New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

@viccytwiffy

i get it... what your fears are... that you will be reeled into a friendship that you cant get out of .. so tricky... but i think your fears are worse than the situation actually is... you should be able to choose who your friends are... who youspend time with and not feel obligated, i mean that would be alful espesh on your own doorstep... if you went for a cup of tea, you'd have to take it seriously, but cups of tea should be so very enjoyable... you cant let anyone spoil that pleasure for you... try it out... take a leaflet about friendships or communities... the language barrier wiill make things slower, but see if you can stick your neck out a little for her... you might save her life... look at it like that... the worst vs the best... her problems are worse than yours.. you could really be a hero... what a great opportunity.. doesnt mean she has to be your best friend... feel more secure about the arrangement of your life and what is possible and what isn't... every one is an individual,,, you might find pleasure in someone so different... you'll even like yourself quite alot afterwards, and discover a new side to you... foreign pepole can be amazing to talk to espesh - her culture will be interesting too.... bet you like it

Again with the "be kind, safe her live" mantra....

Plus if the woman has as some claim found Mumsnet, read the thread, recognised herself am pretty sure she's more resilient than many are making out and perhaps not so much in need of the OP's support...

dont bother - you have your own life - screw some foreigner....

It may have been suggested already and I'm not reading 27 pages of comments but you could invite her to go out with your running group or volunteer with your chosen charity ? She will likely fall in with others who have more in common

Please go for a cup of tea with her. Try to put yourself in her shoes and give her a chance. You maybe the kind face she needs right now. In many countries abroad, people try and go out of their way to make new neighbours feel welcome, regardless of whether they share common interests / culture

You dont get to tell me where I can and cant post

I'm flummoxed by this one I have to say! I mean, surely it was obvious I was joking when I said only people who like dogs, cakes, running and daffodils are allowed to post on here?

This thread is the gift that keeps on giving

OP WHy dOnT YOU go ROunD aND HaVe a CUPpA?

OK, this isn't aimed at any specific post or poster, but I just want to offer something up. Isn't it time that we as women interrogated this cutesy little term 'pop' a little?

Women are forever being told it 'should' be no trouble to pop here, pop there, pop everybloodywhere, usually for the benefit of others. And all I can think is... men, not so much. Because even in the 2020s, men's time is generally more respected than women's, so if a man says he doesn't have time for something, he doesn't face this barrage of 'oh, but it'd only take a minute to pop over...' etc etc.

I may sound like I'm being paranoid, but in all honesty I can't remember the last time I ever heard of a man being exhorted to pop over the road with a pie because the new neighbours might be lonely, let alone being made to feel like a big ol' meanie when they don't comply because they have more important calls on their time.

It's something we as a society do a lot - women are forever being asked to 'pop' here and there, and being guilt-tripped if we don't. Just saying.

@MrsDoubtfire2018

Please go for a cup of tea with her. Try to put yourself in her shoes and give her a chance. You maybe the kind face she needs right now. In many countries abroad, people try and go out of their way to make new neighbours feel welcome, regardless of whether they share common interests / culture

But her husband closed the door in her face and the wife doesn’t speak English?

How would she arrange this?

@viccytwiffy

dont bother - you have your own life - screw some foreigner....

Erm, if you'd bothered to read the updates you'd have seen the OP went round and was rebuffed.

Happy to help.

@nonnie31

It may have been suggested already and I'm not reading 27 pages of comments but you could invite her to go out with your running group or volunteer with your chosen charity ? She will likely fall in with others who have more in common

Seriously?

There’s 27 pages. Do you honestly think that no one has suggested this?
Surely the fact that is has run to 600+ messages indicates there’s been updates and a development.

😂😂😂 It’s too funny now...... just go and make friends with her OP...maybe take some daffodils round with you. 😂😂😂

READ. THE. THREAD

Why not invite her on your dog walks?

Okay folks, I'm going to report this thread and ask MN HQ to take it down. It's just going round in circles now and some of the comments are getting pretty nasty.

I've been accused of causing my neighbour's future suicide, told to get off MN because I can't have children, that I'm horrible, I only like people who are just like me, I'm cold, and that I might just save my neighbour's life if I have a cup of tea with her. I've been told I think my neighbours and strange and needy (I've not once said anything derogatory about them actually - that's just been extrapolated and assumed but is not actually anything I said).

I've taken most of the comments in good humour, but it's getting a bit much.

Thanks for all the opinions and in particular those of you who made me laugh.

@Therarestone

I hope none of you ever need support.

Be ashamed.

fuck off and rtft

Oh I didn’t read the bit where she went round 😅

@AlTempleton I don’t blame you. MN can be awesome but it can also be horrendous, all whilst trotting out #bekind

[quote AlTempleton]**@allScratchyback any cake at all - I'm not going to discriminate. Except for coffee cake actually.

@LittleMissNaice you can stay. It's not ideal but I suppose it's not your fault you're allergic to dogs. Could you just try harder not to get allergies around dogs maybe? Perhaps you just need to put more effort in.[/quote]
Yes of course. Ever so sorry. Please accept these 💐 and this list of local dog-related activities and groups I have googled for you, as penance.

@AlTempleton

Okay folks, I'm going to report this thread and ask MN HQ to take it down. It's just going round in circles now and some of the comments are getting pretty nasty.

I've been accused of causing my neighbour's future suicide, told to get off MN because I can't have children, that I'm horrible, I only like people who are just like me, I'm cold, and that I might just save my neighbour's life if I have a cup of tea with her. I've been told I think my neighbours and strange and needy (I've not once said anything derogatory about them actually - that's just been extrapolated and assumed but is not actually anything I said).

I've taken most of the comments in good humour, but it's getting a bit much.

Thanks for all the opinions and in particular those of you who made me laugh.

Dont blame you op but i hope you come back in general to mn

take care

That encounter would be really outside my comfort zone and I would react in the same way OP. I have lovely neighbours but built up the relationships slowly.
Maybe have a quick chat with her at some point and build it from there but only if you want to.

@AlTempleton

Okay folks, I'm going to report this thread and ask MN HQ to take it down. It's just going round in circles now and some of the comments are getting pretty nasty.

I've been accused of causing my neighbour's future suicide, told to get off MN because I can't have children, that I'm horrible, I only like people who are just like me, I'm cold, and that I might just save my neighbour's life if I have a cup of tea with her. I've been told I think my neighbours and strange and needy (I've not once said anything derogatory about them actually - that's just been extrapolated and assumed but is not actually anything I said).

I've taken most of the comments in good humour, but it's getting a bit much.

Thanks for all the opinions and in particular those of you who made me laugh.

Don't blame you but thank you for being so good humoured and those of us with a shred of decency could see you're clearly a nice person. Sorry about some of the fucking horrible comments you got on here. Some posters should be ashamed of themselves. And embarrassed too. You sound great

OP, you’re my kind of gal. And I agree wholeheartedly with @youvegottenminuteslynn .

Best wishes to you OP. You sound nice but don’t blame you for getting the thread removed.

@thatsgotit

OK, this isn't aimed at any specific post or poster, but I just want to offer something up. Isn't it time that we as women interrogated this cutesy little term 'pop' a little?

Women are forever being told it 'should' be no trouble to pop here, pop there, pop everybloodywhere, usually for the benefit of others. And all I can think is... men, not so much. Because even in the 2020s, men's time is generally more respected than women's, so if a man says he doesn't have time for something, he doesn't face this barrage of 'oh, but it'd only take a minute to pop over...' etc etc.

I may sound like I'm being paranoid, but in all honesty I can't remember the last time I ever heard of a man being exhorted to pop over the road with a pie because the new neighbours might be lonely, let alone being made to feel like a big ol' meanie when they don't comply because they have more important calls on their time.

It's something we as a society do a lot - women are forever being asked to 'pop' here and there, and being guilt-tripped if we don't. Just saying.

100% ..... men telling women what to do!

I suspect OP that YOU sensed something intense about him (asking you repeatedly...!) and your gut said “CAUTION!”

And you are 100% proven correct - by his subsequent behaviour......HE doesn’t want to have to socialise with YOU as it would interrupt his busy weekends .... but he just expects you to babysit his wife whilst he is at work..... bet he is some mid level manager who loves delegating!

I have been on MN 20 years - only in the last year I have seen vicious posters piling in being obtuse and bullying to just sabotage debate and discussion.

What MN really needs is a big red notice just above the Comment box, saying ‘If you comment before at least read all the OP’s posts, be aware that you’re likely to look a right pillock.’