New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

@Therarestone

And remember one day this could be your child struggling but everyone else is too busy to help.

I agree with the @Dontbeme

@Therarestone you seriously need to apologise to the OP for this comment. Shame on you!

@Therarestone disgusting comments. Please read ALL of the OP’s posts and apologise to her

In which case her husband researches what’s available for her, what is out there in her language @Dontwanttolivewithmylover
Her dh needs to look for resources. That’s his responsibility not the op
If it’s a metropolitan area chances are there are a lot of resources, start with the LA website.
If they’re from a particular faith group I’d suggest the husband contact them see what’s available

I'm a bit shocked at the reactions and apologise if I've come across as nasty and getting out the wrong side of the bed. That was not my intention

I've read my comment and I've been honest, answering the questions the OP asked. I've attempted to give a view of what I perceived from the info given.

I think the OP made far too much of it all, with lots of assumptions and story creating in her head which, IMO, was way off from what it was - a concerned new dad asking a neighbour to pop round for a cuppa with his lonely, isolated wife.

The OP asked for views and opi ions, which I gave. I really didn't mean anything nasty and apologise if I've been so.

@Therarestone

And remember one day this could be your child struggling but everyone else is too busy to help.

Houston: virtue signal received

OP, I love cake and daffodils, am fond of dogs and despise running but run several times a week anyway to enable cake-eating.

Am I in?

Put the ball in your court and communicate with the wife not the husband. Next time he asks you say "I will let (wife) know when I am free, will pop over and get her number when work has calmed down." Or something like that.

Be neighbourly and invite her to you for a cuppa so you are in control of the meeting.

i get it... what your fears are... that you will be reeled into a friendship that you cant get out of .. so tricky... but i think your fears are worse than the situation actually is... you should be able to choose who your friends are... who youspend time with and not feel obligated, i mean that would be alful espesh on your own doorstep... if you went for a cup of tea, you'd have to take it seriously, but cups of tea should be so very enjoyable... you cant let anyone spoil that pleasure for you... try it out... take a leaflet about friendships or communities... the language barrier wiill make things slower, but see if you can stick your neck out a little for her... you might save her life... look at it like that... the worst vs the best... her problems are worse than yours.. you could really be a hero... what a great opportunity.. doesnt mean she has to be your best friend... feel more secure about the arrangement of your life and what is possible and what isn't... every one is an individual,,, you might find pleasure in someone so different... you'll even like yourself quite alot afterwards, and discover a new side to you... foreign pepole can be amazing to talk to espesh - her culture will be interesting too.... bet you like it

@Therarestone

And remember one day this could be your child struggling but everyone else is too busy to help.

Wow!

OP has explained she can't have kids, among the many other posts in this thread you clearly haven't read.

Next time you promote being kind, maybe try being... kind?

@billy1966

Her husband could help her and look further than his nose and the first vagina he sees to solve his problem.

He could check out local services.
He could go walking with his wife rather going out on his own constantly...

...And the tribe remark is accurate and how people do describe meeting those you share common interests with.

In her case, mother and baby groups would be very helpful for this stage in her life.

Ha ha the first vagina he found made me chuckle and is absolutely spot on

OP this thread has been up for over a day.

I can't believe you and your DH haven't yet mastered Spanish, spent hours researching a more appropriate gift as they clearly didn't want your daffs and offered to give them your bank details in case they ever fancy a shopping spree on you.

You selfish bastards.

Oh and to those who have done everything from say OP could be responsible to a future suicide to making flippant but tone deaf remarks about family structures... "bekind" works both ways.

Some posters have acted like bullies towards OP when at absolute worst OP was meh about the situation (as is her absolute right!), was kind to the neighbours, got pied off by them and was good humoured about it on here. She sounds great. People who say "bekind" while being anything but do not sound great. At all.

Or you might have an excruciating social encounter then worse create an expectation and obligation you then have extricate yourself from.

Oh and please can people stop using the word “cuppa”

Interested to see if he mentions you going around again

He sounds really weird.

Haven't RTFT but no way would I do this - I find it difficult keeping up with my actual friends without seeking new ones 🤷🏻‍♀️ (I am an anti-social fucker though!)

Why is there an assumption this will be beneficial for the op, it sounds potentially burdensome
Friendships are organic they grow out of mutual interest not obligation
I went to baby groups with women whom i had nothing in common with other than we’d had babies at similar time.I did not pursue friendships with majority of mums from baby group, as I didn’t like the women. Simple as that

Proximity in itself doesn’t equate to friendship
It just means she’s your neighbour

Personally, I’d try to put aside the annoyance which has arisen from the husband taking the lead with this.

I would do one coffee in the garden. It’s the right thing to do and won’t cost you anything really. And then I’d think about it again.

If you can, it would be good to help this woman. Perhaps you have a group of friends who meet and she could join you and it really wouldn’t be much effort for anyone but a kindness? If after one meeting you really feel it can’t go anywhere, then yes to gathering a bit of info about baby groups or other local stuff. And just say to the husband that you’ve been glad to meet her and here are some further ideas but in honesty you won’t be able to develop a friendship. He will be a bit disappointed but it’s your choice.

But rather than simply writing it off, I’d try to find it within myself to go for a coffee. Think of all this Covid call for community help etc. This is really just a case of this. See if you can take a friend too if that will make it more manageable. Putting ourselves out a little for someone we don’t know is alien to lots of people, but pushing ourselves to do it and starting with something very limited in mind with no further commitment to make it manageable seems the right thing to do.

"@thatsgotit"

I agree - we're not all the same, however I believe that most of us know the difference between being friendly and welcoming (without being weird /overbearing /needy etc) and not being those things.

And I agree about judging - the OP asked for this. I judged on the info given.

Do a quick bit of Googling, drop around some print offs, much easier for you as you know UK culture. Give her some charities to contact, then you can withdraw if you don't feel that you're got compatible lifestyles.

Why can’t the husband do a google and signpost his wife to appropriate resources @blackrimmedspecs
As I said he can google, look at LA website, if they have a faith community contact them
None of this is the op responsibility

I never get friendly with neighbours because in my experience it always ends badly. I’m not a terribly social person and I have spent far too much time in the past doing things to please other people that I now don’t do anything I don’t want to do. I will say hello to neighbours and chat briefly then I am gone, back into my house. I don’t think you are under any obligation to befriend anyone and you should tell him that you just don’t have time for the friends you do gave let alone making new ones. Life is too short. Oh, and the person who commented that you were being weird, well that’s because you don’t think the same way they do so you must be weird. Yeah, right

@MadMadaMim

I'm a bit shocked at the reactions and apologise if I've come across as nasty and getting out the wrong side of the bed. That was not my intention

I've read my comment and I've been honest, answering the questions the OP asked. I've attempted to give a view of what I perceived from the info given.

I think the OP made far too much of it all, with lots of assumptions and story creating in her head which, IMO, was way off from what it was - a concerned new dad asking a neighbour to pop round for a cuppa with his lonely, isolated wife.

The OP asked for views and opi ions, which I gave. I really didn't mean anything nasty and apologise if I've been so.

Honestly, it's fine - no need to apologise at all. I don't post on MN and then expect everyone to agree with me. You're allowed to have a different opinion - that's what makes life interesting

I did listen to the first few posters and I changed my mind. That's what is good about garnering opinions. I'd be a dick if I stuck resolutely to one way of thinking and didn't listen to other points of views.

I wasn't quite expecting this thread to go the way it has though, I have to admit!

@MadMadaMim

I've read all your comments. I meet the joining criteria.

TBH, your opening post didn't do you any favours - you did come across as a neighbour not many would like next door, quite heartless and full of yourself and your super busy, no time for a new neighbour.

First impressions count a great deal which is probably why you've received a bit of flack here.

You do come across as quite judgy and jumping to conclusions, with quite an inflated view of your role in all this.

When it comes down to it, all that happened is that a neighbour asked you to have a cuppa with his isolated, lonely, non English speaking new mum. You then proceeded to make lots of assumptions about him, his wife, your role, future scenarios and outcomes.

He asked you to make his lonely wife welcome and go over for a cuppa. That's it.

Frankly, yes, you do come across as a horrible person. And an awful neighbour.

Their last reaction is totally unsurprising. If also politely close the door with a no thanks. If you come across a fraction as negatively IRL than you do on here, he clearly got your sentiment and feelings towards him and his new family.

Our new neighbours (both foreign) moved in around 2 years ago. Within days of them moving in, we put a card through the door, welcoming them, giving our names and asking to let us know if they need anything, adding that most of us on the terrace know one another and are a friendly bunch. A week or 2 later they replied, thanking us and saying they were looking forward to getting to know the neighbours and neighbourhood.

There is no way I would have waited months before introducing myself. And I certainly wouldn't think negatively of a husband caring enough and brave enough to ask a person he doesn't know to be friends. It's not easy to do.

You can protest all you like and, yes, you thankfully took advice from here and went round - but still with negative outlook - basically to show willing under duress, however you know that you acted unnecessarily badly to the situation.

All you had to do was say welcome. Of course I'll come round for a cuppa. I work full time and it's a pretty full on job so during the week will be difficult, but when restrictions ease, husbans and I will come for a proper chat and a cuppa. I'll bring cake.

That simple

My God, you're a sanctimonious windbag. You're also a bit thick (lthough you're sadly not alone on here) if you've never noticed the "see next / see all button" underneath each of the OP's posts. If you had read all OP's posts before you posted you could have saved yourself time and embarrassment.

And all you had to do was read the op posts @MadMadMadamMim
You had one job....

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee maybe he can, OP dosen't say but I am presuming they're both in a foreign country so some help from a uk National would make things a lot easier, hence my suggestion. I wouldn't like to be pressured into a friendship like this either, but I would help out people who are neighbors and need it. Maybe you wouldn't?

If the husband has the skills & wherewithal to get oversea job he can get busy on google
Would I google resources for my NDN no I wouldn’t?. I’d expect he take the initiative @blackrimmedspecs

I like dogs, have two of my own. I love daffodils, but none that I planted last year are blooming yet 😢 I love cake, but your anti-coffee cake attitude is making me waver. Best of all, I speak Spanish!! I’m coming, OP!