New neighbour wants me to be friends with his wife

[AlTempleton]

New neighbours moved in a few months ago. I saw the husband not long after they had moved in and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.

I didn't meet his wife for a while, but then about a month ago I was cleaning my car and they both came out with their baby and came over to introduce the wife. He did all the talking - told me her name, that she's a SAHP, she doesn't know anyone here - and she stood there nodding and smiling as he spoke, but not actually saying anything herself. He explained her English is limited but she'd love to make some friends, she's very lonely at home alone when he's out at work, and that I should go round for tea with her once restrictions are over. I said something noncommittal like "that's very kind" and left it at that and didn't think anything more of it.

However I've just bumped into him again, this time on his own, while I was coming back from walking my dog, and he reminded me about having tea with his wife and reiterated again how lonely she is. He also said we can go in each other's gardens from next week. I said something like, oh well work's very full on at the moment but thanks, that's very nice of you.

I have a feeling now though that he's not going to drop it and that he's got me lined up to be a friend for his lonely wife. This is probably really mean of me, but I just don't want to. I'm working full time and I have a generally busy life, but also I just don't want the pressure of being the person who has to resolve this stranger's loneliness. I've only met her that once when he brought her out to meet me, but I have bumped into him loads of times as he's gone out to work, gardening or he's going for a run. I only ever see her sat at her living room window staring out. It feels like I've been earmarked to resolve the issue of her never going out.

I want to very politely shut this down as I don't want to have to vaguely keep saying things like "work is full on at the moment" every time he brings it up because I think that's not going at stop him asking me, particularly when restrictions are lifted.

Any ideas please? (Or am I just a horrible person??)

Could you find out if there is a young mums group, community or church group? Introduce her to them and they will make sure she isn’t lonely. Sometimes you can find befriending services nearby. Are there any other lonely people who might benefit from her company?

Our new neighbours (both foreign) moved in around 2 years ago. Within days of them moving in, we put a card through the door, welcoming them, giving our names and asking to let us know if they need anything, adding that most of us on the terrace know one another and are a friendly bunch. A week or 2 later they replied, thanking us and saying they were looking forward to getting to know the neighbours and neighbourhood.

People aren't all the same. And introducing yourself to your neighbours isn't a thing everywhere.

You do come across as quite judgy

Oh, the irony.

@LoverOfAllThingsPurple

I think you are being a little unreasonable. An hour a week would not hurt. I get that you’re busy and may feel a little forced, but give the lonely wife a break.

An hour a week! I am sorry but that’s a lot to ask - I don’t get to see my best friends that regularly!

I could never commit to that, it would stress me out to have this type of obligation. I would do it for a sick relative or close friend of course, but not a complete stranger.

And never mind that the lady in question only speaks three or four words of English, and her husband be socially told OP to get stuffed when she offered coffee and cake with husbands present.

This thread is really, really odd.

@YNK

Op the wife may well feel her DH is setting her up!

A similar thing happened to me when someone I was friendly with asked me to take him to the doctors. I wondered why his wife wasn't taking him so I made it clear that I'd give him a lift but I wasn't going in to the surgery with him. I don't want to get in the way of his confidential business and have his wife think I'm overstepping the mark as a friend.
Anyway he pushed me into going in to the reception with me only to find his wife waiting there. She demanded of him why I was there and he said "I just want the two of you to be friends" - she was absolutely livid (I can't blame her) and barely spoke to me for ages!

OMG, this reminds me of when me and DH first met. He meant well, but fuck me, I could have killed him.

He made 4 friends at work, at his new job, and he used to socialise with them - twice a month pub night. They'd get a taxi there and back, and have a great time. He best mate of the other 4 blokes was 'Steve.'

For some reason, 5 or 6 months into this friendship with his new workmates, DH decided I should be friends with 'Steve's' wife Lynda. He said 'let's go around to Steve and Lynda's house for a few beers...' I was not keen as I didn't know either one of them, and I had friends of my own, (as well as a job and several hobby groups.)

After much badgering I gave in, and went to Steve and Lynda's. One hour there, and DH proceeded to go outside with Steve to see his fishing tackle. I just sat there awkwardly with Lynda, who I didn't know and had NOTHING in common with. The silence was deafening, and we just sat there watching Coronation Street.

An HOUR DH and Steve were away. I could have killed him. I went outside 3 or 4 times to see where they were, but they had buggared off somewhere. (For a walk!)

When me and DH left later that evening, I said I was pissed off at him disappearing. He said, 'well Steve's my best mate, you and Lynda have to be friends'

I said 'no we fucking don't' I refused to go next time, as I didn't appreciate him trying to force me into being friends with his mate's wife!

He tried stuff like this a couple of other times not long after, but got the same cold response from me. After the third attempt in a year (with 3 different couples,) he never asked again.

Apart from hating being forced into a friendship, I also hate the idea of me and DH being close bezzie friends with another couple. It just creeps me out.

I failed dismally at trying to find some male friends for my ex. I knew a group of men from work that played football every week in an area close to our house. They needed a few extra players. My ex played football.

My ex had been sacked and wasn't in that great a mood; his best friend had moved away and he was just sitting at home all day. He'd met them a few times and got on okay with them. I asked them if he could play and they were happy to have him. I told him about it and he was furious as he thought I was being over friendly with the men at work.

Maybe he fancies you and wanted to use his wife as a ruse to get you into his property? Or maybe his wife told him off for asking on her behalf to be your friend? Who knows, all I know it is best to keep neighbours on a “hello, the weathers nice today isn’t it?” Sort of level, just my in case the relationship goes sour.

@LoverOfAllThingsPurple

I think you are being a little unreasonable. An hour a week would not hurt. I get that you’re busy and may feel a little forced, but give the lonely wife a break.

If you are so concerned, (like several other people on here,) then PM the OP NOW and get this young woman's contact details, and YOU take an hour out of your week each week to 'reach out' to her.

I will ask the OP in a couple of hours if you have contacted her for said details.

Go on then, do it... Contact the OP... It won't HURT..... #BeKind

Sounds to me as though the husband has decided this is some form of ‘women’s work’ that OP should do without thinking twice about it. And being asked to do something simply because in essence you have a vagina is really annoying.

A lot of the ‘be kind’ ‘just pop round for an hour’ type posts here seem to devalue women’s time, preferences, choices etc.

I dont do running, not wild about dogs, dont eat much cake, but would be annoyed if I cut my daffs and they were rejected. See - read your updates but not the comments that provoked them. You dont get to tell me where I can and cant post.

Maybe she's read this thread, recognised herself and decided she definitely doesnt want to know you.

Sorry so many people can't be bothered to check their facts before sharing their nasty comments! Perhaps you could share your location though so all of those people that feel that could do better can see whether they are local, and then they can put their money where their mouth is and help the poor woman themselves.

I suggest if you are approached again, just reply that you work full time but would be happy to join them one weekend. That ought to get the message across more clearly, and probably send him in to a panic that he might be expected to be as friendly as he requested you be...

@busymomtoone

There’s a saying “ it takes a village to raise a child” - I get that you feel you have little in common with this other human being , but if the pandemic has taught us anything, it is surely to be kind and look out for neighbours. Is it honestly too much to give a smidgen of time to a stranger? I know you don’t have children - but one day you may be very grateful of a dog sitter/ lift somewhere/ spare key holder- and parents at home with young babies are great for taking parcels in!! You could surely legitimately go for a quick cuppa and explain that you are extremely busy with work etc ( early on in the conversation so she doesn’t feel it’s personal) but that there are mum and baby groups etc locally. If you wanted to be really kind/ generous you could quickly google a few details ( surely easier fir you to do than someone who struggles with the language?). I’m firmly of the belief we can all learn and discover things from other people - at the moment you feel this is very one sided- but having lived in a fantastic neighbourly road for eight years I can promise you fortunes change and people need people in ways they may never anticipate!!

Just like I said to a poster in my post above.

Contact the OP NOW and ask for this young woman's contacts details. As you think it's no effort and no trouble and 'you should be kind and generous,' then YOU contact the woman, and 'reach out' to her.

Go on, do it now ! Again, I will ask the OP later this evening if you have contacted them. Do it. It's obviously no trouble is it? So what are you waiting for???. #BeKind

@TheLeapHome

Sorry so many people can't be bothered to check their facts before sharing their nasty comments! Perhaps you could share your location though so all of those people that feel that could do better can see whether they are local, and then they can put their money where their mouth is and help the poor woman themselves.

I suggest if you are approached again, just reply that you work full time but would be happy to join them one weekend. That ought to get the message across more clearly, and probably send him in to a panic that he might be expected to be as friendly as he requested you be...

Yes indeed. The people who are so worried need to contact the OP NOW NOW NOW! Find out the young woman's contact details, and REACH OUT to her.

BE KIND BE KIND BE KIND.

Give her a chance? Loneliness is a killer and with a baby as well?

I hate these posts so much. I feel so bad for the wife, it's great you have a full life but maybe put yourself in her shoes. Her husband has thought you seem nice and is trying to help his family. We expect our children to be kind and look out for the lonely kid at lunch but won't show another adult the same kindness.

Everyone is busy. Be kind.

I hope none of you ever need support.

Be ashamed.

And remember one day this could be your child struggling but everyone else is too busy to help.

I've got this really weird feeling we're being sucked back in time. 😁

OP, have a heart. Why don't you pop round? A quick friendly visit is all it takes. You could even take your husband with you, if you're feeling nervous. And perhaps take a bunch of flowers from your garden? Daffodils are in season, and always welcomed.

@MadMadaMim gosh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you got out of the wrong side of the bed eh.

@HerculesMulligann

Sounds to me as though the husband has decided this is some form of ‘women’s work’ that OP should do without thinking twice about it. And being asked to do something simply because in essence you have a vagina is really annoying.

A lot of the ‘be kind’ ‘just pop round for an hour’ type posts here seem to devalue women’s time, preferences, choices etc.

THIS ^

The disgusting misogynism on here towards women - FROM OTHER WOMEN is horrifying to witness.

Just how DARE you refuse this man's request to befriend his wife? He is one of da menz with his big important job. Da wimminz should ask 'how high' when he says jump!

Some women on here sound like handmaids, and expect the OP to be the same. It's actually quite depressing really.

@Therarestone

And remember one day this could be your child struggling but everyone else is too busy to help.

This comment is awful, the OP has said she cannot have kids, what is wrong with you?

@Therarestone

I hope none of you ever need support.

Be ashamed.

I have needed support. I reached out to the relevant people who could provide the specific support I needed.

I didn’t rely on my husband to ask a random neighbour.

There is lots of support out there that his lady could access. And for all we know they are doing that,

Write a list of groups she may like with telephone numbers and put it through their door or give it in person when having tea OR give to her hubby next time you see him and explain that you work full time, as he does and if he hasn't time, you don't either.
Tell him the library will have ideas of mum and baby groups which may suit her.
I hope it works out for you both.

@Therarestone

All the LOLz. You are taking the piss obviously.

If not, I repeat AGAIN - why don't YOU contact the OP and get the young LONELY woman's contact details, and YOU reach out to her.

You won't though will you, like none of the others will! Because you're all mouth and trousers.

Op is under no obligation to be an outreach service for the new lonely neighbour
The NDN husband cannot expect op to step up, he can research faith,cultural or voluntary groups who can potentially support his wife

Op is under no obligation to #bekind
None whatsoever

OP I think you're awesome, just the right amount of bitchy/witty. I can't run though, but I do love dogs ( i have my own hairy German shepherd)and any animals, daffodils are pretty, and I can make excellent cake, it's part of my job. Can I be in your gang??

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Op is under no obligation to be an outreach service for the new lonely neighbour The NDN husband cannot expect op to step up, he can research faith,cultural or voluntary groups who can potentially support his wife

Op is under no obligation to #bekind
None whatsoever

This. ^

If the lady has minimal English skills, she may find it difficult/awkward explaining herself over the phone.