned into handmaidensnet?

OP @AlTempleton monitor your boundaries carefully - this man is attempting triangulation, do not allow it!

Firstly, you don’t have to ‘save’ her. You’ve blown this out of all proportion in your own head.

You’ve got a new neighbour, she doesn’t know anybody and she’s lonely.
Her husband is just trying to help his wife, and thought you look like a friendly person. That’s it. That’s all it is.
Just have a cup of tea in the garden with the woman. Would it kill you to reach out some kindness? You don’t have to be her best friend & saviour. Just a cuppa & 30 mins with a new neighbour.

Help someone who is feeling lonely/isolated because of lockdown & in strange new place.
That’s what they did years ago, in the war, neighbours were nice to each other, people looked out for one another. The world needs more of that!
But if you’re too busy, then you’re too busy. Let’s hope you never need the kindness of a stranger for 30 mins.

Oh my fucking god!!!

OP went round with a bunch of daffs and her husband and invited both of the neighbours around for tea and cake the neighbour DH said no thanks and shut the door!

[quote Staffy1]@Ideasplease322, no, part time and am a carer the rest of the time, which takes a lot more energy and attention than my job. Been able to have a lot more spare time lately though as caring has been shared a lot more lately.[/quote]
I work about 60-70 hours a week. There is no way I could meet a stranger twice a week for coffee. Lots of people (men and women) are in my position.

Expecting someone to give that much time is unreasonable. Yes lots of people volunteer and that is fantastic, but we should heap guilt in people who don’t want to give up their very scarce and precious spare time.